The annual Christmas episode of LEP is here! Explaining 29 truly awful jokes that you might get in a Christmas cracker this year. Enjoy! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Hello folks, welcome to this new episode.
This is the traditional Christmas episode of LEP.
We’ve got a log fire burning in the background, just to create the right atmosphere. We’re feeling festive, we’re feeling Christmassy.
That’s right, it’s Christmas time again. This is the 11th Christmas that I have celebrated on LEP now.
I know that not all of you celebrate Christmas, but I hope you feel part of this anyway, because for me Christmas should be a season of goodwill to everyone, so – you’re all welcome to listen, enjoy and take part in this one.
The title of this episode is “29 Awful Christmas Jokes, Explained”.
Awful Christmas Jokes
This is Christmas so I’m using Christmas cracker jokes. Jokes that you find in Christmas crackers. So, this is an episode about Christmas Cracker Jokes, which are awful.
What are Christmas crackers, Luke?
Why do they have jokes in them? → They just do, ok?
Cracker jokes usually have some kind of Christmas theme, or at least some kind of seasonal theme like something involving snow or other festive images.
Christmas cracker jokes are almost always awful, cringeworthy puns, but I quite like that, personally.
Christmas cracker jokes are much more likely to make you groan than laugh, although if you are in the right mood, some of them might catch you by surprise and could make you LOL during your Christmas holiday or should I call that the Christmas LOLiday. Yep, that’s the level we’re operating at here.
Right, so in a moment I’m going to tell you the jokes, let’s see if you get them all. Afterwards I will explain them as well.
There is a lot of English to learn from this – vocabulary, or certain little features of pronunciation which form the centrepiece of the joke – the double meaning that makes your brain go BZZZ and then either you laugh or you just groan. Remember, if you don’t get the joke you have to say “I don’t get it”.
I got most of these jokes from a list I found on the Telegraph’s website.
This will actually be a good test of your general English comprehension skills, but also your knowledge of Christmas vocabulary. I’ve you’ve heard my previous Christmas episodes, like the A to Z of Christmas, then you’ll probably get these. But you definitely need to be on your toes regarding the Christmas vocabulary specifically. I’ll be going through all of that after I’ve told these jokes.
I’m going to play some generic Christmas background music in order to create a festive atmosphere.
Let’s see how many of these 29 awful jokes you can get.
Here we go.
Generic Christmas background music
29 Awful Christmas Jokes
- What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas quacker
- What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
- Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf-taught
- Who is Santa’s favourite singer?
- What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve.
- How many letters are in the alphabet at Christmas?
25 – there’s no-el
- Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
Because they always drop their needles
- What did the farmer get for Christmas?
- Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
They were two deer
- What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
“Can you smell carrots?”
- Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?
- What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
- What happened to Santa when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker
- Who’s Rudolph’s favourite singer?
- Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
- What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper
- What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
“I don’t like sprouts!”
- Why does your nose get tired in winter?
It runs all day
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
- What kind of music do elves listen to?
- What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson
- What do reindeer put on their Christmas trees?
- What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar?
He got 25 days
- What does Santa do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack
- What happened when Santa got stuck in a chimney?
He felt Claus-trophobic
- How do snowmen get around?
By riding an icicle
- How did Scrooge win the football match?
The ghost of Christmas passed
- Why is it getting so hard to buy Advent calendars?
Their days are numbered
- How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?
On the dark side
So, how many did you get? Did you laugh? Did you groan? Did you say “I don’t get it”?
Let me now explain everything for you.
I said before that all these jokes rely on your knowledge of specific Christmas vocabulary, so to help you a little bit I’m going to say all the items of vocab, just as a reminder. Then I’ll go through the jokes one by one and you might get them.
Here is all the Christmas vocab in those 29 jokes. Listen to hear me explain all the items.
- A christmas cracker
- Christmas decorations
- Christmas trees (they have needles and usually drop their needles during the holiday period)
- An advent calendar
- Santa (Claus) aka Father Christmas
- A sleigh
- The chimney
- Elf / elves
- A sack (of presents)
- Christmas eve
- To get something for christmas
- To wrap presents
- A snowman
- To freeze
- To get frostbite (not a typical Christmas thing, but it might happen if you’re exposed to sub-zero temperatures, which are also no-longer normal at Christmas)
- A long jumper / sweater
- A turkey (Do you like dark meat or white meat?)
- Scrooge (A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens – read out by me in episode 320)
Now let’s go through those jokes again and break them down
Scroll back up to read the jokes again.