Category Archives: Ramble

139. Hard Driving / Car Vocabulary

One Man. One Car. One Destination. Lots of vocabulary.

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In this episode you join me in a BMW Mini as I attempt to drive across Paris, through some of Europe’s busiest streets, on a very hot July afternoon. My mission is to deliver the car to a car-park while avoiding angry Parisian drivers, pedestrians with prams, and busses full of Japanese tourists. The ultimate goal – a glass of cold beer on the terrace of a cafe, and to save the world through another episode of Luke’s English Podcast, of course.

Do I manage to complete my mission? And what driving-related vocabulary can you learn during this episode?

Listen, and you will find out…

Vocabulary
Here are extracts of the transcript for this episode that contain all the driving-related vocabulary.

  1. Hard Driving – driving vocabulary

 

[5:42]

The car is on. I’ve got my hand on the handbrake on my right. I’m in the first gear. And I’m going to get moving, so I just lift the handbrake up. I’ve got the clutch. My left foot is on the clutch. I’ve put myself on the first gear. Handbrake is down.

[6:00]

 

[16:05]

So, [the] vocab is, what I’m holding, what I’ve got in front of me, the wheel. The thing that I’m turning in order to control the direction of the car, that’s the steering wheel, folks. The steering wheel. Turning the steering wheel to go left and right.

[16:27]

 

[16:45]

The gear stick to control the gears.

[16:51]

 

[17:32]

Gear stick. First gear, second gear, third gear, fourth gear, fifth gear, sixth gear sometimes and reverse gear, of course. Handbrake, I’ve already mentioned that. That’s the way you can sort of… how you stop the car when you’re on a hill, or you park, you pull the handbrake up. Sometimes, if you’re in a Hollywood movie and you need to like turn the car around very quickly, you might pull the handbrake and do the handbrake turn. It’s very dramatic and exciting. But I’m not going to be doing it today, folks, no! I’m going to try drive safely.

[18:08]

 

[19:35]

So, the pedals on the floor to…

[19:37]

 

[20:40]

So, the pedals on floor, the one on the furthest right is the accelerator pedal or the throttle, which is the accelerator.

The accelerator pedal, the brake pedal on the middle and the clutch on the left. OK. I’ve got some switches behind the steering wheel. You can hear the indicator switch, which sounds like this: “Indicator sound” Yeah. This is the indicators, they indicate left and right. And I’ve also got things like headlights, and stuff like that. I’ve got the speedometer in front of me, I’ve got a fuel gauge, rev counter which tells me how I’m revving the engine.

[21:40]

 

[24:07]

We also have the glove compartment on the right in front of the passenger seat, which never contains gloves. They call it the glove compartment, you know, it’s like a little box that little storage cupboard thing in front of the passenger seat. I don’t know why they… I know why they call it the glove compartment. It’s because traditionally that’s where you keep gloves. I’ve never ever seen a pair of glove in the glove compartment. Usually, it’s just like an old map or some boiled sweets or something like that. Never, never any gloves in the glove compartment.

[24:50]

 

[25:16]

There’s the horn, which makes the car go “Beep beep beep” this is the horn. The seatbelt, which can obviously save your life if you have a crash. Hopefully, that’ll never happen. You also have mirrors, don’t you? Mirrors, what you can, which allow you to see behind you. You’ve got the wing mirrors on the left and the right. And then you have the rear view mirror.

[25:41]

 

[37:02]

So, the windows, the window in front of me, we call it the windscreen, in front of me, it’s the big window at the front of the car. The windscreen. In America, they call it the windshield, but we call it the windscreen. Then the other one, it’s just this the window in the back window. It’s just pragmatic. The front part of the car that you open if you want to look at the engine, it’s called the bonnet. But in America, they call it the, what do they call it, the hood, hood, but we call it the bonnet. The front of the car is the bumper. That’s the part which is used to sort of bump other cars.

[37:43]

 

[53:46]

Summary

 

I’m just going to run through the vocab of the car that I attempted to teach you during the journey just as a summary.

  1. You got in the car. You’ve got the steering wheel, which you use to turn left or right or to steer the car. You have accelerator pedal, the brake pedal and the clutch pedal. You use the clutch to change the gear. And also you have a stick on the right if you’re in Europe and that’s the gear stick.

You have the seat-belt to keep you safe. If you have a crash, then the airbag will come out and protect you so that you don’t get badly injured in the event of an accident. You have mirrors, the rear view mirror in the middle, the wing mirrors on the left and right. You have the indicator to show which direction you’re going to turn, left or right. Tick, tick, tick, tick, like that. The indicator. You’ve also got things like the windscreen wipers, which are those things that clean the water of your windows or the dead insects after a long journey, you use the windscreen wipers to wipe them off. You also have like jets of water which spray onto the windscreen. And if you angle the jets correctly, you can spray pedestrians as you drive past them, which is quite good fun, isn’t it?

 

You’ve got the… the back window with a windscreen wiper on it, you’ve got the brake lights, you have bumper at the back, bumper at the front. You’ve got the boot of the car or in Ameri… that’s the back, that’s the storage area at the back of the car. We call it the boot. In American English, they call it the trunk. The front of the car, you’ve got the bonnet, which covers the engine. And in America, they call that the, what do they call it, the hood. That’s right. You’ve got also the petrol cap, which you remove in order to fill a car up with fuel.

 

Let’s see, what else? So, the number plate on the back and the number plate on the front, they have the registration number of the car. Also the wheels, of course, they’re very important. If you want to actually travel anywhere. You got the wheels… the wheels have, what are do they called it?, alloy covers, often if you’ve got like you know very nice cool car, you might have alloys on the wheels, which look cool. Then you’ve got the rubber bits that go around and they’re filled with air. Those are called tyres [tires in US English], of course. The tyres that go around the wheel. Just the same as a bicycle, in fact. Headlights on the front help to illuminate the road as you’re driving.

[57:23]

 

[57:27]

There are some verbs we associate with driving, as I mentioned before you. You accelerate. You brake, brake means to stop [or slow down]. You turn left, you turn right, you steer the car. You reverse, I mean, you go backwards. Mirror signal manoeuvre. Mirror, obviously, check the mirror before you move. Signal, that’s to indicate which direction you’re going to go. And manoeuvre, that means to turn or to make some sort of specific movement in the car. A manoeuvre. A manoeuvre might be, for example, a 3-point turn or a U turn or a… if you reverse into a parking space, to parallel park, which is one of the most difficult things that you can do when you’re driving is parallel park. When you’re learning to drive, that’s very difficult. If you have a space in the road and you have to try and park the car in that space. So, that’s nicely positioned, close to the curb, without too much space between the car and the curb and you don’t actually touch either the car in front or the car behind. That’s… if you can master that art, then you should be able to pass your driving test, how to parallel park.

[58:36]

 

Other vocab:

  • traffic
  • traffic lights
  • zebra crossing
  • satnav
  • petrol

A listener has written a finished transcript of this episode. Click here to read it. Be aware that it hasn’t been fully corrected yet, but is about 90% accurate.

125. The Pink Gorilla Story

An improvised funny story about an encounter with a massive pink animal. Transcript available below.

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Listen to Luke tell you a rather bizarre story about an adventure involving a pink gorilla and a number of other characters. I recommend that you listen to the story several times as a way of enjoying and understanding it more. There is a full transcript to this episode below.

In this episode I decided to improvise a story. To improvise something means to just make it up on the spot, without planning or preparing in advance. It is quite challenging and fun for me to improvise stories like this. I hope you enjoy it and realise that it is great listening practice for you.

Do you Want to skip the introduction?

The story begins after 15mins. There is a long, rambling introduction and then the story begins at 16:20

I use a variety of expressions, accents and verb forms in the episode. As you listen, try to spot some English which might be useful for you.

***There is some SWEARING in the story. I apologise if you find that offensive. You should remember that swearing (using rude words) is VERY RUDE in the WRONG SITUATIONS! Don’t swear in English class, in job interviews, in front of priests, when you are in polite company or if you meet the Queen, etc. Swearing is ok with your close friends, in private or when you’re playing football. Aaaaalright? ;)

I hope you enjoy the story. Speak to you soon. Bye bye bye! (TRANSCRIPT BELOW)

Language Extracts with Vocabulary (thanks to Jack) – TRANSCRIPT BELOW THIS LIST

Maybe it causes a rift in space time continuum.
Have you just woken up?
Get a grip !
I’d like to book a table for two please.
I’d like it to book a table for tomorrow evening.
That’s why now I can’t get my head together !
I’ll go to Burger King, nevermind !
We do burgers here.
You are incapable of dealing with the booking so I’m leaving.
To turn up
Lets say the police overheard you talking about puppies.
Can I make an inquiry as to the nature of this rendezvous?
I think you’ll find that that contravenes section 134 of the puppies act.
I’m going to have to put you under arrest.
Police are going to take them away.
It is kind of random bollocks.
In the light of the fact that I won this competition.
…..Academic director, Publishing director, who is checking out the public blog.
Let’s see some of the pedagogical techniques that he’s using in his podcast.
What new approaches to teaching methodologies are being used.
Maybe this is a new revolutionary method of teaching English as a foreign language.
Just sort of stream of consciousness – English jazz cakes.
One of the objectives….
The ‘Rotary sushi bar of English’….
It doesn’t mean that I can just give up my day job.
I still have to try and find windows of time in my otherwise busy life.
That’s kind of a bit of justification……
Improvised
I’m making it up as I go along.
I’ve been speaking for the last 15 mins.
I’m going to try and throw in some characters into the story.
It’s just completely made up (story)
I hit some hard times.
Can I have a word with you?
We are going to have to let you go.
Give them regular feedback
A general rule of thumb
I was devastated
It’s been a pleasure teaching you.
I’ve been fired.
How? On foot probably.
The Mafia
Gangsters
Screw this guy!
Moving one foot in front of the other.
Subtle movements…..
The corner of the Oxford Street.
London’s famous attractions.
I couldn’t afford to visit.
Walked along the street.
As far as I know, you can’t really eat anything with your eyes.
Mushrooms
Spaghetti
Walk out of the supermarket.
Nothing to see here.
Until eventually I was desperate.
I would sit on the streets.
Can you spare me 10p governor, for a cup of tea ?
May be a chimney sweep?
He had a monocle
He came up to me
He approached me.
You seem desperate and tired.
I think it’s good to be on first name terms with homeless people.
Come with me to my mansion.
Don’t misunderstand Luke.
Maybe we should introduce ourselves and get acquainted.
I wasn’t being rude.
Swear words.
Rude, aggressive communicative styles.
I was just adapting my teaching style for my class.
Moustache, monocle and a hat.
It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
I’m a collector of rare endangered animal species.
Let’s get in the taxi and let me show you my hairy animals.
Put your seatbelt on please.
Big mansion in north London, strap in !
I’ve been eating bananas….
We went past various sites in London.
As we drove past…..
I overhead all of this
This is a momentous moment in history.
I thought I didn’t have a chance.
We walked in the back of the studio…..
You must make two promises to me. Two promises which you must keep.
I can’t emphasize this point more seriously.
To be honest, I’m already getting curious about the animal at the end of the corridor.
Yes, I’m positive.
Are you certain?
Let’s move on with the story.
Leopard with no spots – I think it was a puma.
Zebra
Duck with a round head with no beak on the end.
What on earth could be behind this curtain !
I started to move the curtain back.
Sleeping upstairs in the loft.
I hadn’t seen one of those for donkey’s years.
Coin operated arcade machine
I put a coin in.
Never mind ! never mind ! Just google it.
The cages were so clean by the time I finished; you could see your own reflection on the floor.
There was this cage at the end of the corridor tempting me just by its presence.
I know you are fascinated.
But I resisted the temptation.
I wanted to move the curtains aside.
I didn’t do nothing.
I tip toed down the stair.
Tip toed through the basement.
I was absolutely stunned !
I couldn’t believe my eyes !
As pink as a lobster.
The fur of the gorilla looked so fine and so soft. I just really felt the urge to reach through the cage and touch its fur.
You have investigated enough.
I slept like a baby.
It doesn’t mean that I cried during the night and pissed myself – No.
Daniel was there whistling.
I’ve got to have another look.
Right there at the bars of the cage.
He held out his hand to me.
Gorilla was smiling at me with his big teeth.
To hell with the consequences !
I reached out my hand and touched the gorilla.
I touched him briefly on the back of the hand.
It was like a fur of the unicorn.
…….he did somersaults.
He started to pull / bend the bars open.
I ran out of the mansion.
I didn’t bother to get my stuff.
I could hear his steps pounding on the ground as he chased after me through the mansion.
I ran like my life depended on it.
I was sure this gorilla was gonna rip my head off !
I ran into the street.
I ran down the street.
May be I lost him
I took a left turn down an alleyway.
He was sprinting down the road after me.
I jumped on the bicycle.
I bombed down the hill.
Flying down the hill on the BMX bicycle.
I jumped onto the bus.
I acted all nonchalant.
He’ll lose me and wouldn’t notice.
He was smashing cars out of his way.
I nearly soiled my trousers.
I jumped out of the bus.
I dived into the underground.
I got up to the gates.
Couldn’t you have looked for your oyster card before you got here?
Managed to get down onto the platform.
Jumped on the train….
If I change at green park onto the Victoria line and I take the Victoria line sort of north bound and then go to Tottenham Hale. And from Tottenham hale I can jump on the overland which would take me to stansted airport.
Walked through the streets….
I kind of walked leisurely…..
On the tracks next to the train.
Train was going along the tracks.
He just mouthed – ” I’m gonna get you!”
Do you mind if I ask you what are you doing?
I’m mug him off !
I’m gonna get that geezer called Luke!
I went to the bank to borrow some money.
Would you like to take a seat?
How can I help you?
I’d like to borrow some money.
Well Luke, I’m sure you realize we can’t simply lend you all the money.
You are a humorous gentleman. You like to have a laugh.
If I wanted to I could make you say and do anything I wanted !
I think you are making it up.
You are gonna speak like a scouser.
All the money in 20 pound notes is a lot
How about a debit card?
He has nearly caught up with me now.
Out in the street again.
Got myself a coffee
I drank that.
Flying towards me on a skateboard.
I escaped down the street towards the airport on a scooter.
Got to the counter.
How did you know that I had all the money! Never mind that Luke! Never mind!
They don’t even let you bring water onto the plane.
Jumped onto the plane.
The plane taxied out on the run way.
I couldn’t be safer!
I’m flying to a new exotic location.
On the wing of airplane…..
The pink gorilla was holding onto the wing of the airplane.
Looking at me; staring at me; smiling with his big teeth.
He’s managed to catch up with me.
I managed to jump onto an iceberg.
Looked over my shoulder….
I jumped off the iceberg and jumped on another iceberg. And I kept jumping from iceberg to iceberg…..
He jumped over onto the iceberg and walked up towards me.
He extended his hand again…..
He just tapped me on the arm.
Tag ! You’re it !
Pink gorilla was just competitive, he just enjoyed playing games.
Why did I touch him in the first place!
I wish I had never done it in the first place.
So I stood up picked my self off the ground, brushed the snow off my trousers and I thought : Right ! I’m gonna get that gorilla !
I saw the pink gorilla getting onto the plane and so I leapt onto the wing. And the plane took off into the sunset.
And you’ve been listening to it ladies and gentleman.
May be there are aspects to the story I didn’t deal with. In which case…….
You have been listening to Luke’s English podcast.

