Category Archives: Ramble

227. Sausages, Barcodes & Apple Watches (A Rambling Episode)

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This is one of those episodes in which I set myself a 30 minute challenge. Can I talk for 30 minutes without pausing or repeating myself, and with absolutely nothing prepared in advance? Listen to the episode to find out. [Download]

Small Donate ButtonI’ve done this kind of episode before, for example on the Ice Cream Episode, in which I rambled on about whatever came into my head until eventually I ended up talking about how I wish everyone in the world could stop fighting and share some ice-cream instead (you may say I’m a dreamer – but I’m not the only one). That’s why I called it The Ice-Cream Episode.

This one is called “Sausages, Barcodes & Apple Watches” and you don’t have to be a genius to work out what came into my head while recording this episode. As well as these subjects I also touched upon the topics of: Evil cheese, a religion based on the hatred of pizza, and more…

Let me remind you again that this whole episode was recorded in a completely unplanned way, and my only conditions were that I had to just keep going without pausing, even when I had no idea what to say next, and that I wasn’t allowed to repeat myself at all. I came really close to failing this (admittedly pointless) task. In fact, maybe I did fail it. Ultimately, you the listener can decide if I failed or passed my mission.

The Missing Two Minutes of This Episode
About 2 minutes of this episode have been edited out because some members of my audience found the content to be offensive. Usually I don’t believe my episodes should be edited for causing offence, but in this case I’ve made an exception. If you’re wondering what I said, basically I expressed some scepticism regarding the fact that pork is banned in some religions. The last thing I want is to attract scorn from any religious groups. I don’t want to offend, and I don’t want to deal with the repercussions. So, in this instance I opted to edit out those 2 minutes.

What do you think? Did I fail this task? Does it really matter anyway?
[socialpoll id=”2228490″]

226. On a Boat (with Moz, Alex and Paul)

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aka “The Boat that Rocked” or “The Drunk Episode 2”. In this episode I spent the evening on a narrowboat on a canal in a part of North London known as Little Venice, with my friends Alex, Paul, Moz and Dave. Join us as we talk about life on a canal boat in London, the first jobs we ever had, answers to a few questions sent in by a long-term listener called Hiroshi, and explanations of various rude expressions and jokes which came up spontaneously during the conversation. Please be aware that this episode contains strong language, rude & explicit content and plenty of bad jokes. Right-click here to download.

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Introduction Transcript

Hello, this is a special introduction to this episode of Luke’s English Podcast.

Before you listen to the recording in this episode I would just like to warn you that this one contains material which you might find offensive, confusing or just plain stupid, including: failed attempts at humour, bad jokes, vague sexual innuendo, rude words, swearing, references to body parts, disgusting sound effects and general behaviour which would definitely be inappropriate in polite company. The conversation that you’re going to hear in this episode was recorded privately with friends, in a very informal setting. It is not suitable for children. It’s not really suitable for intelligent adults either to be honest. I present it here with great reservation, against my better judgement and with the understanding that some of you may find it purile, unamusing, difficult to understand, offensive or just plain unnecessary, and that publishing this episode may cause you to abandon Luke’s English Podcast, throw your phone into a lake, or even spit onto the ground in pure disgust.

However, despite my reservations to that effect, I also realise there is probably a certain section of my audience who love a bit of filth, and who would like nothing better than to listen in on a conversation between some English friends amusing themselves by talking ‘crap’ together over a few beers. In fact, I publish this conversation with those members of my audience in mind. Are you bored of listening to ‘safe’ English which has had all the rudeness removed from it? Are you fed up with being taught only the ‘nice’ English which you are supposed to speak, but which you suspect no native speakers actually use in their private lives? Do you ever have the lingering feeling that native English speakers present a ‘clean’ version of their language to you in lessons, but in private they speak a rather different form of the language – one that involves plenty of inappropriate and immature dirty jokes? Would you like to have the chance to sit with some Londoners on a canal boat while they drink beer and talk nonsense, without regard for the normal polite conventions of a language classroom or a business meeting? Well, if that’s what you want, then all you have to do is keep listening to this episode of Luke’s English Podcast which was recorded several weeks ago on a canal boat in North London, with a group of slightly drunk idiots. Idiots who I am proud to call my friends, and the group which I happily consider myself a member. Welcome to Luke’s English Podcast…

Vocabulary List & Extracts  (thanks to Jack from the comment section)

