Category Archives: Uncategorized

165. English Premier League Football (with James Simpson)

A discussion about football with a focus on the basic things you need to know about the Premier League and being a footy fan in England.

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Luke’s Intro
Hello listeners, this episode is all about football! Saturday afternoon, down the pub, going to a match, listening to the radio, the results coming in on your phone, the mixed emotions of a big game, the joy, the tension the disappointment, the celebrations, the rivalries, the joy of being a kid and playing football in the park, jumpers for goalposts, to the international spectacle of The World Cup – huge moments of drama witnessed by the whole world simultaneously, star players, controversial refereeing decisions, angry & stressed out managers, tears & injuries, that magic sponge that they use to cure injuries, the glamourous and sexy footballers’ wives, the sight of a perfectly struck free-kick – the ball spinning and curling in the air in slow motion as it glides over the wall and over the heads of defenders, curving in space and beyond the tips of the goalkeeper’s fingers as it sails majestically right into the top corner of the goal, sending the net billowing back and cascading behind it – the goalkeeper still falling, the player staring – there’s that brief moment of silence before the entire stadium explodes like a million tonnes of dynamite, but in a good way!

FOOTBALL! Our old friend.

Or maybe you can’t stand it. Maybe for you it’s just 90 minutes of crushing boredom – watching powerless while a bunch of overpaid prima donnas kick an air-filled sack around a green rectangle, while nothing happens, nothing changes. Men get either drunk, depressed and violent, or even worse; drunk, depressed and violent. The inarticulate players cheat, dive onto the floor like broken flowers – injured beyond repair, and then jump up back to full health, their wounds miraculously cured, to argue with the referee. The managers shout and just look stressed, no-one makes any sense when they talk about it, there’s way too much money involved and it never ever ends. Football.

But we love it, yes we do. It’s the world’s number 1 sport…

This episode is included in the transcript collaboration. Click here to transcribe part of this episode using a Google doc.

James Simpson
James is an English actor, comedian and Sheffield United fan. He now lives in Paris, and is one of the voices behind The Paris Pod, which is a great podcast about the life of English ex-pats in Paris.

163. Skype Chat with My Brother / British Films

The return of James Thompson + some British film recommendations.

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Sometimes my listeners ask me “Where’s your brother, James?” It seems, for some mad reason, that you like listening to him. Well, in this episode he’s back! And he has some British films to recommend to you.

This is what happens in this episode:
– I call James on Skype, and commence a ‘trans-channel broadcast’, improving ‘Anglo-French discourse’.
– We discuss a pointless plan to go back in time in order to assassinate Hitler.
– We talk about James’s new year’s eve and his new year’s resolutions.
– James recommends some of his favourite British movies of all time!
– His mate Will arrives with a nice bottle of French wine, and immediately becomes famous in Colombia.

Get the episode transcript here 👇

163. Skype Chat with My Brother _ British Films TRANSCRIPT

(Some of) James’ Favourite British Movies of All Time
Here are some links and trailers for the films James mentioned.
1. Withnail & I
The IMDB page.
Trailer:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT5qhPoRS9g&w=500&h=375]
Full movie on YouTube:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yhq-8TrRlsM&w=500&h=281]
2. Dead Man’s Shoes
The IMDB page.
Trailer:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFi6FrAV9SE&w=500&h=281]
3. Shaun of the Dead
The IMDB page.
Trailer:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfBewQPFdKE&w=500&h=281]
Full movie on YouTube:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_IK4438vNA&w=500&h=375]
4. Hot Fuzz
The IMDB page.
Trailer:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NiQfvx_qrE&w=500&h=281]
5. The World’s End
The IMDB page.
Trailer:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQA7HcRcLNg&w=500&h=281]
6. The Ipcress File
The IMDB page.
Trailer:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QesO-BRvUAM&w=500&h=375]
7. Performance
The IMDB page.

162. Having Babies: Vocabulary / A Male Perspective

TRANSCRIPT AVAILABLE BELOW
This is a follow up to the previous episode in which I interviewed my friend Amber, who is pregnant. In this episode I explain some key vocabulary to you, and discuss the issue of childbirth from a man’s point of view.



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Transcript starts here:
Hi everyone, how are you doing? I hope you’re fine and that life is generally treating you well. All’s well here at Luke’s English Podcast. I just had some soup, which was nice. It was tomato soup.

The last episode I recorded was all about having babies – creating human life and all that stuff – which is a fascinating topic, if a little bit sensitive, intimate, personal and ultimately quite heavy. I mean – it’s not a light topic is it. It’s not like chatting about cooking recipies or golf or movies or something.

“Hi how are you? Haven’t seen you in a while. What have you been up to?”
“Oh not much, just working, watched the new Tolkein movie, had a baby”
“Oh yeah, how is the Hobbit?”
“That’s no way to talk about my child!”
“No, I mean the movie – The Hobbit! How was it? I don’t really care about your baby…”
“Oh, yeah, right, well The Hobbit was pretty good yeah, and the baby’s fine”

No, it’s a fairly heavy topic, but interesting nonetheless. Also, it’s just something that comes up now and again. When you meet a pregnant woman, you’ll undoubtably have to have the ‘pregnancy conversation’ and will you know all the relevant words and phrases?

In the last episode, I didn’t get through everything, and I didn’t say everything I wanted to say on this subject. I made a list of vocabulary, so I’ll be explaining that in this episode, but also I’d like to discuss the subject a little bit from the man’s perspective, and then you’re going to listen to comedian Louis CK talking about his experience of becoming a father, which is a pretty honest and frank personal account.

Why have I chosen to cover this topic in this episode? Am I going to have a baby myself? Am I pregnant? Well, I have put on weight, and I did feel a bit sick this morning, but I think that’s beer – not a baby. But seriously it’s just because I think it’s interesting. I’d like to have kids, not right now, I’m recording a podcast, but soon and so I’m curious about all this. I’m a grown up man (honestly), and I should be well informed about these things! Also I think this is a way to introduce you to lots of new vocabulary.

So, first, let’s go through the vocab. You will have heard Amber and me say some of these things in the previous episode. How many of these words do you know? Can you use them all in your conversations? Let’s see…

Vocabulary related to pregnancy

she’s pregnant
synonyms:
– she’s expecting
– she’s preggars
– she’s ‘with child’
– she’s up the duff (!)
-She’s got a bun in the oven (!)
-She’s knocked up (!)
a mum-to-be
conception / The baby was conceived
Scientific/Biological terms:
(egg)
(fertilise)
(sperm)
(embryo)
(foetus)
a pregnancy test
morning sickness
feeling a bit hormonal
hormones
anenatal = before birth
antenatal classes
an antenatal scan
kicking
to give birth / to have a baby
due – it’s due on 30 January
the due date
contractions
my water broke
to go into labour
the maternity ward
a midwife (midwifery)
to deliver the baby
an epidural
to give birth
the birth
the baby is born
a natural birth
the umbilical chord
the belly button / tummy button
the placenta
twins
identical twins
conjoined twins
triplets
nappies
the facts of life
the birds and the bees

More vocabulary: Some negative words & associations
abortion
pro-life
pro-choice
to induce labour
to be overdue
a caesarean or c-section
a miscarriage
to lose a baby
a premature birth
stretch marks
postnatal depression
baby blues

Comments and opinions on pregnancy, from the man’s point of view.
Pregnancy is a wonderful thing and all that. Imagine finding out that you’re going to be a Mum or a Dad. For the man I imagine it’s a complex feeling of pride, joy, protectiveness towards the woman, and total panic. Not for all men, but for some. It’s scary for the woman of course because she goes through all these physical changes and it can feel like there’s an alien inside her, but also because she’s facing the moment of childbirth – which must be very daunting because of the pain and the danger! Not to mention the pressure of then looking after the baby when it arrives. These fears are also accompanied by amazing joy I guess, but let’s face it – it’s also pretty scary.

But it can scare men quite a lot too. Obviously, it depends on the individual, and everyone’s different. But we often hear about men’s reactions to finding out that they’re going to be a dad. A lot of men are really proud and over them moon, which is great. But some men will freak out and run a mile at the mere mention of having kids. I’m sure you’ve experienced something like that. When you’re in a relationship, and perhaps (if you’re a girl) you bring up the subject of children, and your boyfriend just freaks out, avoids the question, gets defensive or perhaps just refuses to even talk about it. Guys, you know what I’m talking about, right? When that subject comes up, you just want to say “Woah there!” or just “Um, I’ve just realised that I’ve got to go… yeah, I’ve just remembered that I’ve got to leave, and, escape to… to somewhere else… I’ve got to go to Alaska, yes, because… because of salmon… there’s lots of samon that need to be caught and it’s very important because the world needs salmon, so bye!”

Why is this?

I’m not a Dad yet, so I don’t really have first hand experience. But I suppose this is a very big deal because a whole new responsibility has arrived, and we want to do it properly. So, it’s a change, and that’s a control issue. Suddenly the rules have changed and we feel a bit out of depth or something. Also we feel we are the providers, and so we want to make sure everything is provided for – money, security and so on. Men will often get a bit serious and look for more job security.

I’m talking about men’s reactions to having kids, but I realise that to an extent it’s a heavier burden for women – it must be a massive thing to do – to bring someone into the world, but then again I suppose the girls get the advantage of being able to create human life, which is pretty exceptional. They don’t do it alone though, hopefully the’ll have someone else with them.

Women immediately face the reality of pregnancy (although some deny it). But sometimes it takes a while for the news to sink in for a man. It can take more time – for example, it doesn’t sink in until they hear the heartbeat or see the sonogram of the baby, or even until birth in some cases!

Those are just my thoughts, and as I said – I’m not a dad yet, so I’m just speculating. I did do a quick google search and found 7 fears that men experience. This is from a website called babycenter.com. I would never normally search for this kind of thing. Maybe I’m subconcsiously gearing myself up for being a Dad. Who knows. Anyway, what are those 7 fears?http://www.babycenter.com/0_seven-fears-expectant-fathers-face_8247.bc?page=1

Security fears
The biggest fear men face is the one most deeply hardwired into our culture: Will I be able to protect and provide for my family?

Performance fears
More than 80 percent of the fathers I come across in my practice say they were worried they wouldn’t be able to perform when their partner was in labor. They were afraid of passing out, throwing up, or getting queasy in the presence of all those bodily fluids.

Paternity fears
About half the new and expectant dads I interviewed eventually came around to admitting they had fleeting thoughts that they weren’t really the baby’s father.

Mortality fears
When you’re a part of the beginning of a life, you can’t avoid thinking about the end of life. Thoughts about your own mortality can loom large: You’re not the youngest generation anymore, your replacement has arrived, and if everything works out right, you’ll die before your child dies.

Fear for your partner’s or child’s health
Childbirth is such a nerve-racking experience. Scary things can happen to the person you love most in the whole world.

Relationship fears
Men often fear that their partner will love the baby more than anyone on earth — and exclude them from that intimate relationship. It’s a very real fear of being replaced. 

Fears of “women’s medicine”
Men are not used to the ob-gyn establishment. It’s foreign, it’s cold, it’s something we don’t understand well. Even as observers, many men feel embarrassed and inhibited around stirrups and gynecological exams.

Fears of “women’s medicine”
Men are not used to the ob-gyn establishment. It’s foreign, it’s cold, it’s something we don’t understand well. Even as observers, many men feel embarrassed and inhibited around stirrups and gynecological exams.

Obstetrics and gynaecology (or obstetrics and gynecology; often abbreviated to OB/GYN, OBG, O&G or Obs & Gynae) are the two surgical–medical specialties dealing with the female reproductive organs in their pregnant and non-pregnant state, respectively, and as such are often combined to form a single medical specialty and postgraduate training programme.

Zdenek’s English Podcast – have a look here.

Transcript continues…
In the end though, although it is a bit overwhelming, it is also great because you get to see your child grow through all these important stages in their life (first words, first steps etc) and you get to re-live your childhood a little bit too.

Let’s hear from a real father expressing his experience in a really honest way. This is Louis CK talking about being a father. Who is Louis CK? Basically, he’s a really funny, in my opinion, comedian from the States…

First you’ll hear him defending himself against people who might assume he’s a bad father because they see him texting on his mobile phone while walking with his daughter. It looks like he’s not really giving her the proper amount of attention. But in fact, he’s a pretty good dad. He’s not perfect, but it seems his kids love him. He also talks about how he decided to be a good dad, and give it his best shot. So here it is, Louis CK talking about being a father:

A few days ago I was leaving a restaurant with my youngest daughter, and I was holding her hand, and I was texting with this hand. Yeah, I’m that guy. A woman walked by and she gave me a dirty look, like “Hmm you should pay more attention to your kid.”

Ok, guilty!

But I have something to say to that woman. This is why I’m able to spend time with my kids when I should be at work. It was noon on a Thursday, okay? I had a crazy amount of work to do, but my kid graduated from pre-school that day and I wanted to take her to lunch!

And it was a great lunch.

We sat at the same side of the table the way she likes. We shared a chicken cutlet. I ate some of her chicken cutlet. We looked at her drawings. She told me many stories about the chinchilla in the classroom.

And so now I’m texting and you walk by  “errr bad father!”

What do you know?!

OK, I’m being defensive, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been texting.

You know when my kids were younger. I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet until my legs fell asleep.

You want to know why your father spent so long in the toilet? Because he’s not sure he wants to be a father.

I felt like being a dad was taking away everything I wanted to be.

And I was right.

But so what? What’s so great about our lives? What the hell is an adult without kids, what’s the point? So I got off the toilet, I flushed down my personal dreams and I decided, I’m going to be a dad. I’m not going to be Mum’s assistant. That’s depressing, don’t do that if you’re a dad, just wait for her to write you a list, walk round the store staring at it and call her from the cereal isle to make sure you’ve got the right thing. Be a man! Make your own list. [Do we need any avocadoes?]

Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can’t dress and feed a four year old? Take it on. Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. Get into it. It won’t take away your manhood. It’ll give it to you.

I did that. I spent more time with my kids. I took it on.

I found out that I’m a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes. I don’t know what I’m doing, but my kids love me. Go figure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkMi_X-Hwgc

“Struggling to be a dad, and then facing up to it and taking on the challenge of being a dad.”

Thanks for listening. What are your thoughts and experiences on the subject? Leave your comments below.

 

161. She’s Having a Baby (with Amber Minogue)

Baby on Board! 2aka “A Cup of Tea with Amber Minogue”

LISTENER: Who’s having a baby? Is it your girlfriend?! WOW!!! CONGRATU…
LUKE: Wait! It’s not my girlfriend. It’s my friend, Amber.
LISTENER: Ah, I see! Well, congratulations to Amber then!
LUKE: Yes, congratulations Amber!


Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode of the podcast.

Click here to help write a transcript of this episode using a Google Doc.

SO, my friend Amber is having a baby soon, and I thought it would be interesting to interview her for the podcast. I wanted to know; what is it really like to be a pregnant English girl, and what should we say or do when we meet a pregnant woman? Listen to the episode to find out the answers, and to hear plenty of vocabulary on the topic of pregnancy and having a baby. You’ll see notes and a vocabulary list below. Happy listening!

Introduction

In this episode I’m going to talk to my friend Amber, who as well as being an interesting and lovely person, is also pregnant. In fact, she’s really pregnant because the baby is due in just a few weeks.

I’ve decided to interview Amber so that you can listen to her nice accent, but also so we can find out about what it’s really like to be a pregnant English girl, which I’m sure all of you have always wanted to know. I certainly have. The episode is going to go a bit like this:

First, we’ll get to know Amber a little bit. I’ll ask the usual questions like where she’s from and all that.

Then we’ll talk about being pregnant, and what that’s really like. Amber can tell us her experiences.