TRANSCRIPT

The Pink Gorilla Story
by Luke Thompson
Transcript sent in by Andrzej from Poland – thank you Andrzej!
You’re listening Luke’s English Podcast. For more information visit teacherluke.podomatic.com. (now teacherluke.co.uk)
Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Luke’s English Podcast. I’m saying ‘Good morning’ because it’s the morning here where I am. While I’m recording this it’s the morning. Maybe it’s not the morning where you are. It could be, well, one of the other times of the day, maybe the afternoon or the evening or just the middle of the night. If it’s not the morning where you are then, you know, maybe, you know, you could just pause this and then wait until it is the morning and then just press play again so that when I say ‘Good morning’ to you at the beginning it makes sense. Okay? So, you could just do that because I don’t know what happens if someone says ‘good morning‘ to you when it’s not the morning. I don’t know what happens does…. Maybe the space time…, maybe it causes a rift in the space time continuum or something a bit like in ‘Back to the Future II’ and just all, everything kind of goes all wrong in space-time. If then that happens or just nothing happens at all. Perhaps someone just says to you ‘Good morning’ it’s not the morning. It’s the afternoon. We’ve just woken up, get a grip or something like that. But I think that’s probably the extend of it. I don’t think it’s more serious than that. Okay Luke, what are you talking about? Let me just say ‘Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night. Thank you very much for listening. I’m going to bed now. It’s been a pleasure, really has. Good night .’ No, no, no. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Of course, right, when you greet someone you can say ‘Good morning’, right? It’s like ‘Hello’. ‘Morning’. ‘Morning’. You can say ‘Good afternoon’. ‘Afternoon’. ‘Good afternoon’. ‘Good afternoon’. ‘How are you’. ‘I’m fine, thanks’. And you can say ‘Good evening’, right? So, ‘Good evening’. Would you say that… Would you say that to a friend? ‘Good evening’. Yes. If you went into a restaurant you might say
– Good evening. I’d like to book a table for two, please.
– Certainly sir. When would you like to book your table?
– Well, I’d like to book it for tomorrow evening, please.
– OK, how many people?
– Just, well, two. I did say two earlier on.
– That’s right, you did, didn’t you.
– Yes, so, can I just book the table please? I don’t have much time.
– Yes, certainly sir. How many people was it for?
– Two! Two! I’ve just said it! Twice now.
– OK. Sorry. You know, I’m very busy. I’ve had a very busy day. My brain isn’t working properly plus earlier on this afternoon someone said ‘Good morning’ to me and it confused me for the rest of the day. That’s why now I can’t get my head together but anyway, yes, you want to book a table. OK. How many people?
– Two people! For Christ’s sake. OK, look, I’ll go to Burger King. It’s all right. Never mind.
– Well, that’s, you know, that’s not necessary. We do burgers here.
– No, no, really, you are incapable of dealing with the booking so, I’m leaving.
– Well, sorry sir. You know, do come back. Come back another time perhaps.
…For example, OK? But you can say ‘Good morning’, ‘Good afternoon’, ‘Good evening’ but if you say ‘Good night’, that’s what you say before you go to bed, isn’t it, so, if you kind of meet someone at night ‘Good night’, then you have to immediately just turn around and go to bed, don’t you? Ha, ha, ha! Yes. So, don’t make that mistake listeners. Don’t, when you greet someone at night, don’t say ‘Good night’ as a way of saying hello. I don’t know why you’re meeting someone at night. What are you doing? What is this kind of secret meeting, secret night-time meeting you’re doing? I don’t know. Are you meeting someone to, maybe, I don’t know, maybe you’re, you know, buying something. You could be buying some illegal DVDs or something like that. You can imagine that sort of turning up
– All right. Yeah, all right. So, you’ve got the… You’ve got the stuff?
– Yeah, yeah, I’ve got the stuff. I’ve got it right here.
– Yeah, the stuff, right? You know, you know what I’m talking about, don’t you.
– Yeah, the stuff, of course, of course I know what you’re talking about… yeah.
– I just wanna make sure. What exactly do you mean by stuff here?
– What do we mean by stuff? We’re talking about… we’re talking about the puppies, right?
– Puppies? No, I’m not… I don’t wanna buy puppies. No, I wanna buy the DVDs.
– Oh right, yeah, of course! Well, of course, yes! I used ‘puppies’ as a code word for DVDs. You know, sometimes I call them ‘puppies’ because it seems a bit safer.
– Really? Are you sure? You’re sure that that’s a safe code word? Because if, let say, the police overheard you talking about dealing puppies I think they might be a bit concerned by that as well and then might follow you. In fact… in fact they have followed you and here they are. Great. Well done. You’re not very good at being secretive, are you?
So, then the police arrive (sirens, brakes)
– Excuse me gentlemen, can I enquire… can I make an enquiry as to the nature of this rendezvous in the middle of the night?
That’s a police officer.
– Yes officer. We were just meeting to… I was just buying some puppies from this guy.
– Buying puppies, oh I see. Well, I think you find that that contravenes section 134 of the Puppies Act which states that it is illegal to purchase or sell puppies after midnight. And so sir, I’m gonna have to put you under arrest. I can’t remember that phrase that I’m supposed to say. I think it goes something like ‘Please, remember that anything you do say can be taken against you in a court of law. You’re under arrest.’ Please, follow me down to the police station and bring the puppies because they’re cute. They might be quite nice to look at in the police station.
OK, right, so, that’s it. I’ve been arrested so, good night ladies and gentlemen. Thanks very much for listening and I’m now gonna go to jail or prison as you might say. Jail or prison. Let’s hope, let’s hope I’ve got a good lawyer and they can get me out of this mess. My dealer, my DVD dealer just ran away. They weren’t interested in him because I was the one who had the puppies. I didn’t even give him the money. He just gave me the puppies so, I guess I’ve got some puppies now but I think the police are gonna take them away. What are you talking about Luke?! I know you are thinking ‘What is happening in this episode? This is kind of random bollocks .’ Well, yeah, it is kind of random bollocks. Maybe that’s what I could call this episode ‘Luke’s Random Bollocks’. Although, I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to name an episode after my bollocks. I just think that’s not a clever move especially, you know, in the light of the fact that recently I’ve won this competition so, I expect… I’m getting more traffic, more people are coming to the site than normal. Probably people who work for Macmillan dictionaries, Cambridge dictionaries maybe Oxford dictionaries they all…, they may be checking me out. You know, these kind of very important people from the world of teaching English as a foreign language. You know, you can imagine some sort of academic director or some publishing director from Cambridge University who, you know, is checking out the Macmillan blog and he says – I see that a some young gentleman named Luke Thompson has won the Macmillan Dictionary Award for Best Blog 2012. Well, I think I shall…, I think I shall investigate this up-and-coming, go-getting podcaster and see what it’s all about. So, let’s have a look at some of the pedagogical techniques that he is using in the podcast. Maybe I can learn what fresh new approaches to teaching methodology are being used here. Hmmm, let’s have a look…OK… teacherluke.podomatic.com… Click. Luke’s Random Bollocks? What’s this?’ Maybe this is a revolutionary new method of teaching English as a foreign language. English through shit. I don’t know. Maybe that’s possible. English through nonsense. It’s… I mean, it could be possible because, I don’t know, it’s new, alright? Actually, I’m sure it’s not new. I’m sure I’m not the first English teacher in the world to just sort of have fun and expect other people to join in and as a result learn a load of stuff that they wouldn’t normally learn from textbooks or from things like the BBC Podcast because they have to be the BBC and they have to do things in a certain way. It has to be correct, has to be sort of slightly unnatural maybe whereas here at Luke’s English Podcast you’re getting the real thing, you’re just getting English as it actually happens, English as it really is spoken, not really edited very much, just sort of stream of consciousness English jazz cakes. I don’t know what that is ‘English jazz cakes’, I just made that up. But that’s… I suppose that’s what you are getting so, I hope that you enjoy my English jazz cakes or my random bollocks.

Hmm… yes, so, there was a point to this podcast and the point, one of the points for this episode, one of my objectives was just to kind of talk randomly like this and see what happens. That’s one of the objectives of the episode but one of the other objectives was to tell you a story, okay, tell you a story.

OK, now, first of all let me get back to the first point talking sort of randomly, talking without preparation. I’ve done episodes like this before without any preparation and for example I did one called ‘The Ice Cream Episode’. I did one called ‘The Cheese Episode’. I did one called, I believe it was called, ‘The Rotary Sushi Bar of English’ and I did ‘The A-Z of Random Nonsense’ so, the advantage of doing episodes like this for me is I don’t have to spend a lot of time in advance preparing lists of vocabulary or preparing scripts or doing research or anything like that. I don’t need to spend time doing that. And that’s good for me because I don’t have a lot of time even though I did win the 2012 award for best blog, and that’s two awards I’ve won now, even though I’ve won two awards in a row it doesn’t mean that I can just give up my day job. It doesn’t mean that I can just move into a huge mansion with a recording studio in it somewhere. I still have to try to find windows of time in my otherwise busy life to record episodes of the podcast. And recently my life has just been really busy. I’ve just had loads of different things going on. I’ve got, obviously, my full-time job, etc., etc. I don’t need to go into its lots of detail because I’ve talked about it before and you’re probably like ‘Yeah, Luke, yeah (yawning). Same old story, yeah, you don’t have much time etc., etc. Just keep talking, please.’ So, okay. So, that’s kind of a bit of justification as to why for me, I like doing these episodes were I don’t prepare and I just talk.

Secondly, it’s kind of fun to have a challenge for me. I like the challenge of having to speak like this without, you know, preparing. For me it’s kind of a challenge. I like the opportunity just to talk and not really know where I’m going to go next. It’s quite fun because I can be creative and I can kind of improvise situations and hopefully create some entertaining stuff for you to listen to.

What else…? Also hopefully it’s kind of engaging to listen to. It should be quite interesting to listen to because, you know, if you…, I must say I’m guilty of this, if you write a script and then read the script it somehow becomes kind of dull and boring. Maybe it’s because English which is written is different to English which is spoken. So, written English, English that’s written in books or magazines or newspapers or blog articles, it has a certain rhythm or certain style to it, which is good for written English, right? But when you actually speak and try to get the attention of people it’s better when it’s just completely improvised because it’s somehow has a bit more drama in it, because you know that the speaker doesn’t really know what he’s gonna say next. So, it’s what’s just happening right now. It’s happening in real time and it makes it more natural sounding. So, that I think is good for you, in fact, for several reasons. One reason it’s good for you is because it sounds more natural so, it’s good practice for you to listen to. It’s just very good practice for you to train your ear to the rhythm and the sound of natural English as it comes out of a person’s mouth. In this case the person is me. And another reason why it is good for you is hopefully it’s just fun. It’s just more fun to listen to and it’s just a laugh, a bit of a laugh. You know what I mean. So, going back, what the other points I was making. My other objective for this episode. My other objective is just to tell you a story and I’m going to start telling the story in a moment. Just as an introduction to the story let me tell you a little bit about it.

OK, so this is a story I’m gonna tell you and I’m… It’s a kind of a challenge for me again. I’m gonna try to tell you a story which… I’ll tell you a story which I hope you will enjoy and basically I haven’t planned this story so I’m making it up as I go along. I hope that you’re gonna find it funny and I think I’m gonna start the story now. Oh yeah. I’m gonna try to make it as long as possible, that’s it. I’m gonna try to make the story as long as I can. Now I’ve been speaking for 15 minutes. Let’s see how long I can make this story. Okay. I’m gonna also try and throw in some characters into the story so you might hear some different accents and different characters but just bear in mind the fact that I’ve got no idea really where the story is going. I’m just making it all up as I go along. So, bear that in mind. If the story doesn’t make a lot of sense then I apologize. It’s because it’s just kind of random bollocks, OK? Hopefully, you’ll enjoy it and hopefully, it will be very good practice for your ears. Okay, so, let’s begin the story, shall we? Yes, let’s begin the story.

