128. Luke’s Stand-Up Comedy Show

In this episode you can listen to 30 minutes of my stand-up comedy performance from last Friday in Paris.

Right-click here to download the audio episode.
Transcript
This episode is now fully transcribed – see below.

Video
You can watch a video of this performance below. (unlisted video – only available here)

Introduction
Small Donate ButtonPlease leave your comments and questions below. I hope you enjoy the show. Please also consider making a donation. The comedy performance you are about to hear took me a lot of time to write. It took a lot of energy and motivation to perform. The evening took a lot of management and organisation. It has taken me a lot of time to edit and upload this content. The audience who came to the show had to pay money to enter. You’re getting it all here for free. Think about it. Make me a donation if you can because nothing is truly free in this world. If this podcast loses money – I might stop and just focus on paying audiences. Your donations keep this podcast alive. No donations = no podcast. Thank you if you have donated. If you haven’t – please consider it. It’s normal to give something in return. Would you stand and watch a singer in the street for one hour without leaving a coin in his hat? This is the same thing. If you choose to donate, just click the button on this page and you will be transferred to PayPal where you can make a very safe and convenient donation.

Thanks again for listening and enjoy the show!

LUKE

Watch Luke’s performance here: (unlisted video – only available here)

Transcript
Transcript collaboration for Luke’s English Podcast.

Hi everyone, this is Luke. I’ve shared this google document so that you can contribute a transcript for this episode of the podcast. You don’t have to write the entire transcript – just write a few minutes, like a 5 minute extract, for example. Communicate with other listeners and agree which sections of the episode you will transcribe (e.g. 00:00 – 05:00). If everyone transcribes a little bit, we will be able to work together and make a full transcript! When the transcript is finished I will be able to correct it and finally publish it on my website.

This will benefit everyone – it’s excellent practice for you, it will be massively helpful for other listeners, and I will be able to present it on my website.

Please follow these rules:
Don’t edit other people’s writing without permission.
When you start typing an extract, write the time-code for your extract (e.g. 2:14 – 6:20) – this will prevent people writing the same section.
When you choose an extract to transcribe, check that other people haven’t transcribed that extract already.
Let’s use Arial size 11, not bold.
Don’t type ‘gonna’ or ‘wanna’ – type ‘going to’ and ‘want to’
I will make text green after I have checked and corrected it :) So any green text has been given the Luke Thompson seal of approval.

128. Luke’s Stand Up Comedy Show

[0:00]

You’re listening to Luke’s English podcast. For more information visit teacherluke.wordpress.com.

Hello and welcome to another episode of Luke’s English Podcast. I hope that you are comfortable wherever you are while you are listening to this. If the weather is very cold in your country at this time of the year I hope you are nice and warm, if it’s boiling hot wherever you are then I hope you are keeping yourself nice and cool or maybe you are just somewhere in the middle and the temperature is just perfect. Well you know if that’s the case then, you know, well done and congratulations to you. But basically I hope you are comfortable and I hope you enjoy listening to this episode.

This one, in this one you’ll be able to listen to thirty minutes of stand up comedy which I performed in English on Friday, you can listen to the performance here. I recorded it, you can listen to it here or you can watch the video of me doing the performance online at teacherluke.co.uk. You’ll need to find the find the page or the part of the website for this episode and there you will see embedded onto the page a video, a YouTube video of me doing the performance. Now that is a… that’s a private or unlisted video so you can only see the video if you go to that page. Try looking at teacherluke.podomatic.com or later on I will probably move it to wordpress so that’s teacherluke.co.uk. Again find the page for this episode and you’ll be able to watch the video there on YouTube, but only there, only on my site because it’s an unlisted video, you can only watch it there or if I give you the link for that video ok?

Thank you for your messages which you’ve sent me recently. I always appreciate getting your messages very much and I aim to reply to you by mail or on a podcast in a similar way to recent episodes where I kind of, you know, responded to messages that I’ve received. There will be more episodes of Luke’s English Podcast coming soon. There’s been a little bit of a pause, a little bit of a delay for various reasons, just because I’ve been very busy involved in other things and also I’ve had some more technical difficulties.

