Who would win in a fight between a bear and a shark? This episode is full of descriptive language and funny moments.

Right-click here to download this episode.

Obviously, this is just a virtual fight, not a real one. It’s just a funny topic of conversation, and a light-hearted topic for this episode of Luke’s English Podcast.

In this episode you will listen to:
1. A stand-up comedian from Canada (Tony Law) talking about a fight between a bear and a shark
2. I will explain vocabulary and jokes that Tony Law makes
3. You’ll listen to some expert opinions on who would win the fight

So, let’s think about this fight between a big bear and a dangerous shark. How would you organise the fight? Where would you do it? which animal is the strongest? How would the bear manage to grab the shark? Would it bite it or hit it with its paws? Would the bear be able to swim in the water? Wouldn’t it just want to escape? How about the shark? Would it be able to swim in shallow water? How many times would it need to bite the bear? Wouldn’t the two animals just try to escape? WHAT THE HELL WOULD HAPPEN???

This episode is just a bit of fun! Obviously, I hope no-one really tries to do organise a fight between two animals. It’s just a VIRTUAL fight, not a REAL one!

Transcript – Tony Law (Bear vs shark)
Now, another fun thing to do if you’ve got the money and you’ve got the time it’s well worth your while if you could organise yourself a fight between a black bear and a shark. Now, what you’re gonna need to get started up is a shallow little wading pool, ok? Now, any old wading pool will do but i prefer one with aluminum siding, or aluminium if you will. And most of you do.
Get that nice and set up. Now, this is important, make sure you put sand bags around the outside of it because you’re going to put a lot of weight in there okay? All right.
Now, some of you are ahead of me. You’re thinking, you’re saying Tone we’re going to need to fill that up with water aren’t we? Yes we are. So you introduce your garden hose or weirdly long tap, I don’t know your homes. I don’t know how much you like DIY. So, so you get that nice and full of water and now you want to, you’re going to want to introduce your shark, aren’t you? Yeah, of course, yeah. So, now you’re going to need a buddy for this. Always buddy up because sharks, they’re heavy aren’t they. So you get your shark and bring him in, right, because I use a tiger shark for this, they’re just, they’re more bitey. They’re more bitey and it helps the process along.
So you put him in there, let him acclimatise himself. Now that won’t take very long because that’s a small pool, and he’s a big fish, isn’t he? So, get him in there, right, let him acclimatise himself, right. And then you go into the house and you get your paints. Oil paints are the best for this. And you come out and you paint that shark up to look like a salmon.
“You know honey, we should do more dangerous art! -I know!” Now you’re going to want to introduce your black bear, right? Listen, hey, once you’ve done it my way once, you can change it up. Use any kind of bear you want. Polar bear, grizzly. First time, try it with a black bear, okay? So you bring in your black bear. He’s a bear isn’t he, and he’s going to look down and that’s definitely going to be the largest salmon he’s ever seen in his life. It’s not going to stop him, he’s just going to go “Oh, all my bear Christmases have come at once”. He’s going to look down and he’s just going to go “Mmmm, that’s a big motherfuckin’ salmon right there. Shit! I’m gonna eat that fuckin’ salmon right up! Mmm, that is a tasty looking big motherfuckin’ salmon there. I said what I said. MMM, I’m gonna eat that salmon up because I built up an appetite, with the ladies, mmm. ”
Now listen, you get your black bear from anywhere in the world, you don’t need to make his voice quite so racist. Smarten up! You know, be more xenophobic about it. Get yourself a Russian bear, “Oh boy look at the size of that salmon I can’t wait to eat it”. You know, or a Polish bear, “Oh boy I sound exactly like Russian bear. I can’t wait to eat it.” You know, or get yourself a Chinese bear… I’m not going there am I? [I’m not going to do that accent] Doesn’t matter how good you think your Chinese voice is, it isn’t. It never is, is it? I mean there’s some accents you just stay away from, aren’t there? You know, like Chinese and all of it’s affiliates. Ooh, don’t go there. Those aren’t for you, unless you’re Chinese or, you know, someone in your family is Chinese. You know, then knock yourself out. Same thing, Indian sub-continent. Ooh, danger lurks there. Don’t do those accents. Unless you’re indian, you know, or your parents are, I don’t know. We’ve all got a white friend who’s done his Indian accent, haven’t we, at some point in your life. It’s never worked out has it? Artistically or morally. It’s [always] like “oh, he’s doing the voice, ohhh.” Starts out in Trinidad & Tobago, moves over to Wales for a bit, and fucks off up to Sunderland for a while. Ohh, while everyone feels a bit dirty, and needing a bath. Ohh, but you don’t say anything do you? He won’t learn, will he? If you say something, he’ll never learn. He’ll only learn by everyone going “mmmmmm”.
But he just sees it and he goes straight in with that left paw doesn’t he? Ah, big mistake black bear. ARR! Pulls back a stump. That’s not going to heal in a hurry. But like I said, brave, noble creature and he things “I’ve got one good paw left. I’m going in”. Second mistake black bear, Ahh! Pulls back a stump. Now he’s fucked isn’t he? Now we’ve got a black bear with no front paws. He’s losing a lot of blood but luckily he spent some time in the Moscow state circus so he can balance on his hind two feet, and if there’s a little kiddies bicycle around he can probably just wheel around on that too. He’s not going to have the glorious victory he was hoping for now. Now he’s gotta like do little nips in the shark’s ass. Just little nips. Little nips. And I wish there was an exciting way for that to finish but it takes about eight hours for the shark to bleed to death.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=draZQ2upJZ0&w=480&h=360]