The episode is going to feature lots of vocabulary on the topic of having babies – not making babies (you’ll have to check the podcasts about slang, or swear words for that kind of fruity language) but the language of having a baby – being pregnant and giving birth. Hopefully we’ll keep it nice and clean and not too messy.

Lots of phrases and vocabulary will come up naturally in our conversation, but I have also made a list of vocabulary and expressions associated with pregnancy and having a baby.

So, finally we’ll go through that list of vocab and just explain it for you.

This could be a long episode, so I suggest you download it, & listen to it in stages, or just listen to it while you’re doing something else like travelling, doing the housework or just sitting on the sofa and staring into space. OK? So, let’s go!

Amber

Congratulations again!

How are you?

Where are you from?

What do you do?

How do we know each other?

Pregnancy

How did it happen? Hahaha etc (actually that’s a question that kids ask sometimes – where do babies come from?)

I can hardly imagine what it’s like, as a man, but if I imagine pretty hard… I still can’t picture how it feels. I have no idea really. It’s probably different for each woman.

What’s it like for you? (physically, but also mentally too)

What about people’s reactions? Do people give you their seat on the train? Anything else?

Have you taken advantage of your pregnancy in any way?

What advantages have you experienced?

Have you had any cravings?

Any morning sickness?

Is it a boy or a girl?

What are you looking forward to?

WHAT SHOULD WE SAY WHEN WE MEET A PREGNANT WOMAN?

Things you shouldn’t say or do…

Anything that makes her feel unattractive

“You look like you’re ready to burst!”

“Have you considered taking some exercise?”

Anything that makes her feel scared

“Get all the sleep you can now…” (because later you will get no sleep at all and it will be a nightmare)

“Enjoy ____ now while you can” (because afterwards you won’t be able to enjoy anything)

Questions about breastfeeding and nappies

Commenting on how much she ate – women are still women when they’re pregnant, and this is always a slightly offensive thing to talk about

“Oh wow, look at how much you ate! I guess you’re eating for 2 now…”

Anything that implies a mistake…

“Was that planned?”

Touching the woman’s belly – is this okay?

Things you should say or do when you meet a pregnant person

You look great

You’ll make a great mother (only if you know the person well)

This is going to be one lucky kid

It’s amazing news

Would you like to sit down? Please take my seat.

Let me get that for you.

Hey sit down, I’ll do that.

From the point of view of a man, meeting a pregnant woman

You’re supposed to say “congratulations” as soon as possible, but getting that wrong – misjudging when someone is pregnant or not – can be the worst social faux pas – so sometimes we’re a little bit ‘slow on the uptake’.

Similarly, giving your seat can be a little tricky. It’s the worst thing when you offer your seat to someone who turns out not to be pregnant. It should be obvious though – it really should. That might explain why guys don’t always jump up to let you sit down.

Some women in London actually wear a badge that says “baby on board” to make it completely clear, although I understand why some women might not want to wear one of them.

Not touching the woman’s belly. Women often get very tactile and touchy-feely when meeting another pregnant woman. Men are less likely to do it- perhaps because we’ve learned that you shouldn’t just dive in and put your hands on a woman without getting her okay first. Anyway, we’re probably not that interested in a baby unless it’s ours (and even then it’s no guarantee for some men – wow, some men are right bastards)

From the point of view of a man who’s girlfriend/wife is pregnant

I imagine it’s a complex feeling of pride & joy, protectiveness towards the woman, and total panic.

There’s some freaking out to be done. This is a very big deal because a whole new responsibility has arrived, and we want to do it properly. So, it’s a change. We feel we are the providers, and so we want to make sure everything is provided for – money, security and so on. Men will often get a bit serious and look for more job security.

Sometimes it takes a while for the news to sink in.

Women immediately face the reality of pregnancy (although some deny it). For men, it takes more time – for example, it doesn’t sink in until they hear the heartbeat or see the sonogram of the baby, or even until birth in some cases!

In the end though, although it is frightening, it is also great because you get to see your child grow through all these important stages in their life (first words, first steps etc) and you get to re-live your childhood a little bit too.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqsBuxC2g1k&w=500&h=281]

Transcript [Unfinished, work in progress]

EPISODE 161 [2:14] – [6.20]

[BEGINS FROM 00:01:43]

and in the end you will be totally clued up about all of the English that you need to know about this subject, which, I think you will agree, is a brilliant thing.

So finally, we will go through this list and that will be that.

This could be quite a long episode so, I would suggest that you download it. Listen to it in stages or listen to it while doing something else, like: travelling, doing housework or just sitting on a sofa and staring into space.

Let’s go!

Luke – Hello, Amber!

Amber – Hello, Luke!

Luke – Congratulations, again.

Amber – Thank you.

Luke – I don’t know if it is appropriate for me to say “Congratulation, again” at this stage.

Amber – You can.

Luke – Really?

Amber – Yep.

Luke – Is there a time limit on, you know, when you can say “congratulations” to a pregnant person?

Amber – I don’t think there is a time, really. I think, there is an appropriate number of congratulations.

Luke – …and do you know what that number is?

Amber – I think, one or two congratulations is fair enough and then, it is obvious you have forgotten. And then it just becomes rude.

Luke – I think, actually, the first time that I realised that you were pregnant, I didn’t say congratulations early enough. Did you realise? Did you notice that? You probably did.

Amber – Em, noooooooo.

Luke – No? Because, em, we will come to this in a minute. This is the subject knowing when to say “Congratulations” to someone who is pregnant. Anyway, so, it’s very nice to be here. I mean in your flat. You have given me a cup of tea, which is lovely. Thank you for that.

Amber – You’re welcome.

Luke – Now, first of all, so, how many months pregnant are you now, in fact?

Amber – I’m eight and half months pregnant.

Luke – Okay, alright. So, it is nearly due I suppose.

Amber – Very soon.

Luke – Okay, we will come to the pregnancy in a minute, but first of all, let’s talk about you. Amber? Yeah. Tell us a little bit about yourself. Where are you from, in fact?

Amber – I’m from London.

Luke – Okay, which part?

Amber – North-West London. Edgware

Luke – Oh, yeah. I know it. Well I know Edgware Road.

Amber – It’s not the same. It’s much further away.

Luke – Alright.

Amber – zone six

Luke – That’s quite far.

Amber – Technically London. It’s hanging on. Clinging, to the edge of London

Luke – Is there a Tube station for Edgware

Amber – Edgware

Luke – Okay.

Amber – It’s at the end of the Northern line.

Luke – I see. Okay.

Amber – at the very end.

Luke – Alright. There’s Edgware Road, and then there’s Edgware, and I expect people get them mixed up.

Amber – They do, but I don’t mind, because Edgware Road is actually, quite a lot nicer than Edgware

Luke – It’s quite posh, isn’t? Edgware Road

Amber – Yeah.

Luke – So, Edgware Road at the top of the Northern line.

Amber – Yeah.

Luke – … and you are living here in Paris now, how long have you been living here?

Amber – I’ve lived here 12 years.

Luke – Okay, alright. So,  you speak good French, I imagine?

160. The A to Z of Christmas

HO HO HO MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!
In this extra-special Christmas episode of the podcast I am joined by my good friend Raphael Miller. Together we go through an A to Z list of words associated with Christmas in England.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode.

255631_10150209021106947_6709581_nRaphael is an English teacher, a scouser (from Liverpool) and a graduate of Oxford University. He has appeared on Luke’s English Podcast before (in the Notting Hill Carnival video – click here to see it).

Below you can see the list of Christmas words that we refer to during this episode. As you can see it is extra Christmassy, and extra long! I hope listening to this puts you in the Christmas spirit. Enjoy!

The A to Z of Christmas
A – advent calenders, angels
B – bells, Bethlehem, Boxing Day, brandy butter, bread sauce
C – cards, carols, chimney, chocolate, Christians, Christ, church, cranberry sauce, crackers, charades, candles, Chrimbo, Christmas cake, Christmas pudding
D – dinner, decorations, Doctor Who
E – Ebeneezer Scrooge, elves
F – Father Christmas, frankincense, friends, football, fireplace
G – gifts, gold, gravy
H – holy, holidays, holly, hymns, hangovers
I – icicles, ivy
J – jingle bells, Jesus, Joseph
K – Kings (the three wise men)
L – list
M – manger, Merry Christmas, mistletoe, myrrh, mulled wine, mine pies
N – nativity, new year, Noel
O – office party
P – presents, put off doing your Christmas shopping until the last minute (hello Raph!)
Q – the Queen’s speech (not the Queen’s peach)
R – receipt, reindeers, robins
S – sales, Santa Claus, shopping, sleigh, sledge, star, snowman, stockings, stress, stuffing, songs, shepherds, secret santa
T – toys, tradition, turkey, tinsel, tree
U – unwrap
V – virgin Mary
W – wise men, wrapping, white Christmas
X – Xmas
Y – Yuletide
Z – zest, zesty

Merry Christmas, seasons greetings, all the best for the Christmas season and have a happy new year too. Cheers! Bye!

Luke

Doctor Who Episode – Language Analysis

doctor-who-50th-largeHello Luke’s English Podcast People, (LEPPers?)

Remember the podcast episode about Doctor Who from a few years ago? (Click here to listen) It featured a conversation with Lee Arnott, who is something of an expert on Doctor Who. He knows more about Doctor Who than most people in the whole universe.

Well, here is some language analysis by a very brilliant English teacher called Richard Gallen, who I used to work with in London. Richard analysed the conversation I had with Lee, and wrote the following text for you to read. You can use this analysis to learn more about descriptive language, and to understand in more detail the conversation I had with Lee about The Doctor.

If you’re a Doctor Who fan, you can use this as an excuse to get excited about the 50th Anniversary of Doctor Who which is coming soon (not to mention the arrival of the 12th Doctor, played by the brilliant Peter Capaldi).

If you’re not a Doctor Who fan (or interested in linguistics) then scroll down to the bottom of the  page. There’s a cat video for you to enjoy (I’m assuming you like cat videos. I mean, who doesn’t like cat videos?)

Cheers!

So, here is the language analysis by Richard Gallen:

Language Analysis

Lee and Luke explain Doctor Who – language for explaining and describing

Luke: Right, if you imagine somebody who’s never heard of Dr Who before, right, how can you explain who he really is. So, so, if, what are the most important things that you should know about Dr Who if you’ve never heard of him before, basically.

Lee: Well, Dr Who is, err, a TV show that it’s main character, a character called The Doctor, who is in fact an alien, has a machine that can travel through time and space, which means that he is able to go anywhere in any planet, any point in the future, the past, whenever.

Luke: Erm, what’s the name of that machine?

Lee: It’s called The Tardis.

Luke : And can you just describe The Tardis? That’s like his spaceship, yeah? Can you describe The Tardis for us? Because in Britain here, everybody knows The Tardis, like, almost everybody knows it. It’s very familiar to us. It’s almost like an icon of British culture. But what is The Tardis? What does it look like?

Lee: Well, The Tardis looks like a 1960s police box, and in the days before mobile telephones and actually people having telephones in their houses, these blue police boxes were like an old phone box, and they also had a double function in that if a criminal caught a policeman [if a policeman caught a criminal] they would be locked up inside this police box, and they also had a phone, so they were a very common object in 1960s Britain, early 1960s Britain when Dr Who started.

Extra information clauses

Describing a film or book can be a little difficult. It’s quite hard to keep people interested. That’s why when we introduce a character we sometimes say something interesting or exciting about them

a character called The Doctor, who is in fact an alien

..then there’s Princess Leia who is fact Luke’s sister

In 1988 she met this man called Greenleewho was in fact the top CIA agent in Bolivia at the time.

In the examples above ‘who’ refers to the noun before it (The Doctor/Princess Leia/ this man called Greenlee). In the example below ‘which means that’ doen’t only refer to the noun before, it refers to the whole clause before:

It’s a machine that can travel through time and space, which means that he is able to go anywhere in any planet, any point in the future, the past, whenever

The most common verb after ‘which’ in extra information clauses is ‘means’ .It often says something about the result of an event

I slept through my alarm clock which meant that I had to run like crazy for the train

Gilardino scored a goal very late in the match which meant that Italy qualified for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

In that..

When Lee was describing police boxes in England he said:

they had a double function in that if a policeman caught a criminal they would be locked up inside this police box

we use ‘in that’ when we think we could be more precise about something we’ve just said :  ‘in that’+example

He was quite reserved in many ways but he was also very sociable in that heliked entertaining,

It’s already old news (in that it was announced 6 hours ago…) but President Obama has been awarded the Nobel peace prize

The most common adjectives that come just before ‘in that’ are:

unique / unlucky / unusual/ fortunate

UNICEF is unique in that they are in countries, before, during and after emergency situations and humanitarian crises

Gordon Brown was unlucky, in that he became PM when we were on the edge of a disaster

She was fortunate, in that she had so much money she didn’t need to work

Like

‘Like’ is very common when we describe:

And can you just describe The TARDIS? That’s like his spaceship, yeah?

Luke is trying to explain what the TARDIS is…. But he can’t find exactly the right words. This is very common in conversation and when we describe things because it’s difficult to be precise all the time

As the examples below show, sometimes we are imprecise because we want to exaggerate. ‘Like’ is very common to introduce an exaggeration:

It’s [almost] like….. an icon of British culture

Because in Britain here, everybody knows The TARDIS, like, almost everybody knows it

Some other examples:

..and it was so good, it was like, one the best meals I ever had.

..and for a few months he was like, crazy about me, he was calling me and sending me flowers

Notice how we pause just after ‘like’ when we use it in this way

Other uses of  ‘like’

We use ‘like’ in questions to ask for a description:

But what is The TARDIS? What does it look like?

‘Like’ also means similar to:

These blue police boxes were like an old phone box

When ‘like’ means ‘similar to’ we use adverbs to make the comparison softer or stronger

a bit like /rather like /  (to soften)

just like /exactly / a lot like (to strengthen)

Horse surfing is a lot like surfing, just with horses

The currents in the sea were really strong and, for a minute, it is was almost like a huge monster was sucking me under

The following ‘sense’ verbs are common before ‘like’ when we use it in this way.

feel/ taste/ sound/ look/ smell

It felt like I had been waiting for hours but it was in fact only 20 minutes

He smelt like he hadn’t had a shower for weeks

She looks like she’s been crying

Now here’s that  cat video I promised you…
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IytNBm8WA1c&w=500&h=300]

Podcast Statistics 2012-2013

Podcast Stats

Click the link above that says Podcast Stats and you can read statistics for downloads of Luke’s English Podcast.

You can find out:

  • The number of downloads per day.
  • The top countries where the podcast is downloaded
  • The most popular episodes of the year
  • The total number of downloads per year (over 1.2 million!)

    Thanks for listening ;)

Old Comments Box Archive

I’ve just removed the comments box from the sidebar of Luke’s English Podcast but I didn’t want to lose all the comments that people had left, so here are all the comments as an archive.

unnimoonali2 months ago
how can i log in?
Respond·More…

jawaid2 months ago
Its wonderful podcast to improve English>

Anonymous2 months ago
Hello,
I’m a learner of English. Thanks a lot for devoting so much time to the podcasts. Each episode engages my interest and helps improve my English, with lots of useful and commonly used vocab and expressions. I’ve discovered that the more I learn English, the more I find native English speakers brilliant and prodigious!!!
Cheers

Anonymous3 months ago
Video games are a huge industry. I don’t dislike them, but Ii is desesperating to be in front of a screen trying to win a game trying to compete with an amazing machine. They are pdesigned to give more and more!!! Nice pods!Congratulations!!!

Anonymous3 months ago
Hi Teacher Luke,
How’s it going? I enjoy listening to your podcasts very much and I find it invaluable. Actually I’ve got a question to consult you. I wanna ask if you (personally and as a native English speaker) omit the vowels of some words when you’re speaking very fast? e.g. the word ‘university’, do you pronounce it ‘u-ni-ver-si-ty’ or ‘u-ni-ver-s-ty’ (omitting the vowel ‘i’)? Or another e.g. the word ‘duplicitous’, do you pronounce it ‘du-pli-ci-tous’ or ‘du-plis-tous’? (omitting the vowel ‘i’)

Cheers

Anonymous3 months ago
Hello Luke,

I always enjoy your podcasts.

