Category Archives: Humour

114. Twelve Natural Expressions

Learn 12 very common expressions by listening to this authentic and unscripted conversation.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode.
In this episode I am joined by Kate again, and her friend Mark. We teach you some natural expressions and get to know Mark a little bit.

12 Natural Expressions
Here are the expressions we explain and talk about in this episode:

to end up doing something = to eventually find yourself in a situation after having done lots of things. “We went to the pub, had a few drinks, went to a club and then we ended up at someone’s house party.”

to bend over backwards = to make a big effort for someone. “They really bent over backwards to make us feel at home.”

to bite off more than you can chew = to try and do more than you can do. “I’ve bitten off more than I can chew with this job. I don’t think I can finish it.”

to work something out = to understand something after thinking about it a lot, “I’ve worked out what to do with my old car. I’ll sell it.”

in the nick of time = at the last possible moment, “I got onto the train in the nick of time”
by the skin of my teeth = to manage to do something but you were close to failing, “I passed the course by the skin of my teeth”

to know it like the back of your hand = to know something really well, “I know this town like the back of my hand”

once in a while = sometimes, “Once in a while I like to eat a McDonald’s”

every now and then = sometimes, “I like to eat a McDonald’s from time to time”

to sleep on it = to go to sleep before making an important decision and then make the decision after sleeping, “I can’t decide what to do, I think I’ll just sleep on it”

to get the ball rolling = to get things started, “Just to get the ball rolling I’d like to ask you a question”

to get stuck in there = to go for it and get involved, ” just get stuck in there and go for it!”

109. Friday Night Banter (The Drunk Episode) with Alex, Paul & Moz

I’m joined by Alex, Paul and Moz as we have a few drinks, do some comedy improv games and talk general nonsense. Enjoy!

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode.
In this episode you’ll hear:
-An introduction (10-12 mins) in which I give you a general update and explain what you’ll hear in the rest of the episode.

-The results of a Friday night recording in my flat with Alex, Paul and Moz. We had a few drinks while recording this episode so you might hear us slurring our words and generally getting a little bit pissed* so I hope you don’t mind that! In fact, according to all your comments on the last episode, you’d love to hear a slightly drunk conversation between 4 Londoners. However, if you’re expecting to hear 4 completely smashed football hooligans chanting the national anthem, I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed as we are all quite civilised drinkers these days.
*rude word! (as you may already know, it means ‘drunk’)

So that’s it for now. Please leave your comments, thoughts, jokes and suggestions below.

Have a great morning/afternoon/evening/night and if you listen to the podcast while driving or operating heavy machinery please take care!

Luke

106. Brighton Fringe Festival #3 (with Alex, Paul & Moz)

Part 3 of the Brighton Trilogy. In this episode I ask Paul, Alex and Moz some very stupid questions, with some revealing results. Listen to the previous two episodes to find out more about The Brighton Fringe and my comedy counterparts.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode.
In this episode I ask Paul, Alex and Moz some very stupid questions, with some revealing results.

Listen to the previous two episodes to find out more about The Brighton Fringe and my comedy counterparts.

Please leave your comments and questions below. I am always glad to hear from you.

All the best, have a good weekend and speak to you again soon.

Luke

105. Brighton Fringe Festival #2 (with Alex, Paul & Moz)

Part 2 of the Brighton Trilogy.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode.
Hi everyone, how are you? (I’m fine thanks Luke.) Oh, you’re fine? Glad to hear that. I’m fine too thanks. In fact, I’m in a pretty good mood today. (Why Luke?) Well this weekend I won an award at a business English conference. (Wow, that’s cool. What’s the award?) It’s an award for ‘best presentation for a first time speaker’. I won it with a colleague of mine called Andy Johnson. (Is he related to Luke Johnson?) No, he isn’t! It’s just a coincidence! Actually, you already know Andy because he was in an episode of Luke’s English Podcast once. It was called Luke and Andy’s Crime Stories, remember that? Anyway, I’ll tell you more about that award later.

