Category Archives: Humour

283. Ten Fixed Expressions (with Paul Taylor)

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Recently on FB I asked my followers to send me some fixed expressions (phrases, idioms or just individual words) that they like or think are worth learning. I ended up with about 200 phrases. The idea was that I’d do one episode with these phrases, but obviously I underestimated the number of responses that I’d get and now I have a huge database of nice, chunky and rather British fixed expressions which I can deal with in episodes of the podcast. I have vetted the list for any expressions that I don’t see myself using very much, so they’ve all been given the LEP seal of approval, meaning they’re all expressions which are perfectly valid and that you should know.

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What’s a fixed expression? It’s a collection of words (a phrase) which has one specific meaning. Those words are fixed together and it might have a particular idiomatic meaning, or at least a specific meaning which is

Episode 1 in the series – I’ve invited Paul Taylor to my place, and we’re going to do an exercise to help you to learn these phrases and give you some listening practice. What we’ll do is that I will explain the phrase to him and we’ll see if he can guess which phrase it is. Then we’ll give some examples and have a quick discussion based on the expression, before moving on to the next one.

What you can do is just try to guess the phrase I’m talking about, and then check out our discussion to hear the phrase being used naturally. All the phrases are listed on the page for this episode.

  1. A bad egg
    A person in a group who has a negative effect on the rest of that group. “He’s a bit of a bad egg”, or just simply a bad person.
    Have you ever had a bad egg in a training group at work?
    Were there any bad eggs in your group of friends as a child growing up?
  2. A cash cow
    An investment that brings in a reliable source of steady income. E.g. an apartment which you rent out, or shares that you purchased in a thriving business.
    What’s the most common form of cash cow?
    If you had 50,000 to invest, what would you invest it in?
  3. a fine line between x & y
    When there is a very subtle or small difference between two rather distinctly different things. E.g. “There’s a fine line between madness and genius”.
    http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/fine_line.html
    Do you think there is a fine line between madness and genius?
    Other fine lines?
    Stand up comedy and … ?
  4. a flash in the pan
    Something that is a very quick and sudden success, but it’s a success that doesn’t last. Brief success.
    Would you rather be a flash in the pan (make loads of money but then disappear from fame – become anonymous) or a long lasting success who is constantly in the public eye?
    Can you think of anything that we thought would be a flash in the pan but wasn’t?
    What do you think will be a flash in the pan now? Is the Apple Watch a flash in the pan?
  5. a pain in the neck
    Something really irritating or annoying. Something really inconvenient in your life.
  6. a shoo-in
    Someone who is certain to succeed, or certain to win a competition. Someone or something which we assume will be a success. For example, for an entrance exam to a university – we expect this girl to pass. In fact, it’s almost impossible to imagine that she won’t qualify for the course. She’s a shoo-in.
    I always thought it was spelled ‘shoe’ – like somehow there’s a shoe in something, or it’s really easy to throw a shoe into something.
    Where did you go to university? Were you a shoo-in for entrance? How about your exams?
    Do you follow football? Who do you think will qualify/win the 2018 world cup?
  7. A total cock up
    A complete mess – when someone messes something up completely. They tried to rob the bank but they forgot to load their guns and one of them got trapped in the vault and the other didn’t know what to do. They both were recorded by CCTV cameras and got arrested.
    Origin unknown (it doesn’t refer to a penis) – it’s more likely to refer to a bird, like perhaps the accidental startling of a woodcock during a hunt.
    What’s the biggest cock up you’ve ever made?
  8. Ace
    Great, brilliant, fantastic. British slang. Also the name of one of the picture cards in a deck of playing cards.
    When was the last time you said “That was ace!”
    What was the last film you saw that you thought was ace?
  9. All gone to pot
    It’s all gone bad. It’s deteriorated. Like, “it’s all gone to the dogs”.
    E.g. “My diet has gone to pot since coming home for Christmas.” or “London’s just gone to pot since Boris Johnson took over” or “The whole country is going to pot under this conservative government”.
    Has its origins in the idea that farm animals would be eaten (cooked in a pot) when they were past their best (for producing eggs or whatever).
    Do you think the world is going to pot?
  10. All hell broke loose
    When things suddenly become chaotic and out of control.
    E.g. When they announced a flash sale of Louis Vuitton handbags, all hell broke loose in the department store.