My laptop my Apple Mac laptop is very old now and it performs rather badly in fact a few weeks ago the trackpad, which is the thing you use to control the mouse, you know, on the laptop the trackpad stopped working. I couldn’t use it. Also I couldn’t use a USB mouse. I tried that. The whole thing was just broken but luckily a friend of mine who knows about these things was able to sort of help me out. He took the battery out and did some things, like fixed it basically and now the trackpad works again. But is still not completely perfect because my operating, my operating system is very old. It means I can’t, kind of, get new versions of all of the web browsers and things. So eventually I will have to upgrade in some way. I’ll probably buy a new laptop and at the moment I’m just trying to decide whether I want to get another Mac, which is very expensive but you know very good quality, or should I now go for a PC using Windows 8 or Windows 7 or something? I haven’t decided yet.

What do you think? What shall I do? Shall I buy an Apple Mac laptop or shall I buy a Windows laptop with Windows 8? Have you used Windows 8 yet? Is it any good? I’m not completely confident about Microsoft Windows. I’ve never really liked it, but apparently Windows 7 and Windows 8 are very good now and maybe paying you know over a 1000 euros or over a 1000 pounds for an Apple Mac, maybe that’s too much these days. Let me know what you think. What shall I buy? Shall I go Windows or shall I go Mac? I’m still trying to decide.

Let’s see, so, as you know I do stand up comedy. You’ve probably listened to me talking about that in previous episodes. So you basically know what stand up comedy is. I do stand up comedy quite regularly. I’ve been doing stand up comedy for about the same length of time as I’ve been doing Luke’s English Podcast. So they’ve been, kind of, two things I’ve been doing at the same time really but… you know, maybe you don’t, you haven’t heard about me, my comedy stuff very much. I tend to keep the two things separate, but in this episode I thought that I would allow you to listen to one of my comedy sets that I’ve done recently and I hope that you enjoy it.

[5:00]

So, as you know I’m living in Paris now, there are stand up comedy gigs in English in Paris. In London of course there are hundreds. It’s… London is probably the stand up comedy capital of the world, maybe New York, London and New York, but certainly in London there are so many gigs and so many comedians every night of the week you can go out and see stand up comedy. You can either go and see the top level professionals performing at places like the Comedy Store near Leicester Square or you can go and see this, sort of, open mic level amateur level comedians. And there are some very very very talented people out there on the, on the open mic circuit in London, there are so many gigs all over town.

In Paris there are, hardly any, stand up comedy in English gigs. There are plenty of one man show performances in French, and that’s kind of a long tradition. But not many stand up comedy gigs to see in English. But there are some, in fact there are three, at the moment there are three main comedy evenings that you can go to, which is kind of very good for me because it means that as there are fewer performers I get more stage time. So there are more opportunities for me actually to get gigs and people keep asking me to perform, which is fantastic. Much better than in London. Because in London you have to beg people to give you performances you need to search for stage time, because there is so much competition, there are so many other comedians, you need to work much harder to find stage time. But in Paris here there’s loads of stage time, especially me because I’m fairly experienced as a comedian now so people quite often ask me to perform which is, which is great.

The English comedy scene here in Paris is growing, it’s developing and it’s very exciting to be part of it. And it’s not just in Paris. In fact I know that there is stand up comedy in English in many places now. I’ve got friend in Japan in Tokyo and there’s a lots of stand up comedy in English there with, kind of, English Australian and American, Canadian performers. In Berlin I’ve got a couple of friends who live there, Berlin in Germany there’s a great English language stand up comedy scene there. And I’m sure that it’s similar in many places around the world. So why don’t you, you know, why don’t you check it out?

Maybe in your town or your city where you are you might find that there are native English speakers who do stand up comedy and you will be able to go and watch, see what it’s like, enjoy it and who knows maybe if you could develop some material you might have the opportunity to get up on stage and try make the audience laugh yourself. Why don’t you try it? It could be a very exciting experience. It could be an absolute nightmare if no one laughs and they throw tomatoes at you. Although you would be able to then take those tomatoes home and eat them, but, it could be a nightmare if it’s not, if it doesn’t work but it could be a great success and you could find, who knows, you could find a great sort of source of inspiration for you. But anyway, why don’t you check it out. There might be stand up comedy in English in your town where you’re living.

So, let me just give you a quick introduction to what you are going to hear in this episode. So this was on Friday at a place called the Cafe Theatre du Gymnase, which is in central Paris and I performed thirty minutes. It was a one hour show which I shared with two other comedians. One is called Pierre Gaspard. He´s French and the other comedian who was performing with me was called Sarah Donally and she´s American. She comes from Washington D.C. Both Pierre and Sarah have their own shows here in France in Paris. Pierre Gaspard has his own show called No Shame, which you can catch at a place called The Paname Art Cafe here in Paris. And Sarah Donally is the host and MC of a Night called The French Fried Comedy Night, which takes place in the same venue that’s the Cafe Paname Art Cafe.