I listened to your latest podcast “126. Your Emails, Comments and Questions” and found that a Japanese commented that he or she couldn’t make donation using PayPal due to Japanese law.

I tried to donate using PayPal just now and I could do it without any trouble. I just clicked the “Donate” button in this site and login to PayPal. It was very easy.

Best regards,
Hiroshi

luke teachera year ago
Competition Results:
Winner: Camila from Brazil
Runners-Up: Kiyomi from Japan and Kirill from
Belarus.
Congratulations to the winners. Commiserations to
people who took part but didn’t win. Thanks for votes.
L :)

Anonymous11 months ago
commiseration or comiseration?

Luke9 months ago
Comiseration is the correct one.
Thanks for the correction.
3 gold stars to you ;)

rikman7 months ago
Sorry to interrupt Luke
but what does mean
runner-up ? Please explain
it for me in simply words.
In my view we can talk
about person is better than
another competitiors but
not winner.
We rewarded the people
for their efforts and good
results. Am I right ? :)

luke teacher7 months ago
Runner up means someone who didn’t win, but got 2nd or 3rd place. The winner and 2 runners up won dictionaries, which they have received by post!

Anonymous3 months ago
Thanks a lot Luke for your explanation. Yet, I have one question to you. Could you tell me how we should read the year 1010 or for example 2010 ? I don’t know which form is correct: ten ten or one/a thousand (and) ten. Cognately we read the 2010 as twenty ten or two thousand (and) ten ? I’ll be thankful for your help.

PS. I like very much your video podcasts. The video presentation entitled “Say: I like it” is my favourite ! I’d like to have more this type of videos. In my opinion it’s wonderful way to improve our English skills.

Hispanomexicano5 months ago
please reply me in order to know you read it :D hahhaha
happy new year 2013!! a new ear indeed
2013= 0,1,2,3… :D

luke teacher4 months ago
Hi, I read your comment and hope to reply fully soon.
Cheers!

Anonymous4 months ago
Oh my goodness!! they are funny conversations!!!

vidurangae5 months ago
I’ve been listening to your podcast & thought you might be able to help me with something. I’m a final year med student from South Asia trying to learn Manchester accent in my leisure time simply because i love it. Would you mind helping me with providing some sources that I could use in my accent training? Thank you.

Hispanomexicano5 months ago
Luke!! what’s up! I really like your accent I have
heard some English accents and they’re not the
most understandable for me lol no offense :) by the
way the episodes 120-121 were definitely awesome
why don’t you do the Australian, Canadian version?
I live in the Mayan land and nothing happened the 21 december hahaha God bless please performe American English
to have fun!

Anonymous6 months ago
What happened to the episode 119?

luke teacher6 months ago
Technical difficulties… but it’s there now!

Ning7 months ago
I just learned from your podcast that you were doing cultural studies for your university degree. I’m going to join the same program in the UK next year. As a foreigner, I was a bit worried about whether or not I could pick up British cultures as soon as possible, so any tips besides listening to your podcasts? LOL

Luke7 months ago
Listen to BBC Radio 4. It’s full of cultural
information and it’s good for your English
too. http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/

nounou8 months ago
hello,luke!how are u doing?i am ABDENOUR from Algeria and I am a regular listener of your podcasts.in fact I do listen to them almost everyday.yet,it’s been a long time since u haven’t recorded a podcast;we do miss your qualitative and educative podcasts really!luke,can I ask you afavour? i would really like it if u record some podcasts on british culture.that would be a mind-boggling thing really..to let u know,my realm of study is English-that’s why I would love it if u do record some podcasts about the subject asked for above since it is far ahead different to learn things from a native speaker than from other resources,though I believe not all native speakers are like yourself.glad to be a listener of your podcasts.keep up mate.you are doing a great job.
All the best
nounou

hassan9 months ago
it’s amazing efforts,thank you.

Gabor10 months ago
Yes. Hearing a conversation presented by drunk people sounds interesting

klaa year ago
Who won??? (Im at work and cant check it out myself). Tell me, pls.

luke teachera year ago
VOTING IN THE COMPETITION IS NOW CLOSED.
I WILL PUBLISH THE RESULTS SOON.
ONLY VOTES MADE IN THE COMMENTS
SECTION FOR COMPETITION EPISODES
ARE VALID. Sorry, those were the rules.
EXPECT A WINNER TO BE ANNOUNCED SOON!
GOOD LUCK ;)

nima.1988a year ago
i vote for romina adel .

nimaa year ago
fantastic job ! – i vote for romina adel .

kláraa year ago
Hi teacher Luke, I just listened to the very first podcast and it’s a bit strange, because I’ve been listening to your podcasts quite long time… Hope you’re doing well, and thanks for your podcasts :) Klara

Camilaa year ago
Teacher Luke what means ” Live life on the edge” ? That’s a stupid question, I know… I have an idea but I’m not sure of what it means. : ) Thanks in advice.

Barbara, Italya year ago
Thank you very much, Luke, for these helpful podcasts, and mostly for the passion and professionality you put in doing them, which are very important qualites.
My best wishes to achieve the success you deserve.
Bye!

Adelaa year ago
I vote for Regina from Russia. :)

elisaa year ago
The whole competition has been hilarious ! Although it was really odd experience to record your own voice at the same time it was liberating:)
I made many mistakes but I decided not to correct them… what is done is done.
And then, I was over the moon when Sergei wrote that “I sounded like BBC news programs” …You must be kidding.. anyway thanks! Heartfelt thanks to Romain and Hiroshi :) The competition ends on 16 May, so Your votes are already my gift.. because the 16 May is my birthday :)
I wish you all the best, elisa
And You Luke, You are the best, really!

Hiroshia year ago
I vote for Elisa from Finland

Myselfa year ago
Very nice your radio show : ) The songs are great and seems like you used to do that for long time. I’m pleased you making a personal project. But please, don’t forget your listeners from Luke’s English Podcast! Haha. I’m joking. Go for it!

Catarina Marciaa year ago
Teacher Luke, I’m addicted to your podcast. I can’t stop listening.I hope you become rich and famous through this podcast. You deserve it.

Claudia, Germanya year ago
I vote for Regina from Russia.

jta year ago
great!
i vote for Ewelina from poland

Camilaa year ago
Hello teacher Luke, Camila here. Thanks for you feedback. I forgot to mention Mr. Bean when I talked about tv series. I grown up watching it. It’s very famous here. : )

Lukea year ago
Hmm… I seem to be having some problems with
the appearance of this page. The right side is cut
off. Is anyone else having problems seeing the
whole page?

xue shena year ago
Hi Luke. Thanks a lot for your contribution.I come from Mainland of China and i living in Australia now. Although I am a student but i donated my saving moeny from my work. I will continue to my donation to help you make this websithe better. Thanks.

luke teachera year ago
Thank you so much for your contribution.

Lukea year ago
Thanks very much for your competition entries. So far I have received quite a lot of audio ones and a couple of written ones. If you are thinking about sending me something, don’t be shy – just give it a try!

ewelinaa year ago
People jog/run because they want to be able to get away when the zombies come. Slow people will get eaten first and the runners may even survive the zombie attack :P

Lukea year ago
It’s not just running that will save you from zombies. Eventually you will end up stuck in a building surrounded by them and running won’t help you then, only a blunt instrument of some kind and hopefully a helicopter.

ewelinaa year ago
if you’re fit enough to get to the closest supermarket where you’ve got plenty of food to survive ages, it can actually save your life. i think so, but i guess we have to wait and see.

Lukea year ago
All it takes is one zombie to break into the back of the supermarket and bite one lazy member of your group, who then keeps it secret because he has too much pride and then before you know it you have a surprise dead-head in your group and he’ll take you all down to zombie town before the end of the day. It doesn’t matter how many boxes of corn flakes you have then. What you need is weapons. Find a gun shop or weapons cache, stock up and find a secure place like a bunker or a castle or something (or a decent pub with big wooden doors) and just wait as long as possible until the government (who are responsible for all this shit in the first place) clean it all up with some kind of anti-zombie gas or something, or a special-ops swat team. Job done.

ewelinaa year ago
you can use all the things u can find at tesco’s (well, at least at the polish tesco’s) like lawnmowers to kill some of the zombies, and to barricade all the doors, windows and other stategic places, and there’s also tonnes of ketchup (i recommend pudliszki) which u can use to distract the zombies, it’s red so they could take it for blood, you never know, and while they r discracted you can use the back door to try n find some other place to hide. there’s no point waitin for the polish government to sort out the situation, coz they r not able to make sensible decisions in advance (the preparation for Euro 2012) let alone in some kind of emergency situations.

samukaa year ago
Hello Luke. Just an idea… We could analyze the match from the perspective bellow. For instance, you would read each minute and comment them… Cheers
HALF TIME

8 min Drogba collects a short pass in his own half from Romeu and charges forward, which gets Stamford Bridge roaring. He lays it off to Mata on the left, and Chelsea have four on three, albeit with them all over on the other side of the pitch. Mata tries an early ball towards Sturridge, but it’s well off target and Clichy collects it calmly.

7 min Balotelli and Augero swap roles from the goal, with the Italian picking up the ball on the right and looking for the Argentine in the middle of Chelsea’s high line. Terry and Bosingwa crowd him out on this occasion, but that was very close to being another one-on-one against Cech for City.

5 min Sloppy opening period here, don’t think either side has had more than four consecutive passes in a row. Ray Wilkins nots that Chelsea appear to have reverted to their high-line, early pressure approach. Which probably explains why they conceded that potentially catastrophic goal.

2 min GOAL!! Chelsea 0 Man City 1 (Balotelli)
Great work from Sergio Aguero, who picks up the ball wide on the right, and quite deep, having drawn Terry out with him from central defence. He turns inside, accelerates and plays the ball just in front of Balotelli who’s off Ivanovic’s shoulder in a moment and one-on-one against the exposed Cech. Ivanovic dangerously slides in on him from behind in the box but Balotelli stays on his feet, rounds Cech, and finishes from a tight angle into the empty net.

1 min City get us started. It’s absolutely teeming it down at Staford Bridge.

Lukea year ago
Good idea. There’s TONNES of language in those first 8 minutes alone. it could be another 90min podcast.

samukaa year ago
That’s it Luke. It will be fantastic… Deadly addicted to your podcasts.. they’re amazing… Just listening the “Mind the gap” Lads are very funny… Way to go!!!!

samukaa year ago
Hello Luke…
Great podcast. May I suggest one podcast about Premier League. We have exciting things to talk about that, don’t we? some polemic involving Carlos Tevez from the Blues, L Soares from Liverpool and the Red Evils etc… Cheers. Sammy

Lukea year ago
Yes, good idea. I’ve had quite a few messages from people who’d like a podcast (or two) about football. I need to get together with a couple of football loving mates and have a big chat I think. Watch this space.

ewelinaa year ago
hey, i’ve listen to the whole random episode and i think you really deserve the holiday ;) n i deserve a medal coz i managed to listen to it lol

Lukea year ago
Please send me your mp3s at luketeacher@hotmail.com

milaa year ago
Hi, it’s me again. I’ve just come across an American website for English learners. I contains real natural phrases you can use on everyday basis. But I’m not sure if i can really rely on it… I mean, at this moment my goal is to learn British English in order to get by in the UK, and I’m afraid that those phrases are too “American”. Could you give it a look? The address is www.phrasemix.com . I would just like to know if these expressions are common in the UK.

Regards,
mila

Lukea year ago
Phrasemix is a good site as far as I can see. It is American English but most of the phrases I saw on the site would be fine in British English too. It looks good.

milaa year ago
Many thanks.

Anonymousa year ago
Hi teacher Luke. Just wanted to tell you I was going today on pavement, listenning to the podcast about Learning to playing the drums, step by step in those rythms, and sometimes laughed loudly :) It was really funny! People must have thought I´m a bit crazy :DD Bye, Klára

luke teachera year ago
Hello to my listeners from Japan. I miss Yokohama. When I think about that place I think “Ah, Nihon natsukashii”

Shina year ago
Come back to Japan, mate!

milaa year ago
OMG, three brand new podcasts. You rock! :-)

Camilaa year ago
Heey!! I just want to say HELLO! THE GREAT LUKE!!!

ewelinaa year ago
hey,
could you do a podcast episode about St. Patrick’s Day?
cheers in advance.

Camilaa year ago
Hey teacher Luke! The podcast about Criminal Law it’s amazing! Very interesting! Thank you very much!

alexandraa year ago
Hi Luke,
Thank you for such a great podcast ! I’m in London since April 2011 and my English is still bad ! :( I’m trying to improve it by listening your podcast, study grammar, reading, watching Tele, speaking with people, sometimes I’m going to Cinema. Soon will go for Comedy ! Maybe I will see you !

I love your British Accent and I must say you’re amazing ! Teacher, comedian, singer, drum player ! Well done !

Cheers,

Alexandra from Romania

Anonymousa year ago
Thank you so much, you have really made me forget about American accent that I switched to some years ago, and get back to the British one, I love it.

nabela year ago
totally love this site..I do love English, but my English is not that good..after all, I am a learner..:)

Luke Teachera year ago
Hello everyone. Thanks for visiting the site. Please leave your comments here!
Luke

nabela year ago
Thank God, I found your site..this is very helpful for me as I am taking English course..:D

Camilaa year ago
Hey teacher Luke. I found this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tENkiKyZolY It’s man speaking with british accent ( he’s not native ) what do you think about it?

Camilaa year ago
Hello teacher Luke I enjoyed a lot your podcast about british accents. I was really surprised after that because I didn’t know that Britain could have so many differents sorts of accents. Very interisting. My favourite one is the London accent. Awesome!! Thank you.

Japana year ago
We love Luke’s English Podcast!!! Go Luke!!!

Polanda year ago
Hello Luke!
Today I had a presentation about how to learn English effectively. I had a whole 3 min about your blog and everybody liked it. I hope that some of my classmates will check up this site and be one of the fans of your blog;)thanks for doing it!

Lukea year ago
Thanks for that!

luke teachera year ago
Another episode should be available on Saturday. Watch this space.

milaa year ago
Could you record some more podcasts about social English used in everyday life, please? I mean a set of expressions which are useful, but generally unknown to English learners. I’m probably going to go to the UK in a month or two and I’m really anxious that I won’t be able to buy a train ticket or order food cause nobody will understand me :( All expressions I know are quite formal and I’m not even sure if they are used (e.g. “how do you do” still taught in Polish schools).
PS. If u can’t/don’t want to/don’t have time to prepair such a podcast, could u at least provide some links to such expressions? I know “How to…?” series by BBC, but it still isn’t enough.
I’m sorry for being so pushy, but I’m quite desperate.

Lukea year ago
I’ll do what I can Mila. I’m quite a busy guy so I don’t know when I’ll have a chance to do more podcasts about social English but I will be thinking about it. In the meantime I will look at some other websites for you. Damn, I am a good man… Luke

milaa year ago
Thank you so much!!! Cheers.
mila

Evgeniyaa year ago
Are you a teacher at The London school of English?))
If so I took courses there 5 times!

I have came across this site by accident and I can say I like it!
I have been learning English constantly for 6 years. My final goal – to be a fluent speaker.
I love English and London.
I find your site very helpful for me, will wait your new podcasts.

Lukea year ago
Yes, I’ve been teaching at The London School of English for the last 6 years.