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281. Misheard Lyrics

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Do you ever listen to songs and completely mishear the lyrics? I do it all the time. In fact, everybody does! Let’s listen to some song extracts in which the lyrics don’t quite sound as the singer intended.

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Jimi Hendrix – Purple Haze
Sounds like: “Excuse me, while I kiss this guy”
The real lyrics: “Excuse me while I kiss the sky”
The connection of ‘this’ and ‘guy’ makes the /g/ and /k/ sound almost exactly the same. In fact, I think “kiss this guy” and “kiss the sky” are identical.

Do you ever do Karaoke, see the song lyrics on the screen and realise you’ve been hearing all the words wrong, all these years? Or do you wonder if maybe the guy who did the karaoke subtitles didn’t have a perfect command of English and misheard all the lyrics?

Well, if you do often mishear lyrics, worry not – it’s really common and it happens to everyone! There are loads of songs like that for me. For years I thought Sting was singing about sausages in this song. Is it just me or is he singing about salami?

Of course, he’s actually singing “So lonely”.

So, let’s listen to some song extracts and try to understand exactly which words are being sung. Let’s see if you mishear them too, and we’ll consider why they might be easy to get wrong.

Misheard Lyrics

Jimi Hendrix – Purple Haze
Sounds like: “Excuse me, while I kiss this guy”
The real lyrics:
The connection of ‘this’ and ‘guy’ makes the /g/ and /k/ sound almost exactly the same. In fact, I think “kiss this guy” and “kiss the sky” are identical.

Nickleback – How You remind me
Sounds like: “cos little women must have damn near killed you”
The real lyrics: “because livin’ with me must have damn near killed you”
“With me” can sound like “women”. “wi’me”
“Living” can sound like “little” when you remember that the /t/ sounds are often softened in US English.

The Stone Roses – I Wanna Be Adored
Sounds like: “I wanna be a door”
Real lyrics: “I wanna be adored”
He’s really keen to be a door. Because the ending of the word trails off, it’s quite easy to imagine he’s not adding a /d/ sound at the end.

Leona Lewis: “Bleeding Love”. (1min)
Sounds like: “You call me your banana”
The real lyrics: ??

Duffy – Mercy
Sounds like: “You got me begging you for birdseed”
The real lyrics: “You got me begging you for mercy”

Eagles – Hotel California
“What a nice surprise, when your rabbit dies” (3.25)
The real lyrics:

Rolling Stones – Start Me Up
Sounds like: “In Yugoslavia you’ll never starve”
The real lyrics: “If you start me up I’ll never stop”

Sister Sledge – We Are Family
“Just let me staple the vicar”
?
“We’re giving love in a femidom”
?

Bon Jovi – Living on a Prayer
“It doesn’t make a difference if we’re naked or not”
“It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not”
The /m/ in ‘make it’ can quite easily sound like an /n/ sound, and the /t/ in “make it” sounds like a /d/, so there you go…

Billy Ocean – When The Going Gets Tough
“You can go and get stuffed.”
“When the going gets tough.”
The beginning part of the phrase doesn’t work, but “and get stuffed” sounds pretty good!
“Gets tough” sounds almost exactly like “Get stuff”.

Miley Cyrus – Wrecking Ball
“I came in like a rainbow”
“I came in like a wrecking ball”
I think this is because she doesn’t sing it clearly, and the vowel sounds are the same. Also, when you stretch out a note, it’s usually a vowel sound and the consonant sounds might get shortened. Singing it with passion extends the vowels, and the consonants disappear into a slightly ambitious zone.