So if you are in Paris you should check them out. But this place took, this gig happened in SoGymnase Theatre, and there were probably about forty to fifty people in the audience. It was a Friday evening, and I went on stage at about nine o’clock.

You will hear some swearing in the episode, some rude language. I said the F word quite a lot. In fact I say it more than I realised. It wasn’t until I listened back to it that I realised how many times I said the F word so, you know, I do apologize in advance if you find that kind of language offensive, but, you know, remember that that is quite normal in stand up comedy especially when it takes place in a kind of in a Bar or a Theatre where there’s people drinking and it’s a Friday night.

[10:00]

So actually it’s quite appropriate and normal in stand comedy to use some rude language. So remember you shouldn’t swear usually and I don’t swear all the time, only in certain situations. If you want to know more about swearing in English then you should check out a previous episode of this podcast which was called “How to swear in British English” and you can find out all of the things that you like there and if you enjoy being offended then you should listen to that because you’d be shocked by it I expect.

So in this half an hour comedy show that I did I talk about being English I talk about my experience of coming from England and living in a foreign country. Eventually I plan to make a one hour show of my own and I’m going to call it “Sorry I’m English” I think that’s probably quite a good title. But you’re going to hear half an hour. Most of the stuff that I say in this half an hour performance, most of it is prewritten so I’ve written it before. Some of it I practised before in front of an audience but a lot of it was actually material which I’d written last week and I’m performing it for the first time, and there’s some improvisation so that’s when I’m just reacting to things that are happening in the room I’m just improvising off the top of my head. For example you’ll hear moments where the microphone in my hand starts buzzing. There was a bad connection and the microphone starts going bzzzz bzzzz starts buzzing so I had to say something about that, talk about being a robot. So you might hear me referring, saying something like I’m not a robot that’s because the microphone was buzzing.

Also I mentioned that the Mayans, just briefly, I mentioned the Mayans, talking about how they worship the sun. I might say a few things about the Mayans how they, no one is going to believe them anymore because they were wrong about the end of the world predictions. So that was an improvisation. I do hope that if there are any Mayans listening to this I hope that you are not offended by my comments. I’m not really making fun of the Mayans I’m more making fun of the end of the world predictions that everyone was talking about. Also there were other very physical movements that you won’t be able to see if you are listening to this. So, you know, I do various physical movements during the performance. If you want to check them out then you have to watch the video, which as I’ve already mentioned is on the website.

So you can listen to it here you watch it online, and do leave your comments on whichever page you would like to do that, I haven’t written a transcript for this performance yet but it’s something that I intend to do so watch this space. You might find parts of the performance transcribed so you can read every single word but that will take me a little bit of time. I would probably do it in stages, at the moment you can’t see any…. you might. Why don’t you check the website? You might find some transcriptions.

That’s it from this very long introduction and, I hope you now can listen and enjoy, my performance of “Sorry, I’m English” at the SoGymnase in Paris last Friday, thanks very much for listening.

[13:20]
Luke’s stand up “Sorry I’m English”

Sarah Donnelly: Give it up for Luke Thompson (people are clapping).

Hello. How are you doing? You can probably, (you) may be able to tell that I’m not from France. Actually I come from London which is of course in England, which is in Britain, which is in the UK, which is in Europe… sort of. Because you know it’s not really in Europe, it’s more just sort of near Europe, they are connected of course – Britain they are connected by politics and by an undersea tunnel. That’s right, it’s futuristic, …the undersea tunnel, they do have a door, at their end which they lock at night and at weekends, just whenever they want to… it’s like “Thanks Europe good night, we’ll see you on Monday”. Okay?

Yeah, but they’re not really… you know, obviously I’m in Europe, you are in Europe here in France of course. Yes we are in Europe but Britain you know is not really in Europe, it’s more just in the sea isn’t it, because it’s an island, of course. Well an island technically. It’s not Ireland, no, that is an island. It’s also called Ireland. It’s just spelled slightly differently. So that’s not in Britain, no, it’s not even in the UK, no it’s not. You following this? Yes, Ireland is certainly not in the UK except for Northern Ireland. That’s not an island though it actually is in Ireland, although technically it’s not part of Ireland.

