Who would win in a fight between a bear and a shark?
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Obviously, this is just a virtual fight, not a real one. It’s just a funny topic of conversation, and a light-hearted topic for this episode of Luke’s English Podcast.
In this episode you will listen to:
1. A stand-up comedian from Canada (Tony Law) talking about a fight between a bear and a shark
2. I will explain vocabulary and jokes that Tony Law makes
3. You’ll listen to some expert opinions on who would win the fight
So, let’s think about this fight between a big bear and a dangerous shark. How would you organise the fight? Where would you do it? which animal is the strongest? How would the bear manage to grab the shark? Would it bite it or hit it with its paws? Would the bear be able to swim in the water? Wouldn’t it just want to escape? How about the shark? Would it be able to swim in shallow water? How many times would it need to bite the bear? Wouldn’t the two animals just try to escape? WHAT THE HELL WOULD HAPPEN???
This episode is just a bit of fun! Obviously, I hope no-one really tries to do organise a fight between two animals. It’s just a VIRTUAL fight, not a REAL one!
Transcript – Tony Law (Bear vs shark)
Now, another fun thing to do if you’ve got the money and you’ve got the time it’s well worth your while if you could organise yourself a fight between a black bear and a shark. Now, what you’re gonna need to get started up is a shallow little wading pool, ok? Now, any old wading pool will do but i prefer one with aluminum siding, or aluminium if you will. And most of you do.
Get that nice and set up. Now, this is important, make sure you put sand bags around the outside of it because you’re going to put a lot of weight in there okay? All right.
Now, some of you are ahead of me. You’re thinking, you’re saying Tone we’re going to need to fill that up with water aren’t we? Yes we are. So you introduce your garden hose or weirdly long tap, I don’t know your homes. I don’t know how much you like DIY. So, so you get that nice and full of water and now you want to, you’re going to want to introduce your shark, aren’t you? Yeah, of course, yeah. So, now you’re going to need a buddy for this. Always buddy up because sharks, they’re heavy aren’t they. So you get your shark and bring him in, right, because I use a tiger shark for this, they’re just, they’re more bitey. They’re more bitey and it helps the process along.
So you put him in there, let him acclimatise himself. Now that won’t take very long because that’s a small pool, and he’s a big fish, isn’t he? So, get him in there, right, let him acclimatise himself, right. And then you go into the house and you get your paints. Oil paints are the best for this. And you come out and you paint that shark up to look like a salmon.
“You know honey, we should do more dangerous art! -I know!” Now you’re going to want to introduce your black bear, right? Listen, hey, once you’ve done it my way once, you can change it up. Use any kind of bear you want. Polar bear, grizzly. First time, try it with a black bear, okay? So you bring in your black bear. He’s a bear isn’t he, and he’s going to look down and that’s definitely going to be the largest salmon he’s ever seen in his life. It’s not going to stop him, he’s just going to go “Oh, all my bear Christmases have come at once”. He’s going to look down and he’s just going to go “Mmmm, that’s a big motherfuckin’ salmon right there. Shit! I’m gonna eat that fuckin’ salmon right up! Mmm, that is a tasty looking big motherfuckin’ salmon there. I said what I said. MMM, I’m gonna eat that salmon up because I built up an appetite, with the ladies, mmm. ”
Now listen, you get your black bear from anywhere in the world, you don’t need to make his voice quite so racist. Smarten up! You know, be more xenophobic about it. Get yourself a Russian bear, “Oh boy look at the size of that salmon I can’t wait to eat it”. You know, or a Polish bear, “Oh boy I sound exactly like Russian bear. I can’t wait to eat it.” You know, or get yourself a Chinese bear… I’m not going there am I? [I’m not going to do that accent] Doesn’t matter how good you think your Chinese voice is, it isn’t. It never is, is it? I mean there’s some accents you just stay away from, aren’t there? You know, like Chinese and all of it’s affiliates. Ooh, don’t go there. Those aren’t for you, unless you’re Chinese or, you know, someone in your family is Chinese. You know, then knock yourself out. Same thing, Indian sub-continent. Ooh, danger lurks there. Don’t do those accents. Unless you’re indian, you know, or your parents are, I don’t know. We’ve all got a white friend who’s done his Indian accent, haven’t we, at some point in your life. It’s never worked out has it? Artistically or morally. It’s [always] like “oh, he’s doing the voice, ohhh.” Starts out in Trinidad & Tobago, moves over to Wales for a bit, and fucks off up to Sunderland for a while. Ohh, while everyone feels a bit dirty, and needing a bath. Ohh, but you don’t say anything do you? He won’t learn, will he? If you say something, he’ll never learn. He’ll only learn by everyone going “mmmmmm”.
But he just sees it and he goes straight in with that left paw doesn’t he? Ah, big mistake black bear. ARR! Pulls back a stump. That’s not going to heal in a hurry. But like I said, brave, noble creature and he things “I’ve got one good paw left. I’m going in”. Second mistake black bear, Ahh! Pulls back a stump. Now he’s fucked isn’t he? Now we’ve got a black bear with no front paws. He’s losing a lot of blood but luckily he spent some time in the Moscow state circus so he can balance on his hind two feet, and if there’s a little kiddies bicycle around he can probably just wheel around on that too. He’s not going to have the glorious victory he was hoping for now. Now he’s gotta like do little nips in the shark’s ass. Just little nips. Little nips. And I wish there was an exciting way for that to finish but it takes about eight hours for the shark to bleed to death.