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Creedence – Bad Moon Rising
“There’s a bathroom on the right.”
“There’s a bad moon on the rise.”
All the vowel sounds are the same. The rest is some imagination or perhaps some connected speech.

Deep Purple – Smoke on the water
“Small cousin Walter, is firing this guy.”
“Smoke on the water, fire in the sky”
There’s another example of “the sky” sounding like “this guy”.
“Fire in” sounds a lot like “firing”
“Smoke on the water” – you need a bit of imagination to hear “Small cousin Walter” but it’s there!

The Cars – Drive
“We can’t go on, thinking, nothing’s wrong – pork pie”
No idea what he’s actually singing…

Michael Jackson – You are not alone
“Your burgers are the best”
Again, I have no idea what he’s on about.

Celine Dion – My Heart does Go On
“I believe that the hot dogs go on”
“I believe that the heart does go on”
We use “does” for emphasis, or to insist something. In this case, it makes it sound like she’s singing about junk food.

Led Zep – Stairway to Heaven
“There’s a wino down the road”
“And as we wind on down the road”
The ‘d’ in “wind on” disappears as the /n/ sound and /d/ sounds fuse together with the same tongue movement.

Seal – A Kiss From A Rose
“and my eyes become lager…”
For me, it just sounds like he’s saying “lager”. I expect he wants to say “larger” but I think it’s definitely “lager”.

Air – All I Need
“Have a wank”
“How do I?”
Ok so she’s actually singing, “How do I?” but just a little bit of imagination for the /k/ at the end, and you’ll never be able to hear this song in the same way again.

Brian Adams – Summer of 69
“I got my first real sex dream”
“I got my first real six string”
Sometimes a /dr/ sound can be similar to a /tr/ sound, especially when they follow a /ks/ sound, like in “six”. So, “six string” can sound like “sex dream”.

Alicia Keys – New York
“New York – Concrete Jungle Wet Dream Tomato”
“Concrete jungle what dreams are made of”
It just sounds like “wet dream tomato” to me. Why is she singing that?

Ray Parker Junior
“Who you gonna call? Those bastards!”
“Ghostbusters”
The vowel sounds are pretty similar, and the emphatic way it is said. They all contribute to a funny misunderstanding!

Eiffel 65 – I’m Blue
“I’m blue I will pee on a guy, if I was green I would die.
I think they’re just singing nonsense and the human brain tends to impose order on nonsense, so your brain searches for meaning. This is the closest your brain can come up with. For me, it improves the song immeasurably.

Beastie Boys – Intergalactic
“I’m having a big shit, I’m having a big shit…”
“Another dimension”
The /th/ in “another” can sound like a /v/ sound, and the /shun/ sound in “dimension” can easily sound like “shit”.

Shania Twain – That don’t impress me much (2.20)
“I can’t believe you kiss your cock at night”
“I can’t believe you kiss your car goodnight”
“Car goodnight” can easily sound like “cock at night” because the /g/ of “goodnight” can sound like the /k/ in “cock”, and then “goodnight” sounds like “at night” because of the old /d/ /t/ thing between “good” and “at”.
Anyway, no need to explain it. Just enjoy it!
listen-to-mozart-while-working

279. Marcus Keeley / Northern Ireland / Accent (Part 3)

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Welcome back to part 3 of this short series. In parts 1 and 2 we got to know my guest a bit, and talked about Northern Ireland. Now in part 3 we are going to have a good listen to Marcus’s Northern Irish accent, compare the way he and I speak, and also learn a few common phrases and slang from Northern Ireland. Enjoy!