Alright. …take a couple of breaths. …to take a deep breath…okay. Are we ready? OK, I’ll start telling the story in just a moment. I hope that you’re sitting comfortably. Maybe you’re standing. Maybe you’re walking. Whatever it is you’re doing, whatever position your body is in I hope it’s comfortable because the story is gonna begin now. Maybe you’re in bed. Maybe you’re lying there and thinking ‘Come on Luke. Tell me some stuff. Make me fall asleep’. Well, that shouldn’t be too difficult because… Yes maybe what I’m gonna say.. well just be so dull and so boring that you’ll be asleep. Maybe you’ve already fallen asleep. That’s quite possible. If you’re driving a car than, you know, I suggest you open your eyes. That’s normally the way it’s done. It’s best generally to open your eyes when you’re in control of a huge metal killing machine. So, please, be careful when you’re driving, okay? If you’re in bed though, you know, you can close your eyes. That’s fine. That is fine unless you want to open them. Maybe you’re scared of the dark. I don’t know. Anyway the story, the story. Here we go. So, I’m going to tell you a story about my life. It’s not true. It’s just made up. OK? Just to be clear. This is completely made up. Right, so…

A few years ago, well, let’s see, a few years ago I was living in London and I hit some hard times. Life got a bit difficult for me. I lost my job because I was just too good at it. My boss said to me – Luke, can I have a word with you, please? – I was in the middle of a lesson at the time. I was teaching. I was saying – So, present perfect tense is a tense which is used when the action is finished possibly but the time period is not finished and also, but, there is an exception to that rule – and my boss just came into the room (knock, knock, knock) – Ehm… excuse me, Luke. Hello everyone, hello class, hello students – The students were like – Hello – because they were Spanish. – Hello Luke, can I have a word with you, please? – And so, I had to say – Sorry class, just, you know, do page 3 of English Grammar in Use. Just do it, OK? Do it! Shut up! Don’t give me any back-chat – Maybe that’s why I lost my job because I used to tell the students to ‘shut up’. Haha! Actually, you know what? I never ever tell my students to ‘shut up’ because as an English language teacher you can’t do that. That’s like one of the worst things you can do. It’s worse to tell the students to ‘shut up’ than it is to tell them to ‘fuck off’, actually. Because ‘shut up’ is just like the rudest thing you can say in a language classroom in my opinion. Anyway. So, I said – OK students. You know what? Just do some work, alright? I’ll be back in a minute. I’ve got to speak to the boss. Obviously he’s got something very important to say to me because I’m kind of big deal around here, OK? So, do some work. See you in a minute –

So, I went out and the boss said to me – Luke, listen, I’m really sorry but we’re gonna have to let you go – I said – What? You’re gonna have to let me go? Yeah, I’m afraid so. We’re gonna have to let you go because, well, quite frankly, you can’t just give students pages from English Grammar in Use and tell them to ‘shut up’ and ‘do it’. You can’t do that! OK? Because… Why not? Why can’t I do that? Well, because… I don’t really know why but I just… I just know, I just know that you can’t do that. I don’t know. My training, years ago told me something about the fact that yeah, ‘you should try to use communicative methods. You should try to engage students in speaking exercises. You should give them regular feedback and just don’t tell them to shut up or fuck off, OK? It’s just a general rule, a rule of thumb for, well, for life. Don’t tell people to shut up or to…, you know.’ So, you know, I’m afraid Luke, we’re gonna have to let you go. So, sorry. Pack your bags. Get out! You’re fired! – So, obviously I was devastated – Oh, my God, I’m fired! I love my job – And then I realised – Wait a minute. I can just do what the hell I want now. Sure, I won’t have money or food but I’ll have my freedom – And so, I went back into class and I said – OK everyone. Well, It’s been a pleasure teaching you. I’ve been Luke Thompson and I still am and I really hope that you learn this language effectively and you go out there and improve the economy, OK? Good luck! I’ve been fired. Don’t, you know, don’t, don’t act too upset about that. Hello!? Are you actually listening?! Hello!? Yeah, I’m going now, OK? I’m going, yeah? Fine. OK, if you don’t care, that’s fine – In fact, there were once the students understood the situation. They were like – What?! You’re going?! Where?! How?! Why?! How?! Well, on foot, probably. Why?! Why?! I’ve been fired. My boss just fired me because I told you to ‘shut up’, remember? Oh, but Luke, you didn’t mean it? It was… Hey, Luke! Hey! – For some reason my students were all from Brooklyn – But Luke, you didn’t mean it? Hey, come on! What’s the matter with you? – All my students were from New York, Brooklyn or the Bronx. They were all Italian Americans which is kinda strange, I know but this is a part of the mafia training programme that they have over there. They have like a special mafia training budget which they can spend on things like, you know, methods of threatening people or money counting techniques and also English lessons. And so, all my students were Latin Italian American gangsters – Hey Luke! What’re you talking about?! Come on! What’s the matter with you?! You’ve been fired? Screw this guy! Who’s this guy, huh?! Come on! – And so, I said – Look guys, I’m really sorry, you know. Good luck with all of the, you know, the assassinations and the robberies and the extortion. Good luck with that, but I’m out of here, OK? See you guys later – And they would like – Hey Luke! Come on! Get out of here! Go out! Go away! – And so, that’s it.

So, I went out into the street, took a breath of fresh air, started coughing because, you know, this was London and the Oxford street, it’s not exactly fresh air, is it. No, it’s not. It’s not really. And so, and that’s it. I had my freedom. So, I just started walking the streets. Just walking around, just walking around, you know, moving one foot in front of the other. Right foot first usually then the left foot and just repeating that motion and sort of… I don’t know quite how we change direction while we’re walking. I think there’s subtle movements of the legs to the left and the right which allows us to turn but I would basically do that a lot of that all over London walking around, looking at the sights, you know. I got to see some of the most amazing sights in London: McDonalds, Starbucks, just the corner of Oxford street, H&M. Just some of London’s most famous attractions. Let’s see what else was there? There was Boot’s the Chemist’s, Marks & Spencer and of course things like Buckingham Palace and Big Ben, the London Eye. All of these things that I just couldn’t afford to actually visit. But I looked at them and I thought ‘This, this Luke, this is London’ and it was because, because I was in London. Yes, now, moving the story on, OK, so, I would, I would move, I would walk around the streets all day and all night just thinking what’s gonna happen to me ‘I’m homeless, I’m hungry’. I would go into supermarkets and just stare at food because I didn’t have any money to buy the food, so, I would stare at all the food on the shelf and just eat, just eat sandwiches with my eyes, you know, I’d just eat them with my eyes. But it wasn’t very satisfying because as you probably know, as you probably have learnt in your life you can’t, you can’t eat sandwiches with your eyes. You can’t really eat anything with your eyes, I think. As far as I know, I think, you can’t eat anything with your eyes but I tried. Oh boy did I try! I tried to eat, you know, mushrooms, spaghetti. Pretty much all the food I tried to eat with my eyes but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t eat any of the food with my eyes, so sometimes I had to steal, I had to steal. You know, I admit it. I was desperate. I was hungry and so, I stole a banana and I would go to the supermarkets and steal bananas. I found the bananas one of the most effective fruit to steal because what you can do is you just take the banana and then as soon as you’ve got the banana in your hand and just pretend that you’re receiving a telephone call. So, you have a banana in your hand and just go (prr, prr) ‘Oh, looks like I’m getting a call here on my yellow mobile phone!’ And then you just sort of bring the banana up to your ear and just start talking ‘Yeah, hello. Yes, yes, yes it’s me. Yes, well, that’s right. How can I help you? This is the banana hot-line. How can I help you? Yes. Yes, I think so. Yes, you should. No. No, you shouldn’t really… No, you shouldn’t really do that with a banana. No. No. No. I know. I know the shape of the banana makes you think that you could do that but seriously you shouldn’t because, well, bananas are a bit too soft, actually, for that despite the shape. That’s too soft so, you shouldn’t do it. No. You shouldn’t put it in there. No. Because it’s too soft. You might not be able to get it out, right? OK. No. No. Put it in your mouth. That’s right. Eat it. Eat it. That’s what you’re supposed to do with the banana. OK? Good’ And then I’d just keep talking like this on the banana phone and walk out of the supermarket with the banana to my ear and all of the staff in the shop would look at me and they would like ‘What’s going on? What’s going on there? Oh, it’s just a man talking on the mobile phone. Nothing to see here’ And I would just walk out of the shop with the banana phone like that and then I would have the banana. But sometimes what I would do I’d forget that it was a banana and I would think that I was making a telephone call. I’d try to call, you know, I’d try to call my parents on the banana and then after half an hour of attempting to make a telephone call on the banana I would realise ‘Oh my God, what am I doing?!’ And then I’d eat the banana. And then I’d be OK. 28:20

So, that’s how I survived. I’d just move from supermarket to supermarket doing the banana phone trick until eventually, you know, I was desperate, you know, I just couldn’t eat bananas anymore. I was sick of them and didn’t matter how many times I tried to call the banana hot-line no one answered because it didn’t exist. It didn’t even exist! It was all in my imagination so, I’d started begging on the streets and I would sit on the street and I would say ‘Excuse me, excuse me sir. Can you spare ten p? I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, you know, I’m a Cockney for some reason now. Can you, can you spare me ten p, governor, for a cup of tea?’ For some reason the Cockney accent helped. People all were like ‘Ah! It’s just a poor young Cockney, maybe a chimney sweep or something and he needs some money because he is, he is hungry. So, excuse me squire, you couldn’t spare a couple of pounds for a dear old Cockney. He’s got nothing, no money to his name’ And they would like give me some money and I’d go down to Marks & Spencer and buy some quality sandwiches. OK, so that’s how I survived.

And one day, one day this strange looking gentleman approached me in the street, strange looking gentleman. He was dressed in, like, a suit. He was dressed in suit with a top hat. He had a monocle. That’s like a, you know, like a pair of glasses but with only one lens and you kind of hold it in your eye. So, he had one of those, he had a monocle and a moustache and a top hat and a suit and he was like a very posh gentleman. And he came up to me and said – Excuse me, young gentlemen. Young beggar  – I was young at the time – Beggar, Mr beggar, I don’t know what your name is. I’m gonna call you Mr beggar. I’m using ‘Mr’ as a polite term of respect. Mr Beggar, how can I help you? You seem hungry. You seem desperate and tired. Would you like a job? – And I said to him – Wow! That’s amazing! First of all my name is Luke. – He said – Ah, Luke. Thank you. Thank you. It’s, it’s… You know, I always think that it is good to be on first name terms with homeless people – And so, I said – I’d love a job. What’s, what’s the job? – He said – Come with me to my mansion in North London and I’ll show you everything – And I said – You’re gonna show me everything?! Like everything?! No, no. Don’t misunderstand Luke. Please don’t misunderstand. I’m gonna show you everything related to this job offer. Ah! Right! OK! Great. Well, let’s go. Let’s go to North London.

So, we immediately… I don’t know… His name was… Let’s see… what was his name. I said to him – Excuse me, just before I agree to accompany you to your mansion maybe we should just introduce ourselves and get acquainted. And I’ll start: hello, my name’s Luke and I’m an English language teacher. I recently got fired because of a misunderstanding. My boss thought I was being rude to my students. Ridiculous! And so, he fired me. It was all a big misunderstanding. I wasn’t being rude. I wasn’t. It was… I don’t know how to explain it because it’s just improvisation. But, you know, I wasn’t being rude. Essentially, it’s because I was teaching Italian mafia bosses English and, you know, you’ve got to communicate them, you’ve got to communicate with them in the language that they understand and that’s often with a lot of swear words, sort of rude, aggressive communicative styles so, I was just, you know, adapting my teaching style for my class. But my boss overheard me telling my students to ‘shut up’ and he fired me. He fired me. He fired me from my job and so, I was on the street. So, that’s my position. I also do a podcast called ‘Luke’s English Podcast’ which won the MacMillan award for best blog in 2011 and in 2012(!) so, you know, I’m good, I’m a good person and I’m nice and… yeah. So, that’s me. My name’s Luke. It’s very nice to meet you. And what about you sir? What’s your name sir, with a moustache and a monocle and a hat? Sir! Please, sir! Please, sir. Sir! What’s your name, sir?! Can you tell me what’s your name is, please, sir?! – And he said – Just Luke please, just give me a chance to speak – Sorry, I forgot I have the posh accent – So, my name is Daniel Lazenby-Smythe, Daniel Lazenby-Smythe. That’s right and I’m very, very posh. I’m quite possibly the poshest man in London and it is a pleasure to make you acquaintance, Mr Luke. Actually, it’s Mr Thompson, Luke Thompson. Ah! I do apologize, Mr Thompson, it’s a pleasure to make you acquaintance.

So, wow, Daniel Lazenby-Smythe, what do you do if you don’t mind me asking? What do you do? Well, Luke, I am a collector. I’m a collector of rare endangered animal species. Wow! Wow! That sounds interesting. Rare endangered animal species. What’s that? What are they? What is it? What are you talking about, Daniel?! Help! Well, rare endangered animal species, what I do is I travel the globe with a huge truck and I travel around and I search for endangered animal species. These are animals which are very rare, animals which are in danger, animals which are under threat. And I collect them and I put them in the back of the van and I take them to London and then I keep them in my mansion. So, wait a minute, Daniel. So, basically, you steal rare animals from other countries? Yes, basically yes, Luke. That’s what I do. I just steal animals. But I’m not sure about the ethics of that. Isn’t that a little bit ethically questionable? Well, you know, you probably do have a point, Luke but… never mind that. Let’s just keep moving forward with the story, shall we? Yeah, good idea. OK. Right. So, let’s get in a taxi and let me show you my furry animals. OK. Great!

So, we got into a taxi (car’s noise) That’s… (car’s noise) got in the taxi (car’s noise) and, you know, I started doing this (car’s noise) and Daniel said to me – Luke, why, why are you making that strange noise? (car’s noise) Because, well, isn’t that what you do when you get into a taxi? You know, you sit down, you put your sit belt on, you tell the driver where you want to go ‘The mansion, please. The big mansion in North London’ and the driver goes Right you are, governor. Big mansion in North London. Here we go. Strap in’ and then you go (car’s noise), don’t you? – And Daniel said – No. No, Luke. No. That’s really… That’s not necessary to be honest with you. Not necessary at all – And I said – Well, Daniel, this is my story. I can do what the hell I want. It’s my story. Fine, fine, Luke. Yes, you go ahead. You sit there in a taxi, next to me making a noise like a crazy person and fine. You just do whatever you want to do. If you think that it’s right, go ahead. After all you did win those awards and everything so you must know what you’re doing. I do, Daniel, I do. I know what I’m doing even though I’ve got fired from my job and I’ve been eating bananas and pretended that they’re telephones and things like that, but I know what I’m doing, OK? Trust me, I’m an English teacher .