Kláraa year ago
Are you sure you want everyone to leave a note when he is on this site? I don´t know how long would you be interested, because there are many of us :) By the way I really like this site, Klára

Lukea year ago
Yes I don’t mind. I like seeing people’s responses, as long as they’re not abusive or anything. It’s nice to hear from my listeners. Luke

Matsua year ago
Hi Luke.May I want to know what are you and your brother think about ACTA? In my country (Poland) it’s very popular and controversional subject. In my opinion it’s global problem.

Pilara year ago
Hi dude! Today while having our “holly” sunday roast in the pub and talking about your brilliant website, we just have started practising our swearing in English not realizing that everyone was staring at our table in amazement … ooops! There is not a single day when you don’t crop up in our conversations. Sweet. If you ever come to Norwich don’t forget to visit your fan club. Lots of regards! Pilar

Anonymousa year ago
Everyone’s looking at my page today, and the first thing they see is an episode about swearing. It’s not usually this rude to be honest.

silvinaa year ago
I loved it! ;)

nausikaaa year ago
Ha, ha, ha what a shame!! Certainly, I wouldn’t like a podcast about Mary Poppins. Please teacher, don’t regret(stolen from French )
Edith Piaf – Non, je ne regrette rien (Officiel) [Live Version] – YouTube

silvinaa year ago
Lovely material, Luke!!! Keep it up! I enjoy every one of your podcasts. Have a nice weekend!!! Silvina from Buenos Aires, ARGENTINA

luke teachera year ago
Expect another podcast episode in the next few days! I’m just enjoying glory of victory at the moment, and catching up on all my housework.

Dannya year ago
You are the champion my friend, and you’ll keep on fighting till the end, you are the champion, you are the champion. No time for losers.’cause you are the champion of the world.

luke teachera year ago
…enjoying the glory of victory…

Blondiea year ago
The sticker rocks !!!

luke teachera year ago
Just one day left in the competition, it actually looks like Luke’s English Podcast is going to win!
You can still vote here: CLICK HERE TO VOTE

nausikaaa year ago
It smells like victory!!
Oh Jesus-Christ, what a thrill! 1522votes!!
Here comes our commercial break, quite old fashion…
Gin Fockink – YouTube

Vote for the winner!!
(I don’t know what actually I mean, do I?)

luke teachera year ago
GIN GIN GIN – FOCKING! -NICE!

Bettinaa year ago
You certainly will win! I hope you’ll celebrate the victory. I’m so glad that so many listeners voted for you. After all, you’re the best,right?

Blondiea year ago
You’re clearly the best !

Lukea year ago
I WON THE FREAKIN COMPETITION!!!!

nausikaaa year ago
Hip, Hip, Hurrah!

ula(PL)a year ago
Congratulations!! I knew you will win:)

nausikaaa year ago
QUEEN – WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS LYRICS and VIDEO
We are the champions – my friends
And we’ll keep on fighting – till the end –
We are the champions –
We are the champions
No time for losers
‘Cause we are the champions – of the world –

luke teachera year ago
Ha ha, love it

Waltera year ago
Hey Luke, you’re doing a fantastic job. I simply enjoy listening to you. It’s such a convenient way to learn English. And your sarcasm is exactly what I’ve been looking for in an english podcast.

Alimaa year ago
I think these comments from such a frustrating person will actually help you Luke ! We’re even more to vote to express our support for you ! Continue doing your podcasts, they’re great !

xxxa year ago
COME ON LUKE !!!
You’re gonna win because you deserve it !!!!!!!

Anonymousa year ago
evidence-web stats don’t add up.including facebook,twitter. blogs with way more subscribers and hits don’t get as many votes.
2)your votes come in waves-are you seriously telling me that over 200 people voted for you in an hour.
3)there are websites on the other sectiion with 50,000 hits a day who don’t have that many votes in over 6 weeks.
btw-i’m not in the competition,i just voted for one blog then went back to see who was winning and yes i have listened to the podcasts along with the 200 odd subscrbers . not over a 1000 comments are there.?
If it’s that important to you then good luck,i along with some peoplewho are in the competition also know it’s a tainted victory.
final question,if it’s that popular,how come it took so long to be nominated.?

luke teachera year ago
I really should be asleep because I’m teaching tomorrow, but I just couldn’t help responding again!
Just a few things.
1. If my web stats don’t add up, then tell me – of these websites getting 50,000+ hits a day, why the hell can’t they get more than 1000 votes in 6 weeks? Come on John! These figures just don’t add up!
2. Yes, I think it’s reasonable to say that over 200 people voted for me in an hour. Perhaps in the hour just after I publish a podcast when thousands of people listen to me saying “Please go out and vote for my podcast!” – it only takes a percentage of them to go and do it.
3. I have about 280 followers on podomatic, a small number, but I have many more on iTunes. Podomatic is a hassle to subscribe to, and as a listener it’s unnecessary. So not many people do it. However, for owners of apple products, subscribing to iTunes is standard. I imagine most of my listeners have subscribed via iTunes. I can’t tell you why I don’t get many comments on my page, but after all it is an audio podcast so people tend to listen to it away from the computer.
4. I’ve been obsessively promoting my podcast and encouraging my listeners to vote. That could account for all the votes I’ve got. That’s hardly cheating. Who knows, maybe I’ve peaked now and no-one will vote for me this week. Perhaps Film English will get the award. It is a really good website, and they’ve won lots of awards before. They don’t seem to be promoting the competition very much though.

In the end it’s just a competition to win a dictionary!

alexa year ago
Luke, I think he has a lot of free time and he enjoys teasing you. It’s not worth answering to this crazy guy. Just make more podcasts, they are great!

Alicjaa year ago
That’s right! I’ve subscribed via iTunes!! Your Podcasts are great. I love them. I’m sure that many people feel the same way as I do. Hope you’ll win!!!
Ps. Can I donate using Google Checkout?

Lukea year ago
I don’t know how you can donate using Google Checkout at the moment, so just PayPal I’m afraid…

luke teachera year ago
Could you send me your email address? I’d rather conduct this conversation privately please.
Your guess is as good as mine regarding the statistics. I know my facebook page has fewer subscribers than others, and I have fewer twitter followers, etc. According to podomatic though I get something like 40,000 downloads each month. That’s what they tell me. Isn’t it possible that after I publish a podcast episode in which I ask people to vote for me that some of them vote in the same hour?
But really, I can’t account for the number of votes I’m getting. I’m also surprised by the numbers, and I’m just pleased about it. And I assure you I’m no internet hacker who is capable of breaking into Macmillan’s voting system in order to win a dictionary, if that is what you’re suggesting. Believe it or not, I’m just happy to have been voted for and I hope I win the award. It makes me sad that in your eyes it’s a tainted victory. Please, do send me an email if you’d like to respond: luketeacher@hotmail.com Thanks.

PFa year ago
Dear John,

If you were well informed which is clearly not the case, you would know that it’s a listener who nominated Luke for the award (cf. Facebook)
Do you seriously suggest Luke hacked Macmillan website or what ?
I asked all my facebook friends to vote for Luke’s blog and I know other people who also did it. Yes Facebook is frequented by million people so 200 votes in an hour are nothing.
Just to clear your mind, I’m gonna be very logical : Luke did a podcast about voting/polls/US elections + another one about swearing and he asked his listeners to vote for him if they liked the podcast.
Is promoting your work through it an act of cheating ?
His podcast is available on iTunes so it means, each person who subscribed has the new episode automatically when one’s plugs his iPhone for instance.
Of course, when we start listening to the podcast, the 1st thing we do is voting ! And we’re thousands to be fan.
No cheat.
It’s pure defamation and it’s sad you taint the competition with such allegations.
The victory will go to the best : Luke (I hope) or another one.

Good night

Bettinaa year ago
You’re just jealous and envious ! Poor guy ! Your nasty anonymous comment doesn’t even merit to discuss. Listeners love Luke’s podcast, that’s a fact and I hope he’ll win the dictionary. He deserves way more than 200 votes per hour !

Andya year ago
John,

I think you are the one who overdid it by posting your comments here.

I listen to Luke’s podcast every now and then, and I listen online. I don’t download it, I don’t subscribe to it, but I like it. I’m sure there are many others who do the same, so your point about comments and subscribers doesn’t really make any sense.

Luke produces this podcast in his own time as a hobby to help others learn English. Like many of the nominees, I’m fairly certain he doesn’t get paid to do it either. There are a lot of people who really appreciate his efforts, yet you feel that it’s appropriate to come on here and accuse him of cheating.

Fortunately your comments reflect poorly on just one person, and that person is you.

Claudiaa year ago
Hello,

I just felt that I had to write something in support of Luke’s fantastic English podcast as I can’t believe how bitter your messages are. I voted for Luke’s podcast because I think it’s brilliant and as a language teacher I know that my students love it too. I listen to it and I’m not subscribed to it on here. I’ve had students independently recommend it to me and had to tell them that they are preaching to the converted. People just really enjoy it. So it is absolutely no surprise to me that Luke’s podcast is smashing it and I think you, John, should focus more on just listening to podcasts rather than getting freakishly hung up on twitter stats!

Go Luke and Good day to you sir.

¿¿a year ago
Mr. ?? You are a clear example of mosca cojonera. I’m afraid there is not translation in English. Major Pita?

hexaa year ago
Luke is a brilliant teacher. I’m not a subscriber or a twitter follower, and not interested to make comments. Only here for studying. The evidence is just his personality which shows itself throught his works. Friendly, spontaneous, professional, lively, articulate, with exciting subjects. I’m not surprised of his podcast’s popularity at all. Go on Luke!!!

johna year ago
Cheat,all this just to a win a dictionary,Macmillan are aware of what you are up to,can’t wait to see your comments when they disqualify you. 1,000 votes in over a week,you overdid it.

Blondiea year ago
John, are you in the competition ? Frustated by the fact you’re gonna loose ?
If one day you do more than 80 podcasts with more than 20,000 worldwide dowloads a month one, I think you’ll be legitimate to raise your voice.
But accusing someone who’s dedicated to a voluntary work and passionnate about what he’s doing is really low.
Do you know the concept of “having fans” ? Apparently not.
More than 1100 votes in few days is just the expression of our gratefulness for Luke.
Think about it.

B

eliza_chana year ago
Yes, that’s the truth. I’m your fan and I really enjoy your podcasts. I’m learning a lot with them. Thanks a lot for everything and I hope you can win this competition.

nermina year ago
What’s your problem? You haven’t listened to his podcasts have you? Lots of people enjoy listening to his podcasts and lots of people learn a lot from it….so can’t wait to see your comment when Luke wins the award he deserves…if someone gets 1,000 votes in over a week this only proves that people appreciate his work…

luke teachera year ago
I think it’s uunfair that you’re accusing me of cheating John. Where’s your evidence? I have lots of listeners, and I work hard to make the podcast popular. Also, it’s not just for a dictionary, it’s also for the award itself.

Russiaa year ago
Hi Luke, thank you a lot for your job, I think you should get this Macmillan Dictionary “Love English” Awards 2011! I’m sure you win. My vote was definitaly for you man!

luke teachera year ago
Hi everyone – this is the new comments box.
Please leave your comments here. Thanks!
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Brazila year ago
Hi Luke. I’m Camila, I live in Brazil and I’ve been studying english for 3 years. Here almost all of the english courses teach the american accent. I enjoy a lot to visit your website because I always wanted to learn the british accent and I think I’m much better. Thank you very much for helping people to learn your language.

Lukea year ago
Please vote!
CLICK HERE

125. The Pink Gorilla Story

An improvised funny story about an encounter with a massive pink animal. Transcript available below.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download.
Listen to Luke tell you a rather bizarre story about an adventure involving a pink gorilla and a number of other characters. I recommend that you listen to the story several times as a way of enjoying and understanding it more. There is a full transcript to this episode below.

In this episode I decided to improvise a story. To improvise something means to just make it up on the spot, without planning or preparing in advance. It is quite challenging and fun for me to improvise stories like this. I hope you enjoy it and realise that it is great listening practice for you.

Do you Want to skip the introduction?

The story begins after 15mins. There is a long, rambling introduction and then the story begins at 16:20

I use a variety of expressions, accents and verb forms in the episode. As you listen, try to spot some English which might be useful for you.

***There is some SWEARING in the story. I apologise if you find that offensive. You should remember that swearing (using rude words) is VERY RUDE in the WRONG SITUATIONS! Don’t swear in English class, in job interviews, in front of priests, when you are in polite company or if you meet the Queen, etc. Swearing is ok with your close friends, in private or when you’re playing football. Aaaaalright? ;)

I hope you enjoy the story. Speak to you soon. Bye bye bye! (TRANSCRIPT BELOW)

