Author Archives: Luke Thompson

About Luke Thompson

I've been teaching English for over 20 years in London, Japan and France. I also do an award-winning podcast for learners of English called "Luke's English Podcast". In my free time I'm a stand-up comedian who regularly performs shows in English in Paris and sometimes London.

127. Computer Games

Luke gives his personal history of computer games.

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This episode is all about computer games or video games, from the early days of PONG, Space Invaders and Pac-Man to the multi-billion dollar industry that we have today.

While talking in this episode I use various pieces of vocabulary to describe comptuer games and the games industry. Scroll down this page and you can find a list of expressions, phrases and sentences that I say in the episode.

Also, if you scroll down you can watch some videos about computer games which I think you might enjoy and find interesting.

What’s in this episode?
1. I’ll give you my own personal history of computer games (from my first hand-held Nintendo Game&Watch device, to the PS3 that I now have in my living room).
2. I’ll discuss some questions and issues that relate to computer games.

What do you think? I am very interested to know what you think about games, so please JOIN THE DEBATE by leaving your comments in response to this episode and these questions:
-What do you think of computer games? Do you love them or hate them?
-Do you think they’re sad or cool?
-Do you like all games or just some specific ones?
-Do you prefer any games genres more than others?
-Do you play games often, or do you avoid them completely?
-Are they just for boys or do girls play them too?
-Are they just for children, teenagers or adults?
-Do you think they are a good use of your time, or just a total waste of time?
-Are they bad for us, or do they help to keep us fit and teach us skills?
-Are they a good way to connect with people, or are they anti-social?
-Are they immoral or just a bit of fun?
-Can they be the future of entertainment? Will they replace movies as a way to tell a good story?
-Can computer games ever become an art-form?

Listen to the podcast to hear me discuss some of these questions and please leave your comments below this post.

VOCABULARY, PHRASES, EXPRESSIONS AND SENTENCES FROM THIS EPISODE
You should read these while listening to the episode. This page is not supposed to be read like a blog entry, it is here to help you understand the audio episode.
*I recommend that you double click words you don’t know, then paste into google or an online dictionary to get definitions*
Many people believe that computer games are just something that is used or done by geeky teenage boys with no friends who never go outside, never see the sun and who just spend all of their time indoors playing games and maybe learning how to become a murderer or something like that.
Maybe we can use America as a kind of benchmark for the way games are consumed all over the world.
Generally speaking I think the trends in America are quite reflective of trends in the rest of the world, more or less, when it comes to computer games anyway.
Consoles – e.g. the Playstation 3, the Nintendo Wii and the XBox 360
There’s a massive variety of games now and they come ‘in all shapes and sizes’.
My girlfriend got completely addicted to Angry Birds.
Games still have a long way to go before they can rival art forms like film or novels in the way that they can tell stories, but they have so much potential in terms of the way they are interactive.
I was born in 1977 and computer games had been around for quite a while when I arrived.
Atari were the original, old-school, retro computer games maker. (They weren’t retro at the time, but now they are really retro!)
IN 1972 they came up with a very early computer game concept, called PONG. (In fact Atari were later sued for allegedly stealing the idea of Pong from someone else)
It was very basic, it was very simple and essentially it was a kind of table tennis or tennis simulator.
You might have even played it, maybe on an emulator on your PC.
There was a little white ball, which was basically a tiny square made of probably about 4 pixels.
The white lines represented your bats, your table tennis bats or your tennis rackets.
It was very basic, but somehow very addictive.
There was something satisfying about the analogue sounds that you got from this game – BOP BIP BOP BIP.
It started out as an arcade machine.
A computer games arcade
Coin-operated games machines
It wasn’t until the early 70s that electronic games were introduced.
They introduced the very first games console, which had a space in the top where you could insert cartridges and the cartridges would be different games.
You could plug this thing into your TV and then “bingo” you’ve got your own tennis simulator.
He brought home some sort of Pong copy of some kind, that he borrowed from a friend I think, and he plugged it into the TV and then we started playing Pong.
I remember there were these kind of dials or paddles that we used to control the line going up and down.
The next game that I got was after my Dad had been to Hong Kong on business.
Hand-held games, e.g. the Game Boy
It had a little arm that would come out of the back and you could prop it up on your bedside table. It would work like an alarm clock.
It was a combination between a bedside alarm clock and a computer game.
The guys in the parachutes would slowly descend.
At the start it was easy because they would just come down one by one.
You’ve got to be very fast with your thumbs in order to catch these guys in parachutes.
You see this little shark’s fin coming through the water, and then they get eaten by the shark!
It was quite a lot of fun, and required quite a lot of skill and dexterity in your thumbs.
The Sinclair ZX Spectrum – it had something like 64k of RAM. (not Random Assisted Memory but Random ACCESS Memory)
You could write code so you could program your own games.
You had to load computer games onto it using a tape player.
They were pretty unreliable and they would crash quite a lot.
It crashed and it never worked again.
An AMSTRAD CPC 6128
I wouldn’t say it was a next-generation computer.
You’d put the cassette in the tape machine, rewind it, get the computer ready.
It would go into a ready mode and then you’d press play on the machine.
You could hear the sound of the code going in. It was a kind of analogue code.
Very slowly the game would load.
Probably about 50% of the time, they wouldn’t work.
If you even breathed on the computer, the chances were that it would crash.
The title screen would be some sort of picture to represent the game.
You’d keep your fingers crossed that it would crash.
BMX Simulator had a top down view.
There were these little, very basic looking, little blobs.
You had to avoid puddles of water.
Everyone would have to crowd around the keyboard.
Not very practical but certainly a lot of fun.
You had to type in the code in order to launch a game.
You had to learn a basic set of commands.
You had to control a little car going through a valley.
A valley, made of ‘number 1s’.
We used to actually want to get up early in order to play the games.
The Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) arrived.
I had a paper round. I was a paperboy.
I saved all my money from the paper round and I used it to buy my first NES.
If you don’t know who Mario is then I don’t know where you’ve been.
More American kids were able to identify Super Mario than Mickey Mouse.
A very playable platform adventure.
Super Mario was an Italian plumber.
He used to travel through these green pipes.
Don’t ask me why he was Italian.
They gave him a hat, and they also gave him a mustache.
She was constantly being kidnapped either by Donkey Kong or by Bowser, who was a kind of huge green monster, some sort of evil turtle.
It was up to Mario to find his way through these different worlds in order to defeat Bowser and rescue the princess.
Make sure that you don’t fall in holes.
The sound effects were really great and very memorable.
If you get touched by a turtle, then you would die. I don’t know why if a turtle touches your foot then you would die.
There were various little touches in this game that made it very special.
You felt that he had a sense of weight.
There was a sensation that he had some inertia.
I don’t know what kind of mushrooms Mario was eating.
Not real-world logic there.
All kinds of spin-off games.
It was basically just a grey plastic box with a lid on top.
The Game Boy (1989)
It was a very simple design, very appealing, a very nice aesthetic, very simple layout and everything.
It just oozed charm.
The cute noises that this machine would make.
It was a 2 bit machine.
Any yet with all of these basic limitations, Nintendo managed to produce some really classic games.
It just shows, you don’t need amazing graphics, you don’t need high-quality HD graphics.
All you need is a, kind of, inventive game designer, a simple set of rules and addictive gameplay.
TETRIS
God knows how Nintendo managed to get the rights to put it on the Game Boy.
It’s an interesting story of espionage and computer games.
It was very difficult to master the game.
You get a square, an oblong, a little higgledy-piggledy shape.
You have to make sure that the blocks don’t all pile up.
My parents didn’t really agree with games. They frowned on them. (frowned on / frowned upon)
Once they started playing Tetris, they got hooked, and they couldn’t put it down.
You could play Tetris for hours on end without even realising that the time had gone by.
In fact, if you played Tetris too long you would experience ‘Tetrisitis’!
Eventually you start seeing the graphics wherever you go.
That just shows how engrossing and how, kind of, addictive and fun these games are, that you just get completely sucked into them. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I wonder, I really do.
So after the NES and after the Game Boy, the next console that I got was the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES or Super Famicon in Japan).
It was a lot more powerful than the NES and it had much better graphics and there was a huge range of new games that you could get for it.
As a result you got lots of innovation.
It also looked cool. It was nicely rounded. It looked like it was out of the Star Wars universe in some way. It was kind of grey plastic and it was kind of rounded. It just looked nice, and when you put the cartridge in the top it made a satisfying ‘clunk’ sound. You’d put the cartridge in and it would go ‘CLUNK’. And there was a big button in the middle to eject the cartridge, and when you ejected it would pop out like a toaster.
I had a particular trick at Christmas time for getting tips as a paperboy.
They then felt obliged to give me a cash tip.
I spent my money, wisely, on a SNES.
I bought a SNES which was packaged with Street Fighter 2.
Essentially Street Fighter 2 is a fighting game, a beat-em-up.
Whenever you get punched your power level goes down a bit until eventually your power level reaches zero and you get knocked out.
The key to the game was learning the particular fighting style for that character, learning all their special moves and mastering them so that you could do the special moves in an instant.
Other characters were ones like Ken and Ryu who were the principle characters in this game, and they had a kind of a … sort of a karate style.
One of their special moves was to throw fireballs. So they’d summon up some special energy and then release it as a burning blue ball of plasma of some kind, and if that hit you then it would take away a lot of energy from you. That was one of their special moves and whenever they did it they would say a special command “HA-DO-KEN!”
It was a very effective move.
The dragon punch could inflict multiple hits.
“HA-RYU-KEN”
These characters were so well drawn, so well rendered, they were like super heroes. They way they looked on screen, they were big tough guys, with rippling muscles. They were like Greek gods.
I always used to think that the characters were saying “HELLO KEN” “HOW ARE YOU KEN?”
When I read the instruction manual (I realised) that no, they were just speaking Japanese.
I was dedicated to Nintendo.
I used to hate Sega. I shouldn’t have done because they had some great games too.
SONY PLAYSTATION
One of the things they managed to do was aim their marketing at older gamers.
What SONY started to do was combine the gaming experience with the home entertainment experience.
You can play Blu-Ray discs.
Now we’ve also go the Nintendo Wii, which is strangely named, because a wee is something you do in the toilet, so now you can have a Wii in your living room!
It brought Nintendo back.
The thing about the Wii is that it’s got motion sensors.
Your body becomes the controller, as it were.
This is a huge step… a huge change.. a huge innovation for Nintendo.
You just replicate the action from the real world.
You swing your arms and the motion sensor in the controller knows what you’re doing and it replicates it on the screen. Wow, amazing!
As a result, loads of girls started playing Wii.
It also allowed people all over the world to smash their TV sets.
Nintendo decided that you had to wear a strap around your wrist.
You just have to take my word for it.
I probably shouldn’t have spent so much time playing games with my friends.
We had a game called Goldeneye.
It allowed you to run around in rooms, as different characters from the James Bond movies, trying to kill each other.
We spent a lot of time murdering each other in virtual reality.
Why didn’t you join the student union radio and become a DJ?
Ultimately, playing games doesn’t allow you to achieve anything, it’s just fun in itself.
After a while I start feeling guilty because I know that I should be using that time to do something important like organising my finances.
Those are all things I should be doing rather than playing Red Dead Redemption.
It’s just like a big Sergio Leone western, except that you’re in it.
They’re really exciting and exhilarating.
Very violent, very gruesome murder.
There are lots of very wholesome games, like farming simulators. (but why not just try farming in the real world??)
A game like Grand Theft Auto is generally considered to be great because it gives you lots of freedom.
You can mug someone, you can shoot someone but you can’t give someone a bunch of flowers.
Why is it that computer games focus so much on bloody violence?
Maybe we all really would love to go outside and blow things up, but obviously we can’t.
I don’t think there is more murder or more killing now than there was before games arrived. I’m sure that the world was a lot more savage, a lot more brutal hundreds of years ago before anyone even considered the idea of computer games.
I don’t think it’s fair to say there are more killings, considering the number of people who play games.
I don’t think the number of police shootings (shootings of policemen) has not significantly increased since the release of that game. (this just speculation of course)
I don’t think it’s as simple as that.
Maybe it’s cathartic. It allows you to release tension or aggression.
The violence is more realistic and artificial intelligence is evolving all the time.
At what point will it become genuinely immoral?
That opens up all sorts of questions which have already been dealt with in films like Blade Runner.
It’s not really anti-social, it’s just a different kind of socialising.
Online people abuse each other, because there’s that sense of anonymity.
Also it allows people to develop genuine kinds of team work.
It allows people to develop a very refined sense of team work skills.
It’s not really that much different to playing a board game like draughts or Monopoly.
Also, some people say that games allow you to develop quick reflexes and basic motor skills, and decision making skills.
Are they analytic decision making skills? Do they involve making really strategic decisions?
It depends on what kind of game you’re playing.
Games are not mindless, not by any means.
They’re on a similar level as a basic Hollywood B movie.
Normally it’s some sort of visceral feeling, like excitement or fear.
I very rarely experience genuine emotion, sadness, I’ve never cried during a game, except maybe during The Legend of Zelda.
I don’t think games really elicit emotions in the same way that watching the subtle ways in which actors’ faces can convey meanings. Movies can be like fine art, but I haven’t yet experienced a game that’s like fine art. Sure some of them are aesthetic, they’re beautiful, some games but they rarely make me feel emotional. And usually the acting in games is appalling. You get these cut-scenes in which the story line moves on, and they’re just like… awful acting, as I’ve said the story lines are predictable and dull, full of cliches, so sorry computer games have got a long way to go before they can reach the same kind of level of emotional complexity that you get from a film.
At best, they’re like exploitative Hollywood ‘B’ movies, horror movies, westerns, that kind of thing.
If you’ve played a game that genuinely moved you, or that you found emotional, then, again let me know.
I think that’s pretty much it for this episode.

CHECK OUT THESE VIDEOS ABOUT COMPUTER GAMES
Charlie Brooker’s “How Videogames Changed The World”. This is a BBC documentary about computer games. It is a satirical and humerous look at the history of computer games.

‘Videogame Nerd’ talks about PONG consoles. My Dad brought home a Pong console some time in the 1980s, and we played it for about 2 weeks, before it disappeared from our living room.

Nintendo Game & Watch – Parachute (This is the first game I had as a child)

A short review of the British home computer, the Sinclair ZX Spectrum, which we had in our home for about 1 day before it crashed and never worked again! It was a classic computer though, and although it was very basic, it was used by lots of British teenagers to write their own computer games. This review gets a bit boring and technical but it does clearly show you the computer and how it worked.

Super Mario Frustration
This is a funny commentary video with someone playing a very difficult level of Super Mario Brothers. He gets very angry and starts shouting at Mario. It always makes me laugh. There is some STRONG LANGUAGE and SWEARING in this video so watch out!

Street Fighter 2 on the SNES. This video makes me feel quite nostalgic. I used to play this quite a lot when I was about 13 or 14 years old. I still play it on my PS3 sometimes these days. “HA DOOO KEN!”
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPj63Ms_q3M&w=400&h=300]

This is why you should take care when playing Nintendo Wii

Here’s a playthough of the classic western game Red Dead Redemption. The commentator is a game reviewer called Stan Burdman. Don’t take everything he says seriously, as he makes a lot of jokes while he talks. This video should show you how games have developed since they first arrived in the late 60s/early 70s. No real rabbits were harmed during the making of this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5VL3h6XvAE&amp

126. Your Emails, Comments and Questions

Luke responds to your messages with questions about English, and more.

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Thank you very much for your emails and comments over the last few months! I am going to reply to some of them here.

I get loads of emails in my inboxes and unfortunately there’s no way I can respond to them all. I’d end up spending all my time at my computer and that’s neither possible nor healthy. Nevertheless, please continue to send me messages. I really love hearing from you. I find it motivating and encouraging. Also, your messages tell me a lot about the people I am talking to on the podcast.

There are lots of ways to get in touch with me: FB, twitter, comments on Pod, comments on Blog, emails, youtube comments, youtube emails, LinkedIn, AudioBoo etc. I appreciate your messages, but I can’t always respond. I like it best when people leave comments on this website, either under episodes of in the forum (click the Discussion Forums link in the menu above).

Below you can read some comments, messages and questions I have received in the last few months. In the podcast you can listen to me responding to these comments. This is just a selection of some of the messages I’ve had. Not every comment is included here. Some I have already replied to or dealt with before.

THE BACKGROUND MUSIC is all produced/made by my brother. You can check out his youtube channel here to listen to more tunes.

COMMENTS, MESSAGES AND QUESTIONS (I reply to these during the episode)

I just listened to your first podcast and I was wondering, do I have to do the ‘interactive’ things (like asking questions, etc.,) now? I mean, the first one is not new so I don’t know if I’m supposed to do it or not.

Rei

Somebody left a comment on your episode:I love when you bring more people to the podcast because that’s when it really becomes natural English. In my opinion you use rather simple expressions when you speak on your own, probably because as you are a teacher and you are used to using words that your students understand. But do no misunderstand me, I love your podcast. I always listen to them on my way to uni. Sometimes I have to turn up the volume of my mp3 to a harmful limits, because I cannot hear with all the noise of the bus.Is there any possibility that the podcasts were louder? (I’m sorry if I sounded too fussy). Thanks for your podcasts and keep doing a great job!
Somebody left a comment on your episode:I like your accent and voice, Luck
Somebody left a comment on your episode:Teacher Luke! I’m sure you will make great podcasts in Paris. I’m sad I couldn’t have time to answer your questions… I’m so sorry. I wish I could have contributed to your next podcasts. Could you talk about british bands, please ? : ) Just yesterday I listened to my competition entry again and I noticed that nowadays I sound much better than that. That’s because I always take your pieces of advice ( not adviceS ) for learning and try to copy your pronunciation because you speak clearly without patronizing your listeners. I’ve been listening to your podcasts for about 8 months now and I can say that my english it’s not the same anymore. It’s visible that you enjoy what you do because when people love what the y do, they do it much better. Thank you so much !!

hello,luke!how are u doing?i am ABDENOUR from Algeria and I am a regular listener of your podcasts.in fact I do listen to them almost everyday.yet,it’s been a long time since u haven’t recorded a podcast;we do miss your qualitative and educative podcasts really!luke,can I ask you afavour? i would really like it if u record some podcasts on british culture.that would be a mind-boggling thing really…

Somebody left a comment on your episode:I love Sherlock Holmes stories!!!!!!

October – XxxYyy wrote:

Have you ever said something more about collocations? I just realized how important they’re to sound naturally.

ps. Have you mentioned Radiohead in the latest episode? Was in used just as an example or not? If not, high five! Their music has grown on me recently. So much I’m die hard fan now.

Thanks for sharing your awesomeness with all of us.

Don’t let wild city cats to eat you.

Somebody left a comment on your episode: (Vocabulary Review 1-11)Good idea to brush up on old stuff. I’m really into this kind of episode. Thanks Luke and Kate!
Somebody left a comment on your episode:why don’t u have the full transcription of this podcast??? I need it :(

Somebody left a comment on your episode:write the full transcription,,please!
Somebody left a comment on your episode:Do you know how long it takes to write full, accurate transcripts of these unscripted episodes? It takes ages!! Hours and hours. I simply can’t transcribe every word, even though I would live to. You can find a transcript of the story by clicking the link. Have you done that? If I have time I will work on a transcript but only if I have some available time . Remember this is a free service. I can’t work on it like it is a full-time job! Luke
Somebody left a comment on your episode:Luke, Unfortunately I can’t copy the transcript straight from the page,(page does not allow to copy from it), May I get this vocabulary comments transcripted from somewhere else?

Somebody left a comment on your episode:

Wow! Sorry Luke for asking you to do something unnecessary, you are not only a great Master in English,but also an awesome computer teacher.

COMPUTER TEACHER! :=[]
NoHealer JustPain left a comment on your episode:Luke, as I proceed to listen a strange thought occurs to me, you could simply dub cartoons for children, and for adult as well. P.S. Excuse me for my excessive activity.

Carlos Vega (cool name)

Hi Luke!! what’s up?

Please, can I ask you a question? I need your help about an english issue…

Take a look please:

1) I’ve got several fruits in the kitchen, such as apples, oranges, bananas,…

2) I’ve got several fruits in the kitchen, for example apples, oranges, bananas,…

3) I’ve got several fruits in the kitchen, for instance apples, oranges, bananas,…

My question is: are all them correct sentences?? If so…which one would you use?? (I mean, as a native speaker, which one is the most common??)

Thanks in advance, I’m really following your podcasts as I told you on my last email, good job man.

Cheers from Barcelona…Spain :p

lloydo commented on Messing Around with Accents and Voices

I love talking about accents with my students. As a Canadian I like to point out how my English is different from Standard American – which from the point of view of a Brit probably isn’t that big. It’s also pretty interesting to talk about what you can learn about a person from their accent; there is actually quite a lot! It’s also great to get them thinking about accents in their own language too.

Hi, I’m Chiara from Italy and I NEED to improve my english because my boyfriend leave Italy to stay in Ireland. So I think this is a nice way to try to reduce the “distance” :) thank you!

Somebody left a comment on your episode:Some more minutes talking about Bob Dylan music and so on would have been great. Not so bad the idea of English Anxiety Podcast :-) Thanks both for the episode.

Somebody left a comment on your episode:

Hey Luke, this has been really an interesting and different kind of podcast. When you said that there is probably someone out with that profile I thought it could be me becouse a few weeks ago I had a dream in wich you appeared. I dont know why I was in your flat and I dont know why I had the flat´s key either. I just remember that you were there with your girlfriend and we had a normal conversation ( but it was kinda strange becouse we talked to each other as we have met before when it wasnt really like that ). I think I had that dream becouse sometimes I listen to your podcast before I go to bed. But definitely Im not the person from your profile lol. Take care Luke.

Hi teacher Luke, My name’s Diego Lucas and I really want to thank you for all your videos on youtube, they are all very usefull to me.

Teacher, I really want to understand why sometimes I can understand every single word that you speak and it’s so hard to understand people that speak to you on your videos.

Greeting from Brazil, Sao Paulo.

Hello Luke,

I’m Thomas, Frenchman currently settled in China, I’m from Lille, maybe you heard of it since it’s not far from England. I’m moving to the English-speaking part of Canada next year and try to improve my English by listening Pod casts , series, reading novels or  using any material I can find through the internet.  I stumbled upon yours today and really appreciate it, I’ll recommend it to all my English learning Chinese friends, keep up the good work, please. I can fairly well understand English but never have the chance to speak it. During my first weeks in Canada, I’m going to stay in a farm where I’ll work as a volunteer, I want to make a good first impression  and I fear not to be able to socially interact properly. How to use words in English to sound polite, how to make jokes, what is culturally acceptable to joke about without sounding like a jerk. There are that kind of nuances in my own language and I’m sure it’s the same in English. Do you what I mean ?

Hi Luke,

I am a teacher of English in Russia and I’d like to thank u for the podcasts I can use at my lessons.

I wonder how u find time for such lots of work. Are u married?

Best regards,

Igor

Hi Dear Luke.

First of all I would like to say thank you. I started listening to your podcast.

I’ve found very useful your podcast for me.

I have some question for you:

– Where is your school located. Is your school as language schools – St Giles International or Malvern House?

– Do you have a private English lesson via Skype? If you have, how much does it cost per hour?

www.londonenglishclasses.com – This is my friend Martin Aaron’s website. He offers Skype lessons. Check him out if you’re interested.

Somebody left a comment on your episode:i’m going to use your podcast to do some grammar dictation and challenge my FCE students a bit. Great work! Thank you.
Somebody left a comment on your episode:Hi
Somebody left a comment on your episode:Enter your comment

Hi Luke,

I’m Nina from Germany. I started listening to your podcast because I wanted to improve my (spoken) english. English is one of my – I don’t know how you call it, but I’d say “main subject” in school, I have it 4 times a week.(and I’m going to take my A-Levels in it and maths)

Besides I just really like London and the UK and I’d love to have an british accent ;)

Well, I wondred if you could do something about Harry Potter?

I’m a huge fan and I think it’s just so british.

A podcast about Harry Potter or about what you brits think about it would be great.

Thank you and keep on with your good work,

Nina

Somebody left a comment on your episode:I’m laughing… You’ve made me happy, Luke. You’ve achieved your aim all right!

It’s me again

Sorry, I forgot something:

A podcast about style or british designers (I love Burberry) would be nice too.

And I think it would be really interesting to hear which prejudices there are about Germans, Frenchmen,…. in the UK or what people imagine a “typical” German etc. to be/act/ look like.