Vague
Innuendo
Against my better judgement
Some of you may find it puerile
However, despite my reservations to that effect……
Who would like nothing better than to listen in on a conversation……
I’ve done episodes in an apartment.
I’m doing an episode on a boat.
A canal narrow boat.
How do you want me to elaborate?
I’ve taken up running
Just jogging around a lake.
Just purely pragmatic.
The water levels have receded.
We now know exactly what Paul intended to do when he left the boat.
I suppose it’s a good thing he did leave.
The thing about a fart is that it comes from two angles, it’s like a double punch!
If you farted continuously for 6 years and 9 months you’d produce enough energy to create an atomic bomb!
I speak for the listeners as well.
Dave’s boat is moored.
A bollard.
We are getting more and more suggestive.
Innuendo
You are ducking the question.
Are we going to explain euphemisms?
English is a non inflicted Indo-European language.
That was frank and clear language.
It goes down into a sewer.
Anyone who has turned up on a boat….
I’m not so tight.
I’m of Irish stock.
You are in safe hands now.
You all are my bitches (extremely rude, meaning : I own all of you)
The boat just rocked.
Mr. Langton came down from the gunnels onto the bow and he’s coming into the cabin and that rocked the cabin quite heavily to the right. (17:00)
Tsunami
I’m a posh brummie
I’m a scumbag.
You are a proper brummie.
No-one nicked me (my) car!
I’m quite cultured.
Another example of a euphemism
Loaded with euphemisms.
He hasn’t got hairy feet.
Because I can see he has got Stroud T-shirt on. (21:17)
I bet you could drive a tractor.
I’m not babbling like a baby.
We are thundering into a forest now.
You’ve to keep rowing. (25:00)
Curtains are the things you put over a window to keep the light out.
It’s a fireplace.
Give us a sales pitch for this boat.
Prime sales pitch
This is a very tidy boat indeed.
The proud owner doesn’t know because he has had it for that long.
Lovely tiled fireplace.
Wicker basket.
They are particularly nice.
The last time you were on this podcast….
I bought a flat in London for £215,000 which is a rip off.
…..I own a 50 foot boat which is wood panelled……
Canal stretches through large parts of London.
The great thing about London is that : If you have got a canal boat you can kind of live where ever you want to live as long as you are there for like 14 days and then there is a stipulation that you have got to move on.
I’m moving myself across London kind of like itinerant but with like a big boat.
How does it feel to be cut off like this?
You can’t avoid knowing who Barack Obama is!
I’ve kind of lost the thread here….
I haven’t had my telly on since the last Top Gear.
I walked past the BBC this week…..
If you see your news of what’s going on from other places – I think you are better off.
Cargo containing boat.
And people got whiplash.
This news has been covered in London.
Moorhen, wader, swans.
There was a Turkish man who beheaded a swan.
Mute swans.
Grunting noise.
When they take off.
There’s always someone who pipes up……
Just go to the door, onto the back…..(of the boat)
In a perpetual state of……
Walrus, seal.
You are like a windscreen wiper on a car, sprays out…….
I expect that my listeners are not able to pick up on every little rude joke.
Paul or Dave says : Luke spawns like a blue whale.
……Very rude, very unsophisticated but this the way to let off some steam.
Bespoke specially designed questions for you.
Curve ball
You could do with a little bit of grooming.
Liverpudlian
Luke is a man of refinery when it comes to accents.
Radio conditions please.
He said something that was derogatory in nature.
Don’t dwell on it…..
The BBC is slowly being dismantled.
A chemistry assistant
A shoe shine boy.
They paid me in liquorice, hard liquourice.
A local rag (local newspaper)
Broadsheets, tabloids.
I bet you had to ride a long distance because it was in the countryside.
You’ve definitely got something important to bring to the table.
I was working as a shelf stacker.
Tin foods
Tuna
Can I make an interesting observation here?
I worked for the BBC in compliance.
Index finger
I used to edit out programs.
Parapets
Dave has just come back into the room he went out to get a couple of bottles of local beer.
It could well be…..
We need to draw things to a close
And we’ve got to think what we are going to put out there for you.
We’ve achieved less than nothing.
I’m little bit more coherent this time.
I need to wind down the podcast now.
Paul Langton : I appreciate you for listening to the podcast (Luke screams : LUKE’S ENGLISH PODCAST)
I’m just cocker hoop about every thing.
I would like to thank Hiroshi for providing such insightful questions.
On that bombshell it’s time to end the podcast.
Everyone is looking a bit sheepish.

Moz : Luke was coming over from France and I offered him a place on the boat to say but unfortunately Luke Johnson likes to take 15 showers a week minimum.

Paul : Does he need them?

Moz: Well actually, if you look at Luke that’s not his real skin that’s actually…. His skin’s stripped off – That is a wet suit. And basically he kind of lives in a perpetual state of moisture.

Luke: that’s very interesting assessment there that you have presented for me Moz. Which could quite possibly be on the internet for ever now; for every one to access. If they want to find out all about me they could listen to this and they would listen to your description. Someone might write that in fact as a transcript. Someone might be listening to this and transcribing every word and they are gonna write that down.

Dave: Genesis had a track called The Slipper Man, which I’m picturing now. I always thought about slipper man as somebody wet skinned like a walrus or a seal.

Luke: Really? So you are saying I’m a walrus or a seal!

Alex: Or you might be the eggman.

 

223. YEP! Competition Winners

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YEP Competition Results, news and some rambling about mosquitoes and TV documentaries about ghosts. Right-click here to download.

Small Donate ButtonWelcome back to Luke’s English Podcast. Over the course of this episode you are going to find out the results of the YEP Competition which I launched this summer.

In case you’ve forgotten the details, or you’ve been living under a rock for the last two months, here is a re-cap of has happened so far in the competition. I launched it in August as a way to celebrate the 5th birthday and 200 episodes of LEP. I thought – it’s time for another competition! So I did a bit of planning and scheming, and came up with the idea of “Your English Podcast”, which I launched in episode 200. I invited listeners to send me up to 5 minutes of audio, as if they were recording a portion of their own English podcast. I had no idea how many people would enter but in the end I got about 80 recordings. Then I realised, “oh my goodness, that’s about 8 hours of podcast time! What am I going to do?” In the end I just broadcast them all, in a mini-series entitled Your English Podcast. If you’ve managed to listen to them all you’ll have heard people from around the world telling us about themselves. There was a range of different voices from different parts of the globe and personally I found it quite inspiring and even touching to listen to. Admittedly it was quite a long series and you may have struggled to keep up with it all. In fact, you might have just skipped them entirely – that’s your choice, it’s a free country (depending on which country you’re in) but when it comes to LEP you’re free to do whatever you want and that includes skipping over the YEP episodes if you choose to, although I hope that you didn’t do that because I think there’s plenty of value in hearing non-native speakers speaking English from time to time, and anyway, it was an international celebration! After uploading all the competition entries my website exploded with comments & votes, which suggests that the competition was a bit of a hit with most people. Voting ended at the end of last month, leaving me with a bit of counting to do. I’ve done that, and now it’s time to publish the results, and that’s what you’re going to get in this episode.
– Winners of each group
– The numbers of votes cast
– The overall winner of the whole competition
– What’s going to happen next?
– Some general news

The first thing I’d like to say is that everyone’s a winner.
I know this is a competition, and therefore there have to be winners and losers, but for me it’s like cricket – it’s not the winning, it’s the taking part, and I think everyone took part magnificently.
Well done for plucking up the courage to enter in the first place.
I’m really impressed by everyone and it’s actually really touching to hear from you all. It brings home to me the fact there are loads of actual human beings listening to my words, and engaging with my episodes.
I’m also really impressed by the number of votes cast. 666 votes in total! (This means absolutely nothing) That’s an average of about 85 votes per episode.