Let me tell you about this episode of the podcast that you’re about to listen to. This one is the second of 3 episodes I recorded at The Brighton Fringe Festival last month. It might be quite difficult to follow this episode because you will hear a conversation between 4 people and it’s quite fast. Do keep listening though because it is very good practice for you to follow natural and authentic conversation like this.

So, in this episode I talk to Alex, Paul, Moz (and Luke Johnson) again about various subjects including:
-The art of flyering
-How Alex would describe Paul to an alien
-Luke’s lion-like hair (it’s like a lion’s mane)
-Paul’s approach to comedy (shouting, funny faces, not many punchlines)
-Luke’s approach to comedy (surprisingly similar to Paul’s)
-Alex’s approach to comedy (it’s cerebral)
-Why Moz is like a pink dolphin in the Amazon (you’ll have to listen to find out why!)
-Moz’s weird relationship with the truth
-Moz’s comedy (it revolves around bodily functions, and gibberish)
-Paul, Alex and Moz’s relationship with the English language
-Why the English don’t speak foreign languages
-Are the English fundamentally lazy people?
-Learning French at school using a book called Tricolore, which was set in La Rochelle in France
-Experiences of going to another country and living in another culture
-Beeping out swear words (In the end I decided not to ‘beep out’ the swear word here)
-Paul’s cultural experiences in the USA
-Differences between London and the countryside
Alex’s blog: www.alexlove.co.uk

Thanks for listening and remember that your donations help to make this podcast possible.
Luke

104. Brighton Fringe Festival #1 (with Alex, Paul & Moz)

Part 1 of a trilogy of podcasts from the Brighton Fringe Festival. Join me and my friends in Brighton as we discuss various topics.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode.
Hello Listeners! This is the first of three podcast episodes recorded with comedians Alex Love, Paul Langton and Moz at the Brighton Fringe Festival last month. In this episode I introduce Alex, Paul and Moz and we discuss a number of topics including: British accents, experiences in foreign countries, comedy shows and a mysterious character called Luke Johnson. Listen to the episode to find out more, and please feel free to leave comments and questions below.

Every evening Alex, Paul and I performed a comedy show called Snigger Happy in a hot room above a friendly pub called The Temple. We had a great time performing the shows and enjoying ourselves in Brighton, which is a lovely town near the sea on the south coast of England. Also with us was another comedian called Moz, who was performing a solo show called Balloon. We performed 4 shows, with each of us doing 15-20 minutes of stand-up. I also managed to record three episodes with Alex, Paul and Moz. This is the first of those episodes.

Click here to visit Alex Love’s blog: www.alexlove.co.uk It’s all about his experiences performing comedy in venues all over London and the UK in general. Alex is a really good writer, and has written as a journalist for The Guardian newspaper.

100. Going To The Pub (with James)

This is your complete guide to how to go to the pub in the UK, including what to say, what to do, and how to get served at the bar.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode.

Contents

In this episode you’ll learn everything you need to know about going to the pub, including:
– what does a pub look like?
– types of pub
– are you welcome?
– opening times
– how to order
– where to stand
– how to get served
– the order of being served
– buying drinks for others
– tipping
– what to say to the barman
– making conversation with locals
– types of drink
– useful phrases
– what you will find in the pub
– places to sit
– things to do
– smoking
– food
– trouble
– locals
– banter
– football
– pub lunch
– after work drinks
– night out
– beer garden
– What NOT to do
– binge drinking
– getting drunk
– words for ‘drunk’
– the pub in British culture – films, tv shows
If you find the podcast useful, why not donate some money to help me pay for website costs, etc. It’s very simple to do and you can use your PayPal account for other things like online shopping. It’s completely safe and trustworthy.

