354. Would You Rather…? (with Amber, Paul & James Simpson)

aka “The Accordion Legs Episode” Listen to Amber, Paul, James Simpson and me as we play a light-hearted speaking game called “Would you rather…?” and hear about having accordions for legs, being stuck in a lift with a pair of wet dogs and living on a desert island with a mermaid (or merman). You’ll also hear the results of the interactive lying game from episode 343. There are notes and some transcriptions below. Share your comments on the page for this episode. How would you answer these ‘would you rather’ questions?

[DOWNLOAD] Groovy background music c/o Jim Thompson & www.bensound.com

Introduction Transcript

Hello and welcome back to the podcast. This one is called “Would you rather…?” and first I’d like to make a couple of disclaimers before you listen to this. What’s a disclaimer? It’s a statement that denies responsibility for something. So, right at the start of this episode I’m putting my hands up and saying – “Look, I’m just telling you there are some possibly stupid or offensive moments in this episode and now that I’ve told you, I’m not responsible for knee-jerk reactions that you might have. You’ve been told! And there it is”. So, by way of a disclaimer, here are a couple of things which I think are important to say to you before I play you this episode, so listen up!

Disclaimer #1

This episode contains quite a lot of silly nonsense – even more silly nonsense than usual. You’ll hear us talk about some ridiculous, childish and slightly disgusting things in this one. But it’s all done in the name of fun, and what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with fun? Are you saying there’s something wrong with fun? No, of course you’re not saying that, you wouldn’t say that would you? No you wouldn’t, because there is nothing wrong with fun. Harmless fun. In fact I would argue that sometimes it’s important to have fun talking complete nonsense with your mates, don’t you think? Don’t you ever talk about silly idiotic rubbish with your friends? I bet you do. It’s one of the best things in the world isn’t it? Talking stupid rubbish with your friends? Well, that’s what we’re doing in this one, and I invite you to join us and have fun with us.

If you’re a long-term listener to this podcast then you’ll know that I sometimes enjoy talking about silly non-sensical things on the podcast. But if you are new to this podcast then you should know that it’s not all just serious stuff about politics and sometimes it’s a bit silly here at podcast HQ. Alright – so that’s disclaimer 1 – you’ve been told.

swearingDisclaimer #2: swearing

There is a lot of swearing in this episode. A lot of the classic rude words feature in this conversation. The f-bomb, the s-word and a few others. So, be warned, there’s tons of swearing in this episode. They’re not bleeped out because I know you actually would rather listen to just natural conversations in English, even when they include some swear words – in fact most of you actually want to hear the swear words. How do I know that? Because I did a poll a couple of months ago on my website. Here are the results.

Swearing Poll – Results

The question:  How do you feel about swearing on the podcast?
219 Votes
Bleep the swear words . 0.5% / 1
Don’t bleep swear words. 22.8% / 50
Swearing is OK. I want to know how people really speak. 36.1% / 79
Swearing is OK. Just don’t do it ALL the time. 13.7% / 30
No swear words at all, please. (Not even bleeped ones) 0.5% / 1
You can do what you want, Luke. 26.0% / 57

So, 99% of the people who took that poll seem to be absolutely fine with swearing. There’s just one person who’s not a fan.

So, to that one person – I am sorry in advance. But, you know – here’s my disclaimer. For the rest of you – well, let’s just carry on shall we? You want real British English? Here it is.

Disclaimer #3 – The Russian Joke (sigh)

You will hear us talk about the Russian joke again, which I’m fed up with frankly. Why am I fed up with the Russian joke? Because people keep asking me to explain it, and every time I explain it someone else tells me they don’t understand it and need it to be explained again. So I need to put this to bed now. I want to say just this – the joke has nothing to do with Russian people. It’s just based on the words “Russian” (the nationality) and “rushing” (moving fast to avoid being late) They sound similar. That’s it. No deeper meaning than that. We keep laughing about this because it’s just a recurring thing – I told this joke during a stand up show and nobody in the audience laughed and I explained it – but they still didn’t laugh or understand it. So I had to explain it again. Now, every time this joke is mentioned I have to explain it again and more people don’t understand it. It’s just a running joke and Amber & Paul keep laughing about it because it’s just an embarrassing story of me telling a bad joke on stage and nobody understanding it. It’s a comedy of errors and after this episode I hope it will never be mentioned ever again.

RIGHT! That’s it. No more disclaimers!

Let me now move on to the introduction to this episode.

First you’re going to hear the results of the Interactive Lying Game. Feel the excitement!

Then we play a speaking game called “Would you rather…?” That’s a very simple game which people play with their friends just for fun. Essentially it’s about coming up with quite ridiculous and specific questions with two difficult options – “would you rather do ‘this’ or ‘this’?” – and then you ask your friends and you end up having very in-depth conversations about the answers. I’m sure you have a similar game in your first language.

There’s no winner or loser for this game, which is good news for Paul. The aim of the game is just to have some crazy discussions and enjoy the company of friends, and I invite you to join us while we play it.

I’m now going to read out all the “would you rather” questions that you’re going to hear in this episode. The reason I’m doing that is so that you have a chance to think about them and understand them before the conversation begins. That’s going to help your understanding and enjoyment of this fairly fast-moving conversation. All these questions are written on the page for this episode so you can check them out if you want to check your understanding or spelling of any words.

So, here are the questions. And remember – I’ve already warned you that some of them are pretty silly in tone, but that’s the point of the game really.

“Would you rather…?” Questions In This Episode

Would you rather:
– have a proper relationship with far-right French politician Marine LePen (She’s your wife, you sleep together etc)?
– or live in France with Marine Le Pen as President (but she’s not your girlfriend)?
(Marine Le Pen is a right-wing French politician – she’s a bit like the French Donald Trump – not exactly, but they are both right-wing, they’re both anti-immigration, she’s quite extreme – that kind of thing)

Would you rather be stuck in a lift with…
– 2 wet dogs?
– 2 fat men who have bad breath?
(UK: lift, US: elevator)

Would you rather…
Have accordions for legs?
Or have a huge belly button which is 10 inches long and that sways to the beat of popular music?

Would you rather
– wake up completely blind?
– or wake up without being able to speak your first language (English in this case)?

Would you rather
– be very very fat (clinically obese)?
– or have Tourette’s syndrome?
(that’s a mental disorder which means that you randomly shout out very rude words in public and you can’t control it)

Would you rather
– be stuck on a desert island alone?
– or be stuck on a desert island with someone you really don’t like?

Would you rather
– eat chocolate-flavoured poo?
– or poo-flavoured chocolate?

Would you rather
– live one 1,000 year life?
– or ten 100 year lives?

Would you rather
– be a horrible offensive person in the real world for one day?
– or be a horrible offensive troll on the internet for a month?

Would you rather
– go way back in time to meet your ancestors?
– go way into the future to meet your grandchildren?

Would you rather live on a desert island with a beautiful man or woman who…
– is half fish from the belly button up (top half fish, bottom half human)?
– or is half fish from the belly button down (bottom half fish, top half human – like a mermaid)?

Let’s play this classic, stupid game, called “Would you rather…?”

The rules are simple. You’re given 2 options, and you have to decide which one you would rather have, or do – and then you have to explain why. That’s it!

This game works best when you explore the options in detail and explain your thinking. Also please feel free to ask for clarification of the questions at any point.

What would you rather do in each case?

Leave your comments below

Thanks again for listening :)

Good luck with your English.