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3. Belfast accent (Check out this page on English in Northern Ireland from the fantastic British Library website)
I want my listeners to at least be aware of the accent(s) in Northern Ireland. Ideally they’ll be able to recognise it, or even copy it (just for fun). I also would like to find out about some of the specific phrases that are used in that part of the English speaking world.
– Is there a variety of accents in Northern Ireland?
– What is Ulster Scots?
– How would you describe your accent?
– Do people judge each other on their accents?
– What do you think of other accents from the UK? What do you assume about a person when you hear their accents? Is it fair to judge people by their accent?
Say some specific things: (These may be stereotypes)
“How now brown cow”
“Sit down”
“How are you?”
“I’m feeling a lot better now thank you”
“This is the first farm in the whole country to produce such excellent cheeses”
“She wanted to pull me into the pool”
“Can’t you see that the lift is completely full, you fool!”
“I can’t get this boot on my foot”
“I love coming to Paris because of the good food”
“I’m from Northern Ireland”
“I took the ferry to Derry and it just cost a penny”

How would you say these things, with specific phrases? (Check out this page with a list of common phrases spoken in Northern Ireland)
– Alright mate?
– I’m going to the shop, do you want anything.
– It’s a really hot day, isn’t it?
– I’m going to bed.
– Oh, go on!
– Look at her face! She’s got a weird looking face.
– Yes. (like, “yes, I’ll have a pint if you’re buying”)
– Come on, now.
– “Get a hold of yourself!”, “Wise up!”
– That film was really great. (or just, That was really great wasn’t it?)
– I agree, totally, good, etc. E.g. “Come on, this isn’t working. Let’s go to the pub” – “Yeah, totally”
– You stupid idiot!
– Could you give me a fag/cigarette?
– The police.
– Have you finished (your tea)?
– Are you mad?
– OK, I’m going home for dinner.
– Good, fine, great, etc. (dead on, cracker, sound)
– Alright, let’s have a little drink.
– Can you lot keep the noise down? I’m trying to sleep in here!
– She looks like your mum.
– What’s “spotty dog” (great) and “wind your neck in?”

Nadine from Girls Aloud “I’m going to give him a bath”

Frostbit Boy (The strongest Northern Irish accent I’ve ever heard!) Basically he’s talking about the difficulty of walking to school in the very cold weather.

Why are there so many accents in Northern Ireland?

Markus keeley pic copy 2

278. Marcus Keeley / Northern Ireland (Part 2)

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In part 1 of this episode we met Marcus Keeley. In part 2 we are going to talk specifically about Northern Ireland, its culture, the atmosphere there and things you can do if you visit as a tourist. There will be a part 3 of this conversation, which will focus on the accents and dialects in Northern Ireland.

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2. Focus on Northern Ireland
My listeners, who are around the world, may not know very much about Northern Ireland. It’s often a bit overlooked – in my experience, a lot of people see the UK as just London, Edinburgh, Oxford & Cambridge, Manchester, Stonehenge and a few other famous spots, perhaps Wales. Northern Ireland is rarely mentioned. The UK is a bit confusing – people aren’t completely sure how Ireland and Northern Ireland fit into it. I expect people are aware that there has been trouble there in the past, with the IRA and the sectarian conflict, but there’s more to it than that. Let’s try and let my listeners know a bit more of what it’s really like to live in Northern Ireland.

– When you meet people from other countries, how much do they know about where you come from? Do you get the same kinds of reactions from people?
– Where is it?
– Capital city?
– What’s it like to live in Belfast? Is it a good place to live?
– What can people do or see if they visit?
– What’s the atmosphere like these days?
– Is there still a sense of trouble?
– Do your generation still hold on to that feeling?
– Do you remember what it used to be like?
– Why was there trouble in the first place?
– How do you see the future in Northern Ireland?
– How do you see The UK?
– What did you think of the election? Where does N. Ireland stand?
– What if The UK left the EU?

Nadine from Girls Aloud “I’m going to give him a bath”

Markus keeley pic copy

277. A Chat with Marcus Keeley from Northern Ireland (Part 1)

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This episode is the first part of a conversation I had recently with a friend from Northern Ireland. It’s the first time I’ve had someone from that part of the UK before so it’s a chance to get to know him, his country and the accents you find there. In this one we get to know Marcus and give you a chance to hear his accent. There will be two more parts to this episode. Enjoy!