Here are the results for each group (in ascending order):
Episode 1
9th place: Arturo from Mexico & Ashish from India – 0 votes – Chin up guys ;)
7th place: Artur from Kazakstan & Alexis from Canary Islands – 1 vote
6th place: Adam from Poland – 4 votes
5th place: Bella from Russia – 5 votes
4th place: Bruno from Brazil – 10 votes
3rd place: Alexander from Russia – 21 votes
2nd place: Anna from Ukraine – 24 votes
1ST PLACE: ARITZ FROM SPAIN – 26 VOTES – Congratulations Aritz!

listen to ‘Aritz from Spain – YEP! Competition Entry’ on audioBoom

Episode 2
9th place: Dega from Mexico & Eliza from Finland – 0 votes – No worries Dega, and Eliza wasn’t taking part anyway so no hard feelings ;)
7th place: Dmitry from Russia & Charley from Sri Lanka – 1 vote
6th place: Daniel from Poland – 2 votes
5th place: Chriss from Mexico – 3 votes
3rd place: Daniele from Italy & Dharmendra from India – 5 votes
2nd place: Edgar from Brazil – 6 votes
1ST PLACE: EDGAR FROM MEXICO – 100 votes – It’s a landslide victory!

listen to ‘Edgar from Mexico – YEP! Competition Entry’ on audioBoom

Episode 3
8th place: Enrique from Spain, Gerald from France/Belgium & Gudu from Ethiopia – 0 votes – commiserations guys!
6th place: Evgeny from Russia & Gabriella from Italy – 1 vote each
5th place: Gabriela from Brazil – 5 votes
4th place: Eugenia from Romania – 7 votes
3rd place: Gabor from Hungary – 9 votes
2nd place: Guillaume from Switzerland – 10 votes
1ST PLACE: GIOVANNI FROM ITALY – 33 votes – congratulations!

listen to ‘Giovanni from Italy – YEP! Competition Entry’ on audioBoom

Episode 4
10th place: Irul from Indonesia – 0 votes – You’re still awesome Irul!
8th place: Harvey from Colombia & Hydy from India – 1 vote each
6th place: Hien from Vietnam & Irina from Russia – 3 votes each
4th place: Hiroshi from Japan & Ivan from Russia – 4 votes each
3rd place: Ivan from Indonesia – 20 votes
2nd place: Hamid from Pakistan – 26 votes
1ST PLACE: JAVIER FROM SPAIN – 35 votes – Well done!

listen to ‘Javier from Spain (+kids) – YEP! Competition Entry’ on audioBoom

Episode 5
10th place: Jiang from China – 0 votes – sorry mate!
9th place: June from Korea – 2 votes
7th place: Jose from Chile & Krissy from Germany – 3 votes
6th place: Luciana from Brazil – 4 votes
5th place: Klenisson from Brazil – 5 votes
4th place: Konstantin from Russia – 7 votes
3rd place: Lulu from Taiwan – 8 votes
2nd place: Ksenia from Russia – 11 votes
1ST PLACE: KEVSER FROM TURKEY – 32 votes – well done, you smashed it!

listen to ‘Kevser from Turkey’ on audioBoom

Episode 6
9th place: Olga from Russia & Pavel from Russia – 0 votes – don’t let it bring you down!
8th place: Morela from Italy – 1 vote
6th place: Mario from Italy & Nacho from Spain – 3 votes
5th place: Magda from Poland – 4 votes
4th place: Pedro from Peru – 8 votes
3rd place: Nikolai from Russia – 13 votes
2nd place: Oleksander from Ukraine/Denmark – 21 votes
1ST PLACE: MAX FROM ITALY – 38 – give yourself a pat on the back!

listen to ‘Max from Italy’ on audioBoom

Episode 7
9th place: Poom from Thailand & Shaimaa from Egypt – 0 votes – better luck next time guys!
8th place: Terry from Hong Kong – 1 vote
6th place: Tomas from Germany & Renata from Russia – 2 votes each [Renata from Russia – I’m so sorry for not mentioning your name in this episode! Please forgive me!]
5th place: Renato from Brazil – 4 votes
4th place: Ventakesh from India – 5 votes
3rd place: Sergey from Russia – 7 votes
2nd place: Sasha from Russia – 26 votes
1ST PLACE: PHIL FROM ITALY – 42 votes – it’s a runaway victory!

listen to ‘Phil from Italy’ on audioBoom

Episode 8
5th place: Yuri from Brazil – 3 votes
4th place: Wilkson from Brazil – 4 votes
3rd place: Yaron from Israel – 6 votes
2nd place: Yayang from Indonesia – 12 votes
1ST PLACE: YANNICK FROM SWITZERLAND – 13 votes – Congrat-YOU-lations!

listen to ‘Yannick from Switzerland’ on audioBoom

Let’s not forget: Zdenek from Czech Rep. (not competing) and Alex from Russia – 2 votes (but he was too late I’m afraid)

WINNERS’ GROUP
8th place: Yannick from Switzerland – 13 votes
7th place: Aritz from Spain – 26 votes
6th place: Kevser from Turkey – 32 votes
5th place: Giovanni from Italy – 33 votes
4th place: Javier from Spain – 35 votes
3rd place: Max from Italy – 38 votes
2nd place: Phil from Italy – 42 votes
1ST PLACE: EDGAR FROM MEXICO – 100 votes

What’s the Next Step?
I’ll speak to each runner-up for up to 10 minutes.
The winner gets up to 30 minutes.
Winners – I’ll contact you by email to arrange a time for a conversation.
Eventually, when I’ve recorded all the conversations I’ll publish them in a couple of episodes.
So – winners, check your inboxes and start thinking about things you might like to say to the people of the world.
Listeners – feel free to write questions in comments. I’ll be glad to ask your questions to our winners.