OK, so (car’s noise) off we went to the mansion and we went past various impressive sights in London, driving along the roads. We drove past Abbey Road Studios because that’s in North London and as we drove past I noticed there were The Beatles, The Beatles were just standing there outside the studio. All four of them! That’s right. Even John Lennon despite the fact he is actually dead, in this story he was there. He was actually there. So the four Beatles were there and… let’s see… Ringo was there. Ringo was saying – OK then Beatles, let’s go into the studio and record a new album – And Paul was like – OK, all right John, Ringo, George (Ooooh!) let’s go into the studio, shall we, and record a new album – And George was sort of saying, let’s see, George – OK, Paul, if you want us to go into the studio we’ll go into the studio. If you don’t want us to go in, we won’t go in – And Paul was – You know, actually, George, I think we should go into the studio because (Ooooh!) it’ll be, it’ll be great, you know, it’ll be like, you know, Sergeant Pepper – And then John said – OK, McCartney, I think you’ve got a good idea. Let’s go into the studio and record us another album – And, so, I overheard all of this as I went past Abbey Road Studios in the taxi and I just watched them walking into the studio and I thought ‘Oh my God, this is a momentous moment, if that’s possible. This is a momentous moment in history. The Beatles have got back together. John Lennon has come back from the dead. They’re going into the studio. They’re going to record a new album. This is amazing’ But I didn’t really have a chance to stop the taxi and go into the studio and listen to the music. I thought I didn’t have a chance. It turns out I did because I said to Daniel – Daniel! Daniel! Wait! Let’s turn around the taxi. I just saw The Beatles going into the studio to record a new album, a new Beatles album. We’ve got to go and listen – And Daniel said – Well, certainly Luke, after all this is your story. You can do whatever the hell you want and I’m sure you will – And so, we turned around the taxi. We went back to the studio and we walked in and… just… sort of walked into the back of the studio and sat down got ready to listen to genius in action and this is what we heard:

Singing, singing a song
Beatles, we’re the Beatles
And we’re geniuses
We haven’t lost our talent at all
Because we’re still The Beatles, genius

And then I thought ‘Is that it? Is that, is that what they’re recording? That is terrible! How on Earth, how on Earth could they expect that to be successful?’ – And so, we just left because it was so rubbish. Obviously, they’d just lost it. They’d lost all their talent somewhere along the line so… Anyway, we got back into the taxi, went to the mansion. So, we got to the mansion and Daniel Lazenby-Smythe said – OK Luke – in a posh voice – OK Luke, what I’m going to do now is I’m going to show you my collection of endangered animals. OK? But you must make two promises to me, two promises which you must keep. Promise number one is that you do not touch any of the animals and promise number two is you definitely don’t touch the animal in the cage at the end of the corridor. OK? Don’t touch the animal in the cage at the end of the corridor. I can’t emphasise this point more seriously. Please, don’t touch any of the animals especially the one in the cage at the end of the corridor – and I thought ‘OK’ – All right Daniel, I agree to your terms. I won’t touch any of the animals especially the animal at the end of the corridor. Now, to be honest, I’m already getting curious about the animal at the end of the corridor and I’m sure that the listeners are getting curious about it too. Listeners, Luke? What are you talking about? Listeners, there’re people listening to this. There’re People, People listening to this?! Are you sure? Yes, I’m positive. I get two to three thousand downloads every day. A lot of people in the world listen to this. Lots of people listen to this? Are you…, are you certain? It seems like absolute meaningless crap. Luke, are you sure? Yep, I’m sure. People love this stuff. OK? So, just, yeah. Anyway, people are listening so, please, let’s move on with the story. Yes, yes, OK. Don’t touch any of the animals especially… Yeah, I’ve got it. …the one at the end of the corridor. Fine!

OK – So, we went downstairs. We went into the mansion. We went downstairs into the basement and that’s where he kept his zoo, his zoo of endangered animals, and he showed me… He showed me all the animals. There was a kind of a three-headed zebra, three-headed zebra. That’s right. There was a leopard which had no spots. A leopard, of course, is a kind of a big cat. So, leopard with no spots. I think it was a puma to be honest. There was also a duck without a beak, a duck without a beak. Poor thing, but it looked strange. Who really did it. Was it like a duck? But just like a round head with no beak on the end. Pretty weird. All sorts of amazing animals and then finally we got to the end of the corridor and there was a cage at the end with black curtains covering the cage so I couldn’t see what was inside. I couldn’t see but I… I kind of approached the curtains and I listened and I could hear heavy breathing (breathing, snoring). Then that I thought ‘Oh my God, what is in there? I can’t wait to see it’ (breathing, snoring, whistling, mutter, singing “Love me do”) ‘What on Earth could be behind this curtain? This is amazing’ so, I started to move the curtain back, started to move the curtain back because I wanted to see what kind of weird animal was inside this cage. What kind of fantastic creature could there be in there? I started to move the curtain and Daniel Lazenby -Smyth noticed me, said – Luke! Stop! Stop! Do not move the curtain! Do not move the curtain! – So, I said – OK, Sorry Daniel, sorry – And he said – Right, with that I think we should go to bed – And I said – Really? We’re gonna go to bed? Yes, let’s go to bed – And I said – Well, I didn’t realise that that was a part of the deal. I didn’t realise that that’s what we’d have to do. No Luke, No, you misunderstand. I’ve… You’ve got your own bedroom. Oh God! Thanks God for that! No Luke, you’ve got your own bedroom. You’ll be sleeping upstairs in the loft. I’ll be sleeping in my bedroom, which is in another wing of the house. Nothing to worry about – So, with that we went to our bedrooms and everything. I went upstairs and there was my room. It was fantastic. It was great. There was like a big comfortable bed and an arcade machine in the corner, an old Street Fighter II arcade machine. I hadn’t seen one of those for donkey’s years. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen a Street Fighter II arcade machine so, I went over and there on the side there was a pile of coins which Daniel had thoughtfully left for me and a note, a note written in Daniel’s handwriting. And it said
Luke,
I know that you’re a big fan of computer games and so I’ve left you this coin operated arcade machine of Street Fighter II Championship Edition and here’re some coins so you can play the game.
So, I put the coins in, I put a coin in and started playing, and I, you know, it asked me to choose my fighter. I chose Ken because he’s the best. And so, I started playing (game’s noises). If you don’t know what I’m talking about this is a… this is a computer game, a famous computer game called Street Fighter II. And I played Street Fighter II for ages. (Ha-Do Ken!) is what one of the characters says. Yes. I’m not gonna talk about that because it’s boring for most of you because I expect most of you have never played Street Fighter II. I think some of you have. Some of you probably know Street Fighter II and you love it and you’re going ‘Yes! Awesome! I can’t believe Luke is talking about Street Fighter II Championship Edition! Brilliant!’ But then the rest of you are going ‘What is Luke talking about? I’ve got no idea what Street Fighter II Championship Edition is. What does this thing keep saying (game’s noises) then never mind. OK? Never mind. Google it ‘Street Fighter II Championship Edition Ken’. Just google that then you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Right. So, I went to bed. I slept so well. Oh my God, I slept amazingly and I woke up in the morning all fresh and Daniel Lazenby-Smyth gave me some jobs to do. He got me to clean the cages of these animals. I cleaned them didn’t touch any of them, no, cleaned the cages. I was cleaning all day. He gave me a sandwich for lunch. Oh, I was happy, and a banana. And I cleaned the cages, cleaned the cages again, cleaned again. These cages was so clean by the time I finished that you could see your own reflection on the floor. That’s how clean they were. I cleaned them into like glass they were so clean. I mean these were wooden cages and I cleaned them so much that they became like glass. Yeah. Pretty amazing, isn’t it? And yeah, and there was that cage and the end of the corridor tempting me just by its presence. Just tempting me, asking me ‘Luke, why don’t you come and look inside the cage? I know you’re fascinated.’ But I, you know, I didn’t… I resisted the temptation. It was very difficult. I wanted to look. I wanted to move the curtains aside. I wanted to have a look inside. I wanted to see what this animal was but I could still hear the noises making (breathing, snoring, whistling, singing “Love me do”) It was very weird, very, very weird indeed. But I resisted the temptation I went back upstairs went to bed. That night I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about the animal in the cage downstairs. And you know what I did, listeners? You know what I did? I did nothing. No, I didn’t do nothing. I got up I got out of bed and I tiptoed very quietly, silently. I tiptoed down the stairs and tiptoed through the basement past all of these animals which were all sleeping. There was the zebra, you know, making a sort of zebra noise (zebra’s noise) That’s what zebras do when they’re sleeping but it had three heads so it was like (three genuine zebra’s noises) three heads. The duck with no beak just going (quack) because it couldn’t… can’t really quack properly, the duck, because it didn’t have a beak. It was like sort of going (quack) in its sleep. And the leopard and all that stuff, right? And I got to the end of the corridor and thought ‘Right, I don’t care what Daniel said. I don’t care anymore. I just want to see what is in this cage.’ So, I slowly moved the curtains to one side, slowly moved them to one side and there at the back of the cage was a huge, pink gorilla. Just a huge, pink gorilla sleeping and it had a radio as well listening to The Beatles, actually. So, there was a huge pink gorilla sleeping and I was stunned. I was absolutely stunned. I couldn’t believe my eyes. This massive gorilla. Pink! As pink as something is really pink. As pink as a lobster or as pink as just the colour pink. If you can imagine a page in a book and a child has coloured it pink with a pink pen? It was pink like that. Do you know like the way pink is pink? Well, this gorilla was really pink. OK? And I just thought ‘Oh my God! This is amazing’ and the fur of the gorilla looked so fine and so soft. I just really felt the urge to like reach through the cage and touch its fur. And then I suddenly realised ‘No! Daniel specifically asked me not to touch this animal. So, no, I’m not gonna touch it’ I really wanna touch it. I really wanna know how it feels like but I couldn’t. So, I decided ‘No, Luke. No. You’ve done enough tonight. You’ve investigated enough. It’s time to go to bed’ So, I closed the curtains. I tiptoed back upstairs, tiptoed up the stairs again and then went back to bed and I slept like a baby. I didn’t, you know, I didn’t… I slept like a baby. That means that I slept very well. It doesn’t mean that I kind of cried during my sleep and pissed myself, no. It just means that I had a very good night sleep. I slept like a baby. In the morning I was happy. I was happy. I cleaned the cages effectively, I cleaned them really well that all the animals were happy, that zebra with three heads, the duck without a beak, the leopard with no spots which could also be a puma. And I didn’t look inside the cage because Daniel was there, you know. Daniel was there, whistling (whistling). Because that’s what he does, Daniel. You probably don’t know but during the day he just whistles. He just sits there enjoying his animal collection and whistling (whistling) in a kind of 1950’s sort of way (whistling) Because no one whistles like that anymore, no one except Daniel Lazenby-Smythe because he is old fashioned and that’s just way he is. And so, I didn’t think about the pink gorilla, didn’t think about it at all until the end of the day, the end of the day. Suddenly when my work was done I remembered ‘Luke, what about that pink gorilla, though? What about the pink gorilla?’ And I thought ‘God, I’ve got to have another look’ because it was so amazing. So, after Daniel had gone to bed I went down the corridor and I, more confident this time, more confident because I knew what was inside, opened the curtains and the gorilla was right there in front of me, right there at the bars of the cage and he went – Hello – like that. And I went ‘Oh!’ like that, shocked. And he held out his hand to me. Held out his hand and I knew that he wanted me to touch his hand. Right? I thought ‘This, this doesn’t look so bad. It’s quite friendly’ The gorilla was smiling at me with these big teeth like that holding his hand out and I thought you know what? ‘I’m gonna… I’m gonna do it. I don’t care about Daniel Lazenby-Smythe. I just don’t care anymore, damn it! I’m gonna touch this gorilla. To hell with the consequences’ And so, I reached out my hand and I touched the gorilla. And his… just… I touched him briefly on the back of the hand and his fur was incredibly soft. It was like a fur of a unicorn. It was so soft. But this huge gorilla suddenly, soon as I touched him, suddenly started to go crazy. He started to shake the bars of the cage. He started to go round around, jump up and down. He did somersaults and I thought ‘Oh my God! What have I done? What have I done?’ And immediately the gorilla started to pull the bars open. He started to bend the bars open with this crazy look in his eyes, pull the bars open I thought ‘Oh my God! What have I done?! I’ve got to get out of here! I’ve got to get out of here!’ in an American accent. Suddenly I became like a kind of an American movie and I thought ‘Oh my God! Get out of there!’ So, I ran. I just ran. I ran out of the mansion. I didn’t bother to get any of my stuff. I couldn’t, I couldn’t because behind me the gorilla was running and I could hear his footsteps pounding on the ground as he chased after me through the mansion. So, I was running through the corridors of the mansion ‘Oh my God, I’ve got to run away. This gorilla’s gonna get me’ And I ran and ran. I could hear (footsteps) this gorilla coming towards me. So, I ran like my life depended on it because I w
as sure this gorilla was gonna rip my head off or something like that. So, I just kept running. I ran out into the street and I ran, ran down the street. I turned around ‘Maybe’ I thought ‘Maybe the gorilla… Maybe I lost him because I sort of took left turn there down an alleyway Maybe the gorilla, you know, has lost me…’ and I turned around but ‘…no. The gorilla hadn’t lost me’ In there it was sprinting down the road after me in a kind of gorilla style, you know, using his hands and his feet running after me and I… I just thought ‘Oh my God! What’s going on?!’ and then so, I ran. I ran for it and I found a bicycle on the side of the road. Just a bicycle had been left so I jumped on a bicycle and I accelerated. I bombed down the hill flying down the hill on this BMX bicycle and eventually I got down into the centre of the town an looked around and there was the pink gorilla. But he was on a bicycle too. I don’t know where he found it. He was flying down the road after me and so, I thought ‘Oh my God. I’m gonna neeed to find another form of transport.’ So, I quickly jumped onto a bus. I jumped onto one of those red London busses and I went upstairs and I kind of acted all nonchalant as if nothing was happening ‘So, I’m just… I’m just getting on a bus, nothing to worry about, just an ordinary passenger on this lovely red London bus. I’m just gonna sit here and act like nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine, everything’s absolutely fine. Maybe if I act normal the gorilla will sort of forget who I am and he’ll lose me, he won’t notice, right?’ So, I sat there and I started checking my emails on my phone and I kind of sat there for a while thinking ‘Ah, the gorilla probably doesn’t know where I am. I’m OK. After all I’m on a red London bus. It’s safe. Everything is OK.’ I looked out of the window and looked behind us down the street and immediately I saw the gorilla. And this gorilla was chasing the bus. He was chasing after the bus. He was smashing cars out of his way, just bang! Smashing these cars, taxies, black taxies, vans, trucks, just smashing them all out of his way in his mission to get me. And, you know, I nearly soiled my trousers, I’ll be honest, because I thought that everything was all right, but not. It wasn’t. The gorilla was more determined to get me than ever. He was just chasing after me. So, I just jumped out of the… jumped out of the bus and I thought ‘I’m gonna need to… I’m gonna need to get on another form of transport. So, I, sort of, dived into the Underground and I was in such a rush. I got up to the gates. I got up to the ticket gates but, of course, there was this woman in front of me. She couldn’t find her Oyster card. She was checking her pockets and I was like – Come on! Come on! For God sake, There’s a huge pink gorilla chasing after me! He’s gonna kill me. Can you just get through the gates, please? – And the woman was like – Excuse me, Excuse me, but I’m trying… I’m trying to find my Oyster card. I don’t need you. I don’t need you like telling me what to do, yeah? I don’t care if that pink gorilla chasing after you. I can’t find my Oyster card. Ah, look, sorry, but couldn’t you’ve looked for your Oyster card before you got here? This is the worst place to be. Didn’t you listen to my podcast about using the Underground? You shouldn’t, you know, you shouldn’t do this. You should be prepared when you get to the gates. You should have your Oyster card ready. No, look, Luke, you know, I know you… I know you’ve done a podcast about that but I don’t care right now. I don’t care, do I? I just don’t care, yeah? Yeah, I get the message. I think that you don’t really care. Fine. Never mind –