The pub in English films and TV shows, and other videos:
*Comedy is difficult to understand sometimes, especially in another language. If you don’t find any of this funny, never mind!*
This is a scene from classic comedy show Only Fools and Horses. People describe this scene as “the bit when Del Boy falls through the bar”
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63rcdLeXiU8&w=400&h=301]
This is a useful guide to the different kinds of pub you can find in London. Here’s a quick summary: Tourist Pubs – they’re bad because they’re really big, fake, the beer is flat, the food is stodgy. Old Man Pubs (often found in Soho or Mayfair, but anywhere in London really) are great because they’re quite small, authentic, have interesting interior design, friendly people (usually), cheaper, more relaxing, a good place to buy good ale, a good place for banter or intelligent conversation with locals. Hipster Hangouts (typical trendy pubs in East London) are where you find fashionable cutting-edge cool young people. Family Pubs can be found in quieter parts of London, e.g. the suburbs or areas near the river for example near Hammersmith Bridge, which is my neighbourhood. The Dove in Hammersmith that’s my local, and a great pub!
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMrBcc5kdSE&w=560&h=315]
This is a home-made video. The commentator sounds like a cockney. See what happens when an American goes to a pub in the UK. He makes a few mistakes, the muppet. (‘Muppet’ is a cockney slang word meaning ‘idiot’ – it’s an affectionate insult)
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XHyze2trng&w=420&h=315]
This is Al Murray The Pub Landlord. He is a comedy character based on the cliche of British pub landlords. He’s patriotic, small minded and ridiculous. He’s a horrible, stupid guy and that is the joke (yes, it’s weird British humour). One thing I should say – this character is a criticism of this kind of stupid character but also a kind of celebration too. It’s complicated.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyGgL_omNbI&w=420&h=315]
This clip is from a disgusting, rude and hilarious (in my opinion) BBC comedy called “Bottom”. The show is about two characters called Richie and Eddie. They are both sad lonely perverts who live in London. They are desperate to pick up some girls and ‘have it off’ with them, but they have absolutely no charm whatsoever. They have no luck with women. This is because they are stupid, sex-obsessed, completely unsophisticated and downright rude. In this episode they have bought some ‘sex spray’. This is a chemical which they believe will make them irresistibly attractive towards women. They go to the pub to try and pick up some ‘birds’. In fact, the spray doesn’t work at all. It only attracts dogs, which chase them through the street outside the pub. All their pathetic attempts to seduce the women fail miserably. Richie and Eddie are played by actors Rik Mayall and Ade Edmonson, who are two of the UK’s favourite TV comedy actors. Enjoy the clip, but watch out if you’re easily offended by very crass humour. It’s a rude show, but I love it.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uVWlbh30HM&w=400&h=301]
A nostalgic and slightly sad documentary film about the decline of the pub in Britain.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ASxxiuCAcA&w=400&h=301]
Barack Obama drinks a pint of Guinness in a pub in Ireland (the best place to drink good Guinness). You might here them saying Slainte (pronounced Slanche), which what they say in Ireland before having a drink (like ‘cheers’ in the UK). Enjoy – and doesn’t it make you want a pint of Guinness?
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5206QjFWmAk&w=400&h=233]

98. Luke vs Oliver (Part 2) Comparing and describing things

We continue our discussion of various ‘vs battles’ in this episode, in order to present some descriptive language. Listen, and add your comments below!

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download the episode.
VS Battles in this episode:
Analogue vs Digital (Vinyl vs Digital)
Clock Time vs Experiential Time (What a weird discussion!)
McDonald’s vs Burger King
Red Sauce vs Brown Sauce
Book vs Kindle
Prince William vs Prince Harry
Gibson vs Fender
Tea vs Coffee
Cats vs Dogs
Indiana Jones vs Lara Croft
Football vs Rugby
Individualism vs Collectivism (not discussed)
Jason Bourne vs James Bond
Cowboys vs Aliens
Bear vs Shark
Pirates vs Ninjas
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kR7227_ndqQ&w=400&h=301]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJTF8wA5u6c&w=400&h=233]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU61xJJ-fTs&w=400&h=233]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRVCv-lXVrw&w=400&h=233]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt2Luu08f70&w=400&h=233]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVtCR5UQgsk&w=400&h=233]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dugipeVZtE&w=400&h=301]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MA5ThymLbKQ&w=400&h=301]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlZyQylOKv4&w=400&h=233]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiTnVX_IRt0&w=400&h=233]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdmupNxobP0&w=400&h=233]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sfs2FRgp-ow&w=400&h=301]

