226. On a Boat (with Moz, Alex and Paul)

aka “The Boat that Rocked” or “The Drunk Episode 2”. In this episode I spent the evening on a narrowboat on a canal in a part of North London known as Little Venice, with my friends Alex, Paul, Moz and Dave. Join us as we talk about life on a canal boat in London, the first jobs we ever had, answers to a few questions sent in by a long-term listener called Hiroshi, and explanations of various rude expressions and jokes which came up spontaneously during the conversation. Please be aware that this episode contains strong language, rude & explicit content and plenty of bad jokes. Right-click here to download.

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Introduction Transcript

Hello, this is a special introduction to this episode of Luke’s English Podcast.

Before you listen to the recording in this episode I would just like to warn you that this one contains material which you might find offensive, confusing or just plain stupid, including: failed attempts at humour, bad jokes, vague sexual innuendo, rude words, swearing, references to body parts, disgusting sound effects and general behaviour which would definitely be inappropriate in polite company. The conversation that you’re going to hear in this episode was recorded privately with friends, in a very informal setting. It is not suitable for children. It’s not really suitable for intelligent adults either to be honest. I present it here with great reservation, against my better judgement and with the understanding that some of you may find it purile, unamusing, difficult to understand, offensive or just plain unnecessary, and that publishing this episode may cause you to abandon Luke’s English Podcast, throw your phone into a lake, or even spit onto the ground in pure disgust.

However, despite my reservations to that effect, I also realise there is probably a certain section of my audience who love a bit of filth, and who would like nothing better than to listen in on a conversation between some English friends amusing themselves by talking ‘crap’ together over a few beers. In fact, I publish this conversation with those members of my audience in mind. Are you bored of listening to ‘safe’ English which has had all the rudeness removed from it? Are you fed up with being taught only the ‘nice’ English which you are supposed to speak, but which you suspect no native speakers actually use in their private lives? Do you ever have the lingering feeling that native English speakers present a ‘clean’ version of their language to you in lessons, but in private they speak a rather different form of the language – one that involves plenty of inappropriate and immature dirty jokes? Would you like to have the chance to sit with some Londoners on a canal boat while they drink beer and talk nonsense, without regard for the normal polite conventions of a language classroom or a business meeting? Well, if that’s what you want, then all you have to do is keep listening to this episode of Luke’s English Podcast which was recorded several weeks ago on a canal boat in North London, with a group of slightly drunk idiots. Idiots who I am proud to call my friends, and the group which I happily consider myself a member. Welcome to Luke’s English Podcast…

Vocabulary List & Extracts  (thanks to Jack from the comment section)