Language Extracts with Vocabulary (thanks to Jack) – TRANSCRIPT BELOW THIS LIST

Maybe it causes a rift in space time continuum.
Have you just woken up?
Get a grip !
I’d like to book a table for two please.
I’d like it to book a table for tomorrow evening.
That’s why now I can’t get my head together !
I’ll go to Burger King, nevermind !
We do burgers here.
You are incapable of dealing with the booking so I’m leaving.
To turn up
Lets say the police overheard you talking about puppies.
Can I make an inquiry as to the nature of this rendezvous?
I think you’ll find that that contravenes section 134 of the puppies act.
I’m going to have to put you under arrest.
Police are going to take them away.
It is kind of random bollocks.
In the light of the fact that I won this competition.
…..Academic director, Publishing director, who is checking out the public blog.
Let’s see some of the pedagogical techniques that he’s using in his podcast.
What new approaches to teaching methodologies are being used.
Maybe this is a new revolutionary method of teaching English as a foreign language.
Just sort of stream of consciousness – English jazz cakes.
One of the objectives….
The ‘Rotary sushi bar of English’….
It doesn’t mean that I can just give up my day job.
I still have to try and find windows of time in my otherwise busy life.
That’s kind of a bit of justification……
Improvised
I’m making it up as I go along.
I’ve been speaking for the last 15 mins.
I’m going to try and throw in some characters into the story.
It’s just completely made up (story)
I hit some hard times.
Can I have a word with you?
We are going to have to let you go.
Give them regular feedback
A general rule of thumb
I was devastated
It’s been a pleasure teaching you.
I’ve been fired.
How? On foot probably.
The Mafia
Gangsters
Screw this guy!
Moving one foot in front of the other.
Subtle movements…..
The corner of the Oxford Street.
London’s famous attractions.
I couldn’t afford to visit.
Walked along the street.
As far as I know, you can’t really eat anything with your eyes.
Mushrooms
Spaghetti
Walk out of the supermarket.
Nothing to see here.
Until eventually I was desperate.
I would sit on the streets.
Can you spare me 10p governor, for a cup of tea ?
May be a chimney sweep?
He had a monocle
He came up to me
He approached me.
You seem desperate and tired.
I think it’s good to be on first name terms with homeless people.
Come with me to my mansion.
Don’t misunderstand Luke.
Maybe we should introduce ourselves and get acquainted.
I wasn’t being rude.
Swear words.
Rude, aggressive communicative styles.
I was just adapting my teaching style for my class.
Moustache, monocle and a hat.
It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
I’m a collector of rare endangered animal species.
Let’s get in the taxi and let me show you my hairy animals.
Put your seatbelt on please.
Big mansion in north London, strap in !
I’ve been eating bananas….
We went past various sites in London.
As we drove past…..
I overhead all of this
This is a momentous moment in history.
I thought I didn’t have a chance.
We walked in the back of the studio…..
You must make two promises to me. Two promises which you must keep.
I can’t emphasize this point more seriously.
To be honest, I’m already getting curious about the animal at the end of the corridor.
Yes, I’m positive.
Are you certain?
Let’s move on with the story.
Leopard with no spots – I think it was a puma.
Zebra
Duck with a round head with no beak on the end.
What on earth could be behind this curtain !
I started to move the curtain back.
Sleeping upstairs in the loft.
I hadn’t seen one of those for donkey’s years.
Coin operated arcade machine
I put a coin in.
Never mind ! never mind ! Just google it.
The cages were so clean by the time I finished; you could see your own reflection on the floor.
There was this cage at the end of the corridor tempting me just by its presence.
I know you are fascinated.
But I resisted the temptation.
I wanted to move the curtains aside.
I didn’t do nothing.
I tip toed down the stair.
Tip toed through the basement.
I was absolutely stunned !
I couldn’t believe my eyes !
As pink as a lobster.
The fur of the gorilla looked so fine and so soft. I just really felt the urge to reach through the cage and touch its fur.
You have investigated enough.
I slept like a baby.
It doesn’t mean that I cried during the night and pissed myself – No.
Daniel was there whistling.
I’ve got to have another look.
Right there at the bars of the cage.
He held out his hand to me.
Gorilla was smiling at me with his big teeth.
To hell with the consequences !
I reached out my hand and touched the gorilla.
I touched him briefly on the back of the hand.
It was like a fur of the unicorn.
…….he did somersaults.
He started to pull / bend the bars open.
I ran out of the mansion.
I didn’t bother to get my stuff.
I could hear his steps pounding on the ground as he chased after me through the mansion.
I ran like my life depended on it.
I was sure this gorilla was gonna rip my head off !
I ran into the street.
I ran down the street.
May be I lost him
I took a left turn down an alleyway.
He was sprinting down the road after me.
I jumped on the bicycle.
I bombed down the hill.
Flying down the hill on the BMX bicycle.
I jumped onto the bus.
I acted all nonchalant.
He’ll lose me and wouldn’t notice.
He was smashing cars out of his way.
I nearly soiled my trousers.
I jumped out of the bus.
I dived into the underground.
I got up to the gates.
Couldn’t you have looked for your oyster card before you got here?
Managed to get down onto the platform.
Jumped on the train….
If I change at green park onto the Victoria line and I take the Victoria line sort of north bound and then go to Tottenham Hale. And from Tottenham hale I can jump on the overland which would take me to stansted airport.
Walked through the streets….
I kind of walked leisurely…..
On the tracks next to the train.
Train was going along the tracks.
He just mouthed – ” I’m gonna get you!”
Do you mind if I ask you what are you doing?
I’m mug him off !
I’m gonna get that geezer called Luke!
I went to the bank to borrow some money.
Would you like to take a seat?
How can I help you?
I’d like to borrow some money.
Well Luke, I’m sure you realize we can’t simply lend you all the money.
You are a humorous gentleman. You like to have a laugh.
If I wanted to I could make you say and do anything I wanted !
I think you are making it up.
You are gonna speak like a scouser.
All the money in 20 pound notes is a lot
How about a debit card?
He has nearly caught up with me now.
Out in the street again.
Got myself a coffee
I drank that.
Flying towards me on a skateboard.
I escaped down the street towards the airport on a scooter.
Got to the counter.
How did you know that I had all the money! Never mind that Luke! Never mind!
They don’t even let you bring water onto the plane.
Jumped onto the plane.
The plane taxied out on the run way.
I couldn’t be safer!
I’m flying to a new exotic location.
On the wing of airplane…..
The pink gorilla was holding onto the wing of the airplane.
Looking at me; staring at me; smiling with his big teeth.
He’s managed to catch up with me.
I managed to jump onto an iceberg.
Looked over my shoulder….
I jumped off the iceberg and jumped on another iceberg. And I kept jumping from iceberg to iceberg…..
He jumped over onto the iceberg and walked up towards me.
He extended his hand again…..
He just tapped me on the arm.
Tag ! You’re it !
Pink gorilla was just competitive, he just enjoyed playing games.
Why did I touch him in the first place!
I wish I had never done it in the first place.
So I stood up picked my self off the ground, brushed the snow off my trousers and I thought : Right ! I’m gonna get that gorilla !
I saw the pink gorilla getting onto the plane and so I leapt onto the wing. And the plane took off into the sunset.
And you’ve been listening to it ladies and gentleman.
May be there are aspects to the story I didn’t deal with. In which case…….
You have been listening to Luke’s English podcast.

TRANSCRIPT

The Pink Gorilla Story
by Luke Thompson
Transcript sent in by Andrzej from Poland – thank you Andrzej!
You’re listening Luke’s English Podcast. For more information visit teacherluke.podomatic.com. (now teacherluke.co.uk)
Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Luke’s English Podcast. I’m saying ‘Good morning’ because it’s the morning here where I am. While I’m recording this it’s the morning. Maybe it’s not the morning where you are. It could be, well, one of the other times of the day, maybe the afternoon or the evening or just the middle of the night. If it’s not the morning where you are then, you know, maybe, you know, you could just pause this and then wait until it is the morning and then just press play again so that when I say ‘Good morning’ to you at the beginning it makes sense. Okay? So, you could just do that because I don’t know what happens if someone says ‘good morning‘ to you when it’s not the morning. I don’t know what happens does…. Maybe the space time…, maybe it causes a rift in the space time continuum or something a bit like in ‘Back to the Future II’ and just all, everything kind of goes all wrong in space-time. If then that happens or just nothing happens at all. Perhaps someone just says to you ‘Good morning’ it’s not the morning. It’s the afternoon. We’ve just woken up, get a grip or something like that. But I think that’s probably the extend of it. I don’t think it’s more serious than that. Okay Luke, what are you talking about? Let me just say ‘Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night. Thank you very much for listening. I’m going to bed now. It’s been a pleasure, really has. Good night .’ No, no, no. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Of course, right, when you greet someone you can say ‘Good morning’, right? It’s like ‘Hello’. ‘Morning’. ‘Morning’. You can say ‘Good afternoon’. ‘Afternoon’. ‘Good afternoon’. ‘Good afternoon’. ‘How are you’. ‘I’m fine, thanks’. And you can say ‘Good evening’, right? So, ‘Good evening’. Would you say that… Would you say that to a friend? ‘Good evening’. Yes. If you went into a restaurant you might say
– Good evening. I’d like to book a table for two, please.
– Certainly sir. When would you like to book your table?
– Well, I’d like to book it for tomorrow evening, please.
– OK, how many people?
– Just, well, two. I did say two earlier on.
– That’s right, you did, didn’t you.
– Yes, so, can I just book the table please? I don’t have much time.
– Yes, certainly sir. How many people was it for?
– Two! Two! I’ve just said it! Twice now.
– OK. Sorry. You know, I’m very busy. I’ve had a very busy day. My brain isn’t working properly plus earlier on this afternoon someone said ‘Good morning’ to me and it confused me for the rest of the day. That’s why now I can’t get my head together but anyway, yes, you want to book a table. OK. How many people?
– Two people! For Christ’s sake. OK, look, I’ll go to Burger King. It’s all right. Never mind.
– Well, that’s, you know, that’s not necessary. We do burgers here.
– No, no, really, you are incapable of dealing with the booking so, I’m leaving.
– Well, sorry sir. You know, do come back. Come back another time perhaps.
…For example, OK? But you can say ‘Good morning’, ‘Good afternoon’, ‘Good evening’ but if you say ‘Good night’, that’s what you say before you go to bed, isn’t it, so, if you kind of meet someone at night ‘Good night’, then you have to immediately just turn around and go to bed, don’t you? Ha, ha, ha! Yes. So, don’t make that mistake listeners. Don’t, when you greet someone at night, don’t say ‘Good night’ as a way of saying hello. I don’t know why you’re meeting someone at night. What are you doing? What is this kind of secret meeting, secret night-time meeting you’re doing? I don’t know. Are you meeting someone to, maybe, I don’t know, maybe you’re, you know, buying something. You could be buying some illegal DVDs or something like that. You can imagine that sort of turning up
– All right. Yeah, all right. So, you’ve got the… You’ve got the stuff?
– Yeah, yeah, I’ve got the stuff. I’ve got it right here.
– Yeah, the stuff, right? You know, you know what I’m talking about, don’t you.
– Yeah, the stuff, of course, of course I know what you’re talking about… yeah.
– I just wanna make sure. What exactly do you mean by stuff here?
– What do we mean by stuff? We’re talking about… we’re talking about the puppies, right?
– Puppies? No, I’m not… I don’t wanna buy puppies. No, I wanna buy the DVDs.
– Oh right, yeah, of course! Well, of course, yes! I used ‘puppies’ as a code word for DVDs. You know, sometimes I call them ‘puppies’ because it seems a bit safer.
– Really? Are you sure? You’re sure that that’s a safe code word? Because if, let say, the police overheard you talking about dealing puppies I think they might be a bit concerned by that as well and then might follow you. In fact… in fact they have followed you and here they are. Great. Well done. You’re not very good at being secretive, are you?
So, then the police arrive (sirens, brakes)
– Excuse me gentlemen, can I enquire… can I make an enquiry as to the nature of this rendezvous in the middle of the night?
That’s a police officer.
– Yes officer. We were just meeting to… I was just buying some puppies from this guy.
– Buying puppies, oh I see. Well, I think you find that that contravenes section 134 of the Puppies Act which states that it is illegal to purchase or sell puppies after midnight. And so sir, I’m gonna have to put you under arrest. I can’t remember that phrase that I’m supposed to say. I think it goes something like ‘Please, remember that anything you do say can be taken against you in a court of law. You’re under arrest.’ Please, follow me down to the police station and bring the puppies because they’re cute. They might be quite nice to look at in the police station.
OK, right, so, that’s it. I’ve been arrested so, good night ladies and gentlemen. Thanks very much for listening and I’m now gonna go to jail or prison as you might say. Jail or prison. Let’s hope, let’s hope I’ve got a good lawyer and they can get me out of this mess. My dealer, my DVD dealer just ran away. They weren’t interested in him because I was the one who had the puppies. I didn’t even give him the money. He just gave me the puppies so, I guess I’ve got some puppies now but I think the police are gonna take them away. What are you talking about Luke?! I know you are thinking ‘What is happening in this episode? This is kind of random bollocks .’ Well, yeah, it is kind of random bollocks. Maybe that’s what I could call this episode ‘Luke’s Random Bollocks’. Although, I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to name an episode after my bollocks. I just think that’s not a clever move especially, you know, in the light of the fact that recently I’ve won this competition so, I expect… I’m getting more traffic, more people are coming to the site than normal. Probably people who work for Macmillan dictionaries, Cambridge dictionaries maybe Oxford dictionaries they all…, they may be checking me out. You know, these kind of very important people from the world of teaching English as a foreign language. You know, you can imagine some sort of academic director or some publishing director from Cambridge University who, you know, is checking out the Macmillan blog and he says – I see that a some young gentleman named Luke Thompson has won the Macmillan Dictionary Award for Best Blog 2012. Well, I think I shall…, I think I shall investigate this up-and-coming, go-getting podcaster and see what it’s all about. So, let’s have a look at some of the pedagogical techniques that he is using in the podcast. Maybe I can learn what fresh new approaches to teaching methodology are being used here. Hmmm, let’s have a look…OK… teacherluke.podomatic.com… Click. Luke’s Random Bollocks? What’s this?’ Maybe this is a revolutionary new method of teaching English as a foreign language. English through shit. I don’t know. Maybe that’s possible. English through nonsense. It’s… I mean, it could be possible because, I don’t know, it’s new, alright? Actually, I’m sure it’s not new. I’m sure I’m not the first English teacher in the world to just sort of have fun and expect other people to join in and as a result learn a load of stuff that they wouldn’t normally learn from textbooks or from things like the BBC Podcast because they have to be the BBC and they have to do things in a certain way. It has to be correct, has to be sort of slightly unnatural maybe whereas here at Luke’s English Podcast you’re getting the real thing, you’re just getting English as it actually happens, English as it really is spoken, not really edited very much, just sort of stream of consciousness English jazz cakes. I don’t know what that is ‘English jazz cakes’, I just made that up. But that’s… I suppose that’s what you are getting so, I hope that you enjoy my English jazz cakes or my random bollocks.

Hmm… yes, so, there was a point to this podcast and the point, one of the points for this episode, one of my objectives was just to kind of talk randomly like this and see what happens. That’s one of the objectives of the episode but one of the other objectives was to tell you a story, okay, tell you a story.

OK, now, first of all let me get back to the first point talking sort of randomly, talking without preparation. I’ve done episodes like this before without any preparation and for example I did one called ‘The Ice Cream Episode’. I did one called ‘The Cheese Episode’. I did one called, I believe it was called, ‘The Rotary Sushi Bar of English’ and I did ‘The A-Z of Random Nonsense’ so, the advantage of doing episodes like this for me is I don’t have to spend a lot of time in advance preparing lists of vocabulary or preparing scripts or doing research or anything like that. I don’t need to spend time doing that. And that’s good for me because I don’t have a lot of time even though I did win the 2012 award for best blog, and that’s two awards I’ve won now, even though I’ve won two awards in a row it doesn’t mean that I can just give up my day job. It doesn’t mean that I can just move into a huge mansion with a recording studio in it somewhere. I still have to try to find windows of time in my otherwise busy life to record episodes of the podcast. And recently my life has just been really busy. I’ve just had loads of different things going on. I’ve got, obviously, my full-time job, etc., etc. I don’t need to go into its lots of detail because I’ve talked about it before and you’re probably like ‘Yeah, Luke, yeah (yawning). Same old story, yeah, you don’t have much time etc., etc. Just keep talking, please.’ So, okay. So, that’s kind of a bit of justification as to why for me, I like doing these episodes were I don’t prepare and I just talk.

Secondly, it’s kind of fun to have a challenge for me. I like the challenge of having to speak like this without, you know, preparing. For me it’s kind of a challenge. I like the opportunity just to talk and not really know where I’m going to go next. It’s quite fun because I can be creative and I can kind of improvise situations and hopefully create some entertaining stuff for you to listen to.

What else…? Also hopefully it’s kind of engaging to listen to. It should be quite interesting to listen to because, you know, if you…, I must say I’m guilty of this, if you write a script and then read the script it somehow becomes kind of dull and boring. Maybe it’s because English which is written is different to English which is spoken. So, written English, English that’s written in books or magazines or newspapers or blog articles, it has a certain rhythm or certain style to it, which is good for written English, right? But when you actually speak and try to get the attention of people it’s better when it’s just completely improvised because it’s somehow has a bit more drama in it, because you know that the speaker doesn’t really know what he’s gonna say next. So, it’s what’s just happening right now. It’s happening in real time and it makes it more natural sounding. So, that I think is good for you, in fact, for several reasons. One reason it’s good for you is because it sounds more natural so, it’s good practice for you to listen to. It’s just very good practice for you to train your ear to the rhythm and the sound of natural English as it comes out of a person’s mouth. In this case the person is me. And another reason why it is good for you is hopefully it’s just fun. It’s just more fun to listen to and it’s just a laugh, a bit of a laugh. You know what I mean. So, going back, what the other points I was making. My other objective for this episode. My other objective is just to tell you a story and I’m going to start telling the story in a moment. Just as an introduction to the story let me tell you a little bit about it.

OK, so this is a story I’m gonna tell you and I’m… It’s a kind of a challenge for me again. I’m gonna try to tell you a story which… I’ll tell you a story which I hope you will enjoy and basically I haven’t planned this story so I’m making it up as I go along. I hope that you’re gonna find it funny and I think I’m gonna start the story now. Oh yeah. I’m gonna try to make it as long as possible, that’s it. I’m gonna try to make the story as long as I can. Now I’ve been speaking for 15 minutes. Let’s see how long I can make this story. Okay. I’m gonna also try and throw in some characters into the story so you might hear some different accents and different characters but just bear in mind the fact that I’ve got no idea really where the story is going. I’m just making it all up as I go along. So, bear that in mind. If the story doesn’t make a lot of sense then I apologize. It’s because it’s just kind of random bollocks, OK? Hopefully, you’ll enjoy it and hopefully, it will be very good practice for your ears. Okay, so, let’s begin the story, shall we? Yes, let’s begin the story.