[15:00]

It’s actually part of Britain, yes, although it’s not in Britain, but it is in the UK. Yes, the UK that’s the United Kingdom it’s called that because we’re united by a king. I don’t really know what “dom” is. Actually I think that’s Latin, it’s from Italy. So United Kingdom, although technically we have a queen, so, you know, her family originally comes from Germany, yeah, so that’s where I’m from. I’m from all of that so. It’s nice to meet you. I’m from, you know, I’m from England and Britain and the United Kingdom. In fact, I’m from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. That’s the full title. Apparently I’m from Northern Ireland. I’ve never been there.

I don’t know, you work it out. But here we are in France, that’s right, oh, France, yes… And, you know, people sometimes say to me, “Luke, why did you… Why did you come… Why did you come to France? Why did you come to Paris? Why don’t you just go home? Just… just go back to where you came from, why bother?” And, you know, to be honest, the reason I came is because of my girlfriend, that’s right. Yeah, I murdered her, I had to leave the country… Not really, I didn’t murder (her), she’s not dead, she’s just wounded. No, she’s not, of course, it’s ridiculous. No, she’s fine. She’s great. She’s fantastic, so… you know, officially I came to France for love, yes, and the bread is quite good, lovely French bread. It’s true, isn’t it. It’s one of the perks. “Did you just raise your hand there”. That was like “Yes, I agree!”. You know, the thumb here, it’s like “Yes!” and sign language mainly… “yes”, semaphore.

Yes, about the bread, yes. It was love, bread, well, both. It’s not very romantic, is it that? I’ll be honest, it’s not very romantic. But I’m English, you know, we don’t really know what romance is. We don’t. We’re a pragmatic people. Romance, well what’s romance? What is that? Is that some sort of… some sort of light spreadable cheese, isn’t it? It’s a kind of an equestrian water sport, no? No? Okay. Yes, we don’t really know what romance is, but coming to France, you know, from Britain, I sort of… I’ve realised I’ve come face to face with my own Britishness, because in the UK I’m just normal, pretty much.

But I come to France — suddenly I’m extremely British. I didn’t realise, you know “Hello”, “Sorry”, you know, very English, you know. I’m like Hugh Grant or something. “Oh, I’m sorry”, “two baguettes, please, I’m sorry”. Prince Charles or something, you know, suddenly become very patriotic “Ah, Britain! Mmm, fantastic place!” Suddenly start becoming very proud of things that I wasn’t proud of before. It’s like, “Ha, you don’t have traffic jams here in France! Britain, they’ve got… they have traffic jams, Great British traffic jams!” Suddenly I’m proud of things. “Crime, you don’t know what crime is, in Britain we’ve got great crime!” Yes.

But I realised that the British, you know, we have a reputation for saying “sorry” a lot. “Oh, sorry. Sorry! Sorry? Sorry!” We do say “sorry” quite a lot. You know people do say to me, “Luke, why do British people say sorry all the time?”. And the reason is because we’re fucking polite! Yeah. But we do say “sorry” a lot, obviously in France, you know, you say “sorry” as well, it’s kind of normal, you know, for example, if someone… if you step on someone’s foot on metro, you’ll say “Oh, pardon! Sorry.” That’s what you say, obviously you’re thinking “Oh, fuck you”. You know it’s normal, pretty much normal level of politeness, but in England, if you step on someone’s foot in the underground, they will apologise to you. I don’t know why. I don’t know why that’s happening… It’s nice, it’s nice, but it’s also borderline pathetic, isn’t it? I don’t really get it. So I don’t understand that, what is that? “Oh, sorry! Sorry for interrupting your foot. I didn’t realise you’d reserved that part of the floor. I do apologise, excuse me.” I don’t know why we do that.

In Britain we, you know, we do have two versions of “sorry”. We’ve got the standard sort of “sorry”, which obviously means, you know, “I apologise”. Then there’s the more sarcastic sort of “Oh, sorry!”, which actually means “Fuck off, I’m not sorry!” “Jesus, sorry, mate!” Sorry. Yes, but I do think it’s appropriate as a British person here in France, I’d just like to apologise for certain things. I’d just like take this (stumbles over his words). I’ll start again. I’d just like to take this as an opportunity to just apologise for certain things. Has anyone here been to Britain?

Someone in the audience: Yes!

OK, good, thumb! Well, I just, you know, I’d like to apologise for a number of things.