Now that’ all. I won’t annoy again ;),

Nina

Dmitry

I think past perfect sentences are easier to understand than present perfect. :)

I got on a train today in the morning and I saw a girl which was sitting alone. I realised that I had never met such a beautiful girl in my whole life. I came closer and said to her – HELLO! :)

Somebody left a comment on your episode:hi Luke, great job! Only a question: why i can understand your speaking and i cannot understand other people speaking (for example people in London interwievs)??
Thomas left a comment on your episode:you’re not going to tell us exactly how you open your trousers…? What a pity! :)
Somebody left a comment on your episode:Fortunately, I came this site not because I placed my coffee on my laptop….it’s intentional.. I really want to listen to. …and I’m not in the gym, too..I think I’m probably relaxing?hmm..

About the sick in Japan episode

Somebody left a comment on your episode:Wow, thank God you’re alive teacher Luke! I wouldn’t be able to hear such a bizarre but wonderful story of yours if…. Anyway, when my grandfather had a liver disease, He never recovered until he died a few years from now. I don’t know how the disease was called but it seemed that his liver shrunk. The doctor said there was a lot of holes in it and he kept on releasing blood. And so, my grandmother who was as drunkard as my grandpa was, decided to stop drinking even though she can’t help it sometimes….. I’ve been to taiwan (shortly, just 5 days) and the only problem I had there was that I got dandruff in my head.. gladly, my scalp returned to normal when I got home. Maybe it was just because of the shampoo…I don’t know. Just as I live in a hot country ( I mean, the weather is hot), the Philippines, we just normally put lotion on exposed skin with higher spf.. and use umbrella most of the time.. I had a great time listening to the podcast! Not only was it entertaining but there are also some note-worthy things like those related in medicine… Thank you teacher Luke! ( btw, i said that in british accent!) ;)

Somebody left a comment on your episode:

Thanks Luke for sharing such an interesting experience, at times your report sounds kind of a fight for survival! For some reason it’s more amusing to tell not so nice travel experiences rather than the good ones :-) I spent a month volunteering in a Gloucestershire farm two years ago, leaving Italy with a few stitches on my shoulder. A nurse in the farm removed them but she wasn’t so confident and eventually said: “You’d better go to a clinic”. I feared an infection since I felt pain, anyway it was nothing serious. Something similar may happen when you travel off the beaten track, but it’s definitely worth it! By the way, antibiotics are useless and even harmful for mononucleosis, that’s why you had a rash.

evgenia derevnina left a comment on your episode:

It’s 4 a.m here in Irkutsk. Outside around 15 degrees below zero. I can’t sleep (too much energy probably) So instead of wasting time rolling over in bed, decided to listen to another Luke’s podcast. Thank you again Luke that we have you.

evgenia derevnina left a comment on your episode:

This is a great real life episode! Luke must be a very brave person to have got through all this experience. It’s just impossible to stay calm while listening to it. Man! It was hard! Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. Be healthy and happy in all your lives! I remember once staying in India in may, in a valley of Kangra District. It was about +40C or more, very hot and humid, I noticed you can’t even think properly in such heat. some friends slept on the roofs at night, but it didn’t help anyway. There was no air-conditioning, just fans in the rooms. Don’t know why I just kept on drinking hot tea with milk,it felt good drinking hot tea while the air was hot too.

Cheers.

Hi Luke,

I’ve just started to listen your podcast and I’m very grateful to you for the work you’ve done. About the podcast n 2, I’ve found really difficult to understand the meaning of some sentences said by you and your father during your interview; especially when you use expressions like these: Mind you you do see (why here Rick uses do + verbs)

Luke! One of my friend who is an english speaker said, “i am going back to ‘me’ home.”

Is that wrong? because he is native speaker so…

Thx!

Billy

Somebody left a comment on your episode:Please, how can I download the podcast. I liked it so much.

LENA

Somebody left a comment on your episode:A very shrewd analytical piece, funnily presented,capturing and rib-tickling in some places.The key words – champagne, a smell of perfume and urine,water in gutters, fresh bread aroma,car sirens, morning sunlight,stone colors – all these refer to senses rather than to mind and give a very insightful and penetrating picture. It was a pleasure.
Somebody left a comment on your episode:Enter your comment
Somebody left a comment on your episode:i m from pakistan keep it up luke..

Hi Luke,

What’s meaning of “half 12”?

I know American got anyother way to say it, but what is it?

thanks!!

Billy

 Zahid

Hi Luke

sorry to disturb you. i just to want to ask u a question.Which is the correct sentence.?

who do you live with?

or

whom do you live with?

I am a bit confused about the use of who and whom.

Thanks

 

luke,

In what situation will you use ‘he don’t’ instead of ‘he doesn’t’?

Thanks a lot!

Billy

Somebody left a comment on your episode:help me speak english please Luke

Somebody left a comment on your episode:

Brillant!!!! Very nice episode, I enjoyed every second!!! Thanks!!

Somebody left a comment on your episode:Faux pas= literally means “misstep”. Faux means something wrong, a mistake,”pas” means step…

Super Luke!! How’re you?

Still podcasting?? I’m still on my way to improve my english, so listening to your podcasts in between of doing CAE exams! Also reading some grammar…actually I wanted to ask you if you could help me with some short issues, please? I’d be very pleased if you do that Luke since I’m not attending any lessons in my city, I’m just studying on my own! (I think at certain level is much better and fast to study in that way…anyway I’ll go to some lessons maybe 1 or 2 month before the CAE exam)

1) Well…first af all I’ve read a sentence like this:

NEITHER MARGARET NOR JOHN WAS THERE

Question: Why ‘was’ and not ‘were’? Margaret and John…two people…so should be ‘were’ no? (no because it’s ‘neither – nor’)

2) Which one would be the correct preposition after the verb TO BE FED UP??

3) in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, at night, at midday……ARE ALL THEM CORRECT?

Hanouf left a comment on your episode:

You don’t mind if try to add to your list of expressions do you? How about saying: Mind how you go as a way to say bye. 

 

Dear “Mister. Bean”, I’m delighted reading your Paris notes! Do you teach only English? Don’t you teach English Literature or Philosohpy? You’ve got a nice sense of humour and you are just a very good person. Have you read something from Russian Literature? (Olga)

NEW TRANSCRIPTS AVAILABLE from Crista Bartels and other listeners. Episodes 1-6 are now fully transcribed, and a lot of other episodes. Keep checking the blog for more transcripts in the future.

Hello Luke,

It is me, Andrew again, one of the student addicted to your podcasts.

I found having transcript or at least more difficult phrases indispensable part of my method of learning English which is:

1. listening to the material at least twice

2. writing down everything exactly what is said there

3. reading aloud following the speaker, sentence after sentence

4. moving useful words, phrases, expressions, sentences etc. to SuperMemo application

5. and of course trying to used all of that stuff during lessons with my local teacher of English, who is really great too.

Thank you for your really great job. I appreciate it very much.

— Best wishes,

Andrzej

It’s now been 11 days since ZAHID sent you an ecard.

Luis commented on What is this?

Hi Luke!!! This is Luis from Spain.
I just arrive to London two months ago, and i have been listening the people, they usually use a lot of verbs ended with up or off…
Could you please make a podcast with the most common verbs that you use ending with up, off,down…?
Thank you so much
Great work

Hello, Luke

How are you?  Are you in England with your family or in France?  Wherever you are, a happy new year!

The last three or four months, I have not be able to make donation due to Japanese law (they say).  Every time I try to, they say:  PayPal does not currently support Donation Payments from buyers in JP. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

Actually, it is extremely inconvenient!!  I would appreciate if you give me some advice of any other way to donate, so that I can support you and enjoy your wonderful podcast.  Many Japanese must have this kind of problem, I guess.  Please help us to make a donation.

With best regards,

moriya

I am writing just to thank you for doing the Luke’s English Podcast!

Sometimes I focus so much on the listening that I start smiling or even laughing with my headphones on, while no one around knows what is going on. Then I feel a bit stupid because some people start looking at me like I was a freak or something :D

But whatever…I will keep listening because it’s just fun!

Best regards,

Michaela

listener from Prague, Czech Republic

Daniel commented on Who is Luke?

Hi,
I enjoy your lessons and would like to donate as you actually deserve it.
Unfortunately I’m unable to find where is the link with Paypal in your site.
Could you help me please ?
Daniel
An elder english learner and lover.

New comment on your post “Episode 4 – Joaquin Phoenix”

Author : gerardo

URL :

Whois : http://whois.arin.net/rest/ip/186.79.136.177

Comment:

Hello. I’m gerardo from Chile ;) I was wondering what’s the difference between he may have an emotional problem and he may be having an emotional problem ;) that’s it thanks for your podcasts ;))) bye

hi luke, just wanna ask how do you read the word “negotiation”? ne-go-she-a-tion or ne-go-c-a-tion?

THX

billy

*Billy always asks me very quick and very specific questions. They’re pretty easy for me to answer, so he usually gets a response. If you do ask me a question, make it quick and specific. Very long and very open questions are much less likely to get responses. I don’t have time to write an essay. Please don’t ask me questions like “How do I  improve my pronunciation?” – it’s too big a question to get a response from me, know what I mean?

Hello

I like your podcasts very much and i have a question about learning english.

You said Try to speak in english with people more.

Could you recommend me a website where i can speak with other people in english (voice chat) ?

Best wishes

Gábor

http://www.sharedtalk.com/ (If anyone else knows any good sites for this, please leave comments below ;)

    • Hello Teacher Luke
    • First of all , you are totally the man. You totally rule. Thanks for your great podcast.
    • Second, you mentioned in a recent podcast “Maybe your name is Jose and maybe you want to speak like me” or something like that. You got it right. My name is Jose and I would really like to speak like you do.
    • Thirdly. I was practising my english the other day and a phrase came up: “One of the most Interesting things that have happened to me” My question is , is it have happened or has happend, I googled it but I found examples of both, How a londoner would say it?
    • Thanks again. Cheers.
  • Luke’s English Podcast
    • Ah ha! I knew someone called Jose would be listening to the podcast! Nice to hear from you.
    • And it’s ‘has’ in that sentence.

Luca Ricci

Hi, I’ve got a question about the use of “ain’t”.

I’ve noticed that you never use it in your podcasts and i don’t remember to have heard it from any of your guests.

In some website I’ve read that it represents an american semi-unpolite grammar form and it should be better not to use it. What do you think about that?

125. The Pink Gorilla Story

An improvised funny story about an encounter with a massive pink animal. Transcript available below.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download.
Listen to Luke tell you a rather bizarre story about an adventure involving a pink gorilla and a number of other characters. I recommend that you listen to the story several times as a way of enjoying and understanding it more. There is a full transcript to this episode below.

In this episode I decided to improvise a story. To improvise something means to just make it up on the spot, without planning or preparing in advance. It is quite challenging and fun for me to improvise stories like this. I hope you enjoy it and realise that it is great listening practice for you.

Do you Want to skip the introduction?

The story begins after 15mins. There is a long, rambling introduction and then the story begins at 16:20

I use a variety of expressions, accents and verb forms in the episode. As you listen, try to spot some English which might be useful for you.

***There is some SWEARING in the story. I apologise if you find that offensive. You should remember that swearing (using rude words) is VERY RUDE in the WRONG SITUATIONS! Don’t swear in English class, in job interviews, in front of priests, when you are in polite company or if you meet the Queen, etc. Swearing is ok with your close friends, in private or when you’re playing football. Aaaaalright? ;)

I hope you enjoy the story. Speak to you soon. Bye bye bye! (TRANSCRIPT BELOW)

Language Extracts with Vocabulary (thanks to Jack) – TRANSCRIPT BELOW THIS LIST

Maybe it causes a rift in space time continuum.
Have you just woken up?
Get a grip !
I’d like to book a table for two please.
I’d like it to book a table for tomorrow evening.
That’s why now I can’t get my head together !
I’ll go to Burger King, nevermind !
We do burgers here.
You are incapable of dealing with the booking so I’m leaving.
To turn up
Lets say the police overheard you talking about puppies.
Can I make an inquiry as to the nature of this rendezvous?
I think you’ll find that that contravenes section 134 of the puppies act.
I’m going to have to put you under arrest.
Police are going to take them away.
It is kind of random bollocks.
In the light of the fact that I won this competition.
…..Academic director, Publishing director, who is checking out the public blog.
Let’s see some of the pedagogical techniques that he’s using in his podcast.
What new approaches to teaching methodologies are being used.
Maybe this is a new revolutionary method of teaching English as a foreign language.
Just sort of stream of consciousness – English jazz cakes.
One of the objectives….
The ‘Rotary sushi bar of English’….
It doesn’t mean that I can just give up my day job.
I still have to try and find windows of time in my otherwise busy life.
That’s kind of a bit of justification……
Improvised
I’m making it up as I go along.
I’ve been speaking for the last 15 mins.
I’m going to try and throw in some characters into the story.
It’s just completely made up (story)
I hit some hard times.
Can I have a word with you?
We are going to have to let you go.
Give them regular feedback
A general rule of thumb
I was devastated
It’s been a pleasure teaching you.
I’ve been fired.
How? On foot probably.
The Mafia
Gangsters
Screw this guy!
Moving one foot in front of the other.
Subtle movements…..
The corner of the Oxford Street.
London’s famous attractions.
I couldn’t afford to visit.
Walked along the street.
As far as I know, you can’t really eat anything with your eyes.
Mushrooms
Spaghetti
Walk out of the supermarket.
Nothing to see here.
Until eventually I was desperate.
I would sit on the streets.
Can you spare me 10p governor, for a cup of tea ?
May be a chimney sweep?
He had a monocle
He came up to me
He approached me.
You seem desperate and tired.
I think it’s good to be on first name terms with homeless people.
Come with me to my mansion.
Don’t misunderstand Luke.
Maybe we should introduce ourselves and get acquainted.
I wasn’t being rude.
Swear words.
Rude, aggressive communicative styles.
I was just adapting my teaching style for my class.
Moustache, monocle and a hat.
It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
I’m a collector of rare endangered animal species.
Let’s get in the taxi and let me show you my hairy animals.
Put your seatbelt on please.
Big mansion in north London, strap in !
I’ve been eating bananas….
We went past various sites in London.
As we drove past…..
I overhead all of this
This is a momentous moment in history.
I thought I didn’t have a chance.
We walked in the back of the studio…..
You must make two promises to me. Two promises which you must keep.
I can’t emphasize this point more seriously.
To be honest, I’m already getting curious about the animal at the end of the corridor.
Yes, I’m positive.
Are you certain?
Let’s move on with the story.
Leopard with no spots – I think it was a puma.
Zebra
Duck with a round head with no beak on the end.
What on earth could be behind this curtain !
I started to move the curtain back.
Sleeping upstairs in the loft.
I hadn’t seen one of those for donkey’s years.
Coin operated arcade machine
I put a coin in.
Never mind ! never mind ! Just google it.
The cages were so clean by the time I finished; you could see your own reflection on the floor.
There was this cage at the end of the corridor tempting me just by its presence.
I know you are fascinated.
But I resisted the temptation.
I wanted to move the curtains aside.
I didn’t do nothing.
I tip toed down the stair.
Tip toed through the basement.
I was absolutely stunned !
I couldn’t believe my eyes !
As pink as a lobster.
The fur of the gorilla looked so fine and so soft. I just really felt the urge to reach through the cage and touch its fur.
You have investigated enough.
I slept like a baby.
It doesn’t mean that I cried during the night and pissed myself – No.
Daniel was there whistling.
I’ve got to have another look.
Right there at the bars of the cage.
He held out his hand to me.
Gorilla was smiling at me with his big teeth.
To hell with the consequences !
I reached out my hand and touched the gorilla.
I touched him briefly on the back of the hand.
It was like a fur of the unicorn.
…….he did somersaults.
He started to pull / bend the bars open.
I ran out of the mansion.
I didn’t bother to get my stuff.
I could hear his steps pounding on the ground as he chased after me through the mansion.
I ran like my life depended on it.
I was sure this gorilla was gonna rip my head off !
I ran into the street.
I ran down the street.
May be I lost him
I took a left turn down an alleyway.
He was sprinting down the road after me.
I jumped on the bicycle.
I bombed down the hill.
Flying down the hill on the BMX bicycle.
I jumped onto the bus.
I acted all nonchalant.
He’ll lose me and wouldn’t notice.
He was smashing cars out of his way.
I nearly soiled my trousers.
I jumped out of the bus.
I dived into the underground.
I got up to the gates.
Couldn’t you have looked for your oyster card before you got here?
Managed to get down onto the platform.
Jumped on the train….
If I change at green park onto the Victoria line and I take the Victoria line sort of north bound and then go to Tottenham Hale. And from Tottenham hale I can jump on the overland which would take me to stansted airport.
Walked through the streets….
I kind of walked leisurely…..
On the tracks next to the train.
Train was going along the tracks.
He just mouthed – ” I’m gonna get you!”
Do you mind if I ask you what are you doing?
I’m mug him off !
I’m gonna get that geezer called Luke!
I went to the bank to borrow some money.
Would you like to take a seat?
How can I help you?
I’d like to borrow some money.
Well Luke, I’m sure you realize we can’t simply lend you all the money.
You are a humorous gentleman. You like to have a laugh.
If I wanted to I could make you say and do anything I wanted !
I think you are making it up.
You are gonna speak like a scouser.
All the money in 20 pound notes is a lot
How about a debit card?
He has nearly caught up with me now.
Out in the street again.
Got myself a coffee
I drank that.
Flying towards me on a skateboard.
I escaped down the street towards the airport on a scooter.
Got to the counter.
How did you know that I had all the money! Never mind that Luke! Never mind!
They don’t even let you bring water onto the plane.
Jumped onto the plane.
The plane taxied out on the run way.
I couldn’t be safer!
I’m flying to a new exotic location.
On the wing of airplane…..
The pink gorilla was holding onto the wing of the airplane.
Looking at me; staring at me; smiling with his big teeth.
He’s managed to catch up with me.
I managed to jump onto an iceberg.
Looked over my shoulder….
I jumped off the iceberg and jumped on another iceberg. And I kept jumping from iceberg to iceberg…..
He jumped over onto the iceberg and walked up towards me.
He extended his hand again…..
He just tapped me on the arm.
Tag ! You’re it !
Pink gorilla was just competitive, he just enjoyed playing games.
Why did I touch him in the first place!
I wish I had never done it in the first place.
So I stood up picked my self off the ground, brushed the snow off my trousers and I thought : Right ! I’m gonna get that gorilla !
I saw the pink gorilla getting onto the plane and so I leapt onto the wing. And the plane took off into the sunset.
And you’ve been listening to it ladies and gentleman.
May be there are aspects to the story I didn’t deal with. In which case…….
You have been listening to Luke’s English podcast.

TRANSCRIPT

The Pink Gorilla Story
by Luke Thompson
Transcript sent in by Andrzej from Poland – thank you Andrzej!
You’re listening Luke’s English Podcast. For more information visit teacherluke.podomatic.com. (now teacherluke.co.uk)
Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Luke’s English Podcast. I’m saying ‘Good morning’ because it’s the morning here where I am. While I’m recording this it’s the morning. Maybe it’s not the morning where you are. It could be, well, one of the other times of the day, maybe the afternoon or the evening or just the middle of the night. If it’s not the morning where you are then, you know, maybe, you know, you could just pause this and then wait until it is the morning and then just press play again so that when I say ‘Good morning’ to you at the beginning it makes sense. Okay? So, you could just do that because I don’t know what happens if someone says ‘good morning‘ to you when it’s not the morning. I don’t know what happens does…. Maybe the space time…, maybe it causes a rift in the space time continuum or something a bit like in ‘Back to the Future II’ and just all, everything kind of goes all wrong in space-time. If then that happens or just nothing happens at all. Perhaps someone just says to you ‘Good morning’ it’s not the morning. It’s the afternoon. We’ve just woken up, get a grip or something like that. But I think that’s probably the extend of it. I don’t think it’s more serious than that. Okay Luke, what are you talking about? Let me just say ‘Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night. Thank you very much for listening. I’m going to bed now. It’s been a pleasure, really has. Good night .’ No, no, no. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Of course, right, when you greet someone you can say ‘Good morning’, right? It’s like ‘Hello’. ‘Morning’. ‘Morning’. You can say ‘Good afternoon’. ‘Afternoon’. ‘Good afternoon’. ‘Good afternoon’. ‘How are you’. ‘I’m fine, thanks’. And you can say ‘Good evening’, right? So, ‘Good evening’. Would you say that… Would you say that to a friend? ‘Good evening’. Yes. If you went into a restaurant you might say
– Good evening. I’d like to book a table for two, please.
– Certainly sir. When would you like to book your table?
– Well, I’d like to book it for tomorrow evening, please.
– OK, how many people?
– Just, well, two. I did say two earlier on.
– That’s right, you did, didn’t you.
– Yes, so, can I just book the table please? I don’t have much time.
– Yes, certainly sir. How many people was it for?
– Two! Two! I’ve just said it! Twice now.
– OK. Sorry. You know, I’m very busy. I’ve had a very busy day. My brain isn’t working properly plus earlier on this afternoon someone said ‘Good morning’ to me and it confused me for the rest of the day. That’s why now I can’t get my head together but anyway, yes, you want to book a table. OK. How many people?
– Two people! For Christ’s sake. OK, look, I’ll go to Burger King. It’s all right. Never mind.
– Well, that’s, you know, that’s not necessary. We do burgers here.
– No, no, really, you are incapable of dealing with the booking so, I’m leaving.
– Well, sorry sir. You know, do come back. Come back another time perhaps.
…For example, OK? But you can say ‘Good morning’, ‘Good afternoon’, ‘Good evening’ but if you say ‘Good night’, that’s what you say before you go to bed, isn’t it, so, if you kind of meet someone at night ‘Good night’, then you have to immediately just turn around and go to bed, don’t you? Ha, ha, ha! Yes. So, don’t make that mistake listeners. Don’t, when you greet someone at night, don’t say ‘Good night’ as a way of saying hello. I don’t know why you’re meeting someone at night. What are you doing? What is this kind of secret meeting, secret night-time meeting you’re doing? I don’t know. Are you meeting someone to, maybe, I don’t know, maybe you’re, you know, buying something. You could be buying some illegal DVDs or something like that. You can imagine that sort of turning up
– All right. Yeah, all right. So, you’ve got the… You’ve got the stuff?
– Yeah, yeah, I’ve got the stuff. I’ve got it right here.
– Yeah, the stuff, right? You know, you know what I’m talking about, don’t you.
– Yeah, the stuff, of course, of course I know what you’re talking about… yeah.
– I just wanna make sure. What exactly do you mean by stuff here?
– What do we mean by stuff? We’re talking about… we’re talking about the puppies, right?
– Puppies? No, I’m not… I don’t wanna buy puppies. No, I wanna buy the DVDs.
– Oh right, yeah, of course! Well, of course, yes! I used ‘puppies’ as a code word for DVDs. You know, sometimes I call them ‘puppies’ because it seems a bit safer.
– Really? Are you sure? You’re sure that that’s a safe code word? Because if, let say, the police overheard you talking about dealing puppies I think they might be a bit concerned by that as well and then might follow you. In fact… in fact they have followed you and here they are. Great. Well done. You’re not very good at being secretive, are you?
So, then the police arrive (sirens, brakes)
– Excuse me gentlemen, can I enquire… can I make an enquiry as to the nature of this rendezvous in the middle of the night?
That’s a police officer.
– Yes officer. We were just meeting to… I was just buying some puppies from this guy.
– Buying puppies, oh I see. Well, I think you find that that contravenes section 134 of the Puppies Act which states that it is illegal to purchase or sell puppies after midnight. And so sir, I’m gonna have to put you under arrest. I can’t remember that phrase that I’m supposed to say. I think it goes something like ‘Please, remember that anything you do say can be taken against you in a court of law. You’re under arrest.’ Please, follow me down to the police station and bring the puppies because they’re cute. They might be quite nice to look at in the police station.
OK, right, so, that’s it. I’ve been arrested so, good night ladies and gentlemen. Thanks very much for listening and I’m now gonna go to jail or prison as you might say. Jail or prison. Let’s hope, let’s hope I’ve got a good lawyer and they can get me out of this mess. My dealer, my DVD dealer just ran away. They weren’t interested in him because I was the one who had the puppies. I didn’t even give him the money. He just gave me the puppies so, I guess I’ve got some puppies now but I think the police are gonna take them away. What are you talking about Luke?! I know you are thinking ‘What is happening in this episode? This is kind of random bollocks .’ Well, yeah, it is kind of random bollocks. Maybe that’s what I could call this episode ‘Luke’s Random Bollocks’. Although, I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to name an episode after my bollocks. I just think that’s not a clever move especially, you know, in the light of the fact that recently I’ve won this competition so, I expect… I’m getting more traffic, more people are coming to the site than normal. Probably people who work for Macmillan dictionaries, Cambridge dictionaries maybe Oxford dictionaries they all…, they may be checking me out. You know, these kind of very important people from the world of teaching English as a foreign language. You know, you can imagine some sort of academic director or some publishing director from Cambridge University who, you know, is checking out the Macmillan blog and he says – I see that a some young gentleman named Luke Thompson has won the Macmillan Dictionary Award for Best Blog 2012. Well, I think I shall…, I think I shall investigate this up-and-coming, go-getting podcaster and see what it’s all about. So, let’s have a look at some of the pedagogical techniques that he is using in the podcast. Maybe I can learn what fresh new approaches to teaching methodology are being used here. Hmmm, let’s have a look…OK… teacherluke.podomatic.com… Click. Luke’s Random Bollocks? What’s this?’ Maybe this is a revolutionary new method of teaching English as a foreign language. English through shit. I don’t know. Maybe that’s possible. English through nonsense. It’s… I mean, it could be possible because, I don’t know, it’s new, alright? Actually, I’m sure it’s not new. I’m sure I’m not the first English teacher in the world to just sort of have fun and expect other people to join in and as a result learn a load of stuff that they wouldn’t normally learn from textbooks or from things like the BBC Podcast because they have to be the BBC and they have to do things in a certain way. It has to be correct, has to be sort of slightly unnatural maybe whereas here at Luke’s English Podcast you’re getting the real thing, you’re just getting English as it actually happens, English as it really is spoken, not really edited very much, just sort of stream of consciousness English jazz cakes. I don’t know what that is ‘English jazz cakes’, I just made that up. But that’s… I suppose that’s what you are getting so, I hope that you enjoy my English jazz cakes or my random bollocks.