Alright. …take a couple of breaths. …to take a deep breath…okay. Are we ready? OK, I’ll start telling the story in just a moment. I hope that you’re sitting comfortably. Maybe you’re standing. Maybe you’re walking. Whatever it is you’re doing, whatever position your body is in I hope it’s comfortable because the story is gonna begin now. Maybe you’re in bed. Maybe you’re lying there and thinking ‘Come on Luke. Tell me some stuff. Make me fall asleep’. Well, that shouldn’t be too difficult because… Yes maybe what I’m gonna say.. well just be so dull and so boring that you’ll be asleep. Maybe you’ve already fallen asleep. That’s quite possible. If you’re driving a car than, you know, I suggest you open your eyes. That’s normally the way it’s done. It’s best generally to open your eyes when you’re in control of a huge metal killing machine. So, please, be careful when you’re driving, okay? If you’re in bed though, you know, you can close your eyes. That’s fine. That is fine unless you want to open them. Maybe you’re scared of the dark. I don’t know. Anyway the story, the story. Here we go. So, I’m going to tell you a story about my life. It’s not true. It’s just made up. OK? Just to be clear. This is completely made up. Right, so…

A few years ago, well, let’s see, a few years ago I was living in London and I hit some hard times. Life got a bit difficult for me. I lost my job because I was just too good at it. My boss said to me – Luke, can I have a word with you, please? – I was in the middle of a lesson at the time. I was teaching. I was saying – So, present perfect tense is a tense which is used when the action is finished possibly but the time period is not finished and also, but, there is an exception to that rule – and my boss just came into the room (knock, knock, knock) – Ehm… excuse me, Luke. Hello everyone, hello class, hello students – The students were like – Hello – because they were Spanish. – Hello Luke, can I have a word with you, please? – And so, I had to say – Sorry class, just, you know, do page 3 of English Grammar in Use. Just do it, OK? Do it! Shut up! Don’t give me any back-chat – Maybe that’s why I lost my job because I used to tell the students to ‘shut up’. Haha! Actually, you know what? I never ever tell my students to ‘shut up’ because as an English language teacher you can’t do that. That’s like one of the worst things you can do. It’s worse to tell the students to ‘shut up’ than it is to tell them to ‘fuck off’, actually. Because ‘shut up’ is just like the rudest thing you can say in a language classroom in my opinion. Anyway. So, I said – OK students. You know what? Just do some work, alright? I’ll be back in a minute. I’ve got to speak to the boss. Obviously he’s got something very important to say to me because I’m kind of big deal around here, OK? So, do some work. See you in a minute –

So, I went out and the boss said to me – Luke, listen, I’m really sorry but we’re gonna have to let you go – I said – What? You’re gonna have to let me go? Yeah, I’m afraid so. We’re gonna have to let you go because, well, quite frankly, you can’t just give students pages from English Grammar in Use and tell them to ‘shut up’ and ‘do it’. You can’t do that! OK? Because… Why not? Why can’t I do that? Well, because… I don’t really know why but I just… I just know, I just know that you can’t do that. I don’t know. My training, years ago told me something about the fact that yeah, ‘you should try to use communicative methods. You should try to engage students in speaking exercises. You should give them regular feedback and just don’t tell them to shut up or fuck off, OK? It’s just a general rule, a rule of thumb for, well, for life. Don’t tell people to shut up or to…, you know.’ So, you know, I’m afraid Luke, we’re gonna have to let you go. So, sorry. Pack your bags. Get out! You’re fired! – So, obviously I was devastated – Oh, my God, I’m fired! I love my job – And then I realised – Wait a minute. I can just do what the hell I want now. Sure, I won’t have money or food but I’ll have my freedom – And so, I went back into class and I said – OK everyone. Well, It’s been a pleasure teaching you. I’ve been Luke Thompson and I still am and I really hope that you learn this language effectively and you go out there and improve the economy, OK? Good luck! I’ve been fired. Don’t, you know, don’t, don’t act too upset about that. Hello!? Are you actually listening?! Hello!? Yeah, I’m going now, OK? I’m going, yeah? Fine. OK, if you don’t care, that’s fine – In fact, there were once the students understood the situation. They were like – What?! You’re going?! Where?! How?! Why?! How?! Well, on foot, probably. Why?! Why?! I’ve been fired. My boss just fired me because I told you to ‘shut up’, remember? Oh, but Luke, you didn’t mean it? It was… Hey, Luke! Hey! – For some reason my students were all from Brooklyn – But Luke, you didn’t mean it? Hey, come on! What’s the matter with you? – All my students were from New York, Brooklyn or the Bronx. They were all Italian Americans which is kinda strange, I know but this is a part of the mafia training programme that they have over there. They have like a special mafia training budget which they can spend on things like, you know, methods of threatening people or money counting techniques and also English lessons. And so, all my students were Latin Italian American gangsters – Hey Luke! What’re you talking about?! Come on! What’s the matter with you?! You’ve been fired? Screw this guy! Who’s this guy, huh?! Come on! – And so, I said – Look guys, I’m really sorry, you know. Good luck with all of the, you know, the assassinations and the robberies and the extortion. Good luck with that, but I’m out of here, OK? See you guys later – And they would like – Hey Luke! Come on! Get out of here! Go out! Go away! – And so, that’s it.

So, I went out into the street, took a breath of fresh air, started coughing because, you know, this was London and the Oxford street, it’s not exactly fresh air, is it. No, it’s not. It’s not really. And so, and that’s it. I had my freedom. So, I just started walking the streets. Just walking around, just walking around, you know, moving one foot in front of the other. Right foot first usually then the left foot and just repeating that motion and sort of… I don’t know quite how we change direction while we’re walking. I think there’s subtle movements of the legs to the left and the right which allows us to turn but I would basically do that a lot of that all over London walking around, looking at the sights, you know. I got to see some of the most amazing sights in London: McDonalds, Starbucks, just the corner of Oxford street, H&M. Just some of London’s most famous attractions. Let’s see what else was there? There was Boot’s the Chemist’s, Marks & Spencer and of course things like Buckingham Palace and Big Ben, the London Eye. All of these things that I just couldn’t afford to actually visit. But I looked at them and I thought ‘This, this Luke, this is London’ and it was because, because I was in London. Yes, now, moving the story on, OK, so, I would, I would move, I would walk around the streets all day and all night just thinking what’s gonna happen to me ‘I’m homeless, I’m hungry’. I would go into supermarkets and just stare at food because I didn’t have any money to buy the food, so, I would stare at all the food on the shelf and just eat, just eat sandwiches with my eyes, you know, I’d just eat them with my eyes. But it wasn’t very satisfying because as you probably know, as you probably have learnt in your life you can’t, you can’t eat sandwiches with your eyes. You can’t really eat anything with your eyes, I think. As far as I know, I think, you can’t eat anything with your eyes but I tried. Oh boy did I try! I tried to eat, you know, mushrooms, spaghetti. Pretty much all the food I tried to eat with my eyes but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t eat any of the food with my eyes, so sometimes I had to steal, I had to steal. You know, I admit it. I was desperate. I was hungry and so, I stole a banana and I would go to the supermarkets and steal bananas. I found the bananas one of the most effective fruit to steal because what you can do is you just take the banana and then as soon as you’ve got the banana in your hand and just pretend that you’re receiving a telephone call. So, you have a banana in your hand and just go (prr, prr) ‘Oh, looks like I’m getting a call here on my yellow mobile phone!’ And then you just sort of bring the banana up to your ear and just start talking ‘Yeah, hello. Yes, yes, yes it’s me. Yes, well, that’s right. How can I help you? This is the banana hot-line. How can I help you? Yes. Yes, I think so. Yes, you should. No. No, you shouldn’t really… No, you shouldn’t really do that with a banana. No. No. No. I know. I know the shape of the banana makes you think that you could do that but seriously you shouldn’t because, well, bananas are a bit too soft, actually, for that despite the shape. That’s too soft so, you shouldn’t do it. No. You shouldn’t put it in there. No. Because it’s too soft. You might not be able to get it out, right? OK. No. No. Put it in your mouth. That’s right. Eat it. Eat it. That’s what you’re supposed to do with the banana. OK? Good’ And then I’d just keep talking like this on the banana phone and walk out of the supermarket with the banana to my ear and all of the staff in the shop would look at me and they would like ‘What’s going on? What’s going on there? Oh, it’s just a man talking on the mobile phone. Nothing to see here’ And I would just walk out of the shop with the banana phone like that and then I would have the banana. But sometimes what I would do I’d forget that it was a banana and I would think that I was making a telephone call. I’d try to call, you know, I’d try to call my parents on the banana and then after half an hour of attempting to make a telephone call on the banana I would realise ‘Oh my God, what am I doing?!’ And then I’d eat the banana. And then I’d be OK. 28:20

So, that’s how I survived. I’d just move from supermarket to supermarket doing the banana phone trick until eventually, you know, I was desperate, you know, I just couldn’t eat bananas anymore. I was sick of them and didn’t matter how many times I tried to call the banana hot-line no one answered because it didn’t exist. It didn’t even exist! It was all in my imagination so, I’d started begging on the streets and I would sit on the street and I would say ‘Excuse me, excuse me sir. Can you spare ten p? I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, you know, I’m a Cockney for some reason now. Can you, can you spare me ten p, governor, for a cup of tea?’ For some reason the Cockney accent helped. People all were like ‘Ah! It’s just a poor young Cockney, maybe a chimney sweep or something and he needs some money because he is, he is hungry. So, excuse me squire, you couldn’t spare a couple of pounds for a dear old Cockney. He’s got nothing, no money to his name’ And they would like give me some money and I’d go down to Marks & Spencer and buy some quality sandwiches. OK, so that’s how I survived.

And one day, one day this strange looking gentleman approached me in the street, strange looking gentleman. He was dressed in, like, a suit. He was dressed in suit with a top hat. He had a monocle. That’s like a, you know, like a pair of glasses but with only one lens and you kind of hold it in your eye. So, he had one of those, he had a monocle and a moustache and a top hat and a suit and he was like a very posh gentleman. And he came up to me and said – Excuse me, young gentlemen. Young beggar  – I was young at the time – Beggar, Mr beggar, I don’t know what your name is. I’m gonna call you Mr beggar. I’m using ‘Mr’ as a polite term of respect. Mr Beggar, how can I help you? You seem hungry. You seem desperate and tired. Would you like a job? – And I said to him – Wow! That’s amazing! First of all my name is Luke. – He said – Ah, Luke. Thank you. Thank you. It’s, it’s… You know, I always think that it is good to be on first name terms with homeless people – And so, I said – I’d love a job. What’s, what’s the job? – He said – Come with me to my mansion in North London and I’ll show you everything – And I said – You’re gonna show me everything?! Like everything?! No, no. Don’t misunderstand Luke. Please don’t misunderstand. I’m gonna show you everything related to this job offer. Ah! Right! OK! Great. Well, let’s go. Let’s go to North London.

So, we immediately… I don’t know… His name was… Let’s see… what was his name. I said to him – Excuse me, just before I agree to accompany you to your mansion maybe we should just introduce ourselves and get acquainted. And I’ll start: hello, my name’s Luke and I’m an English language teacher. I recently got fired because of a misunderstanding. My boss thought I was being rude to my students. Ridiculous! And so, he fired me. It was all a big misunderstanding. I wasn’t being rude. I wasn’t. It was… I don’t know how to explain it because it’s just improvisation. But, you know, I wasn’t being rude. Essentially, it’s because I was teaching Italian mafia bosses English and, you know, you’ve got to communicate them, you’ve got to communicate with them in the language that they understand and that’s often with a lot of swear words, sort of rude, aggressive communicative styles so, I was just, you know, adapting my teaching style for my class. But my boss overheard me telling my students to ‘shut up’ and he fired me. He fired me. He fired me from my job and so, I was on the street. So, that’s my position. I also do a podcast called ‘Luke’s English Podcast’ which won the MacMillan award for best blog in 2011 and in 2012(!) so, you know, I’m good, I’m a good person and I’m nice and… yeah. So, that’s me. My name’s Luke. It’s very nice to meet you. And what about you sir? What’s your name sir, with a moustache and a monocle and a hat? Sir! Please, sir! Please, sir. Sir! What’s your name, sir?! Can you tell me what’s your name is, please, sir?! – And he said – Just Luke please, just give me a chance to speak – Sorry, I forgot I have the posh accent – So, my name is Daniel Lazenby-Smythe, Daniel Lazenby-Smythe. That’s right and I’m very, very posh. I’m quite possibly the poshest man in London and it is a pleasure to make you acquaintance, Mr Luke. Actually, it’s Mr Thompson, Luke Thompson. Ah! I do apologize, Mr Thompson, it’s a pleasure to make you acquaintance.

So, wow, Daniel Lazenby-Smythe, what do you do if you don’t mind me asking? What do you do? Well, Luke, I am a collector. I’m a collector of rare endangered animal species. Wow! Wow! That sounds interesting. Rare endangered animal species. What’s that? What are they? What is it? What are you talking about, Daniel?! Help! Well, rare endangered animal species, what I do is I travel the globe with a huge truck and I travel around and I search for endangered animal species. These are animals which are very rare, animals which are in danger, animals which are under threat. And I collect them and I put them in the back of the van and I take them to London and then I keep them in my mansion. So, wait a minute, Daniel. So, basically, you steal rare animals from other countries? Yes, basically yes, Luke. That’s what I do. I just steal animals. But I’m not sure about the ethics of that. Isn’t that a little bit ethically questionable? Well, you know, you probably do have a point, Luke but… never mind that. Let’s just keep moving forward with the story, shall we? Yeah, good idea. OK. Right. So, let’s get in a taxi and let me show you my furry animals. OK. Great!

So, we got into a taxi (car’s noise) That’s… (car’s noise) got in the taxi (car’s noise) and, you know, I started doing this (car’s noise) and Daniel said to me – Luke, why, why are you making that strange noise? (car’s noise) Because, well, isn’t that what you do when you get into a taxi? You know, you sit down, you put your sit belt on, you tell the driver where you want to go ‘The mansion, please. The big mansion in North London’ and the driver goes Right you are, governor. Big mansion in North London. Here we go. Strap in’ and then you go (car’s noise), don’t you? – And Daniel said – No. No, Luke. No. That’s really… That’s not necessary to be honest with you. Not necessary at all – And I said – Well, Daniel, this is my story. I can do what the hell I want. It’s my story. Fine, fine, Luke. Yes, you go ahead. You sit there in a taxi, next to me making a noise like a crazy person and fine. You just do whatever you want to do. If you think that it’s right, go ahead. After all you did win those awards and everything so you must know what you’re doing. I do, Daniel, I do. I know what I’m doing even though I’ve got fired from my job and I’ve been eating bananas and pretended that they’re telephones and things like that, but I know what I’m doing, OK? Trust me, I’m an English teacher .