[20:00]
First of all, I’d just like to say sorry for our weather. It’s terrible, isn’t it? It’s … Although in France it’s not that different, is it, really. I was quite disappointed when I came to France, because, you know, I first decided to come to France I thought, I imagined the sun. I had to imagine the sun because, you know, in Britain we don’t really know what it is. We hear rumours, we hear some myths about it.

Have you ever seen this thing called the sun?
Well, the newspaper?
No, not the newspaper.

You know in some cultures they worship the sun, don’t they. Like the Mayans for example, who were right about everything apparently. The Mayans… They are fucked now, aren’t they, the Mayans. And no one ever is going to believe anything they ever say ever again. The Mayans would be like “You know what, it’s going to be volcano” and you’re like “Fuck off”. The Mayans, they worship the sun, they had sort of, you know, images of it in temples and things, you know, worshiped in.

In Britain I think our pagan ancestors basically worship to kind of grey blanket, like a god.
(in ancestor voice) “We worship the grey blanket”. In England, you know, it’s like a myth I suppose… Some folks say… Legend has it, because obviously in England everyone is like sun starved hunchback trolls, aren’t we. “Some folks say even there is a huge ball of burning gas out there that allows all of life on Earth to thrive” – sounds like a load of bollocks to me.

I came… for me coming to France was like an adventure. Discovery, I’m going to come on an adventurer and discover the sun. You know I said goodbye to my parents and “Goodbye mother, goodbye father, don’t worry about me” and I ventured under the ocean to get here, and I arrived in France I looked to the sky and it was exactly the fucking same, no difference. (laugh) I was slightly disappointed.

But, what else. I’d like to also apologise for British food. (someone in the audience wails) Yes, oh dear. It’s terrible, isn’t it? Yes, we have a terrible reputation for our food. You know, we just fry everything.
What is it?
I don’t know, just fry it.

You know, just put it in hot oil, until it’s ready, basically, the philosophy. You know, I’m no different, before I came here I thought that I was quite a good cook. You know, I thought “Yeah, I can cook stuff” I didn’t realise that I just heat things up. That’s all I do. My idea of a good dinner is to go to Picard and just buy some ingredients and just make them hotter. I don’t even move them around, don’t really change them at all. Just heat, just raise the temperature. That’s all I do. I’m very good at it. I’m very good at heating things up, you know, if there was a Top Chef for heating things up I would win that. You can imagine
OK, so, here are your ingredients, you’ve got one hour, what are you going to do?
Well, I’m just going to heat it up and then fry it. (laugh) I’m not going to need an hour.
to be honest, couple of minutes.
microwave

But we’ve got a terrible reputation for our food in France. It’s just a joke, it really is. The other day on a metro I saw an advertisement, you might have seen it for some British biscuits, you know the ones McVitie’s. The tagline for this advert is “They are English, but they are good.” That’s the fucking genuine tag line. I’m offended. “How dare you?”

In England recently we had a horse meat scandal and this happened in France as well a bit, but it was quite big in the UK, everyone was upset about it. Basically what happened was horse meat find its way into some burgers in supermarkets. Right. So it’s a big scandal.

But technically what actually happened there… I mean horse meat is actually very good quality meat, it’s very lean, it’s like leaner than beef. So, essentially what the British people were getting upset about was like “We’ve got to stop this good quality meat finding its way into our shitty burgers. This has to stop.” In France, you know, they had also meat scandal as well, but they also had a British meat scandal. Did you read about this? A genuine scandal they were like, what happened was that somehow British meat was finding its way into French food. And this was an outrage. We have to stop this British food invading French meals. Just give you an idea how they think about the food in this country.

[25:00]
What else? I’d also like to apologise for our Royal Family. I mean, obviously not just because in France you killed yours. It’s like, you were like “fuck it, just chop their heads off, all of them”. You did though didn’t you? A bit extreme, little bit extreme. I mean obviously they were bad people. But, you know “just chop their heads off”.

You invented the machine for it as well – the guillotine. You got a bit guillotine happy in fact. This is such a fucking brilliant.. It was like an iPad, you know, at that time. (laugh)
This is brilliant. We killed everyone who is next? Is anyone rich? Any rich people here? You, what did you do?
Well, I invented the guillotine.
Well, it’s a big success. Well, you must be very rich.
Yes I am.
Get your fucking head in there then.