Hmm… yes, so, there was a point to this podcast and the point, one of the points for this episode, one of my objectives was just to kind of talk randomly like this and see what happens. That’s one of the objectives of the episode but one of the other objectives was to tell you a story, okay, tell you a story.

OK, now, first of all let me get back to the first point talking sort of randomly, talking without preparation. I’ve done episodes like this before without any preparation and for example I did one called ‘The Ice Cream Episode’. I did one called ‘The Cheese Episode’. I did one called, I believe it was called, ‘The Rotary Sushi Bar of English’ and I did ‘The A-Z of Random Nonsense’ so, the advantage of doing episodes like this for me is I don’t have to spend a lot of time in advance preparing lists of vocabulary or preparing scripts or doing research or anything like that. I don’t need to spend time doing that. And that’s good for me because I don’t have a lot of time even though I did win the 2012 award for best blog, and that’s two awards I’ve won now, even though I’ve won two awards in a row it doesn’t mean that I can just give up my day job. It doesn’t mean that I can just move into a huge mansion with a recording studio in it somewhere. I still have to try to find windows of time in my otherwise busy life to record episodes of the podcast. And recently my life has just been really busy. I’ve just had loads of different things going on. I’ve got, obviously, my full-time job, etc., etc. I don’t need to go into its lots of detail because I’ve talked about it before and you’re probably like ‘Yeah, Luke, yeah (yawning). Same old story, yeah, you don’t have much time etc., etc. Just keep talking, please.’ So, okay. So, that’s kind of a bit of justification as to why for me, I like doing these episodes were I don’t prepare and I just talk.

Secondly, it’s kind of fun to have a challenge for me. I like the challenge of having to speak like this without, you know, preparing. For me it’s kind of a challenge. I like the opportunity just to talk and not really know where I’m going to go next. It’s quite fun because I can be creative and I can kind of improvise situations and hopefully create some entertaining stuff for you to listen to.

What else…? Also hopefully it’s kind of engaging to listen to. It should be quite interesting to listen to because, you know, if you…, I must say I’m guilty of this, if you write a script and then read the script it somehow becomes kind of dull and boring. Maybe it’s because English which is written is different to English which is spoken. So, written English, English that’s written in books or magazines or newspapers or blog articles, it has a certain rhythm or certain style to it, which is good for written English, right? But when you actually speak and try to get the attention of people it’s better when it’s just completely improvised because it’s somehow has a bit more drama in it, because you know that the speaker doesn’t really know what he’s gonna say next. So, it’s what’s just happening right now. It’s happening in real time and it makes it more natural sounding. So, that I think is good for you, in fact, for several reasons. One reason it’s good for you is because it sounds more natural so, it’s good practice for you to listen to. It’s just very good practice for you to train your ear to the rhythm and the sound of natural English as it comes out of a person’s mouth. In this case the person is me. And another reason why it is good for you is hopefully it’s just fun. It’s just more fun to listen to and it’s just a laugh, a bit of a laugh. You know what I mean. So, going back, what the other points I was making. My other objective for this episode. My other objective is just to tell you a story and I’m going to start telling the story in a moment. Just as an introduction to the story let me tell you a little bit about it.

OK, so this is a story I’m gonna tell you and I’m… It’s a kind of a challenge for me again. I’m gonna try to tell you a story which… I’ll tell you a story which I hope you will enjoy and basically I haven’t planned this story so I’m making it up as I go along. I hope that you’re gonna find it funny and I think I’m gonna start the story now. Oh yeah. I’m gonna try to make it as long as possible, that’s it. I’m gonna try to make the story as long as I can. Now I’ve been speaking for 15 minutes. Let’s see how long I can make this story. Okay. I’m gonna also try and throw in some characters into the story so you might hear some different accents and different characters but just bear in mind the fact that I’ve got no idea really where the story is going. I’m just making it all up as I go along. So, bear that in mind. If the story doesn’t make a lot of sense then I apologize. It’s because it’s just kind of random bollocks, OK? Hopefully, you’ll enjoy it and hopefully, it will be very good practice for your ears. Okay, so, let’s begin the story, shall we? Yes, let’s begin the story.

Alright. …take a couple of breaths. …to take a deep breath…okay. Are we ready? OK, I’ll start telling the story in just a moment. I hope that you’re sitting comfortably. Maybe you’re standing. Maybe you’re walking. Whatever it is you’re doing, whatever position your body is in I hope it’s comfortable because the story is gonna begin now. Maybe you’re in bed. Maybe you’re lying there and thinking ‘Come on Luke. Tell me some stuff. Make me fall asleep’. Well, that shouldn’t be too difficult because… Yes maybe what I’m gonna say.. well just be so dull and so boring that you’ll be asleep. Maybe you’ve already fallen asleep. That’s quite possible. If you’re driving a car than, you know, I suggest you open your eyes. That’s normally the way it’s done. It’s best generally to open your eyes when you’re in control of a huge metal killing machine. So, please, be careful when you’re driving, okay? If you’re in bed though, you know, you can close your eyes. That’s fine. That is fine unless you want to open them. Maybe you’re scared of the dark. I don’t know. Anyway the story, the story. Here we go. So, I’m going to tell you a story about my life. It’s not true. It’s just made up. OK? Just to be clear. This is completely made up. Right, so…

A few years ago, well, let’s see, a few years ago I was living in London and I hit some hard times. Life got a bit difficult for me. I lost my job because I was just too good at it. My boss said to me – Luke, can I have a word with you, please? – I was in the middle of a lesson at the time. I was teaching. I was saying – So, present perfect tense is a tense which is used when the action is finished possibly but the time period is not finished and also, but, there is an exception to that rule – and my boss just came into the room (knock, knock, knock) – Ehm… excuse me, Luke. Hello everyone, hello class, hello students – The students were like – Hello – because they were Spanish. – Hello Luke, can I have a word with you, please? – And so, I had to say – Sorry class, just, you know, do page 3 of English Grammar in Use. Just do it, OK? Do it! Shut up! Don’t give me any back-chat – Maybe that’s why I lost my job because I used to tell the students to ‘shut up’. Haha! Actually, you know what? I never ever tell my students to ‘shut up’ because as an English language teacher you can’t do that. That’s like one of the worst things you can do. It’s worse to tell the students to ‘shut up’ than it is to tell them to ‘fuck off’, actually. Because ‘shut up’ is just like the rudest thing you can say in a language classroom in my opinion. Anyway. So, I said – OK students. You know what? Just do some work, alright? I’ll be back in a minute. I’ve got to speak to the boss. Obviously he’s got something very important to say to me because I’m kind of big deal around here, OK? So, do some work. See you in a minute –

So, I went out and the boss said to me – Luke, listen, I’m really sorry but we’re gonna have to let you go – I said – What? You’re gonna have to let me go? Yeah, I’m afraid so. We’re gonna have to let you go because, well, quite frankly, you can’t just give students pages from English Grammar in Use and tell them to ‘shut up’ and ‘do it’. You can’t do that! OK? Because… Why not? Why can’t I do that? Well, because… I don’t really know why but I just… I just know, I just know that you can’t do that. I don’t know. My training, years ago told me something about the fact that yeah, ‘you should try to use communicative methods. You should try to engage students in speaking exercises. You should give them regular feedback and just don’t tell them to shut up or fuck off, OK? It’s just a general rule, a rule of thumb for, well, for life. Don’t tell people to shut up or to…, you know.’ So, you know, I’m afraid Luke, we’re gonna have to let you go. So, sorry. Pack your bags. Get out! You’re fired! – So, obviously I was devastated – Oh, my God, I’m fired! I love my job – And then I realised – Wait a minute. I can just do what the hell I want now. Sure, I won’t have money or food but I’ll have my freedom – And so, I went back into class and I said – OK everyone. Well, It’s been a pleasure teaching you. I’ve been Luke Thompson and I still am and I really hope that you learn this language effectively and you go out there and improve the economy, OK? Good luck! I’ve been fired. Don’t, you know, don’t, don’t act too upset about that. Hello!? Are you actually listening?! Hello!? Yeah, I’m going now, OK? I’m going, yeah? Fine. OK, if you don’t care, that’s fine – In fact, there were once the students understood the situation. They were like – What?! You’re going?! Where?! How?! Why?! How?! Well, on foot, probably. Why?! Why?! I’ve been fired. My boss just fired me because I told you to ‘shut up’, remember? Oh, but Luke, you didn’t mean it? It was… Hey, Luke! Hey! – For some reason my students were all from Brooklyn – But Luke, you didn’t mean it? Hey, come on! What’s the matter with you? – All my students were from New York, Brooklyn or the Bronx. They were all Italian Americans which is kinda strange, I know but this is a part of the mafia training programme that they have over there. They have like a special mafia training budget which they can spend on things like, you know, methods of threatening people or money counting techniques and also English lessons. And so, all my students were Latin Italian American gangsters – Hey Luke! What’re you talking about?! Come on! What’s the matter with you?! You’ve been fired? Screw this guy! Who’s this guy, huh?! Come on! – And so, I said – Look guys, I’m really sorry, you know. Good luck with all of the, you know, the assassinations and the robberies and the extortion. Good luck with that, but I’m out of here, OK? See you guys later – And they would like – Hey Luke! Come on! Get out of here! Go out! Go away! – And so, that’s it.

So, I went out into the street, took a breath of fresh air, started coughing because, you know, this was London and the Oxford street, it’s not exactly fresh air, is it. No, it’s not. It’s not really. And so, and that’s it. I had my freedom. So, I just started walking the streets. Just walking around, just walking around, you know, moving one foot in front of the other. Right foot first usually then the left foot and just repeating that motion and sort of… I don’t know quite how we change direction while we’re walking. I think there’s subtle movements of the legs to the left and the right which allows us to turn but I would basically do that a lot of that all over London walking around, looking at the sights, you know. I got to see some of the most amazing sights in London: McDonalds, Starbucks, just the corner of Oxford street, H&M. Just some of London’s most famous attractions. Let’s see what else was there? There was Boot’s the Chemist’s, Marks & Spencer and of course things like Buckingham Palace and Big Ben, the London Eye. All of these things that I just couldn’t afford to actually visit. But I looked at them and I thought ‘This, this Luke, this is London’ and it was because, because I was in London. Yes, now, moving the story on, OK, so, I would, I would move, I would walk around the streets all day and all night just thinking what’s gonna happen to me ‘I’m homeless, I’m hungry’. I would go into supermarkets and just stare at food because I didn’t have any money to buy the food, so, I would stare at all the food on the shelf and just eat, just eat sandwiches with my eyes, you know, I’d just eat them with my eyes. But it wasn’t very satisfying because as you probably know, as you probably have learnt in your life you can’t, you can’t eat sandwiches with your eyes. You can’t really eat anything with your eyes, I think. As far as I know, I think, you can’t eat anything with your eyes but I tried. Oh boy did I try! I tried to eat, you know, mushrooms, spaghetti. Pretty much all the food I tried to eat with my eyes but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t eat any of the food with my eyes, so sometimes I had to steal, I had to steal. You know, I admit it. I was desperate. I was hungry and so, I stole a banana and I would go to the supermarkets and steal bananas. I found the bananas one of the most effective fruit to steal because what you can do is you just take the banana and then as soon as you’ve got the banana in your hand and just pretend that you’re receiving a telephone call. So, you have a banana in your hand and just go (prr, prr) ‘Oh, looks like I’m getting a call here on my yellow mobile phone!’ And then you just sort of bring the banana up to your ear and just start talking ‘Yeah, hello. Yes, yes, yes it’s me. Yes, well, that’s right. How can I help you? This is the banana hot-line. How can I help you? Yes. Yes, I think so. Yes, you should. No. No, you shouldn’t really… No, you shouldn’t really do that with a banana. No. No. No. I know. I know the shape of the banana makes you think that you could do that but seriously you shouldn’t because, well, bananas are a bit too soft, actually, for that despite the shape. That’s too soft so, you shouldn’t do it. No. You shouldn’t put it in there. No. Because it’s too soft. You might not be able to get it out, right? OK. No. No. Put it in your mouth. That’s right. Eat it. Eat it. That’s what you’re supposed to do with the banana. OK? Good’ And then I’d just keep talking like this on the banana phone and walk out of the supermarket with the banana to my ear and all of the staff in the shop would look at me and they would like ‘What’s going on? What’s going on there? Oh, it’s just a man talking on the mobile phone. Nothing to see here’ And I would just walk out of the shop with the banana phone like that and then I would have the banana. But sometimes what I would do I’d forget that it was a banana and I would think that I was making a telephone call. I’d try to call, you know, I’d try to call my parents on the banana and then after half an hour of attempting to make a telephone call on the banana I would realise ‘Oh my God, what am I doing?!’ And then I’d eat the banana. And then I’d be OK. 28:20

So, that’s how I survived. I’d just move from supermarket to supermarket doing the banana phone trick until eventually, you know, I was desperate, you know, I just couldn’t eat bananas anymore. I was sick of them and didn’t matter how many times I tried to call the banana hot-line no one answered because it didn’t exist. It didn’t even exist! It was all in my imagination so, I’d started begging on the streets and I would sit on the street and I would say ‘Excuse me, excuse me sir. Can you spare ten p? I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, you know, I’m a Cockney for some reason now. Can you, can you spare me ten p, governor, for a cup of tea?’ For some reason the Cockney accent helped. People all were like ‘Ah! It’s just a poor young Cockney, maybe a chimney sweep or something and he needs some money because he is, he is hungry. So, excuse me squire, you couldn’t spare a couple of pounds for a dear old Cockney. He’s got nothing, no money to his name’ And they would like give me some money and I’d go down to Marks & Spencer and buy some quality sandwiches. OK, so that’s how I survived.

And one day, one day this strange looking gentleman approached me in the street, strange looking gentleman. He was dressed in, like, a suit. He was dressed in suit with a top hat. He had a monocle. That’s like a, you know, like a pair of glasses but with only one lens and you kind of hold it in your eye. So, he had one of those, he had a monocle and a moustache and a top hat and a suit and he was like a very posh gentleman. And he came up to me and said – Excuse me, young gentlemen. Young beggar  – I was young at the time – Beggar, Mr beggar, I don’t know what your name is. I’m gonna call you Mr beggar. I’m using ‘Mr’ as a polite term of respect. Mr Beggar, how can I help you? You seem hungry. You seem desperate and tired. Would you like a job? – And I said to him – Wow! That’s amazing! First of all my name is Luke. – He said – Ah, Luke. Thank you. Thank you. It’s, it’s… You know, I always think that it is good to be on first name terms with homeless people – And so, I said – I’d love a job. What’s, what’s the job? – He said – Come with me to my mansion in North London and I’ll show you everything – And I said – You’re gonna show me everything?! Like everything?! No, no. Don’t misunderstand Luke. Please don’t misunderstand. I’m gonna show you everything related to this job offer. Ah! Right! OK! Great. Well, let’s go. Let’s go to North London.

So, we immediately… I don’t know… His name was… Let’s see… what was his name. I said to him – Excuse me, just before I agree to accompany you to your mansion maybe we should just introduce ourselves and get acquainted. And I’ll start: hello, my name’s Luke and I’m an English language teacher. I recently got fired because of a misunderstanding. My boss thought I was being rude to my students. Ridiculous! And so, he fired me. It was all a big misunderstanding. I wasn’t being rude. I wasn’t. It was… I don’t know how to explain it because it’s just improvisation. But, you know, I wasn’t being rude. Essentially, it’s because I was teaching Italian mafia bosses English and, you know, you’ve got to communicate them, you’ve got to communicate with them in the language that they understand and that’s often with a lot of swear words, sort of rude, aggressive communicative styles so, I was just, you know, adapting my teaching style for my class. But my boss overheard me telling my students to ‘shut up’ and he fired me. He fired me. He fired me from my job and so, I was on the street. So, that’s my position. I also do a podcast called ‘Luke’s English Podcast’ which won the MacMillan award for best blog in 2011 and in 2012(!) so, you know, I’m good, I’m a good person and I’m nice and… yeah. So, that’s me. My name’s Luke. It’s very nice to meet you. And what about you sir? What’s your name sir, with a moustache and a monocle and a hat? Sir! Please, sir! Please, sir. Sir! What’s your name, sir?! Can you tell me what’s your name is, please, sir?! – And he said – Just Luke please, just give me a chance to speak – Sorry, I forgot I have the posh accent – So, my name is Daniel Lazenby-Smythe, Daniel Lazenby-Smythe. That’s right and I’m very, very posh. I’m quite possibly the poshest man in London and it is a pleasure to make you acquaintance, Mr Luke. Actually, it’s Mr Thompson, Luke Thompson. Ah! I do apologize, Mr Thompson, it’s a pleasure to make you acquaintance.

So, wow, Daniel Lazenby-Smythe, what do you do if you don’t mind me asking? What do you do? Well, Luke, I am a collector. I’m a collector of rare endangered animal species. Wow! Wow! That sounds interesting. Rare endangered animal species. What’s that? What are they? What is it? What are you talking about, Daniel?! Help! Well, rare endangered animal species, what I do is I travel the globe with a huge truck and I travel around and I search for endangered animal species. These are animals which are very rare, animals which are in danger, animals which are under threat. And I collect them and I put them in the back of the van and I take them to London and then I keep them in my mansion. So, wait a minute, Daniel. So, basically, you steal rare animals from other countries? Yes, basically yes, Luke. That’s what I do. I just steal animals. But I’m not sure about the ethics of that. Isn’t that a little bit ethically questionable? Well, you know, you probably do have a point, Luke but… never mind that. Let’s just keep moving forward with the story, shall we? Yeah, good idea. OK. Right. So, let’s get in a taxi and let me show you my furry animals. OK. Great!

So, we got into a taxi (car’s noise) That’s… (car’s noise) got in the taxi (car’s noise) and, you know, I started doing this (car’s noise) and Daniel said to me – Luke, why, why are you making that strange noise? (car’s noise) Because, well, isn’t that what you do when you get into a taxi? You know, you sit down, you put your sit belt on, you tell the driver where you want to go ‘The mansion, please. The big mansion in North London’ and the driver goes Right you are, governor. Big mansion in North London. Here we go. Strap in’ and then you go (car’s noise), don’t you? – And Daniel said – No. No, Luke. No. That’s really… That’s not necessary to be honest with you. Not necessary at all – And I said – Well, Daniel, this is my story. I can do what the hell I want. It’s my story. Fine, fine, Luke. Yes, you go ahead. You sit there in a taxi, next to me making a noise like a crazy person and fine. You just do whatever you want to do. If you think that it’s right, go ahead. After all you did win those awards and everything so you must know what you’re doing. I do, Daniel, I do. I know what I’m doing even though I’ve got fired from my job and I’ve been eating bananas and pretended that they’re telephones and things like that, but I know what I’m doing, OK? Trust me, I’m an English teacher .

OK, so (car’s noise) off we went to the mansion and we went past various impressive sights in London, driving along the roads. We drove past Abbey Road Studios because that’s in North London and as we drove past I noticed there were The Beatles, The Beatles were just standing there outside the studio. All four of them! That’s right. Even John Lennon despite the fact he is actually dead, in this story he was there. He was actually there. So the four Beatles were there and… let’s see… Ringo was there. Ringo was saying – OK then Beatles, let’s go into the studio and record a new album – And Paul was like – OK, all right John, Ringo, George (Ooooh!) let’s go into the studio, shall we, and record a new album – And George was sort of saying, let’s see, George – OK, Paul, if you want us to go into the studio we’ll go into the studio. If you don’t want us to go in, we won’t go in – And Paul was – You know, actually, George, I think we should go into the studio because (Ooooh!) it’ll be, it’ll be great, you know, it’ll be like, you know, Sergeant Pepper – And then John said – OK, McCartney, I think you’ve got a good idea. Let’s go into the studio and record us another album – And, so, I overheard all of this as I went past Abbey Road Studios in the taxi and I just watched them walking into the studio and I thought ‘Oh my God, this is a momentous moment, if that’s possible. This is a momentous moment in history. The Beatles have got back together. John Lennon has come back from the dead. They’re going into the studio. They’re going to record a new album. This is amazing’ But I didn’t really have a chance to stop the taxi and go into the studio and listen to the music. I thought I didn’t have a chance. It turns out I did because I said to Daniel – Daniel! Daniel! Wait! Let’s turn around the taxi. I just saw The Beatles going into the studio to record a new album, a new Beatles album. We’ve got to go and listen – And Daniel said – Well, certainly Luke, after all this is your story. You can do whatever the hell you want and I’m sure you will – And so, we turned around the taxi. We went back to the studio and we walked in and… just… sort of walked into the back of the studio and sat down got ready to listen to genius in action and this is what we heard:

Singing, singing a song
Beatles, we’re the Beatles
And we’re geniuses
We haven’t lost our talent at all
Because we’re still The Beatles, genius

And then I thought ‘Is that it? Is that, is that what they’re recording? That is terrible! How on Earth, how on Earth could they expect that to be successful?’ – And so, we just left because it was so rubbish. Obviously, they’d just lost it. They’d lost all their talent somewhere along the line so… Anyway, we got back into the taxi, went to the mansion. So, we got to the mansion and Daniel Lazenby-Smythe said – OK Luke – in a posh voice – OK Luke, what I’m going to do now is I’m going to show you my collection of endangered animals. OK? But you must make two promises to me, two promises which you must keep. Promise number one is that you do not touch any of the animals and promise number two is you definitely don’t touch the animal in the cage at the end of the corridor. OK? Don’t touch the animal in the cage at the end of the corridor. I can’t emphasise this point more seriously. Please, don’t touch any of the animals especially the one in the cage at the end of the corridor – and I thought ‘OK’ – All right Daniel, I agree to your terms. I won’t touch any of the animals especially the animal at the end of the corridor. Now, to be honest, I’m already getting curious about the animal at the end of the corridor and I’m sure that the listeners are getting curious about it too. Listeners, Luke? What are you talking about? Listeners, there’re people listening to this. There’re People, People listening to this?! Are you sure? Yes, I’m positive. I get two to three thousand downloads every day. A lot of people in the world listen to this. Lots of people listen to this? Are you…, are you certain? It seems like absolute meaningless crap. Luke, are you sure? Yep, I’m sure. People love this stuff. OK? So, just, yeah. Anyway, people are listening so, please, let’s move on with the story. Yes, yes, OK. Don’t touch any of the animals especially… Yeah, I’ve got it. …the one at the end of the corridor. Fine!