OK, so (car’s noise) off we went to the mansion and we went past various impressive sights in London, driving along the roads. We drove past Abbey Road Studios because that’s in North London and as we drove past I noticed there were The Beatles, The Beatles were just standing there outside the studio. All four of them! That’s right. Even John Lennon despite the fact he is actually dead, in this story he was there. He was actually there. So the four Beatles were there and… let’s see… Ringo was there. Ringo was saying – OK then Beatles, let’s go into the studio and record a new album – And Paul was like – OK, all right John, Ringo, George (Ooooh!) let’s go into the studio, shall we, and record a new album – And George was sort of saying, let’s see, George – OK, Paul, if you want us to go into the studio we’ll go into the studio. If you don’t want us to go in, we won’t go in – And Paul was – You know, actually, George, I think we should go into the studio because (Ooooh!) it’ll be, it’ll be great, you know, it’ll be like, you know, Sergeant Pepper – And then John said – OK, McCartney, I think you’ve got a good idea. Let’s go into the studio and record us another album – And, so, I overheard all of this as I went past Abbey Road Studios in the taxi and I just watched them walking into the studio and I thought ‘Oh my God, this is a momentous moment, if that’s possible. This is a momentous moment in history. The Beatles have got back together. John Lennon has come back from the dead. They’re going into the studio. They’re going to record a new album. This is amazing’ But I didn’t really have a chance to stop the taxi and go into the studio and listen to the music. I thought I didn’t have a chance. It turns out I did because I said to Daniel – Daniel! Daniel! Wait! Let’s turn around the taxi. I just saw The Beatles going into the studio to record a new album, a new Beatles album. We’ve got to go and listen – And Daniel said – Well, certainly Luke, after all this is your story. You can do whatever the hell you want and I’m sure you will – And so, we turned around the taxi. We went back to the studio and we walked in and… just… sort of walked into the back of the studio and sat down got ready to listen to genius in action and this is what we heard:

Singing, singing a song
Beatles, we’re the Beatles
And we’re geniuses
We haven’t lost our talent at all
Because we’re still The Beatles, genius

And then I thought ‘Is that it? Is that, is that what they’re recording? That is terrible! How on Earth, how on Earth could they expect that to be successful?’ – And so, we just left because it was so rubbish. Obviously, they’d just lost it. They’d lost all their talent somewhere along the line so… Anyway, we got back into the taxi, went to the mansion. So, we got to the mansion and Daniel Lazenby-Smythe said – OK Luke – in a posh voice – OK Luke, what I’m going to do now is I’m going to show you my collection of endangered animals. OK? But you must make two promises to me, two promises which you must keep. Promise number one is that you do not touch any of the animals and promise number two is you definitely don’t touch the animal in the cage at the end of the corridor. OK? Don’t touch the animal in the cage at the end of the corridor. I can’t emphasise this point more seriously. Please, don’t touch any of the animals especially the one in the cage at the end of the corridor – and I thought ‘OK’ – All right Daniel, I agree to your terms. I won’t touch any of the animals especially the animal at the end of the corridor. Now, to be honest, I’m already getting curious about the animal at the end of the corridor and I’m sure that the listeners are getting curious about it too. Listeners, Luke? What are you talking about? Listeners, there’re people listening to this. There’re People, People listening to this?! Are you sure? Yes, I’m positive. I get two to three thousand downloads every day. A lot of people in the world listen to this. Lots of people listen to this? Are you…, are you certain? It seems like absolute meaningless crap. Luke, are you sure? Yep, I’m sure. People love this stuff. OK? So, just, yeah. Anyway, people are listening so, please, let’s move on with the story. Yes, yes, OK. Don’t touch any of the animals especially… Yeah, I’ve got it. …the one at the end of the corridor. Fine!

OK – So, we went downstairs. We went into the mansion. We went downstairs into the basement and that’s where he kept his zoo, his zoo of endangered animals, and he showed me… He showed me all the animals. There was a kind of a three-headed zebra, three-headed zebra. That’s right. There was a leopard which had no spots. A leopard, of course, is a kind of a big cat. So, leopard with no spots. I think it was a puma to be honest. There was also a duck without a beak, a duck without a beak. Poor thing, but it looked strange. Who really did it. Was it like a duck? But just like a round head with no beak on the end. Pretty weird. All sorts of amazing animals and then finally we got to the end of the corridor and there was a cage at the end with black curtains covering the cage so I couldn’t see what was inside. I couldn’t see but I… I kind of approached the curtains and I listened and I could hear heavy breathing (breathing, snoring). Then that I thought ‘Oh my God, what is in there? I can’t wait to see it’ (breathing, snoring, whistling, mutter, singing “Love me do”) ‘What on Earth could be behind this curtain? This is amazing’ so, I started to move the curtain back, started to move the curtain back because I wanted to see what kind of weird animal was inside this cage. What kind of fantastic creature could there be in there? I started to move the curtain and Daniel Lazenby -Smyth noticed me, said – Luke! Stop! Stop! Do not move the curtain! Do not move the curtain! – So, I said – OK, Sorry Daniel, sorry – And he said – Right, with that I think we should go to bed – And I said – Really? We’re gonna go to bed? Yes, let’s go to bed – And I said – Well, I didn’t realise that that was a part of the deal. I didn’t realise that that’s what we’d have to do. No Luke, No, you misunderstand. I’ve… You’ve got your own bedroom. Oh God! Thanks God for that! No Luke, you’ve got your own bedroom. You’ll be sleeping upstairs in the loft. I’ll be sleeping in my bedroom, which is in another wing of the house. Nothing to worry about – So, with that we went to our bedrooms and everything. I went upstairs and there was my room. It was fantastic. It was great. There was like a big comfortable bed and an arcade machine in the corner, an old Street Fighter II arcade machine. I hadn’t seen one of those for donkey’s years. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen a Street Fighter II arcade machine so, I went over and there on the side there was a pile of coins which Daniel had thoughtfully left for me and a note, a note written in Daniel’s handwriting. And it said
Luke,
I know that you’re a big fan of computer games and so I’ve left you this coin operated arcade machine of Street Fighter II Championship Edition and here’re some coins so you can play the game.
So, I put the coins in, I put a coin in and started playing, and I, you know, it asked me to choose my fighter. I chose Ken because he’s the best. And so, I started playing (game’s noises). If you don’t know what I’m talking about this is a… this is a computer game, a famous computer game called Street Fighter II. And I played Street Fighter II for ages. (Ha-Do Ken!) is what one of the characters says. Yes. I’m not gonna talk about that because it’s boring for most of you because I expect most of you have never played Street Fighter II. I think some of you have. Some of you probably know Street Fighter II and you love it and you’re going ‘Yes! Awesome! I can’t believe Luke is talking about Street Fighter II Championship Edition! Brilliant!’ But then the rest of you are going ‘What is Luke talking about? I’ve got no idea what Street Fighter II Championship Edition is. What does this thing keep saying (game’s noises) then never mind. OK? Never mind. Google it ‘Street Fighter II Championship Edition Ken’. Just google that then you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Right. So, I went to bed. I slept so well. Oh my God, I slept amazingly and I woke up in the morning all fresh and Daniel Lazenby-Smyth gave me some jobs to do. He got me to clean the cages of these animals. I cleaned them didn’t touch any of them, no, cleaned the cages. I was cleaning all day. He gave me a sandwich for lunch. Oh, I was happy, and a banana. And I cleaned the cages, cleaned the cages again, cleaned again. These cages was so clean by the time I finished that you could see your own reflection on the floor. That’s how clean they were. I cleaned them into like glass they were so clean. I mean these were wooden cages and I cleaned them so much that they became like glass. Yeah. Pretty amazing, isn’t it? And yeah, and there was that cage and the end of the corridor tempting me just by its presence. Just tempting me, asking me ‘Luke, why don’t you come and look inside the cage? I know you’re fascinated.’ But I, you know, I didn’t… I resisted the temptation. It was very difficult. I wanted to look. I wanted to move the curtains aside. I wanted to have a look inside. I wanted to see what this animal was but I could still hear the noises making (breathing, snoring, whistling, singing “Love me do”) It was very weird, very, very weird indeed. But I resisted the temptation I went back upstairs went to bed. That night I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about the animal in the cage downstairs. And you know what I did, listeners? You know what I did? I did nothing. No, I didn’t do nothing. I got up I got out of bed and I tiptoed very quietly, silently. I tiptoed down the stairs and tiptoed through the basement past all of these animals which were all sleeping. There was the zebra, you know, making a sort of zebra noise (zebra’s noise) That’s what zebras do when they’re sleeping but it had three heads so it was like (three genuine zebra’s noises) three heads. The duck with no beak just going (quack) because it couldn’t… can’t really quack properly, the duck, because it didn’t have a beak. It was like sort of going (quack) in its sleep. And the leopard and all that stuff, right? And I got to the end of the corridor and thought ‘Right, I don’t care what Daniel said. I don’t care anymore. I just want to see what is in this cage.’ So, I slowly moved the curtains to one side, slowly moved them to one side and there at the back of the cage was a huge, pink gorilla. Just a huge, pink gorilla sleeping and it had a radio as well listening to The Beatles, actually. So, there was a huge pink gorilla sleeping and I was stunned. I was absolutely stunned. I couldn’t believe my eyes. This massive gorilla. Pink! As pink as something is really pink. As pink as a lobster or as pink as just the colour pink. If you can imagine a page in a book and a child has coloured it pink with a pink pen? It was pink like that. Do you know like the way pink is pink? Well, this gorilla was really pink. OK? And I just thought ‘Oh my God! This is amazing’ and the fur of the gorilla looked so fine and so soft. I just really felt the urge to like reach through the cage and touch its fur. And then I suddenly realised ‘No! Daniel specifically asked me not to touch this animal. So, no, I’m not gonna touch it’ I really wanna touch it. I really wanna know how it feels like but I couldn’t. So, I decided ‘No, Luke. No. You’ve done enough tonight. You’ve investigated enough. It’s time to go to bed’ So, I closed the curtains. I tiptoed back upstairs, tiptoed up the stairs again and then went back to bed and I slept like a baby. I didn’t, you know, I didn’t… I slept like a baby. That means that I slept very well. It doesn’t mean that I kind of cried during my sleep and pissed myself, no. It just means that I had a very good night sleep. I slept like a baby. In the morning I was happy. I was happy. I cleaned the cages effectively, I cleaned them really well that all the animals were happy, that zebra with three heads, the duck without a beak, the leopard with no spots which could also be a puma. And I didn’t look inside the cage because Daniel was there, you know. Daniel was there, whistling (whistling). Because that’s what he does, Daniel. You probably don’t know but during the day he just whistles. He just sits there enjoying his animal collection and whistling (whistling) in a kind of 1950’s sort of way (whistling) Because no one whistles like that anymore, no one except Daniel Lazenby-Smythe because he is old fashioned and that’s just way he is. And so, I didn’t think about the pink gorilla, didn’t think about it at all until the end of the day, the end of the day. Suddenly when my work was done I remembered ‘Luke, what about that pink gorilla, though? What about the pink gorilla?’ And I thought ‘God, I’ve got to have another look’ because it was so amazing. So, after Daniel had gone to bed I went down the corridor and I, more confident this time, more confident because I knew what was inside, opened the curtains and the gorilla was right there in front of me, right there at the bars of the cage and he went – Hello – like that. And I went ‘Oh!’ like that, shocked. And he held out his hand to me. Held out his hand and I knew that he wanted me to touch his hand. Right? I thought ‘This, this doesn’t look so bad. It’s quite friendly’ The gorilla was smiling at me with these big teeth like that holding his hand out and I thought you know what? ‘I’m gonna… I’m gonna do it. I don’t care about Daniel Lazenby-Smythe. I just don’t care anymore, damn it! I’m gonna touch this gorilla. To hell with the consequences’ And so, I reached out my hand and I touched the gorilla. And his… just… I touched him briefly on the back of the hand and his fur was incredibly soft. It was like a fur of a unicorn. It was so soft. But this huge gorilla suddenly, soon as I touched him, suddenly started to go crazy. He started to shake the bars of the cage. He started to go round around, jump up and down. He did somersaults and I thought ‘Oh my God! What have I done? What have I done?’ And immediately the gorilla started to pull the bars open. He started to bend the bars open with this crazy look in his eyes, pull the bars open I thought ‘Oh my God! What have I done?! I’ve got to get out of here! I’ve got to get out of here!’ in an American accent. Suddenly I became like a kind of an American movie and I thought ‘Oh my God! Get out of there!’ So, I ran. I just ran. I ran out of the mansion. I didn’t bother to get any of my stuff. I couldn’t, I couldn’t because behind me the gorilla was running and I could hear his footsteps pounding on the ground as he chased after me through the mansion. So, I was running through the corridors of the mansion ‘Oh my God, I’ve got to run away. This gorilla’s gonna get me’ And I ran and ran. I could hear (footsteps) this gorilla coming towards me. So, I ran like my life depended on it because I w
as sure this gorilla was gonna rip my head off or something like that. So, I just kept running. I ran out into the street and I ran, ran down the street. I turned around ‘Maybe’ I thought ‘Maybe the gorilla… Maybe I lost him because I sort of took left turn there down an alleyway Maybe the gorilla, you know, has lost me…’ and I turned around but ‘…no. The gorilla hadn’t lost me’ In there it was sprinting down the road after me in a kind of gorilla style, you know, using his hands and his feet running after me and I… I just thought ‘Oh my God! What’s going on?!’ and then so, I ran. I ran for it and I found a bicycle on the side of the road. Just a bicycle had been left so I jumped on a bicycle and I accelerated. I bombed down the hill flying down the hill on this BMX bicycle and eventually I got down into the centre of the town an looked around and there was the pink gorilla. But he was on a bicycle too. I don’t know where he found it. He was flying down the road after me and so, I thought ‘Oh my God. I’m gonna neeed to find another form of transport.’ So, I quickly jumped onto a bus. I jumped onto one of those red London busses and I went upstairs and I kind of acted all nonchalant as if nothing was happening ‘So, I’m just… I’m just getting on a bus, nothing to worry about, just an ordinary passenger on this lovely red London bus. I’m just gonna sit here and act like nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine, everything’s absolutely fine. Maybe if I act normal the gorilla will sort of forget who I am and he’ll lose me, he won’t notice, right?’ So, I sat there and I started checking my emails on my phone and I kind of sat there for a while thinking ‘Ah, the gorilla probably doesn’t know where I am. I’m OK. After all I’m on a red London bus. It’s safe. Everything is OK.’ I looked out of the window and looked behind us down the street and immediately I saw the gorilla. And this gorilla was chasing the bus. He was chasing after the bus. He was smashing cars out of his way, just bang! Smashing these cars, taxies, black taxies, vans, trucks, just smashing them all out of his way in his mission to get me. And, you know, I nearly soiled my trousers, I’ll be honest, because I thought that everything was all right, but not. It wasn’t. The gorilla was more determined to get me than ever. He was just chasing after me. So, I just jumped out of the… jumped out of the bus and I thought ‘I’m gonna need to… I’m gonna need to get on another form of transport. So, I, sort of, dived into the Underground and I was in such a rush. I got up to the gates. I got up to the ticket gates but, of course, there was this woman in front of me. She couldn’t find her Oyster card. She was checking her pockets and I was like – Come on! Come on! For God sake, There’s a huge pink gorilla chasing after me! He’s gonna kill me. Can you just get through the gates, please? – And the woman was like – Excuse me, Excuse me, but I’m trying… I’m trying to find my Oyster card. I don’t need you. I don’t need you like telling me what to do, yeah? I don’t care if that pink gorilla chasing after you. I can’t find my Oyster card. Ah, look, sorry, but couldn’t you’ve looked for your Oyster card before you got here? This is the worst place to be. Didn’t you listen to my podcast about using the Underground? You shouldn’t, you know, you shouldn’t do this. You should be prepared when you get to the gates. You should have your Oyster card ready. No, look, Luke, you know, I know you… I know you’ve done a podcast about that but I don’t care right now. I don’t care, do I? I just don’t care, yeah? Yeah, I get the message. I think that you don’t really care. Fine. Never mind –