97. Luke vs Oliver (Part 1) Comparing and describing things

Listen to Luke and Oli as they discuss, compare and describe a variety of different topics, ideas, themes and people. The idea behind this episode is to compare and contrast different pairs of things, not only to decide which is the best, but also to explore them in great depth.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode.
The idea behind this episode is to compare and contrast different pairs of things, not only to decide which is the best, but also to explore them in great depth.

Here is a list of the things we compare in this episode. Feel free to contribute a transcript if you wish. Part 2 of this episode will be uploaded soon. Add your comments below ;)

‘Vs Battles’ in this episode:
Star Wars vs Lord of the Rings
Early Birds vs Night Owls
Simile vs Metaphor
Sean Connery vs Roger Moore
Apple vs Microsoft
Al Pacino vs Robert DeNiro
John Lennon vs Paul McCartney
Innovation vs Imitation
Coke vs Pepsi
The Beatles vs The Rolling Stones


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbeXERfshNc&w=400&h=233]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1c6zF9aJxs&w=400&h=233]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lea3Ynnklm4&w=400&h=301]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yeSdeQRbhPs
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkP56x8kxnU&w=400&h=301]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fqVwJs9UaY&w=400&h=233]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMo6o0BtFG8&w=400&h=301]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVjkgNaqlWE&w=400&h=301]

91. The A to Z of Random Thoughts (A Rambling Episode)

This is probably the most random episode of the podcast so far, and certainly the longest. It’s about the same length as a football match, in fact, why not listen to this while watching an actual football match? It might make it more interesting.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode.
In this one, I didn’t have time to prepare very much because I am going on holiday tomorrow and I have to pack. However, I wanted to publish something tonight so I decided to go through the alphabet from A to Z and just think of words randomly, and then make a few comments about those words. You can see the words I mention below in a long list.

Please feel free to add your comments to this podcast episode. I’d really like you to contribute your thoughts.

I also give you an update to the competition I launched in the last episode. I have received a few mp3s but not as many as I expected. So, I’ve decided the change the rules of the competition. You can now send me emails with your responses to podcast episodes. Write no more than about 200 words in response to an episode. Please write the word ‘competition’ in the email so I know it is a competition entry. I will read out your emails on a podcast in the near future and then listeners can vote for their favourite mp3 or email response. The winner will get the Phrasal Verbs dictionary.

Here’s the A to Z list I talk about in this episode. There are also some videos at the bottom for you to check out. Have fun, and please donate some money (even a small amount helps) so I don’t lose out by doing this podcast. Your donations make this podcast possible. If you’d like to donate, click the button below. It’s easy and PayPal is a very safe and secure way of transferring money online (you can use it for eBay and other stuff too)…

A to Z
Remember that I just wrote these words down randomly in a couple of minutes. In the podcast I talk about these things. There’s no overall theme. It’s just a random collection of ideas, all improvised into the microphone.
Action
Ambition
Business
Batman
Comedy
Destruction
Deserve
Dogs
Elephants
Eggs
Easter
French
Germany
Greece
Gravy
Hamburgers
Health
Hicks (Bill Hicks)
Holidays
Ice-cream
Igloo
iPad
James
Jimi Hendrix
Jazz
Jogging
Jobs (Steve)
Keith Richards
Keith Moon
Kissing
Luke/luck/look
Luck
Lazy
Lemon and Lime
Lennon (John)
Mum
Maths
Monopoly
Nose
Orange Juice
Obstacles
Opportunities
Police (crime fighters)/ The Police (rock band)
Pressure
The Queen (monarch) / Queen (rock band)
Qualifications
Questions
Respect
Remember/Remind
<b>Random</b>
Stones (Rolling)
Stone (in your shoe)
Stupid
Sorry
Trailers
Trees
Underwear
Underground
Violence
Women’s day
Wookie
Why?
Xylophone
X-Men / ex-men
X-Box
Yesterday
Yes
Yellow
Zebra
Zoo
Zen