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Just before we start I would just like to say thank you for taking part in the quick survey that I launched on teacherluke.co.uk recently. I asked you to select the types of episode of the podcast that you prefer to listen to. You can still do it of course, by going to my website and finding the page for the survey in the archive of episodes. Just click ARCHIVE in the menu and then ARCHIVE – ALL EPISODES and you’ll find the survey between episodes 276 and 277. The feedback will help me to know what kind of thing you prefer in episodes of LEP. Of course, ultimately I have the final decision because I’m the boss – I’m Luke after all, and this is Luke’s English Podcast and I have the final say, like sometimes I think it’s worth presenting you with something more challenging here, more entertaining there, more topic focused here, more pronunciation focused there and so on. But anyway, take my survey and let me know what your preferences are – your thoughts will combine with mine and it can help me to provide the right content for you. Click here to take the survey.

Quick Quiz
Now, quick quiz – what are the four countries that make up the UK?
England, Scotland, Wales and… Northern Ireland.
How much do you know about Northern Ireland?
What’s the capital city? (Belfast)
Another big city there? (some call it Derry, others call it Londonderry)
Where exactly is it? (well, the clue is in the name because it’s the northern part of the island of Ireland – but it’s not part of The Republic of Ireland politically, it’s part of the UK) It’s not far from parts of Northern England and South Western Scotland.
What else? The Titanic was built there, Game of Thrones is filmed there, unfortunately it’s also known for ‘the troubles’ – violence, civil unrest and terrorism.

It’s home to about 1.8 million members of the UK, and they have their own culture, their own accents and their own particular dialect, and in a recent survey the ‘Northern Irish accent’ was voted the sexiest accent in the UK!

Today on the podcast I’m joined by Marcus Keeley, who is a stand-up comedian, improviser and poet who comes from Belfast in Northern Ireland. I know Marcus from the stand-up comedy scene in Paris, as he likes to come here from time to time to visit and do comedy shows with our team. He’s a friendy, interesting and funny gentleman and this is the first time I’ve had someone from Northern Ireland on this podcast.

So, this is one of those episodes in which I have a guest on the show and we explore a number of different things within the context of an authentic conversation between two native speakers of English. If you like you can imagine that you’re there with us, involved in our conversation. After all, we are speaking to you, and for the attention of you, and you can get involved by sharing your comments on the page for this episode.

What are you going to get in this episode?
– Generally, this conversation is presented for people who are either learning English or who have a particular interest in all things British, or perhaps both.
– First we’ll get to know Marcus a little bit, giving you a chance to train your ear to his accent and way of speaking
– We’ll talk about Northern Ireland, and really get to know this often overlooked part of the UK – including a bit of culture, history, politics, things you can do as a visitor and whatever else comes up in our chat
– You’re going to listen to the Belfast accent of Marcus, and talk a little bit about the variety of accents that you can hear in Northern Ireland
– You can learn a few common phrases from the dialect of English that you hear in Northern Ireland

As ever, you can read notes for this episode at teacherluke.co.uk, so if you want to do some studying, you can.
Also, you may hear bits of rude language in this episode – so, you have been warned.
We covered a lot of ground in this conversation, which lasted nearly two hours so this will be a two part episode I expect.
Please leave any comments or questions on the page for this episode.
That’s it – I hope you enjoy our conversation, and that you experience something you haven’t experienced before.
It might be tricky to follow everything Marcus says in this episode because you’re not familiar with his accent. I encourage you to keep going and just try to follow the general flow of the conversation! Best of luck. Let’s get started…

1. Get to know Markus a bit
Where are you from exactly?
What brings you to Paris?
What do you do?
How long have you been doing comedy?
How would you describe your act?
Stephen Nolan Podcast
Markus keeley pic