OK – So, we went downstairs. We went into the mansion. We went downstairs into the basement and that’s where he kept his zoo, his zoo of endangered animals, and he showed me… He showed me all the animals. There was a kind of a three-headed zebra, three-headed zebra. That’s right. There was a leopard which had no spots. A leopard, of course, is a kind of a big cat. So, leopard with no spots. I think it was a puma to be honest. There was also a duck without a beak, a duck without a beak. Poor thing, but it looked strange. Who really did it. Was it like a duck? But just like a round head with no beak on the end. Pretty weird. All sorts of amazing animals and then finally we got to the end of the corridor and there was a cage at the end with black curtains covering the cage so I couldn’t see what was inside. I couldn’t see but I… I kind of approached the curtains and I listened and I could hear heavy breathing (breathing, snoring). Then that I thought ‘Oh my God, what is in there? I can’t wait to see it’ (breathing, snoring, whistling, mutter, singing “Love me do”) ‘What on Earth could be behind this curtain? This is amazing’ so, I started to move the curtain back, started to move the curtain back because I wanted to see what kind of weird animal was inside this cage. What kind of fantastic creature could there be in there? I started to move the curtain and Daniel Lazenby -Smyth noticed me, said – Luke! Stop! Stop! Do not move the curtain! Do not move the curtain! – So, I said – OK, Sorry Daniel, sorry – And he said – Right, with that I think we should go to bed – And I said – Really? We’re gonna go to bed? Yes, let’s go to bed – And I said – Well, I didn’t realise that that was a part of the deal. I didn’t realise that that’s what we’d have to do. No Luke, No, you misunderstand. I’ve… You’ve got your own bedroom. Oh God! Thanks God for that! No Luke, you’ve got your own bedroom. You’ll be sleeping upstairs in the loft. I’ll be sleeping in my bedroom, which is in another wing of the house. Nothing to worry about – So, with that we went to our bedrooms and everything. I went upstairs and there was my room. It was fantastic. It was great. There was like a big comfortable bed and an arcade machine in the corner, an old Street Fighter II arcade machine. I hadn’t seen one of those for donkey’s years. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen a Street Fighter II arcade machine so, I went over and there on the side there was a pile of coins which Daniel had thoughtfully left for me and a note, a note written in Daniel’s handwriting. And it said
Luke,
I know that you’re a big fan of computer games and so I’ve left you this coin operated arcade machine of Street Fighter II Championship Edition and here’re some coins so you can play the game.
So, I put the coins in, I put a coin in and started playing, and I, you know, it asked me to choose my fighter. I chose Ken because he’s the best. And so, I started playing (game’s noises). If you don’t know what I’m talking about this is a… this is a computer game, a famous computer game called Street Fighter II. And I played Street Fighter II for ages. (Ha-Do Ken!) is what one of the characters says. Yes. I’m not gonna talk about that because it’s boring for most of you because I expect most of you have never played Street Fighter II. I think some of you have. Some of you probably know Street Fighter II and you love it and you’re going ‘Yes! Awesome! I can’t believe Luke is talking about Street Fighter II Championship Edition! Brilliant!’ But then the rest of you are going ‘What is Luke talking about? I’ve got no idea what Street Fighter II Championship Edition is. What does this thing keep saying (game’s noises) then never mind. OK? Never mind. Google it ‘Street Fighter II Championship Edition Ken’. Just google that then you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Right. So, I went to bed. I slept so well. Oh my God, I slept amazingly and I woke up in the morning all fresh and Daniel Lazenby-Smyth gave me some jobs to do. He got me to clean the cages of these animals. I cleaned them didn’t touch any of them, no, cleaned the cages. I was cleaning all day. He gave me a sandwich for lunch. Oh, I was happy, and a banana. And I cleaned the cages, cleaned the cages again, cleaned again. These cages was so clean by the time I finished that you could see your own reflection on the floor. That’s how clean they were. I cleaned them into like glass they were so clean. I mean these were wooden cages and I cleaned them so much that they became like glass. Yeah. Pretty amazing, isn’t it? And yeah, and there was that cage and the end of the corridor tempting me just by its presence. Just tempting me, asking me ‘Luke, why don’t you come and look inside the cage? I know you’re fascinated.’ But I, you know, I didn’t… I resisted the temptation. It was very difficult. I wanted to look. I wanted to move the curtains aside. I wanted to have a look inside. I wanted to see what this animal was but I could still hear the noises making (breathing, snoring, whistling, singing “Love me do”) It was very weird, very, very weird indeed. But I resisted the temptation I went back upstairs went to bed. That night I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about the animal in the cage downstairs. And you know what I did, listeners? You know what I did? I did nothing. No, I didn’t do nothing. I got up I got out of bed and I tiptoed very quietly, silently. I tiptoed down the stairs and tiptoed through the basement past all of these animals which were all sleeping. There was the zebra, you know, making a sort of zebra noise (zebra’s noise) That’s what zebras do when they’re sleeping but it had three heads so it was like (three genuine zebra’s noises) three heads. The duck with no beak just going (quack) because it couldn’t… can’t really quack properly, the duck, because it didn’t have a beak. It was like sort of going (quack) in its sleep. And the leopard and all that stuff, right? And I got to the end of the corridor and thought ‘Right, I don’t care what Daniel said. I don’t care anymore. I just want to see what is in this cage.’ So, I slowly moved the curtains to one side, slowly moved them to one side and there at the back of the cage was a huge, pink gorilla. Just a huge, pink gorilla sleeping and it had a radio as well listening to The Beatles, actually. So, there was a huge pink gorilla sleeping and I was stunned. I was absolutely stunned. I couldn’t believe my eyes. This massive gorilla. Pink! As pink as something is really pink. As pink as a lobster or as pink as just the colour pink. If you can imagine a page in a book and a child has coloured it pink with a pink pen? It was pink like that. Do you know like the way pink is pink? Well, this gorilla was really pink. OK? And I just thought ‘Oh my God! This is amazing’ and the fur of the gorilla looked so fine and so soft. I just really felt the urge to like reach through the cage and touch its fur. And then I suddenly realised ‘No! Daniel specifically asked me not to touch this animal. So, no, I’m not gonna touch it’ I really wanna touch it. I really wanna know how it feels like but I couldn’t. So, I decided ‘No, Luke. No. You’ve done enough tonight. You’ve investigated enough. It’s time to go to bed’ So, I closed the curtains. I tiptoed back upstairs, tiptoed up the stairs again and then went back to bed and I slept like a baby. I didn’t, you know, I didn’t… I slept like a baby. That means that I slept very well. It doesn’t mean that I kind of cried during my sleep and pissed myself, no. It just means that I had a very good night sleep. I slept like a baby. In the morning I was happy. I was happy. I cleaned the cages effectively, I cleaned them really well that all the animals were happy, that zebra with three heads, the duck without a beak, the leopard with no spots which could also be a puma. And I didn’t look inside the cage because Daniel was there, you know. Daniel was there, whistling (whistling). Because that’s what he does, Daniel. You probably don’t know but during the day he just whistles. He just sits there enjoying his animal collection and whistling (whistling) in a kind of 1950’s sort of way (whistling) Because no one whistles like that anymore, no one except Daniel Lazenby-Smythe because he is old fashioned and that’s just way he is. And so, I didn’t think about the pink gorilla, didn’t think about it at all until the end of the day, the end of the day. Suddenly when my work was done I remembered ‘Luke, what about that pink gorilla, though? What about the pink gorilla?’ And I thought ‘God, I’ve got to have another look’ because it was so amazing. So, after Daniel had gone to bed I went down the corridor and I, more confident this time, more confident because I knew what was inside, opened the curtains and the gorilla was right there in front of me, right there at the bars of the cage and he went – Hello – like that. And I went ‘Oh!’ like that, shocked. And he held out his hand to me. Held out his hand and I knew that he wanted me to touch his hand. Right? I thought ‘This, this doesn’t look so bad. It’s quite friendly’ The gorilla was smiling at me with these big teeth like that holding his hand out and I thought you know what? ‘I’m gonna… I’m gonna do it. I don’t care about Daniel Lazenby-Smythe. I just don’t care anymore, damn it! I’m gonna touch this gorilla. To hell with the consequences’ And so, I reached out my hand and I touched the gorilla. And his… just… I touched him briefly on the back of the hand and his fur was incredibly soft. It was like a fur of a unicorn. It was so soft. But this huge gorilla suddenly, soon as I touched him, suddenly started to go crazy. He started to shake the bars of the cage. He started to go round around, jump up and down. He did somersaults and I thought ‘Oh my God! What have I done? What have I done?’ And immediately the gorilla started to pull the bars open. He started to bend the bars open with this crazy look in his eyes, pull the bars open I thought ‘Oh my God! What have I done?! I’ve got to get out of here! I’ve got to get out of here!’ in an American accent. Suddenly I became like a kind of an American movie and I thought ‘Oh my God! Get out of there!’ So, I ran. I just ran. I ran out of the mansion. I didn’t bother to get any of my stuff. I couldn’t, I couldn’t because behind me the gorilla was running and I could hear his footsteps pounding on the ground as he chased after me through the mansion. So, I was running through the corridors of the mansion ‘Oh my God, I’ve got to run away. This gorilla’s gonna get me’ And I ran and ran. I could hear (footsteps) this gorilla coming towards me. So, I ran like my life depended on it because I w
as sure this gorilla was gonna rip my head off or something like that. So, I just kept running. I ran out into the street and I ran, ran down the street. I turned around ‘Maybe’ I thought ‘Maybe the gorilla… Maybe I lost him because I sort of took left turn there down an alleyway Maybe the gorilla, you know, has lost me…’ and I turned around but ‘…no. The gorilla hadn’t lost me’ In there it was sprinting down the road after me in a kind of gorilla style, you know, using his hands and his feet running after me and I… I just thought ‘Oh my God! What’s going on?!’ and then so, I ran. I ran for it and I found a bicycle on the side of the road. Just a bicycle had been left so I jumped on a bicycle and I accelerated. I bombed down the hill flying down the hill on this BMX bicycle and eventually I got down into the centre of the town an looked around and there was the pink gorilla. But he was on a bicycle too. I don’t know where he found it. He was flying down the road after me and so, I thought ‘Oh my God. I’m gonna neeed to find another form of transport.’ So, I quickly jumped onto a bus. I jumped onto one of those red London busses and I went upstairs and I kind of acted all nonchalant as if nothing was happening ‘So, I’m just… I’m just getting on a bus, nothing to worry about, just an ordinary passenger on this lovely red London bus. I’m just gonna sit here and act like nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine, everything’s absolutely fine. Maybe if I act normal the gorilla will sort of forget who I am and he’ll lose me, he won’t notice, right?’ So, I sat there and I started checking my emails on my phone and I kind of sat there for a while thinking ‘Ah, the gorilla probably doesn’t know where I am. I’m OK. After all I’m on a red London bus. It’s safe. Everything is OK.’ I looked out of the window and looked behind us down the street and immediately I saw the gorilla. And this gorilla was chasing the bus. He was chasing after the bus. He was smashing cars out of his way, just bang! Smashing these cars, taxies, black taxies, vans, trucks, just smashing them all out of his way in his mission to get me. And, you know, I nearly soiled my trousers, I’ll be honest, because I thought that everything was all right, but not. It wasn’t. The gorilla was more determined to get me than ever. He was just chasing after me. So, I just jumped out of the… jumped out of the bus and I thought ‘I’m gonna need to… I’m gonna need to get on another form of transport. So, I, sort of, dived into the Underground and I was in such a rush. I got up to the gates. I got up to the ticket gates but, of course, there was this woman in front of me. She couldn’t find her Oyster card. She was checking her pockets and I was like – Come on! Come on! For God sake, There’s a huge pink gorilla chasing after me! He’s gonna kill me. Can you just get through the gates, please? – And the woman was like – Excuse me, Excuse me, but I’m trying… I’m trying to find my Oyster card. I don’t need you. I don’t need you like telling me what to do, yeah? I don’t care if that pink gorilla chasing after you. I can’t find my Oyster card. Ah, look, sorry, but couldn’t you’ve looked for your Oyster card before you got here? This is the worst place to be. Didn’t you listen to my podcast about using the Underground? You shouldn’t, you know, you shouldn’t do this. You should be prepared when you get to the gates. You should have your Oyster card ready. No, look, Luke, you know, I know you… I know you’ve done a podcast about that but I don’t care right now. I don’t care, do I? I just don’t care, yeah? Yeah, I get the message. I think that you don’t really care. Fine. Never mind –

So, I went to the next gate and I got my Oyster card and I went through, managed to go down to the platform. The train came in. I jumped on the train and the train left and the announcement said – This is a Cockfosters… – No, the announcement said – This is a Piccadilly line train to Cockfosters calling at South Kensington and Piccadilly Circus – And so, I thought ‘Right. Good. I’m on a Piccadilly line going to Cockfosters. What am I gonna do? I guess I can go to… I can probably go to Stansted Airport if I change at Green Park onto a Victoria line and I take a Victoria line northbound and then go to Tottenham Hale. And from Tottenham Hale I can jump on the overland which would take me to Stansted Airport. And then I can just get a plane out of here and that pink gorilla is never gonna find me – So, I am, you know, I did that, took the Underground and I thought ‘This is fine. The gorilla can’t chase me on the Underground. This is fine. No problem’ And for a while I thought everything was all right. I thought ‘I’ve got a plan. Everything’s gonna be fine’ I changed onto the Victoria line. I went through to Tottenham Hale station, got out, walked through the streets ‘Nothing. No pink gorilla’ Everything was fine. Everything was calm ‘Nothing to worry about’ And so, I kind of walked leisurely in a relaxed way. I walked to the station to get the overland train, got the overland train, sat down, relaxed. I thought ‘This is gonna be nice. I’m gonna go on holiday somewhere. This is gonna be great’ I was just relaxing, sitting back in my seat. I looked to my right and there on the tracks next to the train, as the train was going along the tracks, then on the next set of tracks, there was the ****kin’ pink gorilla. There he was and he was on one of those like mechanical train things, you know those things, this is like a platform with a kind of metal handle, metal bar in the middle which you can lift up and down and it’s sort of… it’s a mechanical device which allows you to travel along the train tracks just by moving this bar up and down. So, he was on the one of those things moving it up and down, up and down, flying along next to the train. And I was so shocked. I just looked at him. I just couldn’t stop looking at him and the gorilla turned to me just there on the tracks, you know, flying along the tracks, moving the bar up and down. He turned to me and he just mouthed ‘I’m gonna get you. I’m gonna get you’ he mouthed. Understandably I was shocked and I was afraid. And… Hoooo! Dear, that was frightening so, what happened was I got out of the train near the airport and I realised ‘Oh my God, I don’t have any money’. While I was doing this I didn’t know what the pink gorilla was doing. He was probably putting the train platform mechanical device thing somewhere. Probably, maybe, maybe he had to deal with a member of train staff – Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me Mr Gorilla, Mr Pink Gorilla, do you mind if I ask you what you are doing? That is British Rail property. You’re not supposed to be touching that – And the gorilla probably went – I don’t care, squire. I don’t care what you think because I’m a bloody pink gorilla, yeah? I am on a mission to get that geezer over there called Luke Thompson. I’m gonna get him. Yeah, I’m gonna get him. I’m gonna… I’m gonna mug him right off. You will see, my friend – And so, that guy said – OK, sorry. You’re a bit frightening and a little bit scary and you’re huge pink gorilla. Im’ not gonna… I’m not gonna give you any trouble, in fact. I know, would you like a banana? I don’t eat any bananas, mate. I don’t eat. I’ve only got one mission and I that is to get that geezer over there called Luke Thompson and I’m gonna get him. Now, get out of my way! – So, the gorilla was involved in something which meant I had a little bit a time and I thought ‘Damn! I don’t have any money to pay for a ticket. What am I gonna do?’ And so, I went into the bank in order to borrow some money. I went to the bank to borrow some money, you know. I got an appointment with the bank manager in his office and so the bank manager said to me – OK Mr Thompson, would you like to take a seat? – So I said – Yeah. Great. Thanks. Thanks. Ooooo! Just sit down. Everything’s OK. Just sit down here. Oooo! That’s nice. Nice comfortable seats you have in a bank here, Mr manager. Yes, that’s right. We do have comfortable seats, Luke. Now, how can I help you? Well, I’d like to… I’d like to borrow some money, please. I’d like to take out a loan – And the bank manager said – OK. Fine. How much money would you like to borrow? – And I said – Well, I’d like to… if possible I’d like to borrow, well, as much, as much as you can… In fact, I’d like to borrow all… all the money, just all of it, all the money. Well Luke, I’m sure you realise that we can’t just simply lend you all the money, all the money in the bank. No, no, no, no. I don’t expect you lend me all the money in the bank, no. I just want you to lend me all the money, just all the money in the world. Ha, Luke! I understand you’re humorous gentleman. You like to have a laugh but seriously that’s impossible, that’s ridiculous. We… we could probably lend you about three thousand pounds with the interest rate, well, six per cent. Well, sorry Mr Bank Manager but I think you’ll find… I know that you’re the manager of this big bank which is all very important and all that kind of stuff. Well done. Congratulations. Clap, clap, clap. Good job. Yeah, you’re brilliant, but. I think you’ll find that this story and everything in it including you is basically the creation of my brain, OK? So, you can’t tell me ‘you can’t give me all the money’, OK? Because this is my story so basically, if I wanted to I could make you say and do anything I wanted – And the bank manager was like – Oh, really? Ehm… I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you. I think you’re making this up. Prove it – So, I said – OK. Fine. If you want me to prove it I’m gonna prove it. OK Mr Bank Manager, I’m going to make you speak like Sean Connery now. Ha! Don’t be ridiculous Luke. You can’t make speak me like Sean Connery… what the (hell)… Oh my God! You’ve made me speak like Sean Connery. This is… This is… This is strange. This is unbelievable. In fact, this is amazing. I’ve always wanted to speak like Sean Connery – To be honest he sounded a bit Dutch, really – Never mind, Luke. I don’t care if I sound Dutch. Essentially, this is a Sean Connery voice and you’ve made me speak like his. OK, never mind. Let’s say I don’t think you’ve convinced yet. Let’s say I want you to speak like Roger Moore. OK. Ha, you want me to speak like Roger Moore. That should be too much of a problem. OK, let’s say you’re gonna speak like a… you’re gonna speak like a Scouser. You’re gonna speak like someone from Liverpool now, Mr Bank Manager and then you’re gonna believe that I’m in control of this story and everything that happens in it. All right Luke. All right. So, you wanna… you wanna borrow some money? How much money do you wanna borrow? Oh yeah, you’ve told me that you wanna borrow all the money. Yes, that’s right. I do want to borrow all the money, Mr Bank Manager, who speaks with the Mancunian accent from Manchester. All right, Luke. All right. How’s it going? All right. Do you wanna borrow some money or something, yeah? You do … yeah? All right, I’ll tell you what I’ll do, yeah? I’ll give you a… I’ll give you a card, right? (gobbledygook) This accent’s gone wrong. Yes, that accent’s gone wrong. Let’s just say to speak normally, OK? And then I think you’ll agree that you can give me all the money, right? Because this is the story which I’ve created. Yes, OK Luke, you’ve convinced me. You’ve convinced me that you’re in control of the story. I’m gonna give you all the money. Would you like that in ten pound notes or twenty pound notes. Ah, well, can you give me twenties? C
ertainly, Luke. Have you got a container of some kind because all the money in twenty pound notes that’s a lot, that’s a lot of money? Ah, well, is there any way you could just give me like a credit card and then I don’t have to carry cash? Is that possible? Yes! Certainly, Luke. Yes, we can arrange for you to have a card. How about a debit card? Yes, debit card would be fantastic. Right. In fact, could you hurry up because, to be honest, I’m being chased by huge pink gorilla and I expect that it’s… it’s nearly caught up with me now. He’s probably outside the bank waiting for me so, please, can you hurry up and just get me the card and then I’ll be on my way, OK? Certainly, Luke, certainly. It’s been a pleasure doing business with you and I’m very glad that you’re our customer even though you’re going to take all the money. That’s right, all the money in the world. Yes, well, I’m gonna need it because I think this pink gorilla is a dangerous one and so I’m gonna need money. I’m gonna need some cash to help me get out of this difficult situation. I think you’ll agree – And the bank manager said – OK Luke, look, this… we’ve been in a bank too long in this part of the story so it’s time we moved on, isn’t it? Don’t you think? Yes, it is, bank manager. OK, thanks for your help. Great. Got the card. Great. Thank you. Bye, bye. Bye, bye, bye Mr. OK Luke, it’s really good doing business with you. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye – So, bang! Out onto the street again and I thought you know what? ‘I really love Starbucks. I love Starbucks. I wonder if there’s Starbucks nearby somewhere… Yes! There’s a Starbucks right there, right next to me, of course. So, I went into Starbucks and got myself a coffee, didn’t I? Yeah. Got myself a Skinny Gingerbread Latte Mocha Frappuccino on Ice. And I got that and I drank that and then I thought ‘What am I doing? What am I doing? I can’t remember. That it! I’m escaping from this pink gorilla which is gonna try kill me’ and with that I looked down the street and there was the pink gorilla, finally just flying down the street towards me on a skateboard. And I thought ‘Oh God! Oh my God, he’s on a skateboard! Oh God!’ So, what I did was I got a scooter. I just stole a scooter from a child. Sorry. I didn’t really. It’s just a story. I stole a scooter from a child. Said – Come on, Johnny. Give me a scooter. I don’t care if you’re a child. I don’t care if this is a criminal act. It’s just a story, OK Johnny?- In fact (sound effect), magic! There’s a… there’s a new scooter. So, you can have that one and I’ll take you old one, OK? OK, mister. OK, mister. You can take my scooter. Thanks a lot. Bye, bye, bye. So (sound effect), I escaped down street towards the airport on a scooter with the pink gorilla flying behind me on a skateboard. It was dramatic. We got to the airport. I got there first, flew into the airport on my scooter, got to the counter – Give me a ticket to… somewhere else, please, on an aeroplane. Give me an aeroplane ticket. I want to leave as soon as possible – and the women said – OK, sir. You can have this ticket here. There you go. That’ll be a hundred and fifty thousand pounds. A hundred and fifty thousand pounds! Yes Luke, a hundred and fifty thousand pounds but after all you have got all the money and so, it’s not a problem, really. No, it’s not. How did you know that I had all the money? Never mind that, Luke. Never mind. I think that a… I think that a pink gorilla’s chasing you so you might wanna just, you know, keep moving? Yeah! You’re right. Thanks. Thanks very much- So, I took the ticket and I went through the airport, went through the security control. That was a bit annoying. I had to stand in a queue and I was standing in a queue waiting to go through the X-Ray machine. The pink gorilla was just standing behind me. He was like – This is a bit boring, isn’t it? This security control – and they don’t even let you bring water onto the plane. Oh, they don’t do they. Oh, oh. This is annoying. Anyway, that’s the modern world, bloody terrorists. I got through security and the pink gorilla was like – Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be chasing you, aren’t I? Yes, yes you are. So, I ran away from him and jumped onto a plane and I managed to jump on before the pink gorilla got there. The plane taxied down onto the runway and then (starting plane) flew off and took off and I thought ‘Ah! Finally! Finally, I’m in the air. I’m safe. Ironically, this is the safest place flying in a huge metal aeroplane. I couldn’t be safer and so, there I was in the sky, just sort of relaxing. I ordered a Martini shaken not stirred and drank it and I looked out the window and I thought ‘This is great. I’m flying to a new exotic destination. This is gonna be great. No problem at all. And I looked out the window and there on the wing, on the wing of the aeroplane, you guessed it, there was the engine but next to the engine there was a pink gorilla, the pink gorilla was holding onto the wing of the aeroplane as we were flying just holding on looking at me staring at me smiling with these big teeth and I thought ‘Oh my God! Oh Jesus! He’s managed to catch up with me and he’s even hanging onto the wing. This is terrible’ So, eventually, the aeroplane landed. We landed in the North Pole. That’s right in the North Pole. It was pretty cold at there, pretty cold on the North Pole. We landed and a… immediately I just ran. I just ran straight out the aeroplane. I just ran off into the snow. I just kept running through the snow. Running, running. Running, running, running. It was a bit cold but I was all right because I was running. So, I was running, running, running, kept running and I managed to jump onto an iceberg, jumped onto an iceberg. That’s like a big mountain of ice just floating in the water. I ran. I jumped onto the iceberg. I looked over my shoulder and the pink gorilla was running through the snow as well. He jumped onto the iceberg so I jumped off that iceberg and jumped onto another iceberg and the pink gorilla followed me and I kept jumping from iceberg to iceberg, iceberg to iceberg until eventually I was stuck on a little iceberg. Just stuck floating in the water at the North Pole and the gorilla was there and just walked up towards me. He just… he jumped over onto the iceberg and just walked up towards me and I thought ‘Oh God, this is it?! This is it?! Is this end of my life? Oh! Oh, dear! Not now, please! No, I’m not ready to go. Not yet.’ And the pink gorilla walked up to me and he extended his hand again. His huge pink arm extended towards me and I thought I he was gonna rip my head off but his hand slowly moved towards me and he just tapped me on the arm and he said – Tag, you’re it! – and I went – What? What do you mean? Tag! Tag, you’re it! What? Tag, mate, tag! You’re it! It’s a game, isn’t it? It’s a game. It’s just a… It’s a game – and I said – What about your accent? – Oh, yeah! Yeah! It’s a game! It’s a game, squire! It’s just a game! It’s a children’s game! What? Oh, yeah! Yeah. Yeah. I expect the listeners at this point have got no idea what’s going on but, yeah, you right, yeah. Tag! It’s a game. It’s like a game you play when you’re children in the playground at school. You touch someone. You say ‘Tag’ and then ‘You’re it’ and if you’re ‘it’ you have to chase other people and you touch them and then their ‘it’ and they have to chase you – So, I said – Yeah. Exactly. Tag, your it! – I said – What? Is that it? – He went – Yep. That’s it – and he just with that took around ran in the opposite direction and there I was just floating on this iceberg at the North Pole. I just thought ‘He didn’t wanna kill me. It was just a game of tag. What a disappointment this story is. That was it. That was a huge game of tag. So, the pink gorilla was just competitive. He just enjoyed playing games. Oh, I’m so stupid! Why did I even touch him in the first place? What an idio
t I am. I wish I’d never done it at the first place.’ But then I thought ‘Well, it is a game of tag after all so, I’d better chase him’ So, I sort of stood up picked myself up of the ground brushed the snow of my trousers. I thought ‘Right. I’m gonna get that gorilla and with that I jumped from iceberg to iceberg to iceberg back to the airport and I could see the pink gorilla getting on the plane and so I leapt onto the wing and the plane took off into the sunset and our game of tag continued forever.