So, I went to the next gate and I got my Oyster card and I went through, managed to go down to the platform. The train came in. I jumped on the train and the train left and the announcement said – This is a Cockfosters… – No, the announcement said – This is a Piccadilly line train to Cockfosters calling at South Kensington and Piccadilly Circus – And so, I thought ‘Right. Good. I’m on a Piccadilly line going to Cockfosters. What am I gonna do? I guess I can go to… I can probably go to Stansted Airport if I change at Green Park onto a Victoria line and I take a Victoria line northbound and then go to Tottenham Hale. And from Tottenham Hale I can jump on the overland which would take me to Stansted Airport. And then I can just get a plane out of here and that pink gorilla is never gonna find me – So, I am, you know, I did that, took the Underground and I thought ‘This is fine. The gorilla can’t chase me on the Underground. This is fine. No problem’ And for a while I thought everything was all right. I thought ‘I’ve got a plan. Everything’s gonna be fine’ I changed onto the Victoria line. I went through to Tottenham Hale station, got out, walked through the streets ‘Nothing. No pink gorilla’ Everything was fine. Everything was calm ‘Nothing to worry about’ And so, I kind of walked leisurely in a relaxed way. I walked to the station to get the overland train, got the overland train, sat down, relaxed. I thought ‘This is gonna be nice. I’m gonna go on holiday somewhere. This is gonna be great’ I was just relaxing, sitting back in my seat. I looked to my right and there on the tracks next to the train, as the train was going along the tracks, then on the next set of tracks, there was the ****kin’ pink gorilla. There he was and he was on one of those like mechanical train things, you know those things, this is like a platform with a kind of metal handle, metal bar in the middle which you can lift up and down and it’s sort of… it’s a mechanical device which allows you to travel along the train tracks just by moving this bar up and down. So, he was on the one of those things moving it up and down, up and down, flying along next to the train. And I was so shocked. I just looked at him. I just couldn’t stop looking at him and the gorilla turned to me just there on the tracks, you know, flying along the tracks, moving the bar up and down. He turned to me and he just mouthed ‘I’m gonna get you. I’m gonna get you’ he mouthed. Understandably I was shocked and I was afraid. And… Hoooo! Dear, that was frightening so, what happened was I got out of the train near the airport and I realised ‘Oh my God, I don’t have any money’. While I was doing this I didn’t know what the pink gorilla was doing. He was probably putting the train platform mechanical device thing somewhere. Probably, maybe, maybe he had to deal with a member of train staff – Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me Mr Gorilla, Mr Pink Gorilla, do you mind if I ask you what you are doing? That is British Rail property. You’re not supposed to be touching that – And the gorilla probably went – I don’t care, squire. I don’t care what you think because I’m a bloody pink gorilla, yeah? I am on a mission to get that geezer over there called Luke Thompson. I’m gonna get him. Yeah, I’m gonna get him. I’m gonna… I’m gonna mug him right off. You will see, my friend – And so, that guy said – OK, sorry. You’re a bit frightening and a little bit scary and you’re huge pink gorilla. Im’ not gonna… I’m not gonna give you any trouble, in fact. I know, would you like a banana? I don’t eat any bananas, mate. I don’t eat. I’ve only got one mission and I that is to get that geezer over there called Luke Thompson and I’m gonna get him. Now, get out of my way! – So, the gorilla was involved in something which meant I had a little bit a time and I thought ‘Damn! I don’t have any money to pay for a ticket. What am I gonna do?’ And so, I went into the bank in order to borrow some money. I went to the bank to borrow some money, you know. I got an appointment with the bank manager in his office and so the bank manager said to me – OK Mr Thompson, would you like to take a seat? – So I said – Yeah. Great. Thanks. Thanks. Ooooo! Just sit down. Everything’s OK. Just sit down here. Oooo! That’s nice. Nice comfortable seats you have in a bank here, Mr manager. Yes, that’s right. We do have comfortable seats, Luke. Now, how can I help you? Well, I’d like to… I’d like to borrow some money, please. I’d like to take out a loan – And the bank manager said – OK. Fine. How much money would you like to borrow? – And I said – Well, I’d like to… if possible I’d like to borrow, well, as much, as much as you can… In fact, I’d like to borrow all… all the money, just all of it, all the money. Well Luke, I’m sure you realise that we can’t just simply lend you all the money, all the money in the bank. No, no, no, no. I don’t expect you lend me all the money in the bank, no. I just want you to lend me all the money, just all the money in the world. Ha, Luke! I understand you’re humorous gentleman. You like to have a laugh but seriously that’s impossible, that’s ridiculous. We… we could probably lend you about three thousand pounds with the interest rate, well, six per cent. Well, sorry Mr Bank Manager but I think you’ll find… I know that you’re the manager of this big bank which is all very important and all that kind of stuff. Well done. Congratulations. Clap, clap, clap. Good job. Yeah, you’re brilliant, but. I think you’ll find that this story and everything in it including you is basically the creation of my brain, OK? So, you can’t tell me ‘you can’t give me all the money’, OK? Because this is my story so basically, if I wanted to I could make you say and do anything I wanted – And the bank manager was like – Oh, really? Ehm… I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you. I think you’re making this up. Prove it – So, I said – OK. Fine. If you want me to prove it I’m gonna prove it. OK Mr Bank Manager, I’m going to make you speak like Sean Connery now. Ha! Don’t be ridiculous Luke. You can’t make speak me like Sean Connery… what the (hell)… Oh my God! You’ve made me speak like Sean Connery. This is… This is… This is strange. This is unbelievable. In fact, this is amazing. I’ve always wanted to speak like Sean Connery – To be honest he sounded a bit Dutch, really – Never mind, Luke. I don’t care if I sound Dutch. Essentially, this is a Sean Connery voice and you’ve made me speak like his. OK, never mind. Let’s say I don’t think you’ve convinced yet. Let’s say I want you to speak like Roger Moore. OK. Ha, you want me to speak like Roger Moore. That should be too much of a problem. OK, let’s say you’re gonna speak like a… you’re gonna speak like a Scouser. You’re gonna speak like someone from Liverpool now, Mr Bank Manager and then you’re gonna believe that I’m in control of this story and everything that happens in it. All right Luke. All right. So, you wanna… you wanna borrow some money? How much money do you wanna borrow? Oh yeah, you’ve told me that you wanna borrow all the money. Yes, that’s right. I do want to borrow all the money, Mr Bank Manager, who speaks with the Mancunian accent from Manchester. All right, Luke. All right. How’s it going? All right. Do you wanna borrow some money or something, yeah? You do … yeah? All right, I’ll tell you what I’ll do, yeah? I’ll give you a… I’ll give you a card, right? (gobbledygook) This accent’s gone wrong. Yes, that accent’s gone wrong. Let’s just say to speak normally, OK? And then I think you’ll agree that you can give me all the money, right? Because this is the story which I’ve created. Yes, OK Luke, you’ve convinced me. You’ve convinced me that you’re in control of the story. I’m gonna give you all the money. Would you like that in ten pound notes or twenty pound notes. Ah, well, can you give me twenties? C
ertainly, Luke. Have you got a container of some kind because all the money in twenty pound notes that’s a lot, that’s a lot of money? Ah, well, is there any way you could just give me like a credit card and then I don’t have to carry cash? Is that possible? Yes! Certainly, Luke. Yes, we can arrange for you to have a card. How about a debit card? Yes, debit card would be fantastic. Right. In fact, could you hurry up because, to be honest, I’m being chased by huge pink gorilla and I expect that it’s… it’s nearly caught up with me now. He’s probably outside the bank waiting for me so, please, can you hurry up and just get me the card and then I’ll be on my way, OK? Certainly, Luke, certainly. It’s been a pleasure doing business with you and I’m very glad that you’re our customer even though you’re going to take all the money. That’s right, all the money in the world. Yes, well, I’m gonna need it because I think this pink gorilla is a dangerous one and so I’m gonna need money. I’m gonna need some cash to help me get out of this difficult situation. I think you’ll agree – And the bank manager said – OK Luke, look, this… we’ve been in a bank too long in this part of the story so it’s time we moved on, isn’t it? Don’t you think? Yes, it is, bank manager. OK, thanks for your help. Great. Got the card. Great. Thank you. Bye, bye. Bye, bye, bye Mr. OK Luke, it’s really good doing business with you. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye – So, bang! Out onto the street again and I thought you know what? ‘I really love Starbucks. I love Starbucks. I wonder if there’s Starbucks nearby somewhere… Yes! There’s a Starbucks right there, right next to me, of course. So, I went into Starbucks and got myself a coffee, didn’t I? Yeah. Got myself a Skinny Gingerbread Latte Mocha Frappuccino on Ice. And I got that and I drank that and then I thought ‘What am I doing? What am I doing? I can’t remember. That it! I’m escaping from this pink gorilla which is gonna try kill me’ and with that I looked down the street and there was the pink gorilla, finally just flying down the street towards me on a skateboard. And I thought ‘Oh God! Oh my God, he’s on a skateboard! Oh God!’ So, what I did was I got a scooter. I just stole a scooter from a child. Sorry. I didn’t really. It’s just a story. I stole a scooter from a child. Said – Come on, Johnny. Give me a scooter. I don’t care if you’re a child. I don’t care if this is a criminal act. It’s just a story, OK Johnny?- In fact (sound effect), magic! There’s a… there’s a new scooter. So, you can have that one and I’ll take you old one, OK? OK, mister. OK, mister. You can take my scooter. Thanks a lot. Bye, bye, bye. So (sound effect), I escaped down street towards the airport on a scooter with the pink gorilla flying behind me on a skateboard. It was dramatic. We got to the airport. I got there first, flew into the airport on my scooter, got to the counter – Give me a ticket to… somewhere else, please, on an aeroplane. Give me an aeroplane ticket. I want to leave as soon as possible – and the women said – OK, sir. You can have this ticket here. There you go. That’ll be a hundred and fifty thousand pounds. A hundred and fifty thousand pounds! Yes Luke, a hundred and fifty thousand pounds but after all you have got all the money and so, it’s not a problem, really. No, it’s not. How did you know that I had all the money? Never mind that, Luke. Never mind. I think that a… I think that a pink gorilla’s chasing you so you might wanna just, you know, keep moving? Yeah! You’re right. Thanks. Thanks very much- So, I took the ticket and I went through the airport, went through the security control. That was a bit annoying. I had to stand in a queue and I was standing in a queue waiting to go through the X-Ray machine. The pink gorilla was just standing behind me. He was like – This is a bit boring, isn’t it? This security control – and they don’t even let you bring water onto the plane. Oh, they don’t do they. Oh, oh. This is annoying. Anyway, that’s the modern world, bloody terrorists. I got through security and the pink gorilla was like – Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be chasing you, aren’t I? Yes, yes you are. So, I ran away from him and jumped onto a plane and I managed to jump on before the pink gorilla got there. The plane taxied down onto the runway and then (starting plane) flew off and took off and I thought ‘Ah! Finally! Finally, I’m in the air. I’m safe. Ironically, this is the safest place flying in a huge metal aeroplane. I couldn’t be safer and so, there I was in the sky, just sort of relaxing. I ordered a Martini shaken not stirred and drank it and I looked out the window and I thought ‘This is great. I’m flying to a new exotic destination. This is gonna be great. No problem at all. And I looked out the window and there on the wing, on the wing of the aeroplane, you guessed it, there was the engine but next to the engine there was a pink gorilla, the pink gorilla was holding onto the wing of the aeroplane as we were flying just holding on looking at me staring at me smiling with these big teeth and I thought ‘Oh my God! Oh Jesus! He’s managed to catch up with me and he’s even hanging onto the wing. This is terrible’ So, eventually, the aeroplane landed. We landed in the North Pole. That’s right in the North Pole. It was pretty cold at there, pretty cold on the North Pole. We landed and a… immediately I just ran. I just ran straight out the aeroplane. I just ran off into the snow. I just kept running through the snow. Running, running. Running, running, running. It was a bit cold but I was all right because I was running. So, I was running, running, running, kept running and I managed to jump onto an iceberg, jumped onto an iceberg. That’s like a big mountain of ice just floating in the water. I ran. I jumped onto the iceberg. I looked over my shoulder and the pink gorilla was running through the snow as well. He jumped onto the iceberg so I jumped off that iceberg and jumped onto another iceberg and the pink gorilla followed me and I kept jumping from iceberg to iceberg, iceberg to iceberg until eventually I was stuck on a little iceberg. Just stuck floating in the water at the North Pole and the gorilla was there and just walked up towards me. He just… he jumped over onto the iceberg and just walked up towards me and I thought ‘Oh God, this is it?! This is it?! Is this end of my life? Oh! Oh, dear! Not now, please! No, I’m not ready to go. Not yet.’ And the pink gorilla walked up to me and he extended his hand again. His huge pink arm extended towards me and I thought I he was gonna rip my head off but his hand slowly moved towards me and he just tapped me on the arm and he said – Tag, you’re it! – and I went – What? What do you mean? Tag! Tag, you’re it! What? Tag, mate, tag! You’re it! It’s a game, isn’t it? It’s a game. It’s just a… It’s a game – and I said – What about your accent? – Oh, yeah! Yeah! It’s a game! It’s a game, squire! It’s just a game! It’s a children’s game! What? Oh, yeah! Yeah. Yeah. I expect the listeners at this point have got no idea what’s going on but, yeah, you right, yeah. Tag! It’s a game. It’s like a game you play when you’re children in the playground at school. You touch someone. You say ‘Tag’ and then ‘You’re it’ and if you’re ‘it’ you have to chase other people and you touch them and then their ‘it’ and they have to chase you – So, I said – Yeah. Exactly. Tag, your it! – I said – What? Is that it? – He went – Yep. That’s it – and he just with that took around ran in the opposite direction and there I was just floating on this iceberg at the North Pole. I just thought ‘He didn’t wanna kill me. It was just a game of tag. What a disappointment this story is. That was it. That was a huge game of tag. So, the pink gorilla was just competitive. He just enjoyed playing games. Oh, I’m so stupid! Why did I even touch him in the first place? What an idio
t I am. I wish I’d never done it at the first place.’ But then I thought ‘Well, it is a game of tag after all so, I’d better chase him’ So, I sort of stood up picked myself up of the ground brushed the snow of my trousers. I thought ‘Right. I’m gonna get that gorilla and with that I jumped from iceberg to iceberg to iceberg back to the airport and I could see the pink gorilla getting on the plane and so I leapt onto the wing and the plane took off into the sunset and our game of tag continued forever.