Against my better judgement
Some of you may find it puerile
However, despite my reservations to that effect……
Who would like nothing better than to listen in on a conversation……
I’ve done episodes in an apartment.
I’m doing an episode on a boat.
A canal narrow boat.
How do you want me to elaborate?
I’ve taken up running
Just jogging around a lake.
Just purely pragmatic.
The water levels have receded.
We now know exactly what Paul intended to do when he left the boat.
I suppose it’s a good thing he did leave.
The thing about a fart is that it comes from two angles, it’s like a double punch!
If you farted continuously for 6 years and 9 months you’d produce enough energy to create an atomic bomb!
I speak for the listeners as well.
Dave’s boat is moored.
A bollard.
We are getting more and more suggestive.
You are ducking the question.
Are we going to explain euphemisms?
English is a non inflicted Indo-European language.
That was frank and clear language.
It goes down into a sewer.
Anyone who has turned up on a boat….
I’m not so tight.
I’m of Irish stock.
You are in safe hands now.
You all are my bitches (extremely rude, meaning : I own all of you)
The boat just rocked.
Mr. Langton came down from the gunnels onto the bow and he’s coming into the cabin and that rocked the cabin quite heavily to the right. (17:00)
I’m a posh brummie
I’m a scumbag.
You are a proper brummie.
No-one nicked me (my) car!
I’m quite cultured.
Another example of a euphemism
Loaded with euphemisms.
He hasn’t got hairy feet.
Because I can see he has got Stroud T-shirt on. (21:17)
I bet you could drive a tractor.
I’m not babbling like a baby.
We are thundering into a forest now.
You’ve to keep rowing. (25:00)
Curtains are the things you put over a window to keep the light out.
It’s a fireplace.
Give us a sales pitch for this boat.
Prime sales pitch
This is a very tidy boat indeed.
The proud owner doesn’t know because he has had it for that long.
Lovely tiled fireplace.
Wicker basket.
They are particularly nice.
The last time you were on this podcast….
I bought a flat in London for £215,000 which is a rip off.
…..I own a 50 foot boat which is wood panelled……
Canal stretches through large parts of London.
The great thing about London is that : If you have got a canal boat you can kind of live where ever you want to live as long as you are there for like 14 days and then there is a stipulation that you have got to move on.
I’m moving myself across London kind of like itinerant but with like a big boat.
How does it feel to be cut off like this?
You can’t avoid knowing who Barack Obama is!
I’ve kind of lost the thread here….
I haven’t had my telly on since the last Top Gear.
I walked past the BBC this week…..
If you see your news of what’s going on from other places – I think you are better off.
Cargo containing boat.
And people got whiplash.
This news has been covered in London.
Moorhen, wader, swans.
There was a Turkish man who beheaded a swan.
Mute swans.
Grunting noise.
When they take off.
There’s always someone who pipes up……
Just go to the door, onto the back…..(of the boat)
In a perpetual state of……
Walrus, seal.
You are like a windscreen wiper on a car, sprays out…….
I expect that my listeners are not able to pick up on every little rude joke.
Paul or Dave says : Luke spawns like a blue whale.
……Very rude, very unsophisticated but this the way to let off some steam.
Bespoke specially designed questions for you.
Curve ball
You could do with a little bit of grooming.
Luke is a man of refinery when it comes to accents.
Radio conditions please.
He said something that was derogatory in nature.
Don’t dwell on it…..
The BBC is slowly being dismantled.
A chemistry assistant
A shoe shine boy.
They paid me in liquorice, hard liquourice.
A local rag (local newspaper)
Broadsheets, tabloids.
I bet you had to ride a long distance because it was in the countryside.
You’ve definitely got something important to bring to the table.
I was working as a shelf stacker.
Tin foods
Can I make an interesting observation here?
I worked for the BBC in compliance.
Index finger
I used to edit out programs.
Dave has just come back into the room he went out to get a couple of bottles of local beer.
It could well be…..
We need to draw things to a close
And we’ve got to think what we are going to put out there for you.
We’ve achieved less than nothing.
I’m little bit more coherent this time.
I need to wind down the podcast now.
Paul Langton : I appreciate you for listening to the podcast (Luke screams : LUKE’S ENGLISH PODCAST)
I’m just cocker hoop about every thing.
I would like to thank Hiroshi for providing such insightful questions.
On that bombshell it’s time to end the podcast.
Everyone is looking a bit sheepish.

Moz : Luke was coming over from France and I offered him a place on the boat to say but unfortunately Luke Johnson likes to take 15 showers a week minimum.

Paul : Does he need them?

Moz: Well actually, if you look at Luke that’s not his real skin that’s actually…. His skin’s stripped off – That is a wet suit. And basically he kind of lives in a perpetual state of moisture.

Luke: that’s very interesting assessment there that you have presented for me Moz. Which could quite possibly be on the internet for ever now; for every one to access. If they want to find out all about me they could listen to this and they would listen to your description. Someone might write that in fact as a transcript. Someone might be listening to this and transcribing every word and they are gonna write that down.

Dave: Genesis had a track called The Slipper Man, which I’m picturing now. I always thought about slipper man as somebody wet skinned like a walrus or a seal.

Luke: Really? So you are saying I’m a walrus or a seal!

Alex: Or you might be the eggman.