Batman’s night out in Toronto
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLOps4qA5rM&w=400&h=233]

89. A Day In The Life (The vocabulary of everyday routines)

A vocabulary episode in which I explain all the actions in a normal day.

Right-click here to download this episode.

Introduction
I got an email today from a woman in Russia. She said it can be easy to talk about big topics like politics but what’s hard is explaining simple actions in detail. So I’m going to describe a typical day in my life, in great detail.

There will be lots of vocabulary, but this episode is not planned. Vocabulary will come up and the context should make it clear what I’m talking about. I will also write many things I say on this page, below. That’s just an example of how much work goes into an episode of Luke’s English Podcast. I have to have the idea, record it, edit it, upload it, listen again and note down vocab, post it, promote it. It might take the whole evening. Bear in mind I’ve got to eat, speak to my girlfriend, do the laundry.

It’s hard to please everybody. I get messages all the time with comments and requests. Some typical comments are generally positive. People seem to love the podcast. Some people still have comments though, and say episodes are too long. That’s normally teachers who want to use parts of the podcast in class. I’d recommend you check out my mini podcasts on Audioboo. You can click the link on the top right hand corner of my homepage http://teacherluke.podomatic.com .

Some people say the podcasts are not long enough and they want more! Some like it when I don’t plan and just let it happen naturally. Others prefer structure and focus. Some don’t like it if I repeat explanations too much because it’s unnecessary and sometimes the explanations are more complex than the words I’m explaining! I think you have to explain vocabulary sometimes. Others really appreciate my descriptions and definitions. Some people really need a transcript and others don’t seem to even look at the page.

Some people love the range of different accents you can hear in the interviews that I’ve used, and some people prefer to just listen to my voice because they like the accent I have. Some people like me to interrupt the recordings with explanations, and others prefer to just listen to it uninterrupted. Some people like it when I’m joined by my brother or cousin and other people just like to hear me on my own.

Basically, I’m going to do it my way! It might not always be perfect, but true perfection is almost impossible. So, IT’S MY WAY OR THE HIGH WAY!

Trust me, I do know what I’m doing – more than anyone else – I know what I’m doing and I’m in charge! So, that’s that.

The podcast used to be a little hobby on the side for me but now it’s a genuinely fruitful way to teach. There are limitations, like I can’t see you or hear you, there are no pictures and no whiteboard for me to write on but I always dreamed of having my own radio show and now I’m doing it.

I got over 4,000 downloads in just one day recently. I keep meeting students who already know me through the podcast. This is fun.

VOCABULARY
So now, let me take you through a typical day. The following passages are just NOTES which I’ve written which cover many of the new expressions and vocabulary I use. It’s not a complete transcript. I recommend that you use a dictionary such as the Cambridge Online Advanced Learners Dictionary http://dictionary.cambridge.org/ or the Macmillan Dictionary http://www.macmillandictionary.com/ to check new words.

I will wake up and I get woken up by my alarm clock. It comes on at 6.30 in the morning. I’d lean over and put it on sleep. I put it on sleep again and I go back to sleep. I’ve had enough I’m going to get up. I pull back the duvet and get out of bed and I’m usually like a zombie, I’m yawning, staggering through the living room to get to the toilet.