And now as I tell you this story I’m just taking a break from the game of tag and I’m just sitting here managing to find time to record an episode of Luke’s English Podcast. And you’ve been listening to it ladies and gentlemen so, thanks very much for listening and I hope that somehow you enjoyed listening to this random story. I’m sure that you’ll find that listening to this has been an experience. It’s certainly been good for your English. It’s very important to listen to things like this in English from time to time.

Now, if you want to you can suggest additions to the story. What do you think happened next in the story of the Pink Gorilla? Maybe there were some aspects to the story which I didn’t deal with, in which case feel free to leave a comment underneath this podcast. You can leave comments on teacherluke.podomatic.com (now teacherluke.co.uk) or you can leave comments on teacherluke.wordpress.com. So, please, leave your comments and suggestions and ideas. If you have any questions, of course, you can leave comments again and you will hopefully get answers to those questions, eventually. So, please, keep visiting the websites and do write your questions and comments there but for now, for this episode of Luke’s English Podcast it’s goodbye, bye, bye, bye…

You’ve been listening to Luke’s English Podcast. For more information visit teacherluke.co.uk

Thank you very much to Andzrej for sending me this transcript. If you liked The Pink Gorilla Story, let me know and I will do more episodes like this in the future. Who knows, I might do The Pink Gorilla Story Part 2…

Is this the Pink Gorilla?

Is this the Pink Gorilla?

Another Award-Winning Year!

Hello!

If you’ve been following this year’s Macmillan awards you’ll see that Luke’s English Blog just won the award for Best Blog 2012. This is due to the fact that so many of you went out of your way to vote for me. Thank you very much! Your votes counted for a great deal, and I’m very proud that so many of you consider Luke’s English Podcast to be worth voting for.

If you are new to Luke’s English Podcast, then welcome! Let me tell you a few things about this website, so you get a flavour of what goes on here.

Firstly, this is Luke’s English Blog. This is where I post all the text which relates to each episode of Luke’s English Podcast. So, to be honest, the blog is not where it all happens. Really, this is a podcast with a lot of written content as well. The podcast is really how I communicate with my audience, and that is what I put most of my time and energy into. What’s the podcast all about? Well, there is a link in the menu at the top of this page that will explain all that to you. Can you see where it says ALL EPISODES up there? If you click on that you’ll get more information about the podcast. You can see that I do some other things as well, like videos on YouTube. They’re really popular and I’ve had over 2 million views now, in total. People keep asking me to make more videos and I will as soon as I find time!

In the podcast you can listen to me speaking directly to you. The show is intended for learners of English, although a lot of native speakers listen to it as well. The original concept behind the podcast was to provide a listening experience that is authentic (not scripted) and entertaining as well as informative from a language learning perspective. One of my main aims is just to make learners of English listen to English for extended periods of time. I know that to do this I have to make my episodes as engaging as possible. Often, I try to do this just by keeping my speaking ‘in the moment’. By that I mean not planning what I say too much  in order to keep the listening experience as interesting as possible. I believe that just because I am talking to non-native speakers of English, there is no reason to make it overly simplistic or even patronising. I try to make the episodes funny if possible, or at least enthusiastic and passionate. I try to talk to my listeners as if I was talking to some friends in the pub over a pint or two of beer. Hopefully, this comes through in the episodes.

As a teacher in the classroom, I find that inevitably some parts of my lessons are boring. I’d be kidding myself if I thought that every part of my lessons was engaging and fascinating. I know  in class when the attention of my students drops. Usually, this happens when we discuss grammar, or go through lengthy reading texts or exam tasks. I’ve found that the students interest is most stimulated when the lesson seems to go ‘off topic’ or ‘off piste’. I have found that the students become much more engaged during break times, when suddenly they stop acting like students and just start communicating and interacting more naturally. I also find that they respond well to me telling them more personal stuff. Also, I know that in class, TTT (teacher talking time) should be kept to a reasonable limit, and yet I often feel that I have so many things to say to my students! So, I decided to start doing a podcast in which I could just speak personally, without having to worry about TTT, and in a way that I hope is engaging for the listeners. In the end, I hope that my listeners just get hooked and as a result do a lot more listening than they normally would.

There are plenty of reasons why I do Luke’s English Podcast, but those are some of them. Perhaps in the future I’ll tell you the whole story in an episode of the podcast.

By the way, at the moment I am experiencing some seriously annoying technical problems with my podcast host Podomatic.com
They have blocked downloads and uploads for a while, so you won’t be able to download, and I can’t upload new episodes. This is because they believe I haven’t paid my annual subscription fee, when in fact I did pay them quite a large sum of money in November for my “Pro Broadcaster Plus” membership package. I have sent them numerous emails about this and I still have received no reply. I am now seriously considering closing my Podomatic account and moving to another podcast host. It’s particularly annoying that at this crucial time, when I’ve just won this award, no one can download my episodes and I can’t talk to my listeners. Understandably, I am pretty peeved, cheesed off and generally quite angry about podomatic’s billing error.

Anyway, in future you will be able to download more episodes of the podcast, but for now I suggest that you have a look at the previous episodes of the podcast or the YouTube videos I’ve made (click VIDEOS above).

Thanks again for reading, and thank you very very much for voting for me. I am seriously proud to have won this award again!

Best regards,

Luke

124. James Bond

This episode is all about the history of James Bond. You can also learn how to speak like Sean Connery or Roger Moore :)

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NEWS UPDATE: I won the Macmillan Dictionary Award for Best Blog 2012! Thank you very much for voting for me! I’m delighted to have won the award. I will record a podcast soon in order to thank you in person.

Also, you may have experienced some problems downloading the podcast recently. This was due to a technical difficulty by podomatic.com, my podcast host. Thankfully they have now fixed the problem and you should be able to download properly. In fact, since the problem was fixed I had over 5,000 downloads just yesterday!

ANYWAY! This episode is all about James Bond. You can read the blog post transcript below. Also, you can see the video of Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon from the trip, below.
50 Years of James Bond

This year the James Bond franchise celebrates its 50 year anniversary with the release of the new Bond movie Skyfall, which is receiving some very positive reviews. Some people are calling it the best Bond movie ever, and it is likely to become the highest earning film of the franchise so far. In this blog post I’m going to give a brief overview of the history of the franchise and then tell you what I thought about Skyfall.

You can find definitions of the words in bold at the bottom of this post.

50 Years of James Bond
First, some background info on the Bond films, released by Eon Productions. The series kicked off in 1962 with Sean Connery as 007 in Dr No. This was followed by four other films with Connery as Bond. These first five films really established all the hallmarks of the James Bond franchise. A cool and handsome Bond, sudden violence, stunning international locations, beautiful women, casual sexism, ironic jokes (usually made by Bond just after killing someone), gadgets, side characters such as M, Q and Miss Moneypenny, insane bad-guys who want to destroy the world and other trademarks such as Bond’s Aston Martin sports car and his Walther PPK handgun. Sean Connery is still widely considered to be the best Bond. It was his combination of good looks, self-confidence and aggression that really defined how we see Bond today.

In 1969 after Connery quit, the role of Bond went to a largely unknown actor called George Lazenby in the film On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Lazenby didn’t enjoy playing Bond, complaining that the producers hadn’t treated him with enough respect as an actor and that the character was a “brute”. The film is widely regarded as a flop, with Lazenby an unconvincing Bond. Personally I like the film. It’s full of amazing action sequences and has quite an emotional ending, unlike most of the other Bond films. Lazenby’s Bond is more vulnerable and human than Connery’s, which makes him a more realistic and three-dimensional character.

Connery was persuaded to return as Bond for Diamonds Are Forever in 1971. In contrast to the previous film, this one was more humourous in tone. In fact, during the 70s the films became less serious, prone to moments of silliness and generally quite formulaic.

Then in 1973 Roger Moore took over as James Bond, and the silliness continued. Moore’s acting style was more suited to comedy than action and many of Moore’s films contain moments of camp humour which many critics believe lessen the seriousness and dramatic impact of the franchise. Still, Roger Moore is an entertaining James Bond, even if he was less aggressive and dynamic than Connery and Lazenby.

Roger Moore made seven Bond films, and the last one A View to a Kill was considered to be a financial failure. Moore was too old to continue as Bond. The producers decided it was time to find a new actor for the role. Initially the job was offered to Pierce Brosnan, but then withdrawn because of his contractual commitments to a popular TV show called Remington Steele, but Brosnan would return later. It was Timothy Dalton who got the role in the end, playing Bond in two films from 1987 to 1989.

Dalton was a classically-trained actor and decided he would play Bond as a dark, serious character. In a similar way to George Lazenby he interpreted Bond as a more vulnerable character who questions his orders from his boss, M. Critics praised his two performances as bringing more weight to the films, but they also criticised the lack of humour and playfulness which had become an essential part of the franchise.

In 1995, after 6 years without Bond, the film GoldenEye was released with Pierce Brosnan in the lead role. It was a big box-office success and was generally considered to be a modernisation of the series. Pierce Brosnan was praised for his performance as Bond. He seemed to combine aspects of both Sean Connery and Roger Moore. He had the looks, the charisma and the aggressive brutality of Connery but also the suave sophistication and humourous touch of Roger Moore. He also managed to include some of the depth and psychological realism of the Dalton performances. The film also included Judi Dench in the role of M (Bond’s boss). This was considered to be a positive move because it addressed some of the sexism of the previous films in the franchise. In one scene, M refers to Bond as a “sexist, misogynist dinosaur”. Also, Judy Dench is just a great actress and she brought a new level of depth to the character of M. She remains a key character in the more recent Bond films, especially Skyfall.

Brosnan made five Bond films in total. They were all commercial successes but critical reactions were mixed. Goldeneye breathed new life into the Bond franchise, but the subsequent Brosnan Bond films quickly became formulaic and unoriginal, focusing on action rather than character and story.

Then in 2006 we were introduced to a new Bond, played by Daniel Craig. Casino Royale rebooted the Bond franchise, starting the whole storyline again from scratch. We see Bond doing his first assassination mission, earning his licence to kill and struggling with the psychological and physical pressure of being 007. The film was a massive commercial success, and was considered by critics to be a genuinely fresh version of Bond. Daniel Craig was considered the best Bond since Connery, perhaps even better than him. Casting Craig was a bold move. He doesn’t really look like the classic image of Bond. He is blond and doesn’t have the same classically handsome features as Connery, Moore or Brosnan. However, he has intensity, a sense of vulnerability and a very striking physical presence. Casino Royale showed us more than ever that James Bond is a human being. He gets hurt both physically and emotionally. We care about him and feel his pain.

Daniel Craig’s second James Bond film, Quantam of Solace is a bit of a confusing mess. The storyline is very hard to follow. The action sequences are bewildering. There is very little character development and the whole film is littered with product placement. The film damaged a lot of the achievements of Casino Royale, so with the third film, Skyfall, the producers were keen to fix those problems and put the Bond franchise back on track.

The result is that the latest Bond film is a big success. It’s already being described as possibly the best Bond film we’ve ever had, and it’s likely to make more money than any other Bond movie in the past. Most of the boxes are ticked. The film has a complex, serious storyline, yet it is also a lot of fun. There are plenty of exciting action. The bad-guy (played by Javier Bardem) is ridiculous, insane and funny. The story is involving. The character development is detailed and interesting. The film also pays homage to previous Bond films, and even reveals some new details about Bond’s history. It’s not perfect of course. While watching it I couldn’t help thinking “this is completely ridiculous!” but then I realised that it was a James Bond film and it’s supposed to be ridiculous, and then I started to enjoy it a lot more. Certainly, in Skyfall, Bond has become something of a superhero. Although he gets hurt and is clearly getting a bit old for the job, he still manages to do things which are completely impossible in the real world, but that’s all right because this is James Bond!

Daniel Craig is still contracted to appear in two more Bond films, and to be honest after this one I can’t imagine where they will go next with the franchise. Isn’t Daniel Craig getting a bit old to play Bond now? How will they move the franchise forward when Bond has already been deconstructed in these modern films? How can they do anything new? Will they just remake Dr No or Goldfinger? Will the Bond films just go back to being silly and misogynistic? I’m already looking forward to seeing the next film, just in order to find out what they do next.

If you’ve seen Skyfall, leave a comment below to tell us what you thought. Otherwise, why don’t you tell us what you think of James Bond in general? Feel free to share your thoughts below and thanks for reading this (rather long) blog post. Bye for now!

Luke

Vocabulary in this episode

  • franchise (n) – a series of films which have become a range of trademarked products including books, merchandise, toys etc. Other examples of a franchise are the Harry Potter films, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings.
  • kicked off (v) – started
  • hallmarks (n) – very typical features of something which allow you to recognise it. E.g. the hallmarks of a James Bond movie are the locations, the bond-girls, the violence, the gadgets etc.
  • gadgets (n) – little items of technology which are useful for specific things. E.g. an iPod, or a pen which shoots arrows.
  • trade marks (n) – similar to ‘hallmarks’ (above), these are symbols or features which represent something, or which allow you to recognise something easily. E.g. the 007 logo we see on James Bond posters is a kind of trade mark for the James Bond franchise.
  • brute (n) – a violent person who behaves like an animal
  • flop (n) – a commercial failure
  • unconvincing (adj) – unrealistic, looks fake
  • vulnerable (adj) – able to be easily physically or emotionally hurt
  • three dimensional (adj) – 3D, with depth, not just flat
  • tone (n) – feeling, atmosphere
  • prone to (v) – likely to suffer from
  • formulaic (adj) – consisting of fixed or repeated ideas
  • camp (adj) – deliberately exaggerated and theatrical
  • contractual commitments (n) – obligations that have to be met because of a contract
  • a classically-trained actor (n) – an actor who trained in a theature using classical techniques
  • interpreted (v) – decided what the intended meaning of something is
  • praise (v) – the opposite of ‘criticise’, to say good things about something
  • lack of (n) – not enough of something
  • suave (adj) – charming, pleasant and attractive, possibly insincere, slightly negative
  • addressed (v) – dealt with
  • misogynist (n) – a man who hates women, or who believes that women are inferior to men
  • mixed (adj) – inconsistent; some good some bad
  • breathed new life into (v phrase) – refreshed, revitalised
  • rebooted (v) – restarted
  • (from) scratch (n) – (from) the beginning, the starting point
  • a bold move (n) – a courageous decision/action
  • striking (adj) – very unusual or easily noticed and therefore attracting a lot of attention
  • mess (n) – something very untidy and disorganised
  • bewildering (adj) – confusing
  • littered (adj) – made untidy because of many things covering it. E.g. “The floor was littered with dirty clothes.” “The movie is littered with product placement.”
  • product placement (n) – a kind of advertising which involves putting products into a movie so the audience will see them.
  • (put something back) on track (phrase) – to return something to the correct way, to make something go back in the right direction again. E.g. “After a few problems, the project is now back on track.”
  • pays homage to (verb phrase) – to make reference to something as a way of showing respect to it. E.g. when a film makes a reference to a previous film.
  • contracted (adj) – obliged by contract
  • deconstructed (v) – to analyse something by taking it apart and looking at the elements that it is made of.

STEVE COOGAN AND ROB BRYDON “Come come Mr Bond…”

Thanks for Voting / Downloading Problems


Hi listeners,

First of all, thank you very much for voting for Luke’s English Blog in the annual award for Best Blog 2012. So many of you voted for me and I really appreciate it. I suppose it’s your way of saying that you appreciate listening to episodes of the podcast.

Secondly, you may be experiencing some difficulty downloading episodes of the podcast at the moment. I am having some problems with my podcast provider PodOmatic.com. Hopefully the issue will be resolved soon. It’s a real pity that you can’t download right now as I recorded a podcast about James Bond this evening and I think you’ll find it interesting and enjoyable. You’ll have to wait a little while before you can listen to it because PodOmatic have blocked me from uploading episodes. It should be fixed soon.

In the meantime, why not revisit one of the older episodes of Luke’s English Podcast and see if you can catch something new or perhaps remind yourself of some of the vocabulary you may have forgotten.

Normal service will resume soon, and yes I have my fingers crossed for the competition. The voting closes tonight at midnight GMT, and I expect the results to be announced soon. Fingers, and toes, well and truly crossed.

Thanks for reading,

Luke

123. What’s Been Going On?

A general news update from L.E.P. *Sorry about the bad sound quality!*

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In this episode I let you know what’s been happening recently and look at some recent news stories.

*There is a sound quality problem with this episode. It’s recorded very quietly. Apologies for this. The next episode will be better.*

You can read the news stories from the newspaper below.

Click here to vote for me in the Macmillan Awards (voting closes Jan 21 2013).

News Stories
Here are the news stories I discuss in this episode

HAPISpoon
For those struggling with New Year diets, help is on its way – in the form of a fork that tells you when to stop eating. Designed to prevent users from gobbling down too much food, the HAPIfork monitors the number of times you take food off your plate, and vibrates if you’re doing it too often. Over several meals, as you learn to eat more slowly, the device gradually increases the amount of time allowed between mouthfuls, until it reaches the optimum gap of 10-15 seconds.

HORSE MEAT IN TESCO BEEF BURGERS
Tesco, after the beef burgers in its Everyday Value range were found to contain a significant amount of horse meat. The investigation – by Ireland’s Food Safety Authority – also found horse meat in products on sale at UK branches of Iceland.

CLOSURE OF HMV
The High Street, with the closure of Jessops, the photographic chain. Days later, HMV went into administration.

BELGIAN SAT NAV MISTAKE
A Belgian woman who planned to drive 80km to Brussels ended up 1,450km away, after following her sat nav for two days across Europe. “I was distracted, so just kept on driving,” said Sabine Moreau, 67. “I saw all kinds of traffic signs, first in French, then in German and finally in Croatian.”

KILLER SLUG ARRIVES
Long-standing fears about an invasion of a “killer” slug that devours crops, eats dead mammals and will even feast on dog faeces were justified last week, when the species – Arion vulgaris – was found in a UK garden for the first time, says BBC News online “The presence of this aggressive species is bad news,” said entomologist Dr John Bedford, who identified the Spanish slug in his garden on the outskirts of Norwich. He became suspicious about the slugs on account of their sheer number (Spanish slugs can lay 400 eggs a day, have few predators and can grow up to five inches long) and voracious eating habits: they ate a dead mouse, as well as a wide variety of plants in his garden. And this is just the beginning, warns Dr Bedford. Millions of eggs and baby slugs are likely to be buried under leaves, waiting to emerge in the spring.

TARANTINO
Quentin Tarantino was on prickly form at last week’s London premiere of his new film, Django Unchained. Before appearing on the red carpet, the director sent an assistant out to request that he only be photographed from the front, to hide his big chin. “He will be very upset if anyone tries to photograph him from the side,” she warned. Earlier in the day, Tarantino had quarrelled with Channel 4’sKrishnan Guru-Murthy, after the interviewer asked him a question about the effects of screen violence. “I refuse your question. I’m not your slave and you’re not my master,” he snarled. “I’m shutting your butt down.”

WAS ABRAHAM LINCOLN RACIST?

To The Daily Telegraph
Abraham Lincoln was a racist who deliberately started a war that killed more than 650,000 people. He had no intention of freeing slaves, who freed themselves by fleeing to Unionist lines during a war that was going badly for the North and in which they became needed as recruits.
In September 1862, Lincoln’s preliminary emancipation proclamation declared that the South could keep its slaves if it returned to the Union. Slave holders in the four slave states fighting for the Union were given until 1900 to consider emancipating their slaves. The Emancipation Proclamation itself did not free a single slave, since it was limited to territory controlled by the Confederacy.

Until the day he died, Lincoln’s ideal solution to the problem of blacks was to “colonise” them back to Africa or the tropics. This was what he told a delegation of free blacks he summoned to the White House in the summer of 1863, when he stressed that the mere presence of blacks caused pain to white Americans. He eventually agreed to the 13th amendment, which freed all slaves.

Americans ignore all this since otherwise the history of the Civil War looks little better morally than the US’s treatment of blacks before and after. Steven Spielberg’s film sustains the myth that Lincoln redeemed the US’s racist past. He did not.
Alan Sked, professor of international history, London School of Economics

To The Daily Telegraph
Professor Alan Sked’s assertion that Abraham Lincoln “deliberately started a war that killed more than 650,000 people” is difficult to reconcile with the facts.

Perhaps it is being posited that by standing for election as president and then having the temerity to win that election, Lincoln started the war. In fact, the Confederates were much keener on war than Lincoln, because they arrogantly believed they would win it easily. Professor Sked states that Lincoln “eventually agreed to the 13th amendment which freed all slaves”. This gives the impression that Lincoln was reluctant to do so, whereas, of course, he was the main driving force behind Congress passing the law. His efforts to secure its passage are the basis of Steven Spielberg’s film.

Of course, Lincoln was not a saint but his views on the position and future of blacks in the US changed radically during the course of his presidency. He had to operate in the atmosphere of his time and in the framework of what was politically possible. His achievements need to be judged accordingly, and not condemned for failing to satisfy 21st century criteria.
David Cowell, Lincoln

DAVID BOWIE COMEBACK
David Bowie fans, with the surprise release of the singer-songwriter’s first single in ten years. Where Are We Now? – an elegiac track recalling his years in Berlin in the 1970s – shot straight to the top of the downloads charts. The last release from Bowie (pictured) was in 2003; the next year, he abandoned a tour after suffering a heart attack, and has rarely appeared in public since.

Competition Time Again!


Hello Dear Listeners,

As you probably already know, this time last year I won the Macmillan Dictionary Love English Award for Best Blog 2011! I talked about it all the time after I won. That’s because I was really happy to have won it. I work very hard on Luke’s English Podcast and so I am really pleased to find out that so many people around the world listen to it, improve their English with it and also enjoy some entertainment. It felt like my hard work had paid off, and that I had managed to make a success of Luke’s English Podcast.

Well, it’s that time of year again, and I’ve been nominated for their award for Best Blog 2012. Naturally, I want to win it again! I feel I now have to compete with myself. Can I achieve what I achieved last year? I certainly hope so. Doing that would give me the confidence and the reassurance that I am definitely helping people with their English and giving them an entertaining and informative service. It would really help to push me into 2013 and hopefully expand the audience of the podcast even further.