Remember – it’s not really about winning or losing. Everyone’s a winner in my book!

My Dad listened to the competition episodes and he was quite moved by it! I’m quite proud because he sent me this email.

A Message from my Dad:

Dear Luke,

I have just spent the past hour listening to your latest episode of YEP, featuring contributions from listeners from Brazil, Switzerland, Russia, Indonesia etc. It is truly INCREDIBLE that you have created this international community. Yes it’s a fan club, but it is much more than that. The listeners clearly use it as an English learning resource, and the idea of entertaining while educating works well. But it is also an international society, where peace and understanding is a theme.

I think your podcasts – 5 years on – are really terrific, and I hope that your two jobs and everything else will not prevent you from keeping the service going. Well done you!!

Dad

That’s nice, isn’t it. It’s always quite satisfying to get some validation from your old man. (By the way – in case you were wondering, it’s quite normal for a son to call his father his “old man” and it’s not an insult – in fact, it’s quite a familiar and informal way to refer to your Dad)

Possible Controversy
There might be a little bit of controversy following the release of these results. There normally is a bit of disagreement related to this kind of thing, and it’s to be expected. Here are some of the things I expect might arise:
– Someone might demand a recount. If you believe I’ve miscounted the votes, then feel free to count all the votes again if you’ve got the time! Then you can leave a message with an appeal for a recount. It may be possible that I’ve miscounted by one vote here or there, so I don’t think it will make a huge difference to the final results.
–
If you would like to appeal and demand a re-count, go ahead!
I will take any controversy with a pinch of salt.

In Other News
The academic year has started again and I have rather a busy schedule. In fact, I should be planning my classes now, not doing this. I’ve got kids classes and everything. I’m a bit stressed about this. I shouldn’t be, but I just keep remembering my stressful experiences teaching children in Japan, but that was over 10 years ago at the beginning of my career. Anyway, one thing’s for sure, I’m going to be even busier this year.
This may affect the frequency with which I can upload episodes, which is a bit frustrating. Of course, I have loads of ideas up my sleeve and I do not plan to stop. If I go a bit quiet – you’ll know why. I’m just dealing with a workload. Oh yes, and I’ve got a wedding to prepare in July as well!

I got bitten by a mosquito two nights running. That was annoying. What happens to mosquitoes in the winter? Click here for the answer to that question: Mosquitoes in the Cold. (Thank you to LEPPER Fafi Gutierrez)

Audioboo has become Audioboom. As far as I can see it’s just an image makeover, with a new logo, but the actual service is pretty much the same with a few small improvements. They have a new app on the App Store. At the moment it’s just for iPhone. It’s a much better app than before, but I haven’t used it much. Anyway, I’ll now be calling it Audioboom not Audioboo.

There’s an issue with my RSS feed. They have a limit of 200 items. I have more than that. So, on iTunes some of the early episodes do not show up, which is annoying. If you’re new to the podcast – go to teacherluke.co.uk to find a full archive of all the older episodes.

The podcast has been listened to over 2,000,000 times since I moved to Audioboom about 10 months ago.
That seems incredible – but let’s consider that number at bit more carefully.
I have over 200 episodes on Audioboom, so on average that’s about 10,000 listens per episode. It’s not that many listens compared to some teachers on YouTube. Perhaps I should be on YouTube, because there’s a much bigger audience there. But, this is an audio podcast, not a video one. I’ve said before that I prefer audio, at the moment. Audio is more flexible – you can listen to it anywhere, even while you’re doing something else. It’s quite intimate and I feel like it’s good for the brain because it allows you to picture in your mind’s eye what I’m explaining, without being captivated by visual stimulus. Also, I love radio and I feel there’s a certain romance and intimacy in radio. Also, it is much easier and less time-consuming for me to make audio podcasts. So, with a busy schedule – audio is the best way. For now, those YouTube teachers will get more views than me, but here I am, rocking the airwaves, doing my thing on the podcast, with my awesome clan of listeners. And, 2m listens in a year is really rather a big deal. As I’ve said before though, I feel like this is just the beginning of what I can achieve. I intend to do more with this thing I’ve got going on here.

Going back to that 2m listens statistic – the other thing that I don’t know is how many of those are people who are fully engaged from the start to the end of each episode. I expect there are a lot of people who are subscribed to me on iTunes, and their computer downloads the episodes automatically, but they’re not actually listening. Those will still count as ‘listens’ in my stats. Also, some of those numbers will be people who listen a little bit before deciding that they don’t want to listen any more. So, I don’t know how many are complete listens and incomplete listens.

Well, those of you who listen to every episode from start to finish – you know who you are. You’re the LEPPERS, and you’re an awesome gang of ninjas, who abide by the code of LEP. I don’t know what that code is to be honest, because I’ve never written it down. I think it’s an unspoken code of secret principles based on a love of ice-cream, English, stand-up comedy and dub reggae. Something like that.

You can’t please all the people all the time, so sometimes the only person I can please is myself. As long as I’m happy doing this then I’ll have a sense that my audience can be happy with it too.

Small Donate ButtonThank you for taking part in this competition. It’s been amazing. Thank you for your entries, for all your votes, and for your support. Thank you in particular if you have recently donated to the podcast. You are personally keeping this podcast going. Without donations I can’t justify doing it. 5 years of my life have gone into this. It would be awful if I realise one day that the whole thing has been a waste of my time and I’ve neglected my career or other aspects of my life because I’ve thrown so much energy into LEP. Do help to prevent that from happening by offering a donation to pay me back for my hard work. As a business model, that’s the best I can do right now. If you don’t want to do that, or can’t – no worries! There’s no obligation, but do consider where all this stuff is coming from – a lot of the time that’s the bottom of my heart.

Ok, that’s enough of that!