And now as I tell you this story I’m just taking a break from the game of tag and I’m just sitting here managing to find time to record an episode of Luke’s English Podcast. And you’ve been listening to it ladies and gentlemen so, thanks very much for listening and I hope that somehow you enjoyed listening to this random story. I’m sure that you’ll find that listening to this has been an experience. It’s certainly been good for your English. It’s very important to listen to things like this in English from time to time.

Now, if you want to you can suggest additions to the story. What do you think happened next in the story of the Pink Gorilla? Maybe there were some aspects to the story which I didn’t deal with, in which case feel free to leave a comment underneath this podcast. You can leave comments on teacherluke.podomatic.com (now teacherluke.co.uk) or you can leave comments on teacherluke.wordpress.com. So, please, leave your comments and suggestions and ideas. If you have any questions, of course, you can leave comments again and you will hopefully get answers to those questions, eventually. So, please, keep visiting the websites and do write your questions and comments there but for now, for this episode of Luke’s English Podcast it’s goodbye, bye, bye, bye…

You’ve been listening to Luke’s English Podcast. For more information visit teacherluke.co.uk

Thank you very much to Andzrej for sending me this transcript. If you liked The Pink Gorilla Story, let me know and I will do more episodes like this in the future. Who knows, I might do The Pink Gorilla Story Part 2…

Is this the Pink Gorilla?

Is this the Pink Gorilla?

99. The Rotary Sushi Bar of English

In this episode I challenged myself to talk for 30 minutes. I ended up talking for 1 hour, mainly about food in different countries.

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Contents
Here is a moment by moment tracklist for this episode:
1. The kinds of food we eat
2. Japanese sushi
3. Tsukiji Market
4. Green tea
5. Korean food
6. Chinese food at markets
7. Weird things I’ve eaten
8. First time I tried sushi
9. Sushi in London
10. The Japan Centre
11. American food
12. South American food
13. French bread
14. German food
15. Russian food
16. Chicken Kiev
17. Indian food
18. Birmingham’s Balti
19. Curry
20. African food
21. Other episodes about food
22. Buying a new kitchen
23. Homebase rant
24. Share price gamble
25. Finding another topic
26. My Dad bought me a watch
27. Obey
28. Banksy
29. Advertising
30. Half way point
31. Conclusions?
32. Memory loss
33. False ending
34. Directions game idea
35. Other things in the pipeline
36. Music show
37. YouTube video
38. False ending 2
39. Subliminal English learning through sleep
40. Winding down the episode, but keeping going
41. Brighton Comedy festival
42. Snigger Happy with Paul Langton and Alex Love – 21-24 May, Temple Bar, Brighton 7pm
43. Just bear with me – THERE’S A BEAR WITH YOU?!
44. Surprise jingle
45. Technical difficulties
46. Keeping it real
47. Podcasts with Paul and Alex
48. The 40 minute mark
49. Call it a day
50. False ending 3
51. Naming the episode
52. Green tea
53. Put down the guns
54. Peace among men
55. The cup of tea episode?
56. In memory of hot bottles of green tea on the Tokaido Line
57. Nova
58. The McDonald’s School of English
59. Learning how to teach
60. 10 minutes
61. Listening to students
62. How to use Luke’s English Podcast to improve your English
63. Lexical chunks
64. Prepositions
65. 2 ways of learning English using this podcast
66. Write down word for word what I say
67. Underline certain things
68. Visual learners
69. Learning words by reading + effect on pronunciation
70. Learn English by hearing it
71. The rotary sushi bar of English
72. Talking to yourself
73. The danger of becoming a bit mental
74. Listening when you’re young
75. Improving your pronunciation
76. The competition
77. Voting closes 16 May
78. False ending 4
79. Finding a name
80. Stream of consciousness
81. Thanks
82. Hitting my stride after 30 minutes
83. Aiming for dead-on one hour
84. Someone has posted a comment on your YouTube video
85. Dethroned318
86. The final stages of the episode
87. 59:10
88. 35 seconds left to keep on rolling
89. Jingle
90. A perfect ending
91. End with a final conclusive ending point at the end where we reach the 60 minute mark which I think will come up now, thanks for listening to this episode of the podcast bye bye bye bye bye

91. The A to Z of Random Thoughts (A Rambling Episode)

This is probably the most random episode of the podcast so far, and certainly the longest. It’s about the same length as a football match, in fact, why not listen to this while watching an actual football match? It might make it more interesting.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode.
In this one, I didn’t have time to prepare very much because I am going on holiday tomorrow and I have to pack. However, I wanted to publish something tonight so I decided to go through the alphabet from A to Z and just think of words randomly, and then make a few comments about those words. You can see the words I mention below in a long list.

Please feel free to add your comments to this podcast episode. I’d really like you to contribute your thoughts.

I also give you an update to the competition I launched in the last episode. I have received a few mp3s but not as many as I expected. So, I’ve decided the change the rules of the competition. You can now send me emails with your responses to podcast episodes. Write no more than about 200 words in response to an episode. Please write the word ‘competition’ in the email so I know it is a competition entry. I will read out your emails on a podcast in the near future and then listeners can vote for their favourite mp3 or email response. The winner will get the Phrasal Verbs dictionary.

Here’s the A to Z list I talk about in this episode. There are also some videos at the bottom for you to check out. Have fun, and please donate some money (even a small amount helps) so I don’t lose out by doing this podcast. Your donations make this podcast possible. If you’d like to donate, click the button below. It’s easy and PayPal is a very safe and secure way of transferring money online (you can use it for eBay and other stuff too)…

A to Z
Remember that I just wrote these words down randomly in a couple of minutes. In the podcast I talk about these things. There’s no overall theme. It’s just a random collection of ideas, all improvised into the microphone.
Action
Ambition
Business
Batman
Comedy
Destruction
Deserve
Dogs
Elephants
Eggs
Easter
French
Germany
Greece
Gravy
Hamburgers
Health
Hicks (Bill Hicks)
Holidays
Ice-cream
Igloo
iPad
James
Jimi Hendrix
Jazz
Jogging
Jobs (Steve)
Keith Richards
Keith Moon
Kissing
Luke/luck/look
Luck
Lazy
Lemon and Lime
Lennon (John)
Mum
Maths
Monopoly
Nose
Orange Juice
Obstacles
Opportunities
Police (crime fighters)/ The Police (rock band)
Pressure
The Queen (monarch) / Queen (rock band)
Qualifications
Questions
Respect
Remember/Remind
<b>Random</b>
Stones (Rolling)
Stone (in your shoe)
Stupid
Sorry
Trailers
Trees
Underwear
Underground
Violence
Women’s day
Wookie
Why?
Xylophone
X-Men / ex-men
X-Box
Yesterday
Yes
Yellow
Zebra
Zoo
Zen

Batman’s night out in Toronto
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLOps4qA5rM&w=400&h=233]

72. The Cheese Episode

Why is it called The Cheese Episode? Listen to the whole thing to find out.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode.
Challenge
In this episode I set myself another challenge. Here are the rules and conditions of the challenge:

1. I have to speak for at least 30 minutes.
2. I’m not allowed to stop speaking or stop the recording UNLESS I get a phone call.
3. If I get a phone call I can pause the recording and continue later, or whenever I want.
4. While speaking I’m not allowed to leave any long pauses in which I don’t say anything. If I pause for a long time I fail and I have to stop there.
5. I have to try to make sense, and keep it interesting (difficult!)
6. I can’t just talk about mundane/trivial stuff. I have to talk about more profound things too and make some points if possible.
7. I can talk about mundane things but only if I then talk about something profound afterwards.
8. If I talk about a profound subject then I am allowed to talk about something mundane and trivial for a bit (but then I have to talk about something profound again.)
9. I have to try to conclude the episode by making a point at the end.

I decided to call it the cheese episode. Listen to find out why.

I think I might have failed this challenge because I paused a couple of times and because my final point was a bit vague. Did I fail? Add a comment below to let me know.

Any questions? Add them to the comments section below. Feel free to add comments to the comments box on the right (a bit further down) too.

I speak pretty quickly in this episode, but this is how I normally talk to my friends! I’m trying to keep it natural and authentic (as much as that is possible when speaking into a microphone on your own.)

What should you do when you listen to this?
– Just try to follow what I am saying
-Try to notice chunks/blocks of language
– If you like you can try to write a transcript of the episode (or some parts of the episode)
– If you write a transcript, please send it to me. It would be really useful to other listeners to read.

Transcript
Click here to see a transcript for this episode on a google document.

Let me know what you think.

Peace,

Luke

71. The Ice Cream Episode

Why is this one called The Ice Cream Episode? You’ll have to listen to the whole thing to find out.

Small Donate ButtonRight-click here to download this episode.
FULL TRANSCRIPT NOW AVAILABLE BELOW!

Introduction
In this episode I decided I’d give myself a challenge: could I just talk non-stop for 45 minutes without planning anything in advance, and keep it interesting? You can decide for yourself if I was successful or not.

I don’t actually teach you anything in this episode, but if you’re a good learner of English you’ll just use this as a chance to listen to 45 minutes of natural authentic English from a native speaker. You might be able to just pick up some expressions, notice features of pronunciation or just enjoy listening to me ramble on about things like Blackberrys Vs iPhones or the way robots always turn evil in movies. I hope it’s useful and/or interesting for you!

Good learners of English try to notice blocks of language. These blocks of language can be certain grammatical structures, phrases, vocabulary or just sentences which contain new words or complex structures. When you notice these bits of language, you can analyse them yourself. What kind of grammar is being used? What does this tell you about your own understanding of how the language works? What exactly do the expressions mean? How can you use them yourself? How would you use the language to talk about your own life or experience?

Here’s a challenge: In this podcast I want you to try to notice some ‘blocks of language’. When you find one you like, just write it as a comment on the bottom of the episode. If lots of people write a block of language from the podcast as a comment it will help other people to pick up vocabulary and expressions. I’ve given you some from the first 10 minutes or so already. You can read them below. Please add some more by writing comments with the language blocks you have heard.

Also, you’ll have to listen to the whole thing to find out why it is called The Ice Cream Episode.

Cheers!

Luke

P.S. A VERY HELPFUL LISTENER HAS WRITTEN A FULL TRANSCRIPT FOR THIS EPISODE. IT MUST HAVE TAKEN A LONG TIME TO WRITE IT. NOW YOU CAN READ IT HERE:

THE ICE CREAM EPISODE – FULL TRANSCRIPT

You’re listening to Luke’s English Podcast. For more information visit teacherluke .podomatic.com