So I need your help.

If you like the podcast, and you want me to win the competition. Please show your support by voting for me! You can do it here. Click this link: THIS LINK! Then scroll down until you find Luke’s English Blog and then click Vote. Thank you, you have just helped! Let’s keep our fingers crossed that the podcast wins again. I might need you to encourage your friends to vote too. It could make all the difference. Currently I am in 2nd place, so I will need quite a lot of votes too.

Also, the Macmillan website is a very good place to learn English and there are links to plenty of other useful pages and blogs there. Are any of them quite as good as Luke’s English Podcast? Only you can decide that! But, I must say that not many of them provide the full 100% experience you get from Luke’s English Podcast, do they? Do they really?! With my podcast you can not only read English, but listen to a real native English speaker teaching directly to you in your earphones. It’s like being there with the teacher as he teaches you. In fact, it’s like being in the UK itself, perhaps in a pub with some English speaking friends. It’s the best way to learn the language, isn’t it? Directly from English speakers talking to you.

I really hope you agree, and that you vote!

Thanks a lot and have a great morning/lunch/afternoon/evening/night.

Luke

122. The End of the World?

Is the world going to end tomorrow? In a word: no. In this episode I discuss end-of-the-world theories.

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Do you believe all the theories that the world is going to end tomorrow?

In this episode I discuss some of the 2012 End of the World theories and tell you what I think. We will also hear the opinion of a NASA scientist. You can read some of those theories below.

I’m also interested in your opinions. Do you think the world will end tomorrow? Why?

Text
Here’s some text which I read out in this episode.

For those of you interested in what will cause our December 21, 2012 end of the world, this is the place to be. Below we have compiled a list of the top ten December 21, 2012 end of the world theories out there. Read up and get prepared for the biggest disaster of your life. For more by this writer, check out the Dallas Pop Media Examiner, or the Dallas Generation Y Examiner.

December 21, 2012 end of the world theory #1: Planet X collides with our planet.
One of the biggest December 21, 2012 end of the world theories states that on that fateful winter solstice our planet earth will collide with the mysterious and fabled Planet X from the 1980s. Conspiracy theorists believe that world governments have been hiding the existence of Planet X since they discovered it was on a collision course with us many years ago.

December 21, 2012 end of the world theory #2: Shift in Earth’s Magnetic Poles
Many people believe the December 21, 2012 end of the world theory that earth will be devastated by a dramatic shift in the earth’s magnetic poles. Scientists say that this pole shift has happened with regularity throughout earth’s history, but that we are not due for another shift for some time. That does not keep people from buying into the shifty possibilities of a 2012 end of the world.

December 21, 2012 end of the world theory #3: Sun Supernova
One popular December 21, 2012 end of the world theory involves the death of our sun. This theory says that our earth will be burned up when our sun goes supernova right before Christmastime, 2012. This cataclysmic supernova would consume our solar system and wipe our world out from the Milky Way galaxy.

December 21, 2012 end of the world theory #4: Disruption of Gravity by Planet X
Another of Planet X theories, this 2012 end of the world theory says that Planet X will not collide with us, but rather it will pass so closely to our earth that it will disrupt our gravity and cause massive global disasters.

December 21, 2012 end of the world theory #5: Alignment With the Center of Our Galaxy
A major source of December 21, 2012 end of the world theories is the fact that on that date our earth and sun will align with the center of the Milky Way galaxy, an event that only happens every 26,000 years. Some believe that this celestial event will in some way rip our earth apart, leaving no life for the planet.

December 21, 2012 end of the world theory #6: Global Warming and Floods
With the global warming scares of the past decade, one of the December 21, 2012 end of the world theories involves the atmosphere of our earth degrading to the point that global warming reaches new highs. The resulting temperature change would cause a snowballing polar ice cap melt that would flood the oceans, wiping out our land masses and killing marine life with a massive infusion of fresh water into the oceans.

December 21, 2012 end of the world theory #7: Seismic Disturbance
This earth-shattering 2012 end of the world theory says that our world will be torn apart by an incredible seismic event. Earthquakes and volcanic eruptions will shake the ground, level cities, and wipe out civilization as we know it.

December 21, 2012 end of the world theory #8: Shift in the Collective Consciousness of Humanity
By far one of the most creative December 21, 2012 end of the world theories, this theory claims that the human race has been on the verge of a shift in the collective consciousness of humanity. What this means no one can say, but followers of this theory believe that the end of the world will come with a dramatic change in the way the human mind works and that they will bring about the end of the world.

December 21, 2012 end of the world theory #9: World War 3 and Nuclear Holocaust
One 2012 end of the world theory involves nuclear holocaust and the beginning of World War 3. Due to global nuclear capabilities, the nations of the world could wipe each other off the face of the earth in a matter of hours.

December 21, 2012 end of the world theory #10: Theorists Are Proven Wrong
One theorist believes that the end of the world will come when all of the people who have put their stock in calendars made 3000 years ago learn that they are wrong. For many who have lived, eaten, slept, and breathed 2012, discovering that the world did not end on December 21, 2012 will lead them to find that their world is, in fact, over.

Text originally published by Erik Wesley on Yahoo.com

121: Americanisms (Part 2) What do British people think of American English?

What do British people think of certain bits of American English usage? Are they right?

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode. 

Transcript
Hi listeners, and welcome back to Luke’s English Podcast. This episode is the continuation of the last one which was all about Americanisms. In that episode I went through a list of American expressions which British people don’t like. This is a list, published by the BBC of comments made by British people about American expressions that they hate.

Yes, ‘hate’. It’s a pretty strong word to use but bascially, British people can be very sensitive about hearing American expressions used in British English. Many of them just don’t like it. It infuriates them, causes their blood pressure to rise and their blood to boil. But is it really worth getting so angry about the way British English is influenced by American English? Are the expressions genuinely wrong grammatically? In most cases, I don’t think so. Most of the expressions are grammatically ok. They’re just examples of standard conventions of American English, and it’s quite natural for American English to influence British English. We watch American TV shows, interact with Americans on the internet and meet more and more American people in our daily lives.

Perhaps some Americanisms sound less sophisticated than their British equivalents, but in fact many Americanisms really are efficient bits of language. They’re effective tools of communication, most of the time. Also, they are just the normal way in which Americans use the language, and essentially American English has just developed differently to the way British English has. When British people don’t like hearing other Brits using Americanisms, I think it’s pretty small minded, especially when the criticisms given are things like “It’s grammatically wrong” or “It makes my blood boil”. Is it really grammatically wrong, or are you just arrogantly assuming that British English is the only way. And if Americanisms really do make people that angry, they should just calm down a bit.

British people like to think that because we are British, we have the right to be superior about the use of English. As if to say “well, it’s our language, so we can decide how it should be used”. I think we feel we have a connection to the real source of English heritage – Shakespeare and all that. However, in my experience, most British people don’t really have the linguistic knowledge to back up their complaints about American English, so when they complain about Americanisms, they just sound conservative, small minded or snobbish. So, really, when a British person complains about American usage, do they really have a good linguistic point, or are they just being a bit judgemental about American English?

In this episode I will continue to go through the list of British people’s most hated Americanisms, as published by the BBC. I will explain each comment, and then give my opinion. I’ve also got some comments from a language expert called Grammar Man who works at the University of Carolina.
The main questions I consider when judging these Americanisms are:
-Are they grammatically correct or not?
-Are they effective tools for communication? Do they effectively communicate a message?
-Is the complaint really justified, or is it just snobbishness?

Americanisms
So, where did we stop in the last episode? I believe it was comment number 16, so here it is.

16. “I’m good” for “I’m well”. That’ll do for a start. Mike, Bridgend, Wales

Grammar Man says: There is a difference between good and well, indeed. The former is an adjective; the latter, an adverb. This distinction does elude many Americans, I admit. However, adjectives, not adverbs, follow linking verbs — verbs like to be. Hence, the correct response to How are you? is in fact I’m good. The Brits are wrong again.

17. “Bangs” for a fringe of the hair. Philip Hall, Nottingham

Grammar Man says: I don’t know what else to call them.

18. Take-out rather than takeaway! Simon Ball, Worcester

Grammar Man says: Six of one, a half dozen of the other.

19. I enjoy Americanisms. I suspect even some Americans use them in a tongue-in-cheek manner? “That statement was the height of ridiculosity”. Bob, Edinburgh

Grammar Man says: A great example of wordplay!

20. “A half hour” instead of “half an hour”. EJB, Devon

Grammar Man says: I suspect this person has a half brain.

21. A “heads up”. For example, as in a business meeting. Lets do a “heads up” on this issue. I have never been sure of the meaning. R Haworth, Marlborough

Grammar Man says: I’ve never claimed to understand what happens in business meetings.

22. Train station. My teeth are on edge every time I hear it. Who started it? Have they been punished? Chris Capewell, Queens Park, London

Grammar Man says: Have you been punished yet for talking out of turn? Go stand in the corner and don’t come back until you have a good point to make.

A US reader writes…

Melanie Johnson – MA student in Applied Linguistics, now in the UK

The idea that there once existed a “pure” form of English is simply untrue. The English spoken in the UK today has been influenced by a number of languages, including Dutch, French and German. Speakers from the time of William the Conqueror would not recognise what we speak in Britain as English. This is because language variation shifts are constantly changing.

Five years ago you might have found it odd if someone asked you to “friend” them, but today many of us know this means to add them on Facebook. The increased use of technology, in combination with the rise of a globalised society, means language changes are happening faster than ever, especially in places with highly diverse populations like London. Young people are usually at the vanguard of this, so it’s no surprise to find London teenagers increasingly speaking what’s been termed “multicultural ethnic English”.

Changes in word use are normal and not unique to any language. But English does enjoy a privileged status as the world’s lingua franca. That began with the British, but has been maintained by the Americans. It’s difficult to predict how English will next evolve, but the one certainty is it will.

23. To put a list into alphabetical order is to “alphabetize it” – horrid! Chris Fackrell, York.

Grammar Man says: No doubt, we Americans are notorious for transforming nouns into verbs. If we hadn’t introduced this practice, imagine how annoyed you’d be always having to say, “I’ll add you as a friend on Facebook,” instead of, “I’ll friend you.”

24. People that say “my bad” after a mistake. I don’t know how anything could be as annoying or lazy as that. Simon Williamson, Lymington, Hampshire

Grammar Man says: For a while I thought the British were actually more sophisticated than us. Then I picked up an issue of The Sun. My bad.

25. “Normalcy” instead of “normality” really irritates me. Tom Gabbutt, Huddersfield

Grammar Man says: These words are in fact different, and people should be corrected when confusing them. Though I don’t think the confusion is particularly American. Are you confused?

26. As an expat living in New Orleans, it is a very long list but “burglarize” is currently the word that I most dislike. Simon, New Orleans

Grammar Man says: Again, you should thank us for making a habit of verbing nouns.

27. “Oftentimes” just makes me shiver with annoyance. Fortunately I’ve not noticed it over here yet. John, London

Actually ‘oftentimes’ is used in Macbeth, by Shakespeare. It’s an example of English that was used over here, the Americans then took it over there, we stopped using it, they continued, and now we just get pissed off about it because we assume it’s wrong. So, Shakespeare used it John. You’d know that if you’d read some. Then again, if you read Shakespeare these days it’s seriously difficult to understand. Thing is, oftentimes is pretty clear.

28. Eaterie. To use a prevalent phrase, oh my gaad! Alastair, Maidstone (now in Athens, Ohio)

Grammar Man says: While you’re at the eatery, would you like some fish and French fries with your whine?

29. I’m a Brit living in New York. The one that always gets me is the American need to use the word bi-weekly when fortnightly would suffice just fine. Ami Grewal, New York

Grammar Man says: The meaning of the former term is more obvious, and it’s three characters shorter.

30. I hate “alternate” for “alternative”. I don’t like this as they are two distinct words, both have distinct meanings and it’s useful to have both. Using alternate for alternative deprives us of a word. Catherine, London

Grammar Man says: You have a point. But I don’t think the confusion is particularly American.

31. “Hike” a price. Does that mean people who do that are hikers? No, hikers are ramblers! M Holloway, Accrington

Grammar Man says: No, hikers are backpackers; ramblers are wanderers.

32. Going forward? If I do I shall collide with my keyboard. Ric Allen, Matlock

Grammar Man says: British schools must be in a worse state than American schools, if a Brit is allowed to pass English without understanding the difference between figurative and literal language.

A break for some commentary about the idea of language change, and how people feel about ‘unwanted elements in language’.
From an article by Sue Fox on http://linguistics-research-digest.blogspot.co.uk/
Kate Burridge, a researcher and Professor of Linguistics, has taken a look at the attitudes and activities of ordinary people as reflected in letters to newspapers, listener comments on radio and email responses to her own comments made about language in various broadcasts. She states that linguistic purists tend to make a very clear distinction between what they see as ‘clean’ and ‘dirty’ in language – in other words, what is desirable or undesirable. There are two aspects to this distinction; the first is that purists tend to want to retain the language in its perceived traditional form and they therefore resist language change and the second is that they want to rid the language of what they consider to be ‘unwanted elements’, including foreign influences. Burridge likens linguistic purism to dealing with taboo practices generally – ‘the human struggle to control unruly nature’.
Some of the examples that Burridge provides are quite alarming. People often get very abusive, making aggressive statements about how people who use certain “wrong usages” should be killed. Some people seem hysterical about language change. One person referred to the ‘rape of the English language’ as ‘escalating out of control’ and ‘indulged in by people of all ages’. As Burridge notes, these are clearly passionate and confident responses, indicating that language matters to a lot of people.
Burridge also notes that many extracts that she has examined express concern over the ‘Americanization’ of English, especially as it pertains to New Zealand and Australian English, where the topic is hotly debated. She refers to newspaper headlines such as ‘Facing an American Invasion’ and to one writer who considers that English is deteriorating into a ‘kind of abbreviated American juvenile dialect’.
Why, then, do people hold such strong views about language use? The view held by Burridge, and indeed most linguists, is that such concerns about language use are not usually based on genuine linguistic worries but are reflections of deeper and more general social concerns. She suggests that the opposition to American English is more to do with linguistic insecurity in the face of a cultural, political and economic superpower and that somehow American English poses a threat to authentic ‘downunder English’ and perhaps to Australian and New Zealand cultural identity. Similarly, links are often made between ‘bad language’ and ‘bad behaviour’ and there is often an (unjustified) idea promoted that if a person has no regard for the nice points of grammar, then that person will probably have no regard for the law. With such deeply embedded attitudes towards language use, it is perhaps no wonder that we find such emotionally charged responses.
What, though, are the views of younger people who have grown up with awareness of linguistic variation and change? Schoolchildren are taught about standard and non-standard uses and in the media there is a wide array of regional accents used by presenters and broadcasters. E-communication is also playing a role in promoting colloquial and nonstandard language to the point where it may be achieving a new kind of respectability within society. We might think that these new attitudes could signal the end of linguistic purism but according to a survey conducted by Burridge among first year university linguistics students, the results revealed that there was still an overwhelming intolerance towards language change, especially when it came to American English influence. Of the 71 students interviewed, 81% expressed concern that the use of American elements was detrimental to Australian English.
It seems then that language attitudes are very deeply entrenched and that new attitudes and practices will take much longer to change, if they ever will. As Burridge concludes, the ‘definition of ‘dirt’ might change over the years, but the desire to clean up remains the same’.

33. I hate the word “deliverable”. Used by management consultants for something that they will “deliver” instead of a report. Joseph Wall, Newark-on-Trent, Nottinghamshire

Grammar Man says: I will not be held accountable for either the actions or the discourse of corporate America.

34. The most annoying Americanism is “a million and a half” when it is clearly one and a half million! A million and a half is 1,000,000.5 where one and a half million is 1,500,000. Gordon Brown, Coventry

Grammar Man says: You may have a point. Now talk to the person who emailed #20.

35. “Reach out to” when the correct word is “ask”. For example: “I will reach out to Kevin and let you know if that timing is convenient”. Reach out? Is Kevin stuck in quicksand? Is he teetering on the edge of a cliff? Can’t we just ask him? Nerina, London

Grammar Man says: That idiom has its uses, but it can be overused, I agree.

36. Surely the most irritating is: “You do the Math.” Math? It’s MATHS.Michael Zealey, London

Grammar Man says: Really? Do we have to capitalize all the letters, too? Or are you trying to compensate for something?

37. I hate the fact I now have to order a “regular Americano”. What ever happened to a medium sized coffee? Marcus Edwards, Hurst Green

Grammar Man says: First, we take over your language. Then, we take over your coffee. (Though I hear the antipodeans are making a move on your coffee, too.)

38. My worst horror is expiration, as in “expiration date”. Whatever happened to expiry? Christina Vakomies, London

Grammar Man says: I had never considered the latter word. I quite like it. And it’s shorter.

39. My favourite one was where Americans claimed their family were “Scotch-Irish”. This of course it totally inaccurate, as even if it were possible, it would be “Scots” not “Scotch”, which as I pointed out is a drink. James, Somerset

Grammar Man says: I never get between a Celt and his drink.

40.I am increasingly hearing the phrase “that’ll learn you” – when the English (and more correct) version was always “that’ll teach you”. What a ridiculous phrase! Tabitha, London

Grammar Man says: No self-respecting American with a high school diploma would ever say that, except in jest. (Actually, that phraseology may reflect the standard convention in the Appalachian dialect, in which case it would indicate a systematic, and therefore regionally appropriate, usage of the verb.)

41. I really hate the phrase: “Where’s it at?” This is not more efficient or informative than “where is it?” It just sounds grotesque and is immensely irritating. Adam, London

Grammar Man says: You are absolutely right. This is one of the two Americanisms listed here actually worthy of your scorn. The preposition at the end is unarguably superfluous.

42. Period instead of full stop. Stuart Oliver, Sunderland

Grammar Man says: They’re just different terms for the same thing.

43. My pet hate is “winningest”, used in the context “Michael Schumacher is the winningest driver of all time”. I can feel the rage rising even using it here. Gayle, Nottingham

Grammar Man says: If I were living in a country that could never use that term self-referentially, I would hate it, too.

44. My brother now uses the term “season” for a TV series. Hideous. D Henderson, Edinburgh

Grammar Man says: A TV series can run for multiple seasons. Do you, or your brother, not realize that?

45. Having an “issue” instead of a “problem”. John, Leicester

Grammar Man says: Apparently, Brits have an issue with nuance.

46. I hear more and more people pronouncing the letter Z as “zee”. Not happy about it! Ross, London

Grammar Man says: I’m not happy about your criticizing my pronunciation without explaining your own.

47. To “medal” instead of to win a medal. Sets my teeth on edge with a vengeance. Helen, Martock, Somerset

Grammar Man says: How many times has your soccer team medaled in the past eleven World Cup Finals?

That’s a bit below the belt isn’t it? Anyway, it’s football, not soccer thanks. The sport you refer to as football hardly involves contact between the ball and foot. It should be called “Head butt” or something. And what about The Baseball World Series? Come on! Only America takes part!

48. “I got it for free” is a pet hate. You got it “free” not “for free”. You don’t get something cheap and say you got it “for cheap” do you? Mark Jones, Plymouth

Grammar Man says: You’re right, you can’t get grammar lessons for cheap. You can either buy a grammar book for $15 – $50, or you can read my blog for free.

49. “Turn that off already”. Oh dear. Darren, Munich

Grammar Man says: You may have a point.

50. “I could care less” instead of “I couldn’t care less” has to be the worst. Opposite meaning of what they’re trying to say. Jonathan, Birmingham

Grammar Man says: You are without a doubt right. This is the second Americanism worthy of your scorn. As you point out, it means the opposite of what it is intended to mean.

We Americans appreciate the language you Brits gave us. We only wish you would appreciate the improvements we’ve made since then.

Here is a FULL TRANSCRIPT of EVERY WORD I SAY IN THIS EPISODE which has been generously sent in by Krissy. Thanks again Krissy I’m sure the listeners all appreciate your very hard work! There are some German translations included too.

121: Americanisms Part 2

 

Luke’s ENGLISH Podcast

You are listening to Luke’s English podcast. For more information visit teacherluke.podamatic.com.

Hi listeners, and welcome back to Luke’s English Podcast.

This episode is the continuation of the last one which was all about Americanisms. In that episode I went through a list of American expressions which British people don’t like. This is a list, published by the BBC of comments made by British people about American expressions that they hate.

Yes, ‘hate’. It’s a pretty strong word to use but basically, British people can be very sensitive about hearing American expressions used in British English. Many of them just don’t like it. It infuriates them, causes their blood pressure to rise and their blood to boil. But is it really worth getting so angry about the way British English is influenced by American English? Are the expressions genuinely wrong grammatically? In most cases, I don’t think so. Most of the expressions are grammatically ok. They’re just examples of standard conventions of American English, and it’s quite natural for American English to influence British English. We watch American TV shows, interact with Americans on the internet and meet more and more American people in our daily lives.

Perhaps some Americanisms sound less sophisticated than their British equivalents, but in fact many Americanisms really are efficient bits of language. They’re effective tools of communication, most of the time. Also, they are just the normal way in which Americans use the language, and essentially American English has just developed differently to the way British English has. When British people don’t like hearing other Brits using Americanisms, I think it’s pretty small- minded, especially when the criticisms given are things like “It’s grammatically wrong” or “It makes my blood boil”. Is it really grammatically wrong, or are you just arrogantly assuming that British English is the only way. And if Americanisms really do make people that angry, they should just calm down a bit.

small-minded:kleinkariert, engstirnig

British people like to think that because we are British, we have the right to be superior about the use of English. As if to say “well, it’s our language, so we can decide how it should be used”. I think we feel we have a connection to the real source of English heritage – Shakespeare and all that. However, in my experience, most British people don’t really have the linguistic knowledge to back up their complaints about American English, so when they complain about Americanisms, they just sound conservative, small-minded or snobbish. So, really, when a British person complains about American usage, do they really have a good linguistic point, or are they just being a bit judgemental about American English?

Linguistics is the scientific study of human language

judgemental:voreingenommen

In this episode I will continue to go through the list of British people’s most hated Americanisms, as published by the BBC. I will explain each comment, and then give my opinion. I’ve also got some comments from a language expert called Grammar Man who works at the University of Carolina.

The main questions I consider when judging these Americanisms are:

-Are they grammatically correct or not?

-Are they effective tools for communication? Do they effectively communicate a message? and

-Is the complaint really justified, or is it just snobbishness?

There is a transcript for pretty much everything  I am saying in this episode, again you can check it out on the website, which I am sure you know by now: Luke.. do I ….what is it again? That’s it: teacherLuke.podamatic.com.

How could you forget? How could I even forget that?

So you can read whatever I am saying. If there are words and phrases that you hear me saying and you think: ‘What does that mean?’ And then I don’t explain it, you can check it out on the transcript.

Okay, so, where did we stop in the last episode? I believe it was comment number 16. So here it is. So –

Number 16:

“I’m good” for “I’m well”.

That’ll do for a start’, says Mike in Bridgend, in Wales.

So he is complaining about the expression ‘I’m good’ instead of ‘I’m well.’

That would be for example: ‘Hi, how are you?’

‘I’m good, thanks’, rather than: ‘How are you?’

‘I am fine, thanks’, or  ‘I am well.’

To be honest, I don’t think we say ‘I am well’ when someone says ‘how are you?’ ‘How are you doing?’

Well, I don’t think people do that even, so already, Mike, you are on shaky ground because I think we say: ‘I’m fine, thanks’ and so what’s the problem, Mike from Wales with  ‘I am good?’ Well, I have heard lots of British people complain about this before. Americans do say that: ‘Hey, how you doing? ‘I’m good,’ you know and so lots of British people say that this is, well – first of all – they think it’s grammatically incorrect which is not true because it is grammatically correct because if you think about it, ‘good’ is an adjective, fine, like fine is an adjective and adjectives are used in this structure. We have for example the subject, for example ‘I’ plus the verb ‘be’, which in this case is ‘am’ and then you can have an adjective. It’s just a well-known structure. ‘It is interesting’, for example. ‘I am good’, so grammatically it is fine.

Good is an adjective. You can put an adjective there in the sentence.