Expert Opinion
Here is the expert opinion from www.en.allexperts.com
Wild Animals/Great White Shark vs Grizzly Bear Expert: Jonathan Wright – 8/3/2005
Question About 50 of my friends and I have been debating whether a Great White Shark or Grizzly Bear would win in a fight in 4-6 feet of water for about a year now. It always comes up at bars or trips, etc. Perhaps an expert like yourself could provide some insight or facts about which we could further debate this issue. Of course, we would all also love to hear your opinion on which animal would win. Thanks in advance.

Get the answer below
Answer:

Dear Justin
Thanks for your question. I must admit that it would be extremely unlikely for a grizzly bear to come into contact with a great white shark. Generally speaking, animals do not tend to have fights with members of other species. If an animal is not a potential prey, there is little reason to waste any time on it. I think that the bear and shark would try to avoid one another, rather than launching into a fight. If the bear could escape onto land, or the shark into deeper water, they would do so.

I have looked up various websites. Several people have discussed the outcome of a fight between a bear and shark and there are supporters on both sides. There is even a cartoon of a brown bear holding a shark aloft.
http://myoldkyhome.blogspot.com/2005/06/bear-vs-shark.html states that if the bear couldn’t stand up, it would lose in water.
http://www.cordmag.com/002may2004/tenquestionsshins.html also thinks the shark would win, as the bear’s claws couldn’t get hold of the shark. http://www.ambrosiasw.com/forums/lofiversion/index.php/t95776.html gives various ideas about the fight.

One correspondent states that a shark wouldn’t have a big enough mouth to swallow a bear in shallow water. Some correspondents favour the bear, because of its teeth, jaws and claws. The bear can move its claws and mouth independently from the rest of the body. One suggestion is that if the bear got on top of the shark and held on, it could scoop out its brain, using a massive swipe of a claw; a counter-argument is that this isn’t normal bear behaviour. One correspondent thinks a grizzly bear would have enough strength to beat a mako shark in shallow water, with blunt force blows crushing the shark. The bear is also a good enough swimmer to have some chance of beating a shark in shallow water.

Other correspondents favour the shark, which is bigger, heavier, faster and stronger in water than the bear is. It could use its great jaw strength and biting power to sever the bear’s limb, leading to the bear dying from blood loss. It also has tough skin, covered with sharp scales. The bear couldn’t survive the shark’s initial assault. http://www.yptenc.org.uk/docs/factsheets/animal_facts/great_white_shark.html mentions details of a shark attack. As it opens its mouth to attack, it raises its flexible snout out of the way and the jaws, which are loosely attached to the skull, are pushed out as the mouth opens which puts the teeth into the biting position. There is immense power behind the jaws and the teeth are adapted for shearing or sawing flesh as a shark clamps its jaws on its victim and throws its head from side to side until a mouthful is torn from the body. A modest-sized 4.8 metre (16 foot) great white shark can bite with a pressure of 3 tonnes per square centimetre, and will tear out a chunk of flesh measuring 28 by 33 centimetres. Sharks usually catch weakly and sick animals, so would be unlikely to attack a healthy bear. It may attack in shallow water, rushing in before a victim realises what is going on.
http://www.newenglandsharks.com/N.ENG.%20whites.htm states that white sharks are often found in shallow water and seem to prefer eating marine mammals instead of fish, especially if the prey is found close to shore. In your scenario, the depth of the water is important, also whether the animals are trapped in the pool or whether they can escape. Generally speaking, the bear would win if a fight took place on land, while the shark would probably win if the fight took place in deep water. A fight in shallow water could go either way, although the bear would try to escape onto land, if possible. It would only be able to swim for a limited period of time and would be in danger of drowning if the shark dragged it under the water. The bear could hit the shark on the nose (if it thought this was a good idea), but otherwise the shark is a tougher animal and, I think, would be more likely to win. There is a strong possibility, though, of a double death, with the bear drowning and the shark suffocating;
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=521266 states that a shark slowly suffocates unless there is a stream of water over the gills.

Looking at all the evidence, I think that the shark is more likely to win if the fight can only take place in water i.e. if the bear cannot drag the shark onto land. I think that, if land were available, the bear wouldn’t enter the water in the first place, or would try to escape from the water as soon as possible. A great white shark is a totally different issue compared to a salmon. While the bear could use its claws to punch the shark’s nose or gouge out flesh, the shark’s teeth are more powerful and, if either animal lost any of their teeth, the shark has lots of spare sets, while if an adult bear loses its teeth, these are lost for ever. The strength, biting power and speed of the shark in water would probably give it an advantage against the bear in most situations. While the bear could win, and does have many supporters in this prospective fight, I think that the shark is more likely to be the victor. I only hope that this fight is only done on a virtual level and isn’t staged for the amusement of bloodthirsty people. I hope this helps you and your colleagues. All the best.
Jonathan

Questioner’s Rating Rating(1-10) Knowledgeability = 10 Clarity of Response = 10 Politeness = 10 Comment Thanks a ton, it was the best help I could get!