So, I went to the next gate and I got my Oyster card and I went through, managed to go down to the platform. The train came in. I jumped on the train and the train left and the announcement said – This is a Cockfosters… – No, the announcement said – This is a Piccadilly line train to Cockfosters calling at South Kensington and Piccadilly Circus – And so, I thought ‘Right. Good. I’m on a Piccadilly line going to Cockfosters. What am I gonna do? I guess I can go to… I can probably go to Stansted Airport if I change at Green Park onto a Victoria line and I take a Victoria line northbound and then go to Tottenham Hale. And from Tottenham Hale I can jump on the overland which would take me to Stansted Airport. And then I can just get a plane out of here and that pink gorilla is never gonna find me – So, I am, you know, I did that, took the Underground and I thought ‘This is fine. The gorilla can’t chase me on the Underground. This is fine. No problem’ And for a while I thought everything was all right. I thought ‘I’ve got a plan. Everything’s gonna be fine’ I changed onto the Victoria line. I went through to Tottenham Hale station, got out, walked through the streets ‘Nothing. No pink gorilla’ Everything was fine. Everything was calm ‘Nothing to worry about’ And so, I kind of walked leisurely in a relaxed way. I walked to the station to get the overland train, got the overland train, sat down, relaxed. I thought ‘This is gonna be nice. I’m gonna go on holiday somewhere. This is gonna be great’ I was just relaxing, sitting back in my seat. I looked to my right and there on the tracks next to the train, as the train was going along the tracks, then on the next set of tracks, there was the ****kin’ pink gorilla. There he was and he was on one of those like mechanical train things, you know those things, this is like a platform with a kind of metal handle, metal bar in the middle which you can lift up and down and it’s sort of… it’s a mechanical device which allows you to travel along the train tracks just by moving this bar up and down. So, he was on the one of those things moving it up and down, up and down, flying along next to the train. And I was so shocked. I just looked at him. I just couldn’t stop looking at him and the gorilla turned to me just there on the tracks, you know, flying along the tracks, moving the bar up and down. He turned to me and he just mouthed ‘I’m gonna get you. I’m gonna get you’ he mouthed. Understandably I was shocked and I was afraid. And… Hoooo! Dear, that was frightening so, what happened was I got out of the train near the airport and I realised ‘Oh my God, I don’t have any money’. While I was doing this I didn’t know what the pink gorilla was doing. He was probably putting the train platform mechanical device thing somewhere. Probably, maybe, maybe he had to deal with a member of train staff – Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me Mr Gorilla, Mr Pink Gorilla, do you mind if I ask you what you are doing? That is British Rail property. You’re not supposed to be touching that – And the gorilla probably went – I don’t care, squire. I don’t care what you think because I’m a bloody pink gorilla, yeah? I am on a mission to get that geezer over there called Luke Thompson. I’m gonna get him. Yeah, I’m gonna get him. I’m gonna… I’m gonna mug him right off. You will see, my friend – And so, that guy said – OK, sorry. You’re a bit frightening and a little bit scary and you’re huge pink gorilla. Im’ not gonna… I’m not gonna give you any trouble, in fact. I know, would you like a banana? I don’t eat any bananas, mate. I don’t eat. I’ve only got one mission and I that is to get that geezer over there called Luke Thompson and I’m gonna get him. Now, get out of my way! – So, the gorilla was involved in something which meant I had a little bit a time and I thought ‘Damn! I don’t have any money to pay for a ticket. What am I gonna do?’ And so, I went into the bank in order to borrow some money. I went to the bank to borrow some money, you know. I got an appointment with the bank manager in his office and so the bank manager said to me – OK Mr Thompson, would you like to take a seat? – So I said – Yeah. Great. Thanks. Thanks. Ooooo! Just sit down. Everything’s OK. Just sit down here. Oooo! That’s nice. Nice comfortable seats you have in a bank here, Mr manager. Yes, that’s right. We do have comfortable seats, Luke. Now, how can I help you? Well, I’d like to… I’d like to borrow some money, please. I’d like to take out a loan – And the bank manager said – OK. Fine. How much money would you like to borrow? – And I said – Well, I’d like to… if possible I’d like to borrow, well, as much, as much as you can… In fact, I’d like to borrow all… all the money, just all of it, all the money. Well Luke, I’m sure you realise that we can’t just simply lend you all the money, all the money in the bank. No, no, no, no. I don’t expect you lend me all the money in the bank, no. I just want you to lend me all the money, just all the money in the world. Ha, Luke! I understand you’re humorous gentleman. You like to have a laugh but seriously that’s impossible, that’s ridiculous. We… we could probably lend you about three thousand pounds with the interest rate, well, six per cent. Well, sorry Mr Bank Manager but I think you’ll find… I know that you’re the manager of this big bank which is all very important and all that kind of stuff. Well done. Congratulations. Clap, clap, clap. Good job. Yeah, you’re brilliant, but. I think you’ll find that this story and everything in it including you is basically the creation of my brain, OK? So, you can’t tell me ‘you can’t give me all the money’, OK? Because this is my story so basically, if I wanted to I could make you say and do anything I wanted – And the bank manager was like – Oh, really? Ehm… I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you. I think you’re making this up. Prove it – So, I said – OK. Fine. If you want me to prove it I’m gonna prove it. OK Mr Bank Manager, I’m going to make you speak like Sean Connery now. Ha! Don’t be ridiculous Luke. You can’t make speak me like Sean Connery… what the (hell)… Oh my God! You’ve made me speak like Sean Connery. This is… This is… This is strange. This is unbelievable. In fact, this is amazing. I’ve always wanted to speak like Sean Connery – To be honest he sounded a bit Dutch, really – Never mind, Luke. I don’t care if I sound Dutch. Essentially, this is a Sean Connery voice and you’ve made me speak like his. OK, never mind. Let’s say I don’t think you’ve convinced yet. Let’s say I want you to speak like Roger Moore. OK. Ha, you want me to speak like Roger Moore. That should be too much of a problem. OK, let’s say you’re gonna speak like a… you’re gonna speak like a Scouser. You’re gonna speak like someone from Liverpool now, Mr Bank Manager and then you’re gonna believe that I’m in control of this story and everything that happens in it. All right Luke. All right. So, you wanna… you wanna borrow some money? How much money do you wanna borrow? Oh yeah, you’ve told me that you wanna borrow all the money. Yes, that’s right. I do want to borrow all the money, Mr Bank Manager, who speaks with the Mancunian accent from Manchester. All right, Luke. All right. How’s it going? All right. Do you wanna borrow some money or something, yeah? You do … yeah? All right, I’ll tell you what I’ll do, yeah? I’ll give you a… I’ll give you a card, right? (gobbledygook) This accent’s gone wrong. Yes, that accent’s gone wrong. Let’s just say to speak normally, OK? And then I think you’ll agree that you can give me all the money, right? Because this is the story which I’ve created. Yes, OK Luke, you’ve convinced me. You’ve convinced me that you’re in control of the story. I’m gonna give you all the money. Would you like that in ten pound notes or twenty pound notes. Ah, well, can you give me twenties? C
ertainly, Luke. Have you got a container of some kind because all the money in twenty pound notes that’s a lot, that’s a lot of money? Ah, well, is there any way you could just give me like a credit card and then I don’t have to carry cash? Is that possible? Yes! Certainly, Luke. Yes, we can arrange for you to have a card. How about a debit card? Yes, debit card would be fantastic. Right. In fact, could you hurry up because, to be honest, I’m being chased by huge pink gorilla and I expect that it’s… it’s nearly caught up with me now. He’s probably outside the bank waiting for me so, please, can you hurry up and just get me the card and then I’ll be on my way, OK? Certainly, Luke, certainly. It’s been a pleasure doing business with you and I’m very glad that you’re our customer even though you’re going to take all the money. That’s right, all the money in the world. Yes, well, I’m gonna need it because I think this pink gorilla is a dangerous one and so I’m gonna need money. I’m gonna need some cash to help me get out of this difficult situation. I think you’ll agree – And the bank manager said – OK Luke, look, this… we’ve been in a bank too long in this part of the story so it’s time we moved on, isn’t it? Don’t you think? Yes, it is, bank manager. OK, thanks for your help. Great. Got the card. Great. Thank you. Bye, bye. Bye, bye, bye Mr. OK Luke, it’s really good doing business with you. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye – So, bang! Out onto the street again and I thought you know what? ‘I really love Starbucks. I love Starbucks. I wonder if there’s Starbucks nearby somewhere… Yes! There’s a Starbucks right there, right next to me, of course. So, I went into Starbucks and got myself a coffee, didn’t I? Yeah. Got myself a Skinny Gingerbread Latte Mocha Frappuccino on Ice. And I got that and I drank that and then I thought ‘What am I doing? What am I doing? I can’t remember. That it! I’m escaping from this pink gorilla which is gonna try kill me’ and with that I looked down the street and there was the pink gorilla, finally just flying down the street towards me on a skateboard. And I thought ‘Oh God! Oh my God, he’s on a skateboard! Oh God!’ So, what I did was I got a scooter. I just stole a scooter from a child. Sorry. I didn’t really. It’s just a story. I stole a scooter from a child. Said – Come on, Johnny. Give me a scooter. I don’t care if you’re a child. I don’t care if this is a criminal act. It’s just a story, OK Johnny?- In fact (sound effect), magic! There’s a… there’s a new scooter. So, you can have that one and I’ll take you old one, OK? OK, mister. OK, mister. You can take my scooter. Thanks a lot. Bye, bye, bye. So (sound effect), I escaped down street towards the airport on a scooter with the pink gorilla flying behind me on a skateboard. It was dramatic. We got to the airport. I got there first, flew into the airport on my scooter, got to the counter – Give me a ticket to… somewhere else, please, on an aeroplane. Give me an aeroplane ticket. I want to leave as soon as possible – and the women said – OK, sir. You can have this ticket here. There you go. That’ll be a hundred and fifty thousand pounds. A hundred and fifty thousand pounds! Yes Luke, a hundred and fifty thousand pounds but after all you have got all the money and so, it’s not a problem, really. No, it’s not. How did you know that I had all the money? Never mind that, Luke. Never mind. I think that a… I think that a pink gorilla’s chasing you so you might wanna just, you know, keep moving? Yeah! You’re right. Thanks. Thanks very much- So, I took the ticket and I went through the airport, went through the security control. That was a bit annoying. I had to stand in a queue and I was standing in a queue waiting to go through the X-Ray machine. The pink gorilla was just standing behind me. He was like – This is a bit boring, isn’t it? This security control – and they don’t even let you bring water onto the plane. Oh, they don’t do they. Oh, oh. This is annoying. Anyway, that’s the modern world, bloody terrorists. I got through security and the pink gorilla was like – Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be chasing you, aren’t I? Yes, yes you are. So, I ran away from him and jumped onto a plane and I managed to jump on before the pink gorilla got there. The plane taxied down onto the runway and then (starting plane) flew off and took off and I thought ‘Ah! Finally! Finally, I’m in the air. I’m safe. Ironically, this is the safest place flying in a huge metal aeroplane. I couldn’t be safer and so, there I was in the sky, just sort of relaxing. I ordered a Martini shaken not stirred and drank it and I looked out the window and I thought ‘This is great. I’m flying to a new exotic destination. This is gonna be great. No problem at all. And I looked out the window and there on the wing, on the wing of the aeroplane, you guessed it, there was the engine but next to the engine there was a pink gorilla, the pink gorilla was holding onto the wing of the aeroplane as we were flying just holding on looking at me staring at me smiling with these big teeth and I thought ‘Oh my God! Oh Jesus! He’s managed to catch up with me and he’s even hanging onto the wing. This is terrible’ So, eventually, the aeroplane landed. We landed in the North Pole. That’s right in the North Pole. It was pretty cold at there, pretty cold on the North Pole. We landed and a… immediately I just ran. I just ran straight out the aeroplane. I just ran off into the snow. I just kept running through the snow. Running, running. Running, running, running. It was a bit cold but I was all right because I was running. So, I was running, running, running, kept running and I managed to jump onto an iceberg, jumped onto an iceberg. That’s like a big mountain of ice just floating in the water. I ran. I jumped onto the iceberg. I looked over my shoulder and the pink gorilla was running through the snow as well. He jumped onto the iceberg so I jumped off that iceberg and jumped onto another iceberg and the pink gorilla followed me and I kept jumping from iceberg to iceberg, iceberg to iceberg until eventually I was stuck on a little iceberg. Just stuck floating in the water at the North Pole and the gorilla was there and just walked up towards me. He just… he jumped over onto the iceberg and just walked up towards me and I thought ‘Oh God, this is it?! This is it?! Is this end of my life? Oh! Oh, dear! Not now, please! No, I’m not ready to go. Not yet.’ And the pink gorilla walked up to me and he extended his hand again. His huge pink arm extended towards me and I thought I he was gonna rip my head off but his hand slowly moved towards me and he just tapped me on the arm and he said – Tag, you’re it! – and I went – What? What do you mean? Tag! Tag, you’re it! What? Tag, mate, tag! You’re it! It’s a game, isn’t it? It’s a game. It’s just a… It’s a game – and I said – What about your accent? – Oh, yeah! Yeah! It’s a game! It’s a game, squire! It’s just a game! It’s a children’s game! What? Oh, yeah! Yeah. Yeah. I expect the listeners at this point have got no idea what’s going on but, yeah, you right, yeah. Tag! It’s a game. It’s like a game you play when you’re children in the playground at school. You touch someone. You say ‘Tag’ and then ‘You’re it’ and if you’re ‘it’ you have to chase other people and you touch them and then their ‘it’ and they have to chase you – So, I said – Yeah. Exactly. Tag, your it! – I said – What? Is that it? – He went – Yep. That’s it – and he just with that took around ran in the opposite direction and there I was just floating on this iceberg at the North Pole. I just thought ‘He didn’t wanna kill me. It was just a game of tag. What a disappointment this story is. That was it. That was a huge game of tag. So, the pink gorilla was just competitive. He just enjoyed playing games. Oh, I’m so stupid! Why did I even touch him in the first place? What an idio
t I am. I wish I’d never done it at the first place.’ But then I thought ‘Well, it is a game of tag after all so, I’d better chase him’ So, I sort of stood up picked myself up of the ground brushed the snow of my trousers. I thought ‘Right. I’m gonna get that gorilla and with that I jumped from iceberg to iceberg to iceberg back to the airport and I could see the pink gorilla getting on the plane and so I leapt onto the wing and the plane took off into the sunset and our game of tag continued forever.

And now as I tell you this story I’m just taking a break from the game of tag and I’m just sitting here managing to find time to record an episode of Luke’s English Podcast. And you’ve been listening to it ladies and gentlemen so, thanks very much for listening and I hope that somehow you enjoyed listening to this random story. I’m sure that you’ll find that listening to this has been an experience. It’s certainly been good for your English. It’s very important to listen to things like this in English from time to time.

Now, if you want to you can suggest additions to the story. What do you think happened next in the story of the Pink Gorilla? Maybe there were some aspects to the story which I didn’t deal with, in which case feel free to leave a comment underneath this podcast. You can leave comments on teacherluke.podomatic.com (now teacherluke.co.uk) or you can leave comments on teacherluke.wordpress.com. So, please, leave your comments and suggestions and ideas. If you have any questions, of course, you can leave comments again and you will hopefully get answers to those questions, eventually. So, please, keep visiting the websites and do write your questions and comments there but for now, for this episode of Luke’s English Podcast it’s goodbye, bye, bye, bye…

You’ve been listening to Luke’s English Podcast. For more information visit teacherluke.co.uk

Thank you very much to Andzrej for sending me this transcript. If you liked The Pink Gorilla Story, let me know and I will do more episodes like this in the future. Who knows, I might do The Pink Gorilla Story Part 2…

Is this the Pink Gorilla?

Is this the Pink Gorilla?

Thanks for Voting / Downloading Problems


Hi listeners,

First of all, thank you very much for voting for Luke’s English Blog in the annual award for Best Blog 2012. So many of you voted for me and I really appreciate it. I suppose it’s your way of saying that you appreciate listening to episodes of the podcast.

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In the meantime, why not revisit one of the older episodes of Luke’s English Podcast and see if you can catch something new or perhaps remind yourself of some of the vocabulary you may have forgotten.

Normal service will resume soon, and yes I have my fingers crossed for the competition. The voting closes tonight at midnight GMT, and I expect the results to be announced soon. Fingers, and toes, well and truly crossed.

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Luke