BE EXCELLENT TO ONE ANOTHER AND PARTY ON!!!

222. Luke’s Late Night Podcast (Music Mix)

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Take a musical trip through Luke’s hard-drive, in the middle of the night. Right-click here to download this episode.

Small Donate ButtonLate one night recently, I decided to record a podcast while randomly picking some pieces of music from my hard-drive and talking to you at the same time. This is the result.

There’s no language agenda in this episode in particular. It’s just me talking to you about various things while interspersing the episode with some music and other bits and pieces from my hard-drive.

Any music or other content in this episode is presented for educational purposes as part of my effort to aid people in their learning of English and culture.

Below you can read lyrics of some songs from this episode if you’d like to read to check your listening comprehension or pick up vocabulary.

Thanks for listening.

p.s. Competition Update: Voting closes this evening, and then I will count votes and eventually publish an episode with the names of the winner(s). Thanks for voting!

Song Lyrics

Arctic Monkeys – “Mardy Bum”
Buy “Mardy Bum” on iTunes here.
Well, now then Mardy Bum
I’ve seen your frown
And it’s like looking down the barrel of a gun
And it goes off
And out come all these words
Oh there’s a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer

It’s one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it’s right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you’re all argumentative
And you’ve got that face on

Well, now then Mardy Bum
Oh I’m in trouble again, aren’t I?
I thought as much
‘Cause you turned over there
Pulling that silent disappointment face
The one that I can’t bear

Well, can’t we just laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it’s right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you’re all argumentative
And you’ve got that face on

Yeah I’m sorry I was late
But I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can’t be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs, oh when you say I don’t care
But of course I do, yeah I clearly do!

So laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it’s right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you’re all argumentative
And you’ve got that face on

Black Sabbath – “The Wizard”
Buy “The Wizard on iTunes here.
Misty morning, clouds in the sky
Without warning, the wizard walks by
Casting his shadow, weaving his spell
Funny clothes, tinkling bell

Never talking
Just keeps walking
spreading his magic

Evil power disappears
Demons worry when the wizard is near
He turns tears into joy
Everyone’s happy when the wizard walks by

Never talking
Just keeps walking
spreading his magic

Sun is shining, clouds have gone by
All the people give a happy sigh
He has passed by, giving his sign
Left all the people feeling so fine

Never talking
Just keeps walking
spreading his magic

Charles Bukowski – “The Life of the King”
Unfortunately I can’t find the lyrics to this, but here is a video featuring Bukowski reading his poem “The Life of the King”, if you’d like to listen to it again.

Curtis Mayfield – “Pusherman”
Buy “Pusherman” in iTunes here.
I’m your mama, I’m your daddy,
I’m that nigga in the alley.
I’m your doctor when in need.
Want some coke? Have some weed.
You know me, I’m your friend,
Your main boy, thick and thin.
I’m your pusherman.

Ain’t I clean, bad machine
Super cool, super mean
Dealin’ good, for The Man.
Superfly, here I stand.
Secret stash, heavy bread,
Baddest bitches in the bed,
I’m your pusherman

Silent life of crime
A man of odd circumstance,
A victim of ghetto demands.
Feed me money for style
And I’ll let you trip for a while.
Insecure from the past,
How long can a good thing last?
No, no, no

Got to be mellow, y’all
Got to get mellow, now
Pusherman gettin’ mellow, y’all

Heavy mind, every sign
Makin’ money all the time
My LD and just me
For all junkies to see
Ghetto Prince is my thing
Makin’ love’s how I swing
I’m your pusherman

Two bags, please
For a generous fee
Make your world what you want it to be
Got a woman I love desperately
Wanna give her somethin’ better than me
Been told I can’t be nuthin’ else
Just a hustler in spite of myself
I know I can break it
This life just don’t make it
Lord, Lord, yeah

Got to get mellow, now
Gotta be mellow, y’all
Got to get mellow, now

I’m your mama, I’m your daddy,
I’m that nigga in the alley.
I’m your doctor when in need.
Want some coke? Have some weed.
You know me, I’m your friend,
Your main boy, thick and thin.
I’m your pusherman.
I’m your pusherman.
I’m your pusherman.
I’m your pusherman.
Lord, Lord

Victor Wooten – “Music as a Language” Click here for a version with subtitles.

206. Summer in London (Part 2)

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Hi and welcome back to this special episode of LEP in which you join me on a walk through central London. [Download]

Small Donate ButtonLet’s re-cap on what happened in part 1. (ooh the excitement)
– I recorded this last week when I was on holiday staying at a friend’s flat in Stockwell
– I needed to go into town to visit the doctor’s for a couple of immunisation injections before going on holiday to Indonesia
– I decided to take a nice walking route to the doctors, from Victoria Underground Station, in front of Buckingham Palace, past some Royal Guards and a guy selling skunk, past some ducks, joggers & tourists, across the mall and up towards Picadilly Circus.
– We ended part one with me walking up Haymarket, towards Picadilly Circus in order to get some lunch & coffee in Soho before heading towards Wimpole Street near Oxford Circus for my jabs.
– As I said on the previous episode, London is a very noisy city so I really apologise for any background noise which makes it hard for you to hear what I’m saying. I hope you it doesn’t stop you from enjoying this trip through central London on a hot summer day.

In this episode I’ll take you through some touristy areas, some cool spots, and we’ll also investigate some of the more seedy parts of central London that you might not notice as a tourist.

Let’s go!