I think another thing when British people complain about  sometimes is that the meaning is a bit ambiguous, as if to say ‘I’m good’ could mean ‘I am a good person’. But to be honest I don’t think that’s usually a problem because in that context you have to try to misunderstand, wouldn’t you? If you say to someone: ‘Hey, how are you?’ I may say: ‘Well, I am good’, and you think: ‘Does he mean he is a good person?’ I don’t think that would happen. I think it’s normal for you to assume that ‘I am good’ means ‘I am good, I am not ill, I am sort of healthy.’ Right? ‘I am in a good mood, I am not unhappy.’ So, ‘I am good.’

So I can’t imagine, really how anyone could misunderstand: ‘I am good’ to mean ‘I am a good person.’ Unless, you know, you are in sort of a Lord of the Rings movie, where it’s very important to establish that you are a good person when you meet someone, before you can kind of get  to know him because, you know,  in the Lord of the Rings or in Star Wars most people are just good or bad, aren’t they? So if you meet someone, so: ‘Hello stranger, how are you?’

‘Don’t worry, I am  good, I am a good  guy, don’t chop my head off with an axe’. But in the real world, of course, you don’t do that, you don’t establish whether you are a good person or not at the beginning of a conversation.  So I think you have to try to misunderstand: ‘I am good’ to mean ‘I am a good person’.

What does Grammar Man say?

He says: ‘There is a difference between good and well, indeed. The former is an adjective; the latter, an adverb. This distinction does elude many Americans, I admit. So you are saying that sometimes the difference between the adverbs and the adjectives is not obvious to some Americans.

latter: letztgenannt

the latter:letzteres

latter part:Hinterteil (Gesäß)

 

to elude sb.:jdm versagt bleiben

to elude capture:sich der Gefangennahme entziehen

 

For example: ‘How is the project going?’

‘It’s going good’.  Now, I can understand that. You should say: ‘It’s going well’, because we need an adverb there. You shouldn’t say: ‘It’s going good. So, that is a mistake that Americans make sometimes but ‘How are you?’

‘I am good, thanks.’ I think that’s all right.

He goes on to say: ‘However, adjectives, not adverbs, follow linking verbs – verbs like to be. Hence, the correct response to ‘How are you?’  is in fact ‘I’m good.’ The Brits are wrong again.’

Linking verbs do not express action. Instead, they connect the subject to additional information about the subject.

Well, I think we are all wrong because I think I have got it, but I think; Mike from Wales, you don’t really have a point. I think ‘I am good’ is okay and   it’s just more a question of usage. The Americans tend to say that whereas the British would say: ‘I am fine.’ So I suppose when Mike hears that he goes: ‘I can’t bear to hear American English being used the United Kingdom.’

United Kingdom is called the ‘United Kingdom’ because apparently we were united by a King. In fact, actually it’s a Queen whose family originally come from Germany so you know what does that say? I don’t know. So, right

Number17:

We got lots of points to go through so I shouldn’t mess around. Let’s just get through these fairly quickly, shall we? Okay then. Number seventeen: .

“Bangs” for a fringe of the hair.” Bangs for a fringe of the hair. That’s Philip Hall in Nottingham.

Well, we don’t really say ‘bangs’ in the UK, but I think in the USA, you know like a girl has got a fringe. That is just above her eyes or maybe just the fringe of the hair is just on the eyebrows. You know that kind of look, somehow like ‘ Ris with a spoon’ tends to have this haircut which is like a fringe going over the eyebrows,okay? And in America they call that ‘bangs’, bangs of hair, right? And in Britain we don’t say that. In fact, we don’t really have a name for the individual bits of hair in a fringe. In America they do. They call it bangs. So in fact really, we are missing a word there, aren’t we? As we don’t know what else to call it.

 

Ris with a spoon:Reese Witherspoon

Grammar Man says:

I don’t know what else to call them.

So I think this is just a  case of American English having  a word that we don’t have in British English. So Philip Hall in Nottingham: ‘You’ve learned a word, right? You should be happy. Right, moving on to

Number 18:

And this is from Simon Ball in Worcester.

I think we’ve heard from Simon Ball before. Well, anyway! Simon Ball from Worcester complains:

Take-out rather than take-away!

So take-out rather than take-away. So he thinks we should say takeaway and he gets annoyed when he hears people say take-out.

So, if you go to a restaurant, let’s see, if you go to a ‘starbox’ and you order a coffee, you can either drink the coffee in or you can go out with the coffee. A take-away! Right? You get a take-away coffee in the UK. And in America it will be a take-out, maybe a take-out meal or take-out coffee or something like that.

But Simon, come on, what’s the problem? Take-away, fine. It’s clear. You take it, you take it away from the place where you bought it. You don’t eat it there. ‘Take-out’, but that’s clear, too, isn’t it, Simon? ‘Take-out’, I mean you take it out of the restaurants. I am not gonna eat it in, I’m gonna take it out. I think that’s fine. You can’t say the take-away exclusively is the only way to explain that and that take-out is wrong. I think take-out is fine. It’s just another word to say the same thing.

Grammar Man says:

Well, it’s Six of one, and half a dozen of the other.

Okay, well. Half a dozen means six, okay. A dozen means twelve and that’s like sort of a traditionell word which would have been used by – like people who sold things in shops. You buy a dozen eggs for example and I mean it’s twelve eggs. So six of one and half a dozen of the other just means six of one and six of the other is basically saying – it’s just the same. It’s just the same way to say two things. Six of one, half of a dozen of the other means that there is no real argument. It’s just a, you know, American say take-out, Brits say take-away and they are not really that different.

Number 19:

 This is from Bob in Edinburgh and he says rather positively: I enjoy Americanisms. I suspect even some Americans use them in a tongue-in-cheek manner?

Right, what’s the tongue-in-cheek manner? What does that mean to use something in a toungue-in-cheek manner

Well, tongue-in-cheek just means when you do it sarcastically or ironically, okay? So if you do something tongue-in-cheek you do it ironically. So, let’s see. .  ..tongue-in-cheek, okay for example, if I was to win an award, I might do a kind of tongue-in-cheek speech, which is were I’d say: ‘I like to thank everyone for.. voting for me in the awards, I like to thank Father Christmas for all the help that he has given me over the years delivering gifts, I don’t know how you do it, Santa, I  really don’t. Well done so and you know thanks for keeping the dreams of millions of children alive so that they could then grow up happy, happy enough to vote for Luke’s English podcast in the future. So thanks a lot Santa.’

That’s gonna be a tongue-in-cheek acceptance speech.  Because I am not really being serious. You do something without being too  serious. You do it a bit  ironically. You do it in a tongue-in-cheek manner. Right? So he is saying: I enjoy Americanisms. I suspect, even some Americans use them in a tongue-in-cheek manner. So he things that some American people use Americanisms as a kind of joke, like a word joke, maybe. For example: ‘That statement was the height of ridiculosity.’

Ridiculosity, in fact it’s ridiculousness. But you do have some nouns that end in …osity, like velocity, virtuosity. So what he is doing, he is taking the word ‘ridiculous’ and he is putting a different suffix on it. So it’s not ridiculousness, but it’s ridiculosity. And that’s quite funny because if you think about it the word ‘ridiculosity’ is somehow more ridiculous than the word ridiculousness.

velocity:Geschwindigkeit, Schnelligkeit

air velocity:Luftgeschwindigkeit, Luftstrom

 

So this is an example of the  creative  misuse of language.

Grammar Man says:

This is a great example of wordplay! So yeah , maybe some Americanisms are just Americans having a bit of fun with the language.

Number 20

This is a half hour instead of half an hour.

And this is from EJB in Devan in the UK.

So he thinks ‘half an hour’ should be correct and a half hour is incorrect.

But now, come on. A half hour is pretty clear and there are other examples of this, like you’d have a half pint. A half pint, that’s half a glass of beer. Right, a half pint, so why can’t we have a half hour?

I think it’s all right.

Grammar Man says: I suspect this person has a half brain.

Hahaha mmm O Grammar Man here you go again. Right!

Number 21

This is A “heads up”.

This is from R. Haworth in Marlborough.

A heads up, for example in a business meeting. Let’s do a ‘heads up’ on this issue. I have never been sure of the meaning.

 A heads-up.

Well, I suppose this means if everyone in your team is working on a project. They are kind of –  they got their heads down. Their heads are down when they are working and they are focusing on just their own thing. They are not looking at each other. They are not communicating because they got their heads down. So if you do a heads up on something I guess it means that everyone looks up.

I’ve just received a text message.

If you do a heads-up it means everyone looks up and they kind of look at each other and they communicate what’s going on. So to do a heads up is like to have a meeting. Have a quick meeting just to check whatever one is up to and what the progress of the project is. Let’s do a heads-up. It could be maybe to bring attention to something. You know if you bring attention to something then people will put their heads up so that is a heads-up. I suppose you could say it’s not very sophisticated to say, let’s see ‘heads-up’ to make that into a noun. Just those two words into a noun, you know, it’s a bit unconventional but that’s what it means. It is an example of a kind of a cliché that might be used in management speak or business, sort of this kind of business English. You find a lot of idiomatic language in business English because somehow they like to be deflectable with the language just to be efficient sometimes. But it can result in slightly  annoying or cliché  bits of  language.

deflectable:ablenkbar

Grammar Man says:

I’ve never claimed to understand what happens in business meetings.

So he is saying, well, I suppose this is something specific to the business world and he is not really sure what it means either. Okay.

I’ll check the text message that I got. Let me see. I didn’t put my phone on silent while I was recording this. Ah, that  is from my mom. That’s nice.  It’s always about Christmas presents. Christmas is coming up and everyone is asking each other what they want for Christmas. So I have to tell my mom what I want for Christmas. Oooh, what would I like? What would be good as a Christmas present?  I mean obviously I have got to be sensible. I can’t just ask for like a helicopter. That would  be good. Maybe I should scale it down a bit and just go for a jet-pack.

to scale sth. down:etwas herungerschrauben

to scale down the expectations:die Erwartungen herunterschrauben

 

Ein Raketenrucksack (auch Jet-Pack oder Jetpack) ist eine auf dem Rückstoßprinzip (meist heißer Verbrennungsgase basierende, tragbare Antriebseinheit, mit der sich eine einzelne Person frei in der Luft (oder im Weltall) bewegen kann. Der Begriff Jet-Pack ist eine Ableitung des englischen Wortes für Rucksack (Backpack) in Anspielung auf die Tragweise des Gerätes.

 

 

It might be a good idea. No, I think I am gonna just ask for a jacket, actually from my mom. So mom if you are listening to this you can get me a jacket, maybe a leather – like a brown leather jacket. I might send you a link. My mom listens to this sometimes. In fact, she is not being very well. She’s had flu and she’s been in bed with flu. So mom if you are listening to this I hope you’re feeling better. I hope that you are back at your feet again and we are very much looking forward to coming home for Christmas, mom, looking forward to that, right. Actually mama wonder what do you think, what are you thinking of this episode? because I know sometimes you don’t like Americanisms. Maybe I have to talk to you about that at Christmas. I might even record it so that the listeners to Luke’s English podcast can listen it and just learn, just learn loads of English while they are doing it.

Yes, right, moving on.

Number 22

Train station: My teeth are on edge every time I hear it. Who started it? Have they been punished?

That’s from Chris Capewell in Queens Park in London.

So he doesn’t like the expression train station. I suppose he thinks that railway station is better. In fact he hates train station so much that his teeth are on edge every time he hears it. If your teeth are on edge it means you are – ooch

finally it is really difficult, it’s really horrible to hear. So it makes you squirm and it makes you shudder and cringe. Aaah, your teeth are on edge. ahh I can’t stand it. Who started saying train station? Well, it’s unknown. Is it specifically American? Maybe, but come on, what’s wrong with train station. I mean really it’s a station. Trains that’s where you go to get a train. Trains stop in them, let’s call it a train station. I don’t see the problem. Railway station is well, fine. I mean railway is the track that the trains travel on but, you know, it’s pretty much the same thing, isn’t it? There is nothing wrong with saying train station. Just in the same way that there is nothing wrong with saying railway station. It’s just another way of saying the same thing. So there is no need to punish people for saying train station, Chris, come on, man.

Grammar Man says:

Have you been punished yet for talking out of turn? Go and stand in the corner and don’t come back until you have a good point to make.

Am I talking out of turn?:Ist meine Bemerkung fehl am Platz?

Okay, let’s take a little break from the list now and let’s hear from an American reader. So this is a comment from Melanie Johnson and she is a master student in applying linguistics  here in the UK. She is actually from America but she is living in the UK and she is studying a master’s degree in applied linguistics. So I am sure that she is gonna have quite a balanced view on this subject. Being American, living in the UK and generally being very educated about linguistics. Let’s hear what she says: So she says:

The idea that there once existed a “pure” form of English is simply untrue. The English spoken in the UK today has been influenced by a number of languages, including Dutch, French and German. Speakers from the time of William the Conqueror would not recognise what we speak in Britain as English. This is because language variation shifts are constantly changing.

Five years ago you might have found it odd if someone asked you to “friend” them, but today many of us know this means to add them on Facebook. The increased use of technology, in combination with the rise of a globalised society, means language changes are happening faster than ever, especially in places with highly diverse populations like London. Young people are usually at the vanguard of this, so it’s no surprise to find London teenagers increasingly speaking what’s been termed “multicultural ethnic English”.

Changes in word use are normal and not unique to any language. But English does enjoy a privileged status as the world’s lingua franca. That began with the British, but has been maintained by the Americans. It’s difficult to predict how English will  evolve, but the one certainty is it will.

So she is saying something I think we pretty early made that point that you know the influence of Americanisms on British English is all parts of a natural way in which language changes over time and you can either understand that and go with it or you get very angry and annoyed and complain and throw your toys out of the pram. Right let’s move on.

Number 23

We are almost halfway through the list and we are twenty-three minutes into the podcast. So, let’s go. So, this is from Chris Fackrell in York in the UK and he says: To put a list into alphabetical order is to ‘alphabetize it’ – horrid! So he thinks the verb ‘to alphabetize something is horrible. That means put it in alphabetical order, for example: I alphabetize my record collection.

Well, I don’t know. Is it really intrinsically horrible to say alphabetize? I mean it’s rather a long slightly clumsy-sounding word: ‘alphabetize’  and you might say it’s a bit basic to just take the word alphabet and turn it  into a verb. But it’s pretty effective, isn’t it? You know what I mean, to alphabetize something means to put it into alphabetical order it’s certainly easier to say.

intrinsically:an sich

intrinsically:wirklich, wesentlich

.

Grammar Man says:

There is no doubt, we Americans are notorious for transforming nouns into verbs. If we hadn’t introduced this practice, imagine how annoyed you’d  be always having to say, “I’ll add you as a friend on Facebook,” instead of, “I’ll friend you.”

Okay, I think we get the point. to To say I’ll friend you is just a much quicker, much easier way of saying ‘I will add you as a friend on facebook’. I suppose the same applies to alphabetize. Right!

Number 24

People that say “my bad” after a mistake. I don’t know how anything could be as annoying or as lazy as that.

That’s from Simon Williamson in Lymington, Hampshire in the UK. My bad. Okay, so for example if you –  let’s say, you take the wrong bus with your friend and you are riding along and your friend says: ‘Oh no, we are on the wrong bus. We are going  the wrong direction.’ And you go, ‘oh yes, sorry, my bad’.  That means it was my fault. I did a bad thing, I chose the wrong bus in this case. My bad,,eeh ye, my bad. Yeah, I suppose it’s not very grammatical. You can’t say my and then an adjective. You have to say: My followed by a noun, don’t you?   I mean you might say: ‘My bad mistake’. But essentially it’s my bad , sorry, it’s my mistake. My and a noun. So saying my and an adjective. Yeah, it’s a bit… it’s not  really  grammatically correct. But still it’s clear what it means. I means: I did soemthing bad. So

Grammar Man says:

For a while I thought the British were actually more sophisticated than us. Then I picked up an issue of The Sun. My bad.

So not really answering the particular point, but he is saying that he thinks ‘my bad’  is okay. Taht  you can say it. In fact, he makes fun of the British saying that he thought we were sophisticated and then he picked up an issue of ‘the Sun’.

Well, ‘the Sun’ is a newspaper in the UK and I agree with  Grammar Man, it’s not sophisticated at all. It’s a deeply unsophisticated –  very sort of sort of small-minded and it’s the sort of newspaper that sells papers by doing stories about celebrities and showing pictures of girls with their boobs out.

boobs:Titten

baggy boobs:Hängetitten

So guys, if you are in England and pick up a copy of the Sun, there is just a naked girl on page three. In fact it’s one of the most popular newspapers in the country, one of the most best-selling newspapers and they’ve had a naked girl on page three for years and years and years. It’s almost like an institution. But is that really a serious way to, you know, sort  of  – conduct journalism?

to conduct:betreiben

to counduct business:Geschäfte leiten

to counduct negotiations:Verhandungen führen

No it’s not. So it’s not a sophisticated paper. They have ridiculous stories, a lot of them  not really true.  They get their information in a  very dodgy way and only recently there has been a bit scandal about how the tabloid papers in this country were kind of hacking into people’s mobile phones and things like that.

dodgy:zwielichtig, unzuverlässig

dodgy dealings:krumme Geschäfte

dodgy weather:unstetes Wette

that’s a dodgy situation:das ist eine riskante Situation

 

I agree, the Sun is a pretty awful paper. Nevertheless if you read it, it’s full of idioms and it’s full of phrasal verbs. There is loads of language that you can learn from the Sun. But as a piece of journalism – no, it’s not very sophisticated. Right.

Point 25

This is from Tom Gabbutt in Huddersfield in England. And he says: Normalcy instead of normality really irritates me. Normalcy instead of normality, so I might say; in New York after the hurricane it took a long time for things to get back to normalcy or for things to get back to normality. Well,

Grammar Man says:

These words are in fact different, and people should be corrected when confusing them. Though I don’t think the confusion is particularly American. Are you confused?

So he is saying that actually these two words are separate words and it’s true a lot of people confuse them but he doesn’t think that’s just the Americans.

Normalcy and normality okay, we have to google this one: Normalcy okay there is normalcy vs. normality.

Okay this is a website called  Grammarist.com  and normalcy vs normality there is no

normality and normalcy are different spellings of the same word. Okay, so that kind of contradicts what Grammar Man said: Normality is cenuries older though and many

usage authorities consider it the superior form. Nouns ending in -cy are usually derived from adjectives ending in -t-for example, pregnancy from pregnant, complacency from complacent, hesitancy from hesitant-while adjectives ending in -l usually take the -ity suffix . Normalcy is unique in flouting this convention.

to flout:missachten

to flout sth.:sich über etwas hinwegsetzen

 

convention:Vereinbarung, Brauch

So maybe there is a case here for saying that normalcy is  kind of wrong and normality is okay.

Well, we will see. Maybe in the future everyone is going to start saying normalcy, but I doubt it. I think we’ll continue to say normality.

Normalcy – normality. Normality is longer. It’s got  four syllables,  so maybe normalcy is a slightly more efficient word.

Number 26

As an expat living in New Orleans, it is a very long list but “burglarize” is currently the word that I most dislike.

expat:im Ausland Lebender

 

That’s from Simon in New Orleans. But I suspect he is a Brit. Okay, burglarize. Well, you know the word burglary? Or to burgle something. Well, a burglary is when someone breaks into a building in order to steal something. So it’s a kind of theft. So breaking into a building to steal something is called burglary and the person who does is called  burglar and in British English the verb is to burgle something, like you burgle a property Well, hopefully you don’t burgle a property but people do burgle properties sometimes and so Simon’s complain is that burglarize is an unnecessary verb. That we already have burgle. But I suspect  in America they don’t really use burgle.

Grammar Man says:

Again, you should thank us for making a habit of verbing  nouns.

Alright, okay, well done, yes. Well done for verbing nouns but we already have burgle, we don’t need burglarize. Burglarize, it sounds funny to us because we already have the verb burgle. So if we add -ize on it is like – What? unnecessarily long – burglarize,  burglarizationisms.

That’s a common complain that Brits have about Americans in their English  is that they unnecessarily lengthen  words.

There have been a number of instances of burglarizationism i ties  over the past few months isationisms okay, but burglarize?

yeah I am not that bothers I think it’s just that we use burgle and the Americans don’t.

 

Number 27

This is from John in London. And John says:  .

Oftentimes” just makes me shiver with annoyance. Fortunately I’ve not noticed it over here yet. So it makes him shiver with annoyance.  och och it’s so annoying. Calm down John, it’s not that bad. Oftentimes. Well, actually ‘oftentimes’ is used in Macbeth, by Shakespeare. Banquo. One of the characters in the play, Macbeth says  oftentimes. So it’s an example of English that was used over here, the Americans then took it over there. We stopped using it, they continued, and now we just get pissed off about it because we assume it’s wrong. So, Shakespeare used it, John. You’d know that if you’d read some. Then again, if you read Shakespeare these days it’s seriously difficult to understand. At least, so oftentimes is pretty clear, isn’t it? Oftentimes –  really it’s not necessary though. We just say often .So I agree that  it’s not a great word, but actually , if you say,  if you say: Fortunately I haven’t noticed it over here yet, well, you haven’t noticed it because you haven’t read any Shakespeare. In fact it was over there five hundred years ago when Shakespeare was knocking around. So, okay.

Number 28

Eaterie. An eaterie. This is from Alastair in Maidstone.

And he says eaterie to use as a prevalent phrase – oh my gaad! So an eaterie is a noun which is a place where you eat. Okay?

prevalent:verbreitet

prevalent feeling/opinion:vorherrschende Meinung

Grammar Man says: While you’re at the eatery, would you like some fish and some French fries with your whine?

Okay that’s another kind of word joke here from Grammar Man.

With your whine. Wine, as we know is a drink, red wine or white wine. But also whine is another word, spelled w h i n e and to whine is to complain about things in an annoying way. Like:

‘Oh God, why you are making such a huge difference in  English?  oou! That’s to whine about something. So he is saying: Would you like some fish and French fries with your whine? So he is just suggesting that Alastair is just whining about this particular word and also there is a kind of a dig here from Grammar Man about ‘fish and chips.’

In America they don’t call them chips they call them fries or French fries so he is saying fish and French fries and actually it’s fish and chips.

Alright!

Number 29

This is from Ami  in New York and the comment goes  ‘I’m a Brit living in New York. The one that always gets me is the American need to use the word bi-weekly when fortnightly would suffice just fine.’

it get sb.:jdn.nerven

So the woman always gets me is the American need to use the word bi-weekly  when fortnightly would suffice just fine.’

Okay, so fortnight is two weeks, okay, I’ll see you in a fortnight. It means I’ll see you in two weeks. Fortnightly is the adverb and the Americans might say bi-weekly. But, okay. I don’t think there is really anything that wrong with bi-weekly. Bi you know it’s a prefix which means two, like bicyle, bisexual for example. Bi means two. Bi-weekly. I mean, I think it’s really clear. A bi-weekly meeting means a meeting that’s gonna happen every two weeks.

And . Grammar Man says:

The meaning of the former term is more obvious, and it’s three characters shorter.

So he is saying that bi-weekly is actually more obvious than fortnightly and I kind of agree and it’s three characters shorter, so it’s actually a shorter word. So he is suggesting that bi-weekly is better. Judging whether – deciding whether  a word or one word is better than another is really very subjective and so if the Brits say fortnightly, they prefer it just out of habit just  because that’s the language that they speak and it’s all  part of their cultural identity. And so it’s very such a subjective choice. We just know fortnightly because you’ve heard it since you were a child and so when you hear bi-weekly, it just feels wrong, feels unnatural. But really if you take a look at the language properly, it’s not really wrong, it means something, it is not grammatically incorrect, it’s just different. Okay.

Number 30

I hate “alternate” for “alternative”. I don’t like this as they are two distinct words, both have distinct meanings and it’s useful to have both. Using alternate for alternative deprives us of a word. That’s Catherine in London.

And Grammar Man says:

You have a point. But I don’t think the confusion is particularly American.

So he is saying we all get confused with alternate and alternative and that’s not just an American thing.

Number 31 

Hike” a price. Does that mean people who do that are hikers? No, hikers are ramblers! That’s M Holloway from  Accrington in England.

So to hike a price basically means to raise a price. Okay, but we also have a word ‘hike’ which means go for a walk in the country side.

to raise a price:einen Preis erhöhen

to hike up fares:die Fahrpreise erhöhen

And a hiker is a person who goes for a walk in the country side. A rambler is the same thing and

Grammar Man says:

No, hikers are backpackers; ramblers are wanderers. Okay, so he is saying that basically in America a backpacker – they call hikers backpackers and they call ramblers wanderers. So backpackers and wanderers-  just two sets of words – they mean the same thing. Right? So in England we say hikers and ramblers, in America they say backpackers and wanderers. So there you go. Deal with it!