275. The Phrasal Verb Chronicles #2

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100 episodes ago I recorded The Phrasal Verb Chronicles #1 – remember that? The point of that episode was to improvise a made-up story as a way of reviewing the first 50 phrasal verbs from my other podcast which is called A Phrasal Verb A Day. I had to just come up with a random story, and add in a load of phrasal verbs. Your task was to try and spot the phrasal verbs as I used them, while also following the story. It’s time to do it again because I’ve done over 100 episodes of A Phrasal Verb A Day. So now, in this episode I’m going to attempt to improvise another story using phrasal verbs #51-100. Click here to listen to The Phrasal Verb Chronicles #1.

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Click here to visit A Phrasal Verb a Day on iTunes and leave a review. :)

A quick note about A Phrasal Verb a Day
Do you know about my other podcast? It’s a real thing, there are currently about 107 episodes available free for you. You can find all the details, every episode and the RSS feed and iTunes links on teacherluke.co.uk. Just click “A Phrasal Verb a Day” in the menu. You can also find it in iTunes. I started it at the beginning of last year and my aim was to record an episode every day. I managed to keep up that rhythm of one a day for the first few months, but then I found that I couldn’t keep doing them every day. So, the recording and uploading of APVAD has become very sporadic as my daily routine has been really hectic (as usual). But, it is still alive and kicking and I plan to go back to it regularly to upload more episodes. Eventually, the plan is to hit 365 episodes and then it will be finished. In each episode I teach you a different phrasal verb, give you explanations and provide loads of examples of the different meanings and other things you should know. There are also transcripts for all 104 episodes (to date). Phrasal verbs are a vitally important part of fluent and natural sounding English, and are often one of the hardest aspects of the language to learn. You can use my series as a way to get a grip on this difficult aspect of English. Listening to my short phrasal verb episodes regularly can make a really big difference to your English learning, so if you haven’t already done so I recommend that you check it out today. Teacherluke.co.uk and then click A PHRASAL VERB A DAY in the menu, or just google “A Phrasal Verb a Day”. You can subscribe to it in iTunes, download them, listen to them on my website or whatever is most convenient for you – just like episodes of Luke’s English Podcast.

Now, back to this episode.
It’s important to review vocabulary – it’s vital to go over language again and again and we also know that it’s important to get vivid and meaningful connections to words to help you remember them. Hopefully this story will help that process.

I’ve already gone through meanings and explanations of all these phrases in each phrasal verb episode. If you want to go back and study them in more detail, you can just go back to those individual little episodes – the links to all of them are available on the page for this episode. You’ll see a list, and you can click on each phrasal verb to listen to that episode.

In this episode let’s focus on you just noticing these phrases as they are used in natural speech within the context of a story. You’re going to play a game of Vocab Hunter! (exciting) Does that help to make it interesting? If you need extra excitement you can imagine you’re shooting the vocab from the sky whenever you hear it. You can even do a hand gesture, like you’re shooting a gun, like ‘pow’ every time you hear one. Obviously, watch out if you do that on public transport. People tend to be a bit funny about people pretending to shoot imaginary words that only they can see, while on a bus surrounded by people – but on the plus side, you’ll probably get an empty seat next to you and plenty of space to stretch out and really relax while you listen to this episode and play vocab hunter.

Anyway, as I was saying, it’s important to get used to noticing language as it is being used in context, rather than just being spoon fed vocabulary bit by bit, by a teacher, in a slightly mechanical way. Ultimately, it really helps you pick up language when you actually hear it being used to serve a communicative purpose. So your challenge in this episode is just to try to follow the story while noticing 50 phrasal verbs as they’re being used. The phrasal verbs will appear in alphabetical order. In fact, there may be more than 50 as I’m sure other phrasal verbs will just naturally crop up in my speech (there was one already – to crop up).