Music: “Day on the Town” by Madness. Click here to download it on iTunes.
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205. Summer in London (Part 1)

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Hello everyone! Welcome to another episode. This one was recorded last week when I was on holiday in London, and in this episode you can listen to me walking through central London and talking to you along the way. I really enjoyed recording this episode and I think you’re going to enjoy listening to it too because it’ll be like you’re actually there with me, strolling around some of my favourite parts of town, hearing all the sounds of London around you as we go. I think it’s going to be great, but before we start I’d just like to mention a couple of things as a preface to the episode. [Right-click here to download]

Small Donate ButtonLondon can be a noisy place and so, unfortunately, a lot of the recording I made on this day was not completely clear enough to broadcast because my voice got a bit drowned out by atmospheric noise. You might find that some of it is a little bit difficult to hear, and in fact I had to completely edit out large sections of the episode because the noise level was just too high. When I listened back to some of it, I was quite annoyed to discover that the sound of busses, cars, trains and wind made it quite difficult to hear my voice clearly. I’ve managed to edit out some of the bad bits, and explain the missing content by talking to you here in post-production, but some of the remaining parts might still be a little difficult to hear. If you do find some of this too noisy to listen to then I’m sorry and I understand, but I still hope it’s possible for you to follow almost all of what I’m saying.

I really wanted to upload this episode despite the noise. I think it will be quite an interesting one, as you can take a personal trip with me through some of my favourite parts of central London and I expect that most of you are probably not bothered by the noise and are happy to join my on a walk. I love London and I’m proud to present it to you, even in audio form, and I think this episode can give you quite a real feeling of actually being there with me. It would be a pity to waste the several hours of talking that I recorded just because some people would not tolerate the noise. So, I’ve decided to just upload it anyway, even if the audio quality is not perfect.

I know what most of you are thinking – it’s fine Luke, it doesn’t matter! Don’t worry about it! I appreciate that. But for those of you who are sensitive to a bit of background noise I just want to say – I know this episode is a bit noisy – but that’s just London for you! It’s a noisy place! I suggest you write a letter to London’s mayor Boris Johnson to complain!

“Dear Mr Johnson,

Recently while listening to an award-winning podcast by Luke Thompson (I’m sure you know it) I was saddened to discover that parts of the episode were inaudible due to frankly unacceptable levels of noise caused by London’s busses and traffic. So, I am writing this letter in order to complain about this matter, and suggest in the strongest possible terms that you do something about it! Maybe introduce a noise-tax, or simply ban busses and taxis from operating within central London. I appreciate that businesses and services need to operate with vehicles, but this simply cannot be allowed to interrupt our enjoyment of Luke’s English Podcast.

Yours sincerely,

L.E. Pepper
The Republic of Freedonia”

OK, I realise I’m going a bit too far, it’s not that big an issue really. In fact, you could say I’m “making a mountain out of a molehill” or “stretching it out of all proportion”. I’m “going overboard”… yes it’s all a bit “over the top” now isn’t it. Alright, that’s enough, I don’t want to “over egg the pudding” by talking about noise levels too much, so it’s time to get on with this episode, so join me now as we go back in time, all the way to last week, on a trip into central London…

Music: “London Town” by Light of the World – Download it from iTunes here.

First gap:
So, I left the flat in bright, warm sunshine and walked towards the tube station, crossing the street at a busy junction in Stockwell, near Brixton, just south of the river. Some people say it’s quite a rough area, I personally think it’s okay. In fact at that time of day there were a couple of homeless people around, an alcoholic-looking guy stumbled out of a betting shop, but generally the area’s okay. In fact, it’s got good transport connections to central London and the rent is not too high. So I crossed the street and walked to Stockwell Underground Station and I stopped to look at a mural on the wall of the station. It’s the picture of Jean Charles De Menezes, a Brazilian man who was tragically and wrongfully killed by police who thought he was a terrorist, back in 2005…

2nd gap:
I left Victoria Station and walked along Buckingham Palace road. Along that road there is a wall, and on the other side of the wall is the garden of Buckingham Palace. You can’t get in there, so you just have to wonder what it looks like. I imagine it’s a beautiful and well kept garden. There are parks in front of the palace – St James’s Park and Green Park and of course the public are allowed to go everywhere they want in those parks, and walk or like down on the grass. There’s a pond with ducks, swans, geese and even pelicans which are large birds that you normally find near the sea – they have huge beaks that can carry loads of fish. A while ago there was a video going around on YouTube of a pelican actually eating a pigeon in St James’ Park!

I walked along Buckingham Palace road next to the palace gardens, as I said, and that’s next to a busy main road, and the noise was a bit too much. I talked about what it must be like being the Queen (I expect it’s a lot of hard work actually, it might be a bit lonely although she lives in luxury, she might be very strict on her children & grandchildren, and very controlling), which I have talked about on the podcast before. I wonder about her sense of humour, and what she’s really like.

I also spoke about the Queen’s power, how our democratic monarchy works and the difference between having a president and a monarch. Unfortunately, a lot of this was drowned out by the sound of traffic, so I’ll try and sum up what I said.

People sometimes wonder about why we have a Queen & a royal family in the UK, and also suggest that it might be better to have a republic instead. It might look like an old feudal system – a kind of medieval system in which the Queen has a covenant with god. What is this game of Thrones? But if you disregard the craziness of monarchy, you can just see it for what it is. It’s a slightly strange system, which works pretty well for the UK.

Without wishing to criticise republicanism (it works fine in plenty of other countries), in the UK democratic monarchy seems to work for us quite well. In a republic, such as USA or France, the president has an executive and representative function. He leads the country and also represents the country in state ceremonies, and as the figurehead of the nation. It’s an incredibly important role. That can lead to some issues. People want to look up to the president, and celebrate him/her as he/she represents their nation, and yet the president also has a responsibility to run the country, and answer to the wishes of his citizens. People shouldn’t be too deferential to the president because ultimately he’s a civil servant who works for the people. Sure, we can respect the president if he does a good job, but often people want a figurehead who is above the political system. In the UK the responsibilities are split between the monarch and the PM. The PM runs the country, and the Queen just ‘represents’. They do have tea once a week, so she has an audience with the PM, she does have minimal powers which she doesn’t use. So Brits can celebrate the Queen as head of state, knowing that she doesn’t have any decision making power and that she doesn’t express a political preference, and then we’re free to criticise our Prime Minister without having to be overly deferential towards him. His job is to run the country. We shouldn’t lift him up to the position of someone super special. He works for us. The Queen’s job is to give us a focal point for national pride without letting political views get in the way. So, that’s how we can celebrate the Queen without it affecting the way our country is run. Hopefully. It’s a very complex issue with all kinds of opinions regarding the pros and cons of having a royal family. I’ve dealt with it before on the podcast, in episode 103. “The Queen & The Royal Family” (featuring EnglishRobot4000).