He did as well. Apparently the inventor of guillotine died with the guillotine. I don’t think it was an accident. I don’t think he was cleaning it. That’s not what happened. They got him and they were like “Right, you’re rich and somehow connected to the Royal Family, therefore you’re going to… put your head in there. I don’t know how they persuaded people to put their heads in the guillotine. How did they do that? They probably threatened them with death.
Put your head in there or I’ll fucking kill you.
Alright, if you put it that way.
I’ll chop your head off.
I suppose if you’re going to have your head chopped off you might as well have it chopped off in a sort high-tech way, wooden high-tech way that’s the way they operated then.

We also in the UK we have the Royal Family. You know, we have the Queen. Queen, there she is. She doesn’t smile, because it’s too expensive. There’s economic crisis, we have to save money somehow. But there she is the Queen. I don’t know really what the Queen’s job is. I think it’s basically to just not die. (laugh) Because it’s “Long live the Queen” right? “Fuck you, I’m not going to die”. You see the Jubilee? There she was on her boat, right, in the rain. “I’m going to fucking stay alive”. That’s the Queen, like that. I don’t really know what her job is. The national anthem “God save the Queen” – I’ve never really understood the lyrics “to God save the Queen” to be honest. Like “God save the Queen” – why? Is she in trouble? She need to be rescued? Is she stuck, you know, is she sort of on a mountain or something. “I’m running out of water”. “God save the Queen” – why do that have to be God? Couldn’t it be someone else? Fireman, mountain rescue, helicopter? No, I don’t know.

Maybe she’s falling of the bridge, maybe that what it is and God needs to like fly in, like Superman, and rescue her. Maybe that’s it, but couldn’t put that into the song, the lyrics wouldn’t have worked, would they? Could you imagine (singing) “God save out glorious Queen, she is falling of the bridge and she might die. Please send in God dressed as Superman, pants on the outside, God save the Queen”. I can’t imagine a footballer singing that at a sporting event, but I would. I think it would be more popular if we just add some superhero elements into it. I think that’s what God should do when Jesus comes back just dress as a superhero with a catch phrase. No. Yes or maybe not.

But, you know, don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a…
(interference of electronic signal makes some noise)
I’m not a robot. (laugh) “Zzzzzz” – that’s not my memory just “zzzz, downloading”. No, it’s not. Not much. I’m still running Windows Vista to be honest so if you… if I just sort of “yyyyy” like that it means that I’m just processing. I’m seeing like, you know, a sand thing (Luke’s showing sand timer). Sand timer, yes. If I start making noises like PC noises, you’ll know, something is really going wrong. If I go (sound of error in Windows) that you’ll know. That’s a bad PC noise, isn’t it? There are good PC noises and the bad ones. God ones are things like (sound). It’s in. (sound) That’s a god one. But (sound of error) that’s the worst noise in the world, isn’t it? You just, you know “Okay, I do this… (sound of error) Fucking hell, what did I do? Did I break the Internet?”. (sound) And all that is is “I don’t understand”, normally it’s fine. It’s fine, okay. Take it easy computer.

Macs are different. Macs are like “Yeah, whatever”. “Come on, it’s me”. That’s basically what the Mac is like. Macs go… (sound) at the beginning, don’t they?

[30:00]
Is that a Mac or is that a PC? I don’t know.
Someone in audience: It’s PC.
PC, (sound). PC. Macs go…

(Someone in audience makes appropriate, funny noise)

It’s a bit fucking arrogant, isn’t it? (the same sound). I thihnk the new Macs should just fucking go for it and go full on sort of Godly, Godlike. (Luke imitates sound of angels singing psalms or something like that) Church organ, you know. Reverb, hallucinations and stuff.

Yes, but what was I talking about. Yes, going to the Queen. She hasn’t invited me, you have to be invited to go to the Queen. And there is a very strict protocol, you have to address her as “Your Majesty” or “Your Highness”. You can’t speak very… to her, you wait for her to speak to you. You have to sort of avert your gaze. “Yes, yes, Your Majesty”, “Yes, Your Highness, as you wish”, “What is she, a fucking Dark Vader?”, “As you wish, Your Highness”. It’s kind of evil. And also when you finish talking to her you can’t turn your back on her. “Well, bye” (Luke is turning back) You can’t do that. I don’t know why, I think she might use the Jedi mind trick on you. You can’t do that. So, what, it’s pretty awkward apparently what you have to do, when you finish talking, you have to sort of walk backwards. So you kind of like “Well, thanks for the tea, they was delicious, thanks for that”.