Open the door by turning the handle. Grip the handle and turn it. Pull the door. I turn on the tap and I drink loads of water directly from the tap. I pull the curtain across and I let the shower run for a few minutes to let the water heat up. I give myself a wash. Get some soap to create a lather. I clean behind my ears. Squeezing out some shampoo and then rubbing that in my hair. Rinse my hair. Use a towel to dry myself off. I normally have to iron a shirt first. It’s one of my pet hates. Lay the shirt across the ironing board. Move it forwards and backwards and that irons out all the creases. Iron the sleeves and the collars and you can look a bit RESPECTABLE. Sometimes I tuck my shirt in.

I do like cereal. My favourite thing is to make a cereal cocktail. Let the cereal absorb some of the milk. One thing that always surprises me is that at the bottom of the bowl there’s always more milk than there is cereal at the end. I put my shoes on. Tying up the laces with a loop or a double loop. I press the button to call the lift. It can be a little bit awkward. You don’t really want to make conversation because it’s really awkward. Moving one foot first and then putting your body weight onto it and you keep going forwards in that kind of motion until you get to your destination. We’ve got some kind of balance perception in your ear.

While I’m walking I love to listen to music. I put it on random. I put the audio jack into the mp3 player. I lean against a lamp post while I wait for the bus to arrive. I might go on twitter or something. First I have to unlock the phone. Press the button in the top left hand corner. Move the control pad to move the cursor around until you get to the application you want to launch. Click the button to launch the application. Scroll through all the messages.

I get my oyster card. I beep the oyster card onto a sensor and that automatically deducts about £1 from my account. Make sure I keep my hand on the hand rail. Sit there and daydream. I have to go onto my teaching mode. I’m in a bit of a rush and the stress starts. Looking in my material bank. Lots of lesson materials, I must have hundreds of different lessons in there. Photocopying double sided with a staple in the top left corner and punching holes on the document with a hole punch.

I write down a list of things I’m going to do step by step. The first item on the list is ‘hello’. I like to test the students a little bit by engaging them in some natural conversation. If Sungin is on the ball he’ll say “i’m doing fine”. Then I get the ball rolling. That will bring up different things like error correction. Then you go through it and that helps you to deal with bits of grammar. You then have a whole white board full of lexis and you then start rubbing out little words. Can they come up with some examples?

I queue up and get my lunch. I sit down with my colleagues. You kind of spike a potato with a fork and hold it in place and use a knife to cut the potato in half. You start to chew. YOu really mash up the food. I wolf my food down. I need food because I’ve got a high metabolism and I digest food really quickly.

Get home, get into my apartment, slide the key into the lock and turn it. One of the first things I might do is make myslelf a cup of tea. I probably surf youtube or something. Check out all the different pages I’m on. I probably cook something. Probably some pasta. Spaghetti bolognese. I’d have to have some minced beef in the fridge. I’d get the pan out and chop up some garlic, chop it up fine with a knife. Dice the onion. Slice it up and chop up all the slices into cubes. Fry the onions and the garlic until the onions go green and transparent. Simmer the onions on the hotplate. Allow it to cook a bit until it’s clear or see-through. Cook it until the meat is just about going brown or grey, so you’ve seared most of the meat. Then you can add tomatoes and you mash them up. Tomato puree. Squeeze it into the beef, and you let that simmer, you can add a dash of red wine, let it simmer and reduce. Stick it on the hotplate and allow it to boil. Maybe add a pinch of salt. Get your spaghetti, put it into the pan and push it into the water. Leave that until it’s boiled. Fish out a length of spaghetti with a fork. You don’t want to burn your mouth. Pull the spaghetti out. If it sticks to the wall, it’s edible. You fish it out and you drain all the water out. Stick your fork in and start turning the fork with a spoon and that allows you to wrap all the spaghetti on the fork.

Sometimes I’ll lie in bed and I’ll read a book. I drift off into a dream. I like to daydream. I completely fall asleep and drift off into deep sleep.