Hello, you’re listening to Luke’s English podcast. This is a podcast and it’s made by someone called Luke.
That’s me and you’re listening to it and it’s about English. So, that’s why I said that you’re listening to Luke’s English podcast. I expect you’re listening to it. That’s normally what you do with a podcast. You kind of listen to it, you maybe… you would download it as well, you might have uploaded it onto your iPhone or iPad or other mp3 device. There are plenty of other mp3 devices out there. It’s not just Apple products despite what you might have
led…been led to believe. There’s lots of them, you’ve got like ones made by Sony and Panasonic and other Japanese companies. Not to mention all of the other companies from different places on the world. Right now in this episode I’ve kind of set myself a stupid random challenge and that is, I’m going to see if I can just keep talking for about forty five minutes. I haven’t planned anything. I haven’t written anything down. I’ve got no preparation at all. I’m just going to see if I can just ramble on about not very much for at least forty five minutes. Now, if you are a regular listener of this podcast you’ll know that at the beginning of each episode there’s often about ten minutes of me just sort of talking and in a slightly self indulgent way, just talking about stuff for about ten minutes before you actually get to the real content. Now, if you don’t like that part of the podcast, if you think that’s boring and you kind of skip through it then you’re probably not going to enjoy this one because I haven’t written any vocabulary notes. I’ve got no phrasal verbs, I’ve got no idioms or anything. I’ve got no useful expressions written down which I’m going to teach you. I’m just going to keep talking. Why am I doing this? I don’t know, I’ve just actually just decided to do it this evening and maybe it’s because I just like the sound of my voice. That could be it. You know, yeah maybe that’s it! Because it would be sad if that’s the only reason I’m doing it because if I like, if I just like the sound of my own voice that means I’m a bit egotistical, but maybe that’s the reason. I don’t know.
Another reason is that I want to do a podcast tonight but I just can’t really be bothered to prepare something because when I do one of these usually, I kind of sit down. I have to think of lots of ideas and I choose a topic or choose an idea and I think, right, I wanna do a podcast about that. And then I have to plan it and prepare it. So, if I have chosen that subject let’s say for example ‘The human body’ right? The human body, that’s actually an idea I had on the bus today. So, I… the human body, that would be an interesting idea for an episode. So what I would then do is think… okay, the human body is the subject, so what am I going to do? Body parts? Parts of the body? I could do that. I could teach you all of the different body parts but actually that’s not really
very useful, not very easy when it’s just audio because really the best way of teaching you different parts of the body would be to kind of show you the different parts of the body on a picture or something like that. I can’t really do that with an audio podcast like this. So I thought, hey, I know, I could do a sort of maybe the verbs, different verbs that you use when describing what different parts of your body do. You know? That would be brilliant wouldn’t it? That would be a really good, really useful podcast.
Well sorry, no, that’s not what you’re going to get with this one. You just going to get lots of random nonsense that’s err, probably doesn’t really help you. Unless of course you think ‘Well just listening to someone who’s just talking constantly like this without really planning anything. Just really naturally, sort of, speaking.’ I don’t know, maybe that isn’t really natural when you have to just talk for forty five minutes. Not very often. But anyway, maybe just listening to someone, just trying to create some continuous, like, discourse, you know just producing a continuous flow of spoken discourse. That might be for some, somehow useful. Maybe if you’re one of those clever
learners of English, you will be able to just sort of pick up bits of vocabulary or pick up expressions that I use to kind of construct this continuous flow of speech and you know if you’re clever as a learner of English you’ll be able to notice little bits of language that I’m using to give structure to what I’m saying to link things and so on. That’s what good learners of English do, right? You kind of notice bits of language and pick them up and start using them yourselves. So really, I suppose in this episode I’m leaving it up to you. It’s up to you to do the kind of language work. I’m just presenting you with forty five minutes of kind of natural British English and it’s up to you to start noticing structures, noticing bits of language and picking them up, right?
So consider this to be a sample of forty five minutes sample of unbroken spoken English, which you can just analyze as much as you like. I’m not going to do any of that, analysis work tonight, just because you know, I don’t wanna sit there for two or three hours this evening, writing down expressions and writing down examples and definitions and then recording it and then uploading it. It could take me kind of four hours or something, to do it. You know, I’ve got stuff to do this evening you know. I’ve got to do my laundry, I’ve got to do. I’ve go to cook for myself and eat, you know. I have to eat, you know, like at least three times a day and I need to drink water, You know.
Those are basic things that I have to do just to survive. I don’t necessarily have lots of time to sit down and prepare and record a podcast. I imagine… I expect that some people who are listening to this will going to be really bored and frustrated with this podcast. Just because there is no real content. It’s just me talking in a very self indulgent way but who cares? Right?
If you’re that kind of person, just, you know stop listening really. But if on the other hand you’re one of these fabulous learners of English who’s able to just tune in mentally to some, you know spoken English you might be able to pick up some really useful things and just generally practice your listening. I mean, it’s probably… it could be a good idea.
Okay, right. So, what might I talk about?
Well, You know I’m just going to basically ramble stupid stuff, you know for forty five minutes like I’ve said just to see if I can do it. It’s just a challenge really. It’s just a personal challenge. Can I just keep talking without stopping for forty five minutes? And hopefully keep it interesting. It could be difficult, particularly the kind of ‘keeping it in interesting’ bit. I think that might be a bit of a challenge.
I think I could probably keep talking for ages but whether or not it would be interesting, that’s another question.
We will see. We will see at the end. You can decide whether it was interesting or not. I imagine, if you just decide to stop listening you’ll think: Oh no, that wasn’t interesting. That was just stupid and you know a waste of time, waste of effort but you know, maybe not.
I kind of… I’m kind of repeating myself here. I expect that would be a general theme of this episode. Me, just making the same points over and over and over again.
So yeah, I think that in almost every episode of Luke’s English podcast, almost every episode, I teach you something. There’s usually some vocabulary or something like that. So you know, you can just go back over those old ones. And there’s loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads of language you can get from that.
This one is not one of those episodes. It’s just a kind of rambling stream of consciousness let’s say. No preparation at all. So it’s just, you know, it’s just as it’s occurs to me, as it were.
Now what I might do is when I’ve finished doing all this talking, I might listen back to it again and just write down some expressions that I’ve used and then just put them on the podcast. And that way you can kind of read the expressions, look at them, think about how they’re used, listen to me using them and that will help you to kind of pick them up and so on.
Yeah, so let’s see. Sitting here on my desk, I recently bought a desk for my living room and it’s revolutionized this room because now finally I actually have a place where I can sit like a civilized person. I’m not just sitting on the sofa like some kind of coach potato. I’ve actually got a desk where I can sit up right and it’s good for my back you know, because sitting on a sofa recording a podcast or sitting on the sofa whenever I use the computer, I’m always like hunched over you know with my back bent, It’s like a very uncomfortable position and I get pains in my neck, you know I get like aches and pains in my spine from sitting in uncomfortable positions using the computer. So finally I thought, right, that’s enough! I’ve had enough of all this leaning over.
I’m going to get a desk. So I bought a tiny little desk from Argos.
Now Argos is one of those shops like a high street shop but it’s very clever really, Argos, because you go in there and instead of seeing all the stuff on the selves and having to walk around the shop.
Instead they’ve just got a massive catalog. Yeah right and it’s like the bible, really! I mean, if you’re in to shopping, then the Argos catalog is basically the bible for some, for a materialistic person and you can just flick through the bible and they’ve got everything in this catalogue. Just everything!
Well, you know within reason, not absolutely everything and I mean they haven’t got for example an eight legged pink flying elephant. You know I don’t think so.
I mean, I haven’t checked the index for an eight legged pink flying elephant recently. They might have started doing that. I don’t know. But they don’t have absolutely everything. They’ve just got pretty much everything you need for your life. So if you’re going to go camping, you’re going to get all your camping equipment, if you’re going to go to University, you can get all your dictionaries and your pens and paper and stuff like that. If you play computer games you can get PlayStation 3 and all the latest games and controllers and stuff. You get the idea, don’t you? I think you can get pretty much everything there including furniture. So I thought, right. I’ll just go to Argos. Let’s keep it simple. I don’t want some complicated drawn out shopping experience where I have to walk
around the, you know lots of floors on the department store somewhere trying to find the perfect desk. I don’t have time. I can’t be bothered to do that. So instead I have just realized actually that, when I’m recording this, there might be people outside because I live in a block of flats there might be people outside waiting for the lift who can hear me speaking because I do speak quite loud when I’m recording this. And they are probably listening to me thinking: ‘God, the guy who lives in this flat is a real weirdo, just talking to himself.
Maybe this is very strange behavior, I don’t know. Maybe this means I’m a bit crazy. Who cares? I don’t really care what other people think that much, to be honest. So screw them. I don’t care about them. Anyway ,where was I? I was talking about the Argos experience. So I thought , keep it simple. I’m just going to go to Argos and get like a really cheap desk. This desk here it cost me about thirty pounds. Thirty pounds is cheap. So I had to build it myself. You know, you have… Again one of the clever things about Argos is they’ve just kind of give you the furniture but it’s in a pack and you have to take it home and build it yourself. I guess that’s one of the reasons why it’s cheaper. If it was already made then it would be more expensive, right?
So you go in, you choose the thing you want from the catalog, you mark it down on a piece of paper, you take that to the cash register, and there is usually a person, you know there is a person on the cash register . Usually some sort of miserable person like sales assistant who all day, they just stand there at this counter, just taking money from people. And it must be so boring. I mean, I did work in a shop actually for a year doing just that, just after University. I didn’t know what to do. So I just worked in a shop for a year. I mean I just stood there and I became like a robot. It’s like ‘Hello, next customer please, hello Sir, did you find anything you’re looking for? Thank you, that’s £9.99, please. Thank you. Would you like the receipt in the bag? Thanks very much. Next customer please!’
You know this kind of thing just THAT for nine hours a day, everyday for a year starts to root your brain.
So, understandably that people who serve you… Oops, I just pulled the headphones out. Oh dear, it’s all going wrong. I have some technical difficulties. Okay dear okay, I’m be back in business.
So the people who work in these places they are not exactly the most sort of motivated, enthusiastic people in the world. So they take your money, they give you a piece of paper and they say something like, “please go to collection point 3B, it should be ready in about fifteen minutes! Thank you. Next costumer please.” And so you go to collection point 3B and it’s all a bit mysterious, like a bit of a mysterious process that you have to go through.. You kind of stand there with a code number and you go up to the counter and you say:’ “I’m 3B’ This is connection point 3B. I’m costumer 3N709. I think you have a package for me”. And hopefully then they will find the package in the store room and bring it out for you. There actually is a so strange pleasure, a strange joy in being given your purchase in a box over a counter. It feels
like a sort of secret transaction. Like you’re some kind of a secret agent. You kind of give them a code number and they give you a kind of brown box and you don’t even need to say anything to each other. You just take the box and disappear. I mean, it’s pretty cool, pretty fun. You know in its own unique way and that’s it.
So I got this desk, and that’s cool isn’t it? Yeah, that is brilliant, really.
On my desk here, I’ve got my phone. It’s a Blackberry. Now, recently I got this Blackberry. I used to be an iPhone user. Now, we all know how brilliant the iPhone is. It’s amazing. Oh God, have you checked my new iPhone ? Oh, it’s so good. I didn’t realize how great it was. You know, it’s absolutely fantastic ! That’s what people say. It’s like the iPhone conversation, which everyone has to have at some point. You’ve probably had the iPhone conversation yourself. That’s the one where you kind of see a friend of yours who has recently got an iPhone and they say: ‘Oh, it’s brilliant, oh, I absolutely love it, you know, it’s just intuitive. It really is, the design of it, it’s so intuitive!’
It IS brilliant and very intuitive and user friendly. It also happens to be extremely expensive, the iPhone. I mean, God, they… Apple are clever. They make brilliant technology and then they charge you an absolute fortune for the privilege to use it. So I thought: ‘Right, I’ve had enough of this!’ I can’t effort to use the iPhone anymore. I’m going to downgrade and I’m going to go for a Blackberry. So I got this Blackberry bold and it’s you know what? It’s absolutely fine. When I first started using it, to be honest, I was a bit shocked. I thought, hold on a minute. What are these buttons? These are actual, physical buttons that I have to press on the front of the phone. What’s that??? And you know, that was like going back, sort of, of five or six years. Actually having to press down buttons with my finger. That’s like wasting energy. Pressing buttons. I don’t wanna press buttons. I
wanna touch smooth glass and have it respond. I wanna feel like I’m living in the future when I’m using a telephone but then I thought, actually no, despite having to physically press down buttons, this Blackberry thing is not that bad? It’s alright. It does basically what an iPhone will do. And it’s fine. And I love it now. I’m… as much as you could love a phone. I mean it’s a pretty weird relationship that we have with our mobile phone. Isn’t it? I mean, say twenty years ago, fifteen years ago no one had mobile phones and now… nowadays there’s like these essential things that we have to have in our lives you know, and if you lose it, it’s like game over. Isn’t it?
It’s a total disaster, if you lose your mobile. Actually when I stopped using my iPhone, when I moved to the Blackberry, it took me about a week to get used to using the Blackberry. Right? And in that week like particularly the first day when I realized that the Blackberry wasn’t quite as perfect as the iPhone, then I kind of thought… you know, I was actually emotionally upset. You know losing the iPhone was a bit like you know losing a pet. You know like if you have a dog that you love and the dog dies. You actually feel upset, you feel like crying, you know because you have lost this thing that you loved so much. That’s a bit how I felt when I stopped using the iPhone. I felt like I had lost something important, deeply important to my soul. And I felt like
crying you know. I was upset, I was depressed, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was unhappy as a result of losing this iPhone which is crazy you know. It’s totally mad, it’s just a piece of technology that we… that provides just the basic function which is the ability to basically just message you friends. You can do it on any old phone. It doesn’t have to be an iPhone. I think it’s… I think we’re really kind of… we have really been really suckered by technology. Particularly the high end technology like the iPad. I mean the iPad is fantastic but it is a luxury. It really is. It is an absolute luxury. No one really needs an iPad. That’s just a luxury and the same goes for the Amazon Kindle which is that thing, that looks a bit like an iPad but it just lets you read books and you can store like a hundred books on it. The Kindle… now, no one really needs that do they? I
mean I’m not fair enough like, oh yeah, you can store hundred books in it but who ever needs to carry around a hundred books? Maybe if you’re a student and you need like to carry books around , so that you can study from those books but I don’t reckon any students who have got Amazon Kindles have got all of these study materials on my Kindle. No, of course they haven’t. What most Kindle users do, they fill the Kindle up with a bunch of books that they feel like they should read and probably loads of books they have already read. I bet half of people who have got Kindles, they get the Kindle and they think:’ Right, I would better put some books on it and then they just fill it up with books that they have already read. What’s the point of that? It’s stupid! You only need one book at a time and anyway, if;ve you got a Kindle, if you’ve got a book that you’re reading you can kind of do anything with it.
One of the fun things about having a book is that you can kind of bend it in your hands. I quite like it when I finish a book, the book is like really sort of soiled. It’s almost like it’s been… it’s go on… like an adventure with me, that book and it doesn’t look the same as when it was new. I mean, it’s an absolute pleasure getting a new book. It’s like perfect, it’s been untouched by human hand almost. It’s clean, it smells beautiful, there’s nothing like the smell of a new book. It’s just, it’s fantastic. Maybe I’m kind… maybe I’ve got like a wired fetish about the way new books smell but I know, I’m not the only one. I’m sure that there are hundreds of you out there who love that smell of a new book. You know, you open the book. Hm, the smell of the clean pages, the fresh print on those pages is a fantastic thing. Then you start reading it and you’re reading it in lots of different positions, on the bus, on the train. You kind of carry it. It maybe gets a bit wet in the rain or you might spill coffee on it. I’ve actually killed insects with books before. I’ve been like sitting there, reading and there is a fly or mosquito buzzing around me . And the book is the perfect way to kill it, you know and just bang, just get it with the book and then there’s that dead insect in the pages somewhere,too. I think I’ve actually bled onto books as well in the past, so I’d spilled blood all sorts of bodily fluid. I’ve sneezed on books before and it all contributes to the sort of character of that book when you’ve finished with it. I like the idea that when you’re half way through a book… the bits of the pages that you’ve read are a little bit stained with… you know, just the marks from your fingers.
You can see it on the side of the book.. It’s like slightly… the pages have a little stain on the ones that you’ve read and the ones you haven’t read are fresh. They haven’t been touched yet. I quite like that. The fact that the book gets slightly damaged and develops a character, a physical character as you read it and it gets creased and folded and so on. I like that about having a book is like a physical relationship you have with it. Yeah, physical relationship you have with the book. Not that kind of a physical relationship, no, but you know what I mean.