“So, great to see you, but better go then, I’ll better be off. Okay, bye.” (Luke is walking backwards). You have to kind of move out of the room. It’s awkward.

Also if she starts moving around, you have to like track her a bit. If she starts moving around, you’ve got to like, you know, make sure you don’t turn your back on her. “Wow, wow, she’s moving.” She can go quickly as well, you don’t realise. “Turbo queen”.

Yes, Michael Jackson had no problem. “Alright, thanks” and whatever it is he does and he just moonwalked out of there. And she was like “I like it”.

Let’s see. I love being in France, because I like to meet people from different countries. I meet a lot more Americans here than I do in England. That’s great. I love meeting Americans, because that feels like I’m in a movie. Awesome. Okay, what’s going to happen?
Yeah, suddenly I’ve got a gun.
Okay, let’s go.

You know, that’s how I feel, it’s great. But I love it when Americans do English accents, British accents, because it always ends up being the sort of standard sort of Victorian chimney sweep 19th century sort of cliche. You know “Apples & pears”. “Ain’t The Queen got a lovely smile? lend us 10p. for a cup of tea, would you mister?”. You know, that kind of thing. It’s sort of Russell Brand, isn’t it, basically. “Cor blimey guvnor” – Cockney thing, alright geezer. Cockney, you’ve got to have one arm up, and that’s your Cockney. “Alright geezer?” Smoking a cigarette like that at all times.

My American accent is not particular good either, I don’t know which part of America it’s from. But you know some British actors are very good of doing the American accent. You might not realise that a lot of Hollywood actors and TV shows and stuff they are all British actors. Yeah, they’re like… you don’t realise, they are like British ninjas, that’s how I like to think of them. Like Clint Eastwood, he’s English. He’s from Dorset in the South-West. Yes, that’s right. Apparently he even wanted to do Dirty Harry in his normal voice. Can you imagine that? “I know what you’re thinkin. You’re thinkin Did he shoot six shots or was it only five? “Well to tell you the truth, you know, all this excitement, I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a 44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, it’ll blow your head clean off apparently. So I suppose you ask yourself a question, aren’t you? Do you feel lucky? Well, do you punk?”

It wouldn’t have been the same, no. But, you know, a lot of actors… Do you watch Homeland?
Someone in the audience: Yes
Brody from Homeland. He’s English. He does a very good American accent. “My name is Nicholas Brody and I’m a sergeant in the US Marine Corp. Some people would call me a terrorist. I’m not the terrorist.
You’re not a (in American pronunciation) terrorist, you’re (in British pronunciation) terrorist.
I’m not a terrorist, I’m American, I’m not here on vacation.

[35:00]
Just an accent gag.

But he’s English, it’s better when he does it in American accent, because if he did it in English accent it wouldn’t be the same, would it.
My name is sergeant Nicholas Brody. I’m a sergeant in the US Marine Corp. Some people will call me a terrorist. I’m not, sorry. I’m not a terrorist.

Batman, Christian Bale. He’s English as well. Batman is English.
Who are you?
I’m Batman.
And he’s English too. But again… it’s better when he does it in the American accent. Alright, because if he was English, it wouldn’t be the same.
Who are you?
I’m Batman. Could you perhaps stop doing that. It’s just a bit illegal. Okay?
That that’s why he does the kind of (in Batman voice) “I’m Batman” voice.
(in Batman voice) “I’m Batman, I’m trying to quit cigarettes”. Do you have a lozenge?
You know, but obviously some British characters are better with British actors. I can’t imagine for example an American being James Bond. Do you imagine that?
“My name is Bond, James Bond”.

Like an Italian American James Bond, can you imagine? Imagine Robert De Niro as James Bond “007, I have a licence to kill, don’t fuck with me. Don’t fuck around me, I’m on a Majesty’s Secret Service, you fuck.”

I’d like to see that. I would genuinely like to see that film.

Just to finish off. So lot of people in this country around the world is learning English, right. Sort of improving their English. Good, trying and all that sort of thing. A lot of people use the BBC news as the way of keeping the English fresh. I don’t know. Do you know how to do that? Do you watch the BBC sometimes?
No.
Um.
Yeah.

How? Any native Americans, in tonight? But a lot of people use the English, the BBC English as a sort of modal for English, but I don’t know if everyone realises that’s not… they don’t speak normally, do they? It’s not like normal people speak. Have you noticed that?

