45. Luke & Andy’s Crime Stories


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A conversation with my friend Andy. We share some anecdotes. By coincidence, they’re also about petty crime. Some samples of vocabulary and expressions are listed below. I give definitions in the podcast – so listen to check the meaning.
This is a completely natural and authentic conversation. None of it was planned, so it is completely real and not fake.
This is really good listening practice for you. Listen to two native speakers talking naturally with each other. If you can understand the conversation, then you’re at the same level as a native speaker. You’ll understand the little comments and jokes that we make with each other. I recommend listening to the podcast a few times until you completely understand the conversation, and start remembering bits of vocabulary that we said. Also: Enjoy yourself!

Some vocabulary and expressions from our conversation:

The night Andy Got Arrested:
They know them by heart
For some reason we thought it might be funny to start throwing snowballs at the police station
He didn’t have a helmet, he had one of those little hats and it knocked his hat off
We started laughing hysterically
They put us in the cells for the night – “blimey”
We weren’t charged with anything, we were given, like, a verbal caution
I was very contrite and quiet and very apologetic
My friend Gareth, he got really indignant and really angry
Because he was mouthing off he didn’t get anything
They released us with a slap on the wrist and told us not to do it again
‘Snow crime officer!” – “Snow joke Luke!”

The Time Luke Got Caught by The Police for Skateboarding:
I consider myself to be a law abiding citizen, with a few minor indiscretions under my belt, but generally, you know, quite an honest, law abiding person
When I was twelve, I did have a run in with the police
I wasn’t a naughty child
My brother and I were both very into skateboarding at the time
An indoor shopping precinct
I felt quite awkward most of the time
Anyway right, cut a long story short…
Suddenly a police riot van turned up
This is like, a big van, with like, protection, you know, like a sort of, armoured van pulled up, and the doors swung open and just loads of police all just piled out of this van, and just, sort of, it was like an organised attack
A pincer movement
I decided to make a run for it too, kind of half heartedly
I just, sort of, casually ran towards the stairs, and the next thing I know; big hand on my shoulder, a big hairy policeman’s hand grabbed my shoulder
You’re nicked! Come here!
I looked up at him with these tears in my eyes, and with my lip trembling…
I wasn’t even capable of thinking straight
I was just really deeply traumatised
I went into a sort of state of shock
Next thing I know, policeman’s hand on my shoulder
The policeman looked at me, and felt pity and said “alright sonny, I’ll let you go”
He was a very friendly, kind of, jolly kind of policeman
Did they cuff you? They didn’t cuff us, no.
I think it’s terrible the way you’ve treated these children!
How dare you be so angry and aggressive!
Your Dad went ‘buck wild on their asses’!
My Dad just didn’t hold back
In the end I felt vindicated because my Father protected me, stood up for me against the, frankly brutal West Midlands Police.
Oppressive police reigime
I’ve always thought that you had potential criminal tendencies

Andy’s “I was wrongly accused of theft as a child!” Anecdote:
I’ve got a twin brother. “What, identical twin?” No, non identical. He’s the good looking one.
We were in this shop and we were looking at erasers, rubbers.
Apparently I just reached into my pocket and took the rubber out
We went home and he told my Mum.
Just, sort of, grassed you up to your parents.
I think I bought it. I must have bought it. I don’t think I deliberately stole it.
If I did steal it, it wasn’t intentional.
It was, kind of like, the manslaughter of theft.
Unintentional theft. There may have been mitigating circumstances.
Yeah, like it didn’t happen! That’s the mitigating circumstance.
You legitimately purchased it!
My brother was laughing in the background, smiling away.
We will be conducting a full investigation into the theft of the eraser.
They’re going to bring you in as well. You’re going to be an accessory.
I’ll just grass you up. I’ll do a deal with the Police.
You’re going to be a supergrass!
You’ll frame me.

Luke’s “Law breaking in Canada” photo album:
You might be wanted by interpol.
Maybe the mounties. The mounties always get their man!
They’re going to chase after me and get me. They might even make a sort of light hearted drama about it. Like, ‘a Canadian mountie travels to London in order to track down an infamous criminal’.
A fish out of water – riding around Regent Street on his big horse.
We decided we would take photos of ourselves breaking all of these by-laws.
That probably counted as a crime wave. It probably had the mounties baffled during the summer of ’97.
If I went back to Canada, they wouldn’t let me in. They’d bang me up.
Is that why you’ve been growing your hair, so they won’t recognise you?
Let’s stick the Queen’s speech on, shall we?
Everyone will be sat there with a glass of sherry.
“On a slightly sadder note. On one of my recent perusals of Luke’s English Podcast, it has been drawn to my attention, that there is a criminal on the loose in England! His name is Andy Johnson! And we must lock him up! Immediately!
People are going to leave their houses with bats, and they’ll be like an angry mob knocking on my Father’s door.
There’ll be, like, burning torches, pitch forks.
You can commit as many crimes as you like, and they don’t even bat an eyelid.
They’re very tolerant. They’re very liberal.
I think my crimes pale into (in)significance compared to what you did.
If you can get away with it, I’m going to get away with it.
People used to get hung, drawn and quartered for that in the middle ages.
Maybe he was aiming for the face, which for me is an aggravating circumstance.
Festive snowball attack.

5 thoughts on “45. Luke & Andy’s Crime Stories

  1. Anonymous

    Hi Luke
    I wonder where you get all those ideas from! I hope that some time I can speak like you. -:)
    When listening to those petty-crime-stories suddenly one of my petty-crime-stories came up in my head. I know you don’t have time to read or listen to it but as an exercise I will write it down. . You are giving me so many incitements that even though I have a lot of free time I am always busy.
    Cheers

    How about a link for this one?

    Reply
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