But with a Kindle it’s just like a plastic thing that you have to be really careful with because if you spend like a hundred fifty pounds on this thing, you can’t drop it, you can’t fold it. If you do, it’s going to break and then that’s it. Hundred and fifty pounds down the toilet. So, and I hate this idea of taking an Amazon Kindle to the beach or an iPad to the beach. That’s like the worst thing you can do with a bit of high technology is Introduce it to some sand or maybe some salty water. Forget about it! It’s a ridiculous idea but we all know that introducing sand to a book you know, when you got a book on a beach it’s just again just giving it that extra bit of physical character that it’s been in contact with sand or wind or something. It’s brilliant. There’s nothing like having a real good book with you on holiday and the book kind of changes as you read it on that holiday. Yeah, we all know that’s true. So the Kindle and the iPad for me they’re luxuries. I’m not saying, I don’t want an iPad. I would love an iPad. Don’t get me wrong. I would absolutely love one but I know that it’s a luxury. Something I don’t really need. I mean just give me a pad, just give me a normal pad. I’ve got a brain, I’ve got an imagination, I’ve got fingers, I can easily get a pen. There’s a pan here in fact. I’ve got a pen with me now. Just give me a normal pad with paper on it and a pen and my imagination. I’ll come up with some entertaining stuff for myself if I have to. I mean the human race survived for thousands of years without iPads. I think we’re probably alright without them in the future. It’s a luxury but you know, I would love one to be honest. I think they’re amazing.
I wonder what’s going to happen actually … what is going to happen with the future of technology. The iPad is just like the first step in a new direction, really. And that new direction is that we can just sort of have the Internet with us at all times. And now you can use the iPad to do things like … you see people walking through the streets of London with their iPad. You know we used to see tourists with maps. You know like folding maps, walking around with the map in front of them. And now they have just got this iPad and it’s like a SAT NAV. You know, Satellite navigation. They can just walk around the town with the iPad in their hands and it tells them where to go and what to do. And it won’t be long, I guarantee, it wont be long before Google map becomes super advanced because if you have played around with Google maps you know, that you also have Google street view and Google street view is amazing because you can go on to Google map and if you click on the right button you can actually be transported onto the street that you’re looking at. So you can go to New York you can go to Manhattan on Google maps and you can walk down the street. It’s incredible. And you can see pictures, you can zoom in and zoom out and you can walk down almost every street in like major cities like New York or London or Paris and Tokyo. It’s absolutely amazing. And as well as that interesting places like restaurants or Museums or Historical places of interest are actually highlighted on the screen, on the pictures. So you can kind of click on that picture and they’ll give you information about that place. Maybe it’s a
restaurant review, the menu from that restaurant, the telephone number you can use to actually call the restaurant in order to book a table there. You can kind of like do everything on the Internet. I reckon that eventually Google street view will be live. It will actually be live. So won’t just be one picture well it will be rolling video. I mean I wonder if that’s possible with Satellites even now that you can just have like everything. You can look at everything from satellites using video and just see real time live what’s happening. I reckon it’s going to happen soon that you would be able to use Google to just observe many parts of the world just as they are happening
live. That’s going to be amazing but the other thing… And I saw a TV program about this once is there eventually … I mean we already carry around very high quality like high technology computers with us. These are our iPhones and stuff. Eventually they’ll become so good and so fast at processing that we’ll just be able to all sorts of things, just without any time delay at all. And if you can imagine, right, combining a pair of sun glasses with the screen on your iPhone and this is like an amazing iPhone, like the iPhone 19 or something , you know. Combining your sun glasses with… or maybe even contact lenses with your iPhone. So you’ll be able to
put your sun glasses on and then across whatever you’re looking at in the real world you’ve also got the Internet version of that. So you can look around the street and you’ll get little arrows, that will pop up in you vision on your sun glasses whenever you look at something. Suddenly you get a window from Wikipedia or something that’ll tell you information about it and all you need to do is like maybe you might to have a little pad on your hand and you just click the buttons and it’ll allow you to make telephone calls to that place or whatever. Find information about it. People will be walking down the street past you. You’ll be able to look at a person and immediately get access like to their Facebook profile, just by looking at them and then you could click on that person and add them as a friend or just find out various bits of information about them. I mean you can almost do this already using Bluetooth technology. You know, if you’ve got something like a Nintendo DS… a Nintendo 3DS handheld computer device ,then you can actually use Bluetooth to find people like… let’s say on the same bus as you who also have a Nintendo DS. And you can challenge them to a game of like Street Fighter 2 on the bus. And it’s just a random person you know and you can just have a game with them. This…Eventually all of this stuff is going to come together. So we’ll be able to just walk around and look at things and the Internet would be like you know stretched over everything like a Net and like an Internet. And then
you’ll just be able to… like you know use the directions that you get on Google maps. Instead you’ll just have like an arrow in front of you that you’ll be able to see on the screen on your sun glasses. The arrow would just point you in the right direction you know. If you wanna get to the pub like, you just use the arrow and it will point you where you’re going. It’s going to be
amazing. It’s basically the matrix. Eventually we won’t be able to tell the difference between the Internet and the real world. They’re going to combine and who knows eventually they might be able to implant some technology inside your head, that will connect with the electrical systems and nervous system in your brain and actually connect the Internet to your brain so that you’ll be able to feel or make decisions just by thinking about them. That’s going to be amazing. I mean they’ve already got technology which allows you to use your TV with your thoughts. So there’s something has being developed somewhere and it’s like a headset that you put on and it has a little camera I think that looks at your eyes and as you’re looking at the TV you could just think about changing the channel and the channel would change. Don’t ask me how they do it. I read about it today on the Internet. So it must be true. So it’s just one example of the sort of crazy stuff that’s going to happen. It will be the matrix, that’s eventually what’s going to happen and we’ll probably be able to do everything you know. Just travel around the world, visit people, actually have genuine experiences while we just sitting down on the sofa connected to the Internet. It’s quite a frightening thought in some ways but also quite amazing really. The frightening aspect to that is that when all this technology allows so many possibilities there’s the poss… there’s the threat that it’s going to be used for the wrong things, that it could be used to exploit people and that’s already happening with things like identity theft and so on. The people put there all of their personal information on to Facebook and I believe that anything you put on Facebook becomes the propriety of Facebook , I think. I’m not sure about that. I need to check it. So you know you can’t quote me on that but I think that if you’ve uploaded a video, photo onto Facebook then Facebook actually owns that video or that photo. It’s not yours. And they also own all your personal information which if unless you’ve like you’ve chosen the correct security settings, I think they can use that information. They can actually send it to people, they can sell it to marketing companies and so on. So there’s always that threat that your personal information will be used in a way that’s not necessarily good for you. So we have to be very very careful about the Internet and about the way in which it’s used and the content we put on to it. I actually worry about that quite a lot of myself because really I publish a hell of a lot of information about myself on the Internet particularly through this podcast because I sit here and I kind of talk about myself. I describe details, intimate personal details of my life. You know some of them, some of that stuff may be true , may not be true. A lot of the things I say actually are just for the benefit of the language learning that you’re doing but I worry, I think is someone going to be able to use
this for the wrong reasons. Well if they try and do that I will chase them. It will be like that Liam Neeson movie, I think it’s called TAKEN and if they try and do something, I will hunt them down and I will catch them and I will make them pay.
Okay, so if there’s anyone out there, who is listening, if anyone in the world is thinking:’ Ha, I think I’m going to use Luke’s information and steal his identity and steal his money.’
Well, don’t ! Alright because I’ll come after you, I’ll find you and I’ll get you. Alright you know what I’ll do… what I’ll do, so I’ll make you stand up, right and I’ll grab your underpants from behind. I’ll grab hold of your underpants and I’ll pull them really hard all the way over your head and that will hurt your private parts a lot, okay? So don’t do it ! ! !
Don’t mess with my identity. To be honest, it’s not really any point steeling my identity because why would you wanna be ME first of all? There’s not really much that you can get from me. I don’t really have any money. I’m not famous. You can’t really… anyway… enough about that. I don’t only give you any ideas but basically it would be a waste of time stealing my identity, I can tell you.
Yeah so, yeah technology, it’s amazing but it’s also quite frightening. Don’t you think?
I wonder, when you look at sort of the way technology is represented in movies. We don’t trust technology, do we, really? If we see the way that we deal with it in movies, I recently watched that film with Will Smith, I, ROBOT. I don’t know if it’s got a different name in your country but basically in the movie my quick plot synopsis of I, ROBOT is, Will Smith is a cop in the future, right. But he is not like a cop like all the others. He’s a kind of like a… to be honest he’s like a normal guy from now, from the present day. But he just happens to be in the future. He’s kind of normal. He wears a leather jacket, he wears like a beanie hat. He probably listens to like Hip Hop
from the 90s or something. You know he probably has lots of Public Enemy , and A Tribe Called Quest [Hip Hop groups from the 1990s] quotes in his head. He loves Hip Hop and Soul music. He probably listens to Bob Marley. That’s the kind of guy that he is in this movie and surrounding him are all these people from the future. And of course the future world that he lives in, is a kind of cold emotionless place where it’s incredibly efficient because everything is done by robots. But somehow it’s less human. It’s colder and more evil quite frankly because most of the people that he meets are probably evil, particularly the ones who works for big corporations because we know, don’t we, that big corporations are just evil.
Naturally evil. Just by definition, if it’s big and it’s corporate and it’s shiny and it’s not very human and yeah that kind of thing.
Then it’s evil, isn’t it? And also if it’s a robot and it’s very high technology, That’s also going to be evil too. Don’t ask me why, but it will be. And of course what we find is the Will Smith being this normal guy cop investigator, is investigating a murder. But it was a suicide actually. It turns out to be a murder and that’s right. It’s a murder at a robot factory and guess what? The robot is in the factory, they’re evil, that’s right. Why they’re evil? We don’t know. Why are robots in movies evil? No one really knows, but they are, aren’t they? Yeah because we should be frightened and scared of technology because we don’t really understand it. I mean most people don’t really understand technology. As far as I can tell, most of the IT specialists I meet, they don’t understand it either. Think about it. The last time you had a serious problem with your computer, did the IT guy really know what the problem was? He didn’t, really he didn’t! He sort of said, well I think it might be something to do with the server. What did that even mean? Nobody knows what’s going on. Technology, we’re probably a few years away from like ‘The Terminator’ or ‘The Matrix’ that that’s point in time where computers become so intelligent that they actually develop their own sense of survival and they think, oh right, okay, I’m a robot and I’m actually more intelligent than people. Now so obviously, what I have to do is become evil and kill all the people, kill all humans. Is that what’s going to happen? I don’t know but it could be. Why isn’t it that robots become good? You know the more intelligent they are, the more nice they are. That’s… Why doesn’t that happen in movies? Why don’t we get like robots who become super intelligent and say:’ Good morning Luke, would you like a cup of tea Luke?’ You know, that would be good. Wouldn’t it? If they realized that with all their super intelligence that basically all we want, all that’s good for the world is just cups of tea and cake and stuff. That’s the movie I wanna see. I wanna see a movie where Will Smith is in the future and he likes Bob Marley and he’s surrounded by high technology robots and they all just sort of do nice things for him. They kind of take his dog for a walk and they make him cups of tea and they clean his car. They just do nice things to each other. That would be … That’s good and that’s just as likely that happen as all the robots becoming evil. Isn’t it? Hm, maybe it’s not… maybe it’s not though because… Maybe what’s going to happen is that all this technology’s just going to make people more open to exploitation because we know from , don’t we … that from like history of the world. We don’t have a very good record of being nice to each other, do we? We don’t. Let’s face it. Maybe in the last few years we’ve been alright. But for hundreds or thousands of years people have been horrible to each other. They really have. Think of like slavery and stuff. You know like back in… when was it? Probably a few hundred years ago really. It’s, when started to travel around by ship and say, probably around the 17th century. That
kind of time when the British Empire you know was growing, we were really bad. We did some really bad things around the world. The British Empire, I mean you know, we were very good at doing it but we did some horrible things to people. Can I just apologize actually? If you’re a listener to, for example, if you’re in… hum, I don’t know, in India or Africa or some part of the world where the British kind of colonized and basically sort of destroyed your culture or maybe even like just took people from your country and turn them into slaves. Can I just apologize for that? Because that’s terrible. Obviously, it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do it. It wasn’t even like my
dad’s or my dad’s dad or my dad’s dad’s dad’s dad’s fault but somewhere down the line, people in this country did some pretty bad things to other people in other countries, just because we had more boats you know.. So sorry, sorry about that.
But just generally if you look at the past , you’ll see that people have done some pretty horrible things to each other and maybe that’s going to keep happening when technology allows people to take control over other people’s lives? Maybe we’ll just get another version of slavery again. I hope not !
I think it’s really really important that we have to be good to each other. At the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about. We just have to be nice to each other. We have to try to understand each other and be compassionate and be nice Actually I’m quite pleased that we’ve reached, that I’ve reached this part of the podcast where the conclusion, I guess, to this rambling stream of consciousness is that please, please…
PLEASE can we be nice to each other? Can we try to understand each other a little bit more? Let’s avoid the conflict, let’s avoid the war and the fighting. Let’s try to make the world a better place for each other. Can we please can we just try understand each other? Don’t try and, don’t blow each other up. It’s stupid! Be nice to each other ! Fighting and blowing people up and trying to rule the world doesn’t work. The only way it’ll work is if you understand that we’re all in it together. We’re all on this earth together, we all share the space. Let’s just try and make it easy. Can we please? Good !
It’s… and I have to say these things because all over the world, all the time people are fighting and they’re fighting for ridiculous reasons. I’m not going to mention any specific cases but I think you know what I’m talking about. People are fighting over their beliefs. You know when people believe so strongly in like… I don’t know, like a specific God or something they believe in it so strongly that they’re willing to actually kill and kill people’s children as a result of how strongly they believe in their God. That’s wrong. There’s something deeply wrong about that. We know that all the real, like religions and things… They all preach PEACE ! So waging war in the name of religion is complete nonsense and ridiculous. So STOP doing that please ! ! ! That would be nice. Yeah okay.
Wow, I’ve ended up talking about war and politics and killing children again. God, this is not the first time, I’ve ended up talking about that either. Now, let’s talk about something else. maybe we could talk about Ice Cream. That would be a good idea. Wouldn’t it? Yeah, so, Ice Cream, right? God,I love Ice Cream ! Isn’t it great? Ice Cream is a good invention. I don’t know who invented it. Wasn’t it Italians? I think it might been Italians. I don’t know, if it was them, but they certainly do it well and Ice Cream is a good thing. Let’s have more Ice Cream in the world !
I know that it’s kind of bad for your health but come on. Come on, so what? You know everything is bad for your health isn’t it? I mean we all going to die in the end. We might as well enjoy a little bit of Ice Cream before we go. You know what I mean? And it has some many flavours. You get vanilla of course. That’s like the default flavour for Ice Cream. Isn’t it? I wonder if that was the first flavour. Was that the first flavour for Ice Cream? I don’t know but it’s certainly a good
flavour. It’s the most successful flavor, isn’t it? Vanilla! It’s like standard.. It’s like you know, in terms of… let’s say paper, white paper. It’s like the white paper of Ice Cream, isn’t it? Vanilla… And then of course you’ve got like chocolate and coffee and strawberry and raspberry and I mean the list goes on. I mean, I don’t know if you have ever been to Rome? In Italy but you should go because it’s beautiful. It’s a fantastic place. Go to Rome and check out some of the Ice Cream they’ve got there. It’s brilliant. They’ve got like all kinds of stuff. In some places you get Ice Cream for all sorts of crazy flavours like bubble gum flavored Ice Cream and stuff like that. So let’s stop killing each other, let’s just buy each other Ice Cream and make this world a much better place.
I’m happy that that’s the conclusion of this episode of Luke’s English podcast. It’s all about Ice Cream. So if you… I’m going to name this episode… I think, I’m going to call it ‘THE ICE CREAM
Episode and if you have listened all the way to the end then you’ll understand why it’s called the Ice Cream episode.
That’s it from Luke’s English podcast. Forty five minutes!
Thank you, bye,bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye….

SOME BLOCKS OF LANGUAGE FROM THIS EPISODE:

…despite what you might have been led to believe…
…not to mention all the other companies…
…I can’t really be bothered to prepare something…
…I’m leaving it up to you. It’s up to you to do the language work…
…I’m not sitting on a sofa like a couch potato…
…I’ve had enough of all this leaning over…
…let’s keep it simple…
…there’s a strange pleasure in being given your purchase in a box over the counter. It feels like a secret transaction…

Here’s the Argos website (so you know what I’m talking about!) http://www.argos.co.uk/

;)