(in BBC accent) “For some reason everybody on the BBC seems to speak in this kind of way. The sentence stress is strange, the intonation is just plain weird. Some of the words go down, some of the go up for no apparent reason. No one really seems to know quite where the sentences are going, perhaps one of the most notable features of this particular phenomenon is the fact that when the sentence finally does draw to a close, it has to do so on rather a mysterious note.” I don’t know why they’re doing that.
(applause)

I’m worried that people out there are learning English from the BBC. They’re going to just speak weird. Right? Imagine if you are with your friends and you’ve got like someone is like a non native speaker of English and you’re talking about the crazy night out you had last night. Oh, I’m so hung-over.
What about you?
And his name is…
What about you Pedro?
And Pedro goes:
It was a scene of devastation. The hangover struck in the early hours of the morning. The latest witness reports stated that I rose from my bed at approximately 10 a.m. before moving over to bathroom in a desperate bid to get myself clean. From there things seemed to improve, as I moved into the kitchen in order to consume what was to become a breakfast of champions. A breakfast which only later on emerged again as vomit.
(laugh)

These news readers, I don’t know quite why they do this, I think they maybe they can’t stop doing that. They’re just addicted to it or something. So if when they kind of get home in the evening after reading the news all day. They come home. “Good evening darling, I’m home. I had a fantastic day at the newsroom today talking about facts makes me horny. So I suggest we indulge an impromptu act of sexual congress right here by the door. Luke Thompson in the hall way, in my wife.”

Thank you very much. Ladies and Gentlemen you’ve been a fantastic audience.

[End of the gig]

Okay, so that is the end of the performance. I hope you enjoyed it, as I said beforehand: why don’t you look on the page, you can see the video and you might be able to see sections of the performances transcribed.

[40:00]

So that you can read it and learn. Leave your comments as well. What did you think? Was there anything that you didn’t understand. Put your comments on the episode. Let’s have a little chat about it, shall we? If you’re in the area. Who knows, maybe you’re in France or Paris or something or just travelling through, then you might be able to see me perform again tomorrow. I’m performing at the place called Theatre de DIx Heures, Theatre of ten hours. Le Theatre de Dix Heures. My pronunciation is terrible. Anyway the Theatre de Dix Heures, which is in Pigalle, and that’s a great Theatre. I’m performing there, you can see me tomorrow. And on Tuesday I’m performing at the Paname Art Cafe. So if you’re in town, come and see me. Check out the website for more details. Look at the Facebook page, I’ll advertise the gigs that I’m doing there as well. And come along, otherwise stay tuned to the podcast.

Don’t worry, I haven’t stop doing that. I’ve got loads of ideas. I’ve just been writing some ideas this afternoon with a coffee, I had a coffee and I had some inspiration and I wrote a bunch of stuff. I’ve been getting lots of correspondence from people online. So plenty of inspiration. And I hope to eventually produce a one hour comedy show. You’ve heard half an hour there. I think I can do about one hour and then I can perform it regularly. Who knows, I might even be able to take the show and travel to some other locations. So maybe one day I’ll be coming to your town in order to make people laugh, hopefully make them laugh rather than make them cry. But you never know, do you, with comedy. That’s it. Thanks very much again for listening. Do leave your comments and stuff like that. Stay tuned for more episodes in the future. Check out the page to see the video. I’m going to shut up now, but watch this space for more episodes of Luke’s English Podcast in the future. Thanks very much for listening. Bye, bye, bye.
[END]

  • Gus Car

    Very good bitchl! sorry!!!! (just kidding :) ). Congratulations! you’ve a gift, go ahead!!!

  • Daniele Francesconi

    very funny ..my compliment Luke for you brilliant performance!

  • olgaverb

    That’s funny!

  • Antonio (ptholome)

    I saw the video of this stand up and I liked it though I didn’t understand everything. Now all is good. I have appreciated a lot this podcast…. I hope you have bought a new mac because they are the best. But window 8 is also quite good but iOS doesn’t play in the same level…

  • Donald

    Brilliant! You made me laugh a lot!!!

  • Pingback: Teacher Luke’s lessons | Notes()

  • Chairle

    Hi Luke, your work are amazing! Really! And I must agree with Jason..especially the end of this podcast make me laugh. Thank you!

  • Pretty good, Luke. Keep it up. I liked it all but especially the journalist’s voice at the end. Oh, that and the Queen’s job is to stay alive :-)