Number 32 

Going forward? If I do so I shall collide with my keyboard.

That’s Ric Allen in Matlock. So going forward is an expression. Again you might hear in  business meeting and it basically means going into the future – moving forward into the future. So going forward. But it’s a cliché. So people just drop that into a sentence all the time when they are talking about things to do in the future. For example going forward, I think we need to look carefully at our marketing campaigns. Right?

Going forward we need to broaden our product range for example, okay? So going forward. So, I think Ric Allen is saying that going forward is confusing because if you go forward you’ll collide with your keyboard. Literally go forward. But come on, Ric, going forward is clearly an idiomatic use of the language and you can’t be unaware  that English is full of idiomatic expressions as like most languages are. So going forward doesn’t mean literally going forward, come on, it just means metaphorically going forward.

metaphorically speaking:bildlich gesprochen

Grammar Man says:

British schools must be in a worse state than American schools, if a Brit is allowed to pass English without understanding the difference between figurative and literal language.

So figurative language is like methaphoric language and he is saying basically he is surprised that Ric doesn’t know the difference between figurative and literal language.

Right let’s take another break from the list here and look at some commentary about the idea of language change and how people feel about unwanted elements in language. This is from an article by Sue Fox from the linguistic research Digest and you can see the link on the page. And it goes like this:

Kate Burridge, a researcher and Professor of Linguistics, has taken a look at the attitudes and activities of ordinary people as reflected in letters to newspapers, listener comments on radio and email responses to her own comments made about language in various broadcasts. She states that linguistic purists tend to make a very clear distinction between what they see as ‘clean’ and ‘dirty’ in language – in other words, what is desirable or undesirable. There are two aspects to this distinction; the first is that purists tend to want to retain the language in its perceived traditional form and they therefore resist language change and the second is that they want to rid the language of what they consider to be ‘unwanted elements’, including foreign influences. Burridge likens linguistic purism to dealing with taboo practices generally – ‘the human struggle to control unruly nature’.

Some of the examples that Burridge provides are quite alarming. People often get very abusive, this is when they feel upset about unwanted elements in language or language change. People often get very abusive  making aggressive statements about how people who use certain “wrong usages” should be killed. Some people seem hysterical about language change. One person referred to the ‘rape of the English language’ as ‘escalating out of control’ and ‘indulged in by people of all ages’. As Burridge notes, these are clearly passionate and confident responses, indicating that language matters to a lot of people.

Burridge also notes that many extracts that she has examined express concern over the ‘Americanization’ of English, especially as it pertains to New Zealand and Australian English, where the topic is hotly debated. She refers to newspaper headlines such as ‘Facing an American Invasion’ and to one writer who considers that English is deteriorating into a ‘kind of abbreviated American juvenile dialect’.

Why, then, do people hold such strong views about language use? The view held by Burridge, and indeed most linguists, is that such concerns about language use are not usually based on genuine linguistic worries but are reflections of deeper and more general social concerns. She suggests that the opposition to American English is more to do with linguistic insecurity in the face of a cultural, political and economic superpower and that somehow American English poses a threat to authentic ‘downunder English’ and perhaps to Australian and New Zealand cultural identity. Similarly, links are often made between ‘bad language’ and ‘bad behaviour’ and there is often an (unjustified) idea promoted that if a person has no regard for the nice points of grammar, then that person will probably have no regard for the law. With such deeply embedded attitudes towards language use, it is perhaps no wonder that we find such emotionally charged responses.

What, though, are the views of younger people who have grown up with awareness of linguistic variation and change? Schoolchildren are taught about standard and non-standard uses and in the media there is a wide array of regional accents used by presenters and broadcasters. E-communication is also playing a role in promoting colloquial and nonstandard language to the point where it may be achieving a new kind of respectability within society. We might think that these new attitudes could signal the end of linguistic purism but according to a survey conducted by Burridge among first year university linguistics students, the results revealed that there was still an overwhelming intolerance towards language change, especially when it came to American English influence. Of the 71 students interviewed, 81% expressed concern that the use of American elements was detrimental to Australian English.

It seems then that language attitudes are very deeply entrenched and that new attitudes and practices will take much longer to change, if they ever will. As Burridge concludes, the ‘definition of ‘dirt’ might change over the years, but the desire to clean it remains the same’.

Okay, so, I guess making a few points –  one is that people are very very passionate about their feelings regarding language change particularly when it’s from a foreign source like America and so they get upset about it because it somehow goes right to the core of their cultural identity and also it seems that even young people who are sort of educated about linguistics, they still don’t like the American influence and so fact is, these things are very deep and personal.

Okay, moving on

Number 33

Let’s get through this list in this episode. Let’s keep it  in one episode, if possible. Okay! Number 33:

This is from Joseph Wall in Newark-on-Trent in Nottinghamshire. And Joseph says: I  hate the word “deliverable”. Used by management consultants for something that they will “deliver” instead of a report. So, you know, we will be able to sense a few deliverables. What kind of deliverables can you give me on this? I suppose meaning sort of  what kind of reports can you deliver?

Well, Grammar Man says:

I will not be held accountable for either the actions or the discourse of corporate America.

So again he is gonna distances himself away from the business world and  saying, he is suggesting,  I suppose  that in business people do strange things and they speak in strange ways. So, in this case they turned the word deliver into a noun and said deliverable. But there we go again. The Americans turning nouns into verbs. They are quite fond of that.

Number 34:

This is from Gordon Brown in Coventry. I don’t think that’s the former Prime Minister of Britain. Gordon Brown. I think it’s probably just a coincidence. Maybe this Grodon Brown –  maybe I should do it in a Gordon Brown voice. Let’s try that.

I have never ever tried to do a Gordon Brown voice in my life before but I am gonna do it now. You probably don’t know who Gordon Brown is. Well a fact is he was the Prime Minister of Britain for quite a few years between 2000 – when did he become Prime Minister? 2007 I think – until about 2010. So just about three years. He wasn’t very popular. But anyway this is what his voice sounds like. This is what I think his voice sounds.

The most annoying  – no, I can’t do it. No, in fact I’ve just realised that I can’t do it. But what I will do is, I will do it in the voice of John Connery because  it’s the closest thing I can do to Gordon Brown. Okay, so

The most annoying Americanism is “a million and a half” when it is clearly one and a half million! A million and a half is 1 million point five where one and a half million is one million five hundred thousand. That’s Gordon Brown in Coventry.

That was the crappiest John McConnery voice I’ve ever done. Honestly, I do it normally much better than that.

Anyway, the most annoying Americanism is ‘a million and a half’ when it’s clearly one and a half million. A million and a half is one million point five where one and a half million is one million five hundred thousand.

Hmm, okay.

Well Grammar Man says:

You may have a point. Maybe you have a point. A million and a half could mean a million and half of one –  you know like a million point five.

Okay, fine! a million and a half. But I think we all know what a million and a half is. If you say that. I think so. But maybe there is a point. Maybe you should say one and a half million. Okay.

Number 35

This is Nerina in London. and she says: “Reach out to” when the correct word is “ask”. For example: “I will reach out to Kevin and let you know if that timing is convenient”. Reach out? Is Kevin stuck in quicksand? Is he teetering on the edge of a cliff? Can’t we just ask him? says Nerina in London

So to reach out to someone instead of ask someone. Well, Nerina, these kind of – these kinds of phrasal verbs they are not just exclusive to American English, are they? I mean we have plenty of these phrasal verbs in English. It’s not just something the Americans are doing. For example let’s see: To go past in fact. To go past is a good one. Alright to copy me in on a message. You copy me in on that message. Copy me in on the message. Can’t you just say: Can you copy me in a message. Copy me on the message? Why do we have to say in on the message. I mean there is no real logic in many cases to phrasal verbs in the way they are used prepositions. They just become separate items of lectures. So reach out to is okay but I understand that the meaning of it. Why do we say reach out as if someone is like somehow difficult to reach –  we reach out to them, like stretching your arm out to get in touch with someone. Okay, well

Grammar Man says:

That idiom has its uses, but it can be overused, I agree.

So to reach out to someone can be useful. Maybe if someone is a – like some difficult to contact or they are not likely to get back in touch with you, you reach out. You know it’s difficult. You can say maybe you reach out your arm and hope that they’ll come and grab it in the same way that you try to contact with someone and just hope that they reciprocate and make contact with you. So you reach out to someone maybe –  someone is very angry with you and you want him to forgive you –  you don’t know if they will but you just kind of reach out to them and eh you know really politely plead that they forgive you, might be the case when it’s used. But maybe reach out to is overused and  you should just say ask in many cases.

Number 36

Surely the most irritating is: “You do the Math.” Math? It’s MATHS in capital letters.

Okay, you do the math. So you do the math is like you work it out, okay. So let’s see. I’ll think of an example. You do the Math ..okay, so let’s say you are speculating on something so you’d say something like Kate Middleton  is in hospital and William is being talking about buying baby clothes. You do the maths.

That means  you work it out, meaning, I think that Kate’s pregnant. You do the maths –  meaning if you look at the evidence, Kate Middleton is in hospital and William is like buying baby cloths. You do the math and work it out. You work out. ‘Wow, Kate’s pregnant.’ The issue is that in America they say Math for mathematics and we say maths – with an s on it for mathematics.

Okay, mathematics. Math or maths, it’s pretty small thing. I mean maybe maths is correct because it’s plural. But it’s an abbreviation. So you don’t always pluralize abbreviations.

So math, I think it’s all right. It’s just again just two different ways to say something. Two different ways to abbreviate mathematics.

Grammar Man says:

Really, do we have to capitalize all the letters too or are you trying to compensate for something.

So that’s because Michael in his message capitalized the word math so M A T H S in capitel letters. So he is saying is that necessary or are you trying to compensate for something?

Okay, if you make something a lot bigger. you may be trying to compensate so

maybe if something that you have is small, you need to make something else big in order to compensate for the fact that you seem to have a lot of smallness going on in your life. That’s difficult to explain.

Well, let me give you another example. Let’s say a man has a small penis, okay, let’s say a man has a small penis and so in order to compensate for that  – what he does is, he goes out and he buys a really big car, because he feels inadequate – feels  soemhow not good enough, not big enough and so he buys a big car in order to compensate for it. So basically Grammar Man is suggesting that Michael by putting MATHS in big letters is trying to compensate the fact that he has a small penis. So basically, Grammar Man is saying

Michael Zealey in London: You’ve got a small penis, okay!

Number 37

I hate the fact I now have to order a “regular Americano“. What ever happened to a medium sized coffee? says Marcus Edwards in Hurst Green in London.

Is it in London? Marcus Edwards in Hurst Green, England. Now a regular  Americano. Yeah, okay –  it sounds like rather complicated   language,  just immediate coffee or small coffee, but the fact is you know, coffee is a bit complex. There are many different ways to serve it and prepare it and an Americano is basically an expresso with water in it, isn’t it? It’s like a long coffee or maybe a filter coffee, I think. Could be that. So

Grammar Man says:

First, we take over your language. Then, we take over your coffee. (Although I hear the antipodeans are making a move on your coffee, too.)

antipodeans:aus Australien oder Neuseeland

So, he’s just making fun of Marcus saying: First we take your language then we take over your coffee. But that’s quite an interesting point that maybe Marcus’ complain is not necessarily about the language but about the fact that the culture is changing too and that we now order Americano coffee rather than just a black coffee. So maybe there is something in that. But it’s not just a question of language change,  but  general cultural change as well. How do people feel about it? Well they get a bit upset about it. Don’t make it.  It’s all part of their way of life.

Number 38

My worst horror is expiration, as in “expiration date”. Whatever happened to expiry? said Christina in London.

Well, okay – expiration date or expiry date. You know if you buy something, let’s say you buy a yoghurt from the supermarket and on the top of the yoghurt there is a date. And that’s when you should eat the jogurt by. You should eat it before that date. So in the UK it’s called the expiring date and in America expiration date.

And well, again two words that mean the same thing. But expiry might be better because it’s slightly smaller. It’s slightly more efficient.

Grammar Man says:

I had never considered the latter word. I quite like it. And it’s shorter.

So here we go. He quite  likes expiry.

Remember latter and former, when you got two options. The former is the first one, latter is the second one, okay?

Number 39

My favourite one was where Americans claimed their family were “Scotch-Irish“. This of course it totally inaccurate, as even if it were possible, it would be “Scots” not “Scotch”, which as I pointed out is a drink said James in Somerset.

So, James gets very upset about the fact that Americans do have like family from Scotland or Ireland call themselves ‘Scotch-Irish’ and apparently that’s not correct because Scotch is a kind of whiskey and that the correct word is Scots not Scotch. This is kind of common thing. People say that Scotch is the adjective of Scotish and apparently it is not. But I think in America if you have like family history from that part of the world and everyone in America who comes from Scotland or Ireland might call themselves Scotch-Irish. Can you not just let them chose the way they talk   about their own culture.

Grammar Man says:

I never get between a Celt and his drink.

So he is saying that never get between a Celt and his drink because Celtic people are known for drinking a lot. So you should never get between –  never get in the middle of a Celtic person when they drink because it’s just not gonna be a happy situation. All right!

Number 40

I am increasingly hearing the phrase “that’ll learn you”

That’ll learn you –  that will learn you.

When the English (and more correct) version was always “that’ll teach you”. What a ridiculous phrase! says Tabitha in London.

 

That’ll learn you!

So, that will teach you. For example if someone – let’s say a child is doing something stupid and then fall over and hurt himself.

‘Aha, hurt and that’ll teach you. You shouldn’t climb on that. It’s dangerous, don’t do it. That’ll teach you’.

Apparently some people say: That will learn you. And sure it’s not strictly correct because something doesn’t learn you, you learn something, right? Something teaches you. But I think that will learn you is kind of part of usage in certain American dialects like maybe in the South. They might say: That’ll learn you.’ But most people don’t say that.

And Grammar Man says:

No self-respecting American with a high school diploma would ever say that, except in jest. So, they would only say as a joke.  (Actually, that phraseology may reflect the standard convention in the Appalachian dialect, in which case it would indicate a systematic, and therefore regionally appropriate, use of the verb.)

So if – enough people in that region use it – then that kind of makes it allright. I suppose. That is what Grammar Man is saying. But most people don’t say it. It’s just something in a particular dialect.

Number 41

I really hate the phrase: “Where’s it at?” “Where’s it at?”

This is not more efficient or informative than “where is it?” It just sounds grotesque and is immensely irritating, says Adam in London.

Grammar Man says: You are absolutely right. This is one of the two Americanisms listed here –  actually worthy of your scorn.The preposition at the end is unarguably superfluous. So superfluous means not necessary. Okay, so where is it at is not necessary to say ‘where is it?’ Fine. But you still hear that. It’s like ‘cool language’. Yeah the language of the kids. I don’t know why I am making a fool of myself but –  where’s it at? Where is the party at meaning where is the party?  I suppose if you want to sound cool with your friends –  if you are a teenager or something –  no I am obviously making a fool of myself here because I am in my thierties. I have forgotten what it was like to be a teenager. But if you are a teenager you might not want to say to your friends: ‘Come on where is the party?’ you might want to say: ‘Where is the party at?’

If you are a teenager and you listen to this:’What would you say?’ You can send your emails to Luketeacher@hotmail.com or alternatively just leave a comment below this episode of the podcast and I’d love to hear from you, oh, yes.

Number 42

Period instead of full stop from Stuart Oliver in Sunderland.

Well  a full stop is the dot at the end of a sentence. It just shows that the sentence is finished. Full stop. But in America , they call that a period. Fine! Two words – same thing. Full stop, the Americans say  period. You might hear that like in movies. ‘You are off the case, you are off the case, Johnson, period.’ Meaning you are not the police officer that is gonna handle this case and that’s it. Full stop. okay.

Grammar Man says:

They’re just different terms for the same thing.

okay

Number 43

My pet hate is “winningest“, used in the context “Michael Schumacher is the winningest driver of all time”. I can feel the rage rising even using it here. That’s Gayle in Nottingham.

So, she get really angry at the expression ‘winningest‘.

Okay, so  the word winningest – well, you have the word to win, obviously it’s the verb. You win a contest, winning is – you know – if you say: ‘I am winning.’ Obviously that’s  the present participle. So winning has become kind of a buzz word on the internet.

buzz word:Modewort

So if you are winning it means that generally  you are sort of like being cool or doing something well. As opposed to failing. Failing is when you are doing something badly or doing something wrong, winning it means you doing it well you are having a good time, you are cool. You are ‘down with the kids’, yeah –  winning, right?

So winning, Charlie Sheen, for example said winning a lot when he was on the internet having a mental breakdown

Winning, so it just  means being successful, right? So winningest is now like a new superlative, adjective from the word winning. So it’s just the case of the language being – some  people are just playing around with the language, changing it  around just for their own enjoyment.

Grammar Man says:

If I were living in a country that could never use that term self-referentially, I would hate it, too.

So he is saying that when people say winningest they are doing it as an ironic self-referential thing. They know that they are doing it. So he is saying that …he is critisizing Britain saying that in Britan people can’t use a term in a self-referential manner. But that’s not really true, because British people love to be ironic about the language they use but basically Gayle in Nottingham: ‘Don’t get too upset about it just   people  playing around with language.

Number 44 

My brother now uses the term “season” for a TV series. Hideous. That’s from D Henderson in Edinburgh. Hideous!

Hideous means absolutely awful. Absolutely horrible. So using the word season for a TV series – hideous – but it’s not really hideous. Is it because like a TV series. A TV series is obviously like a set – a number of shows that are broadcast within a certain period. We call it a series in the UK whereas in America they call them seasons, you know. If you have seen the first season of Lost for example. But I don’t see what’s wrong with season, really because it – kind of – often these TV series from America. They are quite long. They might last for months in which case it’s approbriate to call it a season. It’s all right. It’s not hideous. It’s fine..

Grammar Man says:

A TV series can run for multiple seasons. Do you, or your brother, not realize that?

Number 45

Having an “issue” instead of a “problem” says John in Leicester.

So an issue or a problem. Well, there is a difference between the word issue and the word problem. First of all the word problem has a kind of negative feel to it. So what happens is people tend to avoid using the word problem because they say don’t want to accentuate the negative. They want to keep it positive. So they say: We’ve got a couple of issues to deal with. It makes it sound more positive, and makes it sound less dramatic and it’s very common. At work, we talk about issues rather than problems just because it is more positive. So that’s really a case of subtle nuance. Subtle means like with very small details, differences and nuance means detail difference or slight difference. So there is a slight difference between saying there is an issue here and there is a problem here. Maybe you have an issue with the idea of like chosing to paint something in a positive light – maybe that seemed contrived but really it’s okay as a piece of usage because it’s clearly using a new ones  –it’s expressing something in a slightly more nuanced way, isn’t it. What’s wrong with that?.

Grammar Man says:

Apparently, the Brits have an issue with nuance.

Very funny!

 

Number 46

I hear more and more people pronouncing the letter Z as “zee”. Not happy about it! said Ross in London.

Well, basically in America they say zee and in Britain we say zet. So, although with the rapper Jay-Z,  we still call him Jay-Z (Jay zee) we don’t call him Jay-Z (Jay zet)  because…

haaaaaaaaaaaa

okay, it’s not the first time that happened. Just in case you were fallen asleep there was a little jingle just to kind of keep you on your toes and that also suggest to me I’ve got to hurry this up because that is a very long list. Quite an ambitious episode. I think I can go through the whole list and keep it riveting and keep it fascinating and entertaining at the end. Maybe you are fallen asleep. I don’t know. Maybe if you are great. I hope you are having a lovely dream about Americanisms. somehow, anyway, right. .

Grammar Man says:

I’m not happy about your criticizing my pronunciation without explaining your own.

So, good point. Why is zed correct and zee wrong? Come on!

Number 47

To “medal” instead of to win a medal. It sets my teeth on edge with a vengeance, said Helen in Martock in Somerset.

So to medal instead of to win a medal. Okay, it’s like Chris Lewis medalled three times at the Olympics  instead of Chris Lewis won a medal three times.

Grammar Man says:

How many times has your soccer team medaled in the past eleven World Cup Finals?

Okay, allright, Grammar Man

That’s a bit below the belt isn’t it? Anyway, it’s football, not soccer thanks. The sport that you refer to as football hardly involves contact between the ball and the foot. It should be called “Headbutt” or something. And what about The Baseball World Series? Come on! Only America takes part!

You know in America they call American football. They call it football but they don’t really use their feet. They throw the ball with their hands and they may like smash each other at the head with their helmets and in baseball there are big competitions called the Baseball World Series but it’s not… only America takes part in that. So it’s a bit arrogant to call it the World Series. So come on Grammar Man if we are gonna stop sort of sparing here  over sports  I am gonna have  to pick you up on that one.

Number 48.

I got it for free” is a pet hate. You got it “free” not “for free”. You don’t get something cheap and say you got it “for cheap” do you? said Mark Jones in Plymouth.

Well, I got it for free – I got it free okay, well, I think you say: I got it for ten pounds but if you got it for nothing some people might say I got it for free. I suppose  because on the price list you would see 10 pounds or just the word free. So I got it for 10 pounds or I got it for free. I suppose grammatically you don’t get something for free you get it for nothing. You get it free. Okay, fine, but you know, whatever I don’t mind that bit of that kind of use of grammar there. It doesn’t really bother me that much. But I suppose technically it’s not correct.

Grammar Man says:

You’re right, you can’t get grammar lessons for cheap. You can either buy a grammar book for $15 – $50, or you can read my blog for free.

Okay he doesn’t really talk about whether buying something for free is correct. But he uses read my blog for free.

Yeah, Okay.

Number 49

The penultimate point.

“Turn that off already“. Oh dear said Darren in Munich.

Turn that off already Turn that off already!

So, turn that off already meaning turn that off now, turn it off immediately. But already, no we don’t use it with now, do we? We  use it with – like present perfect ‘I’ve already turned it off.’ But this is like with the imparative: Turn it off already! You can’t – grammatically it doesn’t work. You can’t say turn that off already. Just turn it off now, turn it off immediately.

Grammar Man says:

You may have a point!

So he kind of agrees with me basically.

And number 50

The last one and this is from Jonathan in Birmingham and I’m gonna do a Birminghamian accent for this one.  . .

“I could care less” instead of “I couldn’t care less” has to be the worst. Opposite meaning of what they’re trying to say.

So I could care less instead of I couldn’t care less

Yeah, okay – it’s actually the opposite of what they are trying to say.

I couldn’t care less means I don’t care at all. But if you say: I could care less it means I could care less than what I care about now. So

Grammar Man says: You are without a doubt right. This is the second Americanism worthy of your scorn. As you point out, it means the opposite of what it is intended to mean.

Okay so final words from Grammar Man:

We Americans appreciate the language you Brits gave us. We only wish you would appreciate the improvements we’ve made since then.

Haa very good Grammar Man. So he is saying that these language changes are improvements.

Well, some of them are –  some of them might not be,  but they are all just parts of the way in which English changes and there are two and more than two – many more nuances than things in the language but generally speaking you may say there are sort of two versions of English –  American English and British English. You also get things like South African English, Australian English, New Zealand English and other types of English but American English is the most dominant than also British English too. They are just different. You as a learner of English  just have to be aware of the differences. But the main thing I would say is just try,  make sure it stays grammatically correct and make sure it’s clear and efficient and functional.

That’s it, I think  from this episode of the podcast. Look forward to more episodes soon. In fact I hope to do a follow-up episode to this one which will all be about Britishisms. Those are British bits of language which are invading American English and it’s quite interesting to note the differences. So for example in the UK people basically are a bit hositle towards Americanisms.They hate them. They think they are ugly and wrong and a disgrace whereas in America they look at Britishisms and they see them as being quite cool, quite trendy, quite cute. I suppose it’s because British English poses less of a thread to American English or maybe it’s because Americans are a little bit more open-minded about influence on their language.

to pose:darstellen

to pose threat:Gefahr darstellen

Okay, that’s it from this episode. Thank you very very much for listening. If you managed to listen all way to the end then well done. You should just have a cake or a biscuit or something as a way of congratulating yourself – yourself or just – congratulating yourselves or congratulation yourself.

Okay, thanks again for listening

Bye