187. World Cup 2014 (Part 1: The Basic Guide)

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Lots of people want me to talk about the World Cup, so here we go! This is the first in a series of episodes about World Cup 2014. We start with a general look at the tournament, the groups and the teams. Consider this to be your basic guide to World Cup 2014. Right-click here to download this episode.

I have been preparing podcasts on other things lately but that must stop because nothing else can happen at this moment – why? Because it’s the World Cup. You may have noticed. I think there is a law going round that 75% of anything must be about the world cup. That’s conversations, television, radio, newspaper articles, commercials, food, pets, weather, geography, elephants, whatever. It has to be connected to the World Cup in some way. It’s just an unwritten global law. If I talk about anything else on the podcast at this time, there’s a danger it will go in one ear and out of the other, there is only The World Cup! So, it has to be dealt with. So LET’S DO THIS. Let’s talk about THE WORLD CUP!

Don’t think that I’m reluctant to talk about it. I’m not. I love football. I really love the World Cup – well, most of it. There are some things that I don’t like about it, and we’ll come to that stuff later. I’m not reluctant to talk about it by any means, it’s just that it’s a pretty massive topic and I’ve been wondering how to cover it properly. I’ve decided that I’ll just ramble on about it and do my best to make it accurate and well-informed. Please be aware that I’m an English-teacher-podcaster-comedian-musician but not necessarily an expert on the world of international football, but I will do my best to talk about football with the level of knowledge and expertise that you might expect from most ordinary people in the UK. I have a normal level of knowledge of this subject. So, it’s a bit like talking to a guy in a pub about it, or chatting to a guy who you know at work or school, just like the sort of conversation you’re likely to have in the real world. It’s pretty rare that you get to talk to a football journalist isn’t it? Yes it is, unless you’re married to one or something.

Other World Cup podcasts you could listen to:
The Guardian Football Weekly Podcast (Very in-depth and well-made, but not produced with learners of English in mind.)
Languagecaster.com Lots of stuff about learning English via football here, including some podcasts. Have a look.
British Council Premier Skills English. Loads of resources to learn English associated with football.
Luke’s English Podcast – English Premier League Football.
Future episodes of LEP. I expect I’ll be talking more about the World Cup in the next couple of weeks, and this episode might be separated into several parts. Also, I’ll make a podcast with your comments too.

If you’re not a football fan, well, in this episode you’ll have to just enjoy the words that are coming out of my mouth, without getting too carried away by the general subject matter. I will be looking at both sides in this podcast, and there will be some general criticism of football and the World Cup later on in this episode (or in part 2 if it’s necessary to divide it into two).

It’s one week into the competition. I’m going to talk about how it’s going so far. It’s hard to make any big statements at this moment, because it could all change. By the time you listen to it, everything could be different. I realise that. Anyway, let’s talk football.

Here’s what I’m going to deal with in this episode. I’m planning another one very soon in which I will respond to comments which some of you have left in my forum. You can read that forum thread by clicking here: Luke’s World Cup Comments Forum Thread.

Contents
1. What does the World Cup mean to me?
2. What’s the situation at this time? Who looks strong? What’s going on? The Basic Guide to World Cup 2014.
3. Focus on England
4. Changes to the rules
5. The dark side of the World Cup
6. A brief History of The World Cup

1. What does the World Cup mean to me?
It’s an international celebration. It’s great fun to get caught up in the excitement. It brings people together. It’s a time when we forget our differences and let problems get settled on the football pitch. It’s also nice to see all the hot girls from around the world on TV sometimes. On the more serious side, the World Cup is becoming more and more controversial, basically because of FIFA and the allegations of corruption, and the civil unrest in Brazil around their hosting of the competition. More on that later. Right now, let’s focus on the football, and leave the politics until later.
My world cup story.
Meeting Rai de Oliveira. (Name dropping) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ra%C3%AD

2. Who looks like they could win at this stage?
Let’s look at the groups. To help me here, I am quoting from a very useful article on Slate.com called “How to Fake Your Way Through the Tournament Like a Champ”, which is a kind of dummy’s guide to The World Cup 2014. If you don’t know a lot about the World Cup, this might help you. Since the article was written, some things have changed, and are still changing now as games are being played every day, but it will give you a good idea of the context at this stage.

Now listen to part 2 of this World Cup episode!

175. The Phrasal Verb Chronicles #1

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This is both a phrasal verb review, and a random made-up story. 50 phrasal verbs reviewed within the context of a completely improvised comedy story. Click here for The Phrasal Verb Chronicles #2.

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I decided to do this episode as a way to remind you of the first 50 phrasal verbs I’ve taught you in my Phrasal Verb a Day series of mini-episodes. When I’ve reached 100 phrasal verb episodes, I’ll do another episode of The Phrasal Verb Chronicles, to help you remember #51-100.

Here are the phrasal verbs I use in this episode. Can you notice how I use them in my weird story? You could also attempt to make up your own story using these phrasal verbs. You don’t have to do all 50. Try just using 5, then 10, then 20 and so on. Eventually you should be able to make meaningful sentences using all the phrases.

I wonder what you think of the idea of “Story Time Club with Luke from Luke’s English Podcast”? Let me know ;)

Extracts with Vocabulary from this Episode (thanks to Jack from the comment section)

I’ve been meaning for a while to go through these phrasal verbs…..
Check them out.
Chronicles
To make up a story off the top of my head.
Try and jog your memories regarding these phrases.
A make up story / situation.
Try and spot the phrasal verbs.
Think also about the grammatical context I’m using them in.
But the aim is for me to try and use these phrasal verbs in this weird long drawn out situation.
I’m gonna try and ask her out.
Sorry you sound a little bit sarcastic.
I’m not up for it any more.
How am I gonna bail out of this?
I walked back over to the other side of the pub with my mates and I felt devasted!
I really thought that we were going to get on with each other.
We might start going out with each other.
But she was annoyingly sarcastic and I don’t know if I can take it.
You usually bounch back from this kind of situation.
If I get flung into a corner I just bounce back
So bring it on
Don’t get carried away
It’s all cool and groovy brother.
Come on catch up!
Can I just chip in?
Bizarre
Look! Never mind that!
It’s twenty quid. Come on cough up
I overheard a guy in the pub.
I listened in and he was going……
I think the police need to crack down on crime.
Do you mind if I just chip in?
I get the impression that nothing is occurring at this moment because you can’t work out what kind of crime it is that police should be cracking down on.
You are actually buying time so that you can think of a funny crime so that then you can use the expression to crack up.

You are very intuitive.
Get on with it!
Schizophrenic
May be I’m cracking up – I’m losing it.
Curl up on the sofa
I’ve got to dash off
I’ve got to doze off
I got on the bus.
I started to drop off to sleep.
I turned on the TV. The commercials were on.
It’s the dumbing down of modern culture.
I’ve got to get out now.
I’ll treat myself to a meal in a nice restaurant.
I’m going to eat out in a lovely restaurant.
I have just a very meagre salary which I have to eek out over the whole year.
Hold your horses Luke! Don’t get carried away.
What I probably should do is work out how to move this story forward.
To hell with my savings!
I started building myself up.
I was really egging myself on.
I went out – I had a really nice time.
I could help noticing that she was eyeing me up.
I’ve had enough of faffing about.
I’m going to take her out for dinner.
You are just kind of ironic.
I’m gonna fess up at this point.
I was devastated.
I had my pint glass, I was just fiddling with a glass in my hand.
Do you want to feel me up or something?
I’m just flagging this up! You shouldn’t say that kind of thing.
I wonder if my listeners are managing to keep up with all these phrasal verbs……
I grabbed the newspaper.
I sat there flicking through the newspaper.
A story which has no drama……
Just biding my time……
I started gearing myself up to kind of announce to the pub that it was story time.
How I’m going to get through this idea.
Get this message across
Gather around in a group and really get on with each other.
No one will be getting at each other.
You wonder if I’ll get away with this because they might not go along with it.
It’s a crazy idea but I might just get away with it.
I’d probably better just check with him if it’s OK.
You want to set up a story club?
I’ll get back to you.
Nothing, nada, zero, zip, zilch.
Summon them up like Spanish
What have you got back to me with?
Nought (nothing)
Don’t get down about it.
They’ll be caught up in the spirit of things.
They’ll be forced to drink in order to down their sorrows.
In which case, you put on the music and every one gets down.
Yes! Get in! I would love to start tonight.
I wanna get in on this!
Because that story time club is where it’s at.
Everyone will have to take their shirts off.
I think we should just get on with this.
I’m gonna go for it.
Old traditional folk tales.
Put your mobile phones away.
Bloke
My dreams were dashed onto the floor of a traditional club.
I mean there was a vague notion of a story line.

166. The Prawn Story

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An undersea tale of identity loss, and shrimp; this is one of those rather ridiculous improvised stories which is loosely based on an old joke. This kind of episode is for listeners who just enjoy listening to some silly fun. Normal educational podcasting will be resumed in due course. Have a good day!

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To get the joke you have to know this expression: “I’ve found God, and I’m a born again Christian”. That’s not an indication of the plot of this story, it’s just a phrase you should know in order to get the (frankly terrible) punchline at the end of the story. It’s not tale of religious belief, although you can interpret it that way if you want (I’m not sure how!). But anyway, just hold that sentence in the back of your mind while listening to this story. The story is based on an old joke, and should be 2 minutes long but I’m going to make it last about half an hour.

Some of you might not understand this – and that’s okay. You don’t have to get it. I’m not really teaching you anything. I’m just telling you a colourful and silly story, which I’m just making up off the top of my head. I do these episodes from time to time, and they prove very popular with some of my listeners. It’s a challenge for me, because I’ve got no idea how I’m going to make it last an hour, while making sure it makes some sense. Normal podcasting will be resumed very soon, including planned episodes about memory, slang, and more.

If you fancy transcribing this episode, click here to access the google doc.

153. The Talking Dog Story

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Another funny improvised story to entertain you while you do more English listening practice.

Right-click here to download this episode.

In this episode I decided to improvise another story for you. A lot of listeners really liked episode 125. The Pink Gorilla Story (full transcript available), which I improvised into a microphone earlier this year. I received some very nicely written messages from people saying they’d like more of that kind of story on Luke’s English Podcast, so here is another one in a similar style. You’re a fan of Lukes English Podcast which means you must be a bright minded person, so I’m sure you’ll get a kick out of The Talking Dog Story!

The story is based on an old joke about a talking dog. The joke is usually just a minute long, but I decided to extend the joke into a longer story. Most of the details in this episode are just improvised while I talk. I’m just making it up off the top of my head. As a learner of English, your challenge is to keep up with me. Can you follow what is going on? Do you get the self-referential elements and the surreal or ironic humour? Can you identify the punch-line to the joke? I’m sure you can if you listen! As you are a fan of Luke’s English Podcast you are probably the kind of person who understands and appreciates this kind of  humourous story telling. So, get stuck in!

Keep listening to the end, because you’ll hear the short version of the story told by someone else. If you fancy it, why not have a go at transcribing some of this. It’s a really good way to develop your English in an intensive way.

Enjoy the story. You can listen to it by clicking “play” on the embedded player at the top of this page. You can download it by right clicking on the ‘download’ text, also at the top of this page.

All the best, and have a great day.

Luke