My challenge is just try try and make this a coherent story, while including all the phrasal verbs. I have no idea where my story is going to go! I just hope that it all makes sense and that I find a way to use every single phrasal verb in order.

It’s going to be difficult, it’s going to be fun and I hope you enjoy the story. I will go through the list when I’ve finished so you will know which ones you should have noticed. Remember, the list of these phrasal verbs, with mini podcast episodes explaining each one, is available on the page for this episode.

So, let’s begin the phrasal verb chronicles, episode two – phrasal verbs 51-100.

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273. The Bad Haircut Situation Part 2: More Role Plays & Improvisations (with Amber & Paul)

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(Longest title ever?)
In the last episode, Amber, Paul and I talked about giving compliments, sharing bad news, and generally saying negative things in a careful and diplomatic way. We then did a couple of role play improvisations to help you notice specific language. In this episode we continue with the improvisations. You can see some samples of language used in those improvisations below.
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I hope you enjoy this episode. As ever, please leave your comments below!

The Role-Plays and Language
3. You go to your friend’s house and they show you their new living room which took months to decorate and cost hundreds of pounds, but it looks awful.
– It’s different to how I imagined
– Normally I love the smell of fresh paint
– …very human
– You’ve really made a statement
– …ah, so it’s finished!

4. Last year you lent your iPod to a friend while he was in hospital. Now he’s better and he’s been out of the hospital for quite a few months but he’s still using your iPod all the time. Demand that he gives it back to you, but do not be rude to your friend!
– You look so great / so nice to see you (positive)
– I was woooooondering
– Did I lend you my iPod?
– I can show you a website
– I was thinking, if I could possibly get back that iPod
– I was thinking possibly if I could have it back
– You don’t mind?

5. You are the manager of a small office. Staff members in the office have complained to you that a member of the team has serious BO (body odour) issues. You’re the one who has to tell him about it, and suggest some solutions. But don’t hurt his feelings!

Language
– Take a seat
– How are you?
– I wanted to have a chat
– essentially
– Let me start again
– Unfortunately, it seems…
– Specifically
– Being frank
– What can I do for you? (resolving the issue)
– I understand. That’s fine.
– Here’s the issue
– What Mr Taylor was trying to say was…

6. You’re the boss of a school. You have to inform one of your teachers that they’re going to be replaced by a Japanese teaching robot.
– No language recorded (I was too involved in the role play).

Fancy transcribing this episode? Click this link to access the google document and start transcribing!
difficultsituations2

The Bad Haircut Situation (with Amber & Paul) How to use English in sensitive situations

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In this episode we’re going to look at how to deal with sensitive situations in English, and that includes ways of delivering bad news or saying negative things. We’re going to consider ways of using language carefully in order to avoid upsetting people or making them angry. You’ll hear a discussion on this topic between Amber, Paul and me and then a few role plays in which we have to deal with some sensitive situations. Watch out for the specific language that we use.
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“The Bad Haircut” – Imagine this situation:
You are at work on a Monday morning, and your colleague arrives. Your colleague’s name is Jane. She is a lovely person. She is kind, sensitive, and generous. She has also been a little bit under-confident recently, after she split up with her boyfriend, who she had been going out with for 4 years. The break up left her feeling a bit lonely and upset, but now she is feeling much better about herself and is ready to take control of her life again.

At the weekend Jane had her hair cut and she has chosen a new style. It’s really quite different to her previous style, and to be honest, it doesn’t look good. It doesn’t suit her at all, and it is not really a fashionable style either. Let’s say she’s added a fringe, she’s cut it shorter and she’s changed the colour. You’re thinking: “this is a bad move – she’s taken a step in the wrong direction with this new haircut”. She seems to be a bit unsure of herself, but she’s excited about her new hair, which obviously cost her a lot of money. You are the first person she has seen in the office. She says to you, “So, what do you think of my new hair cut?”

What should you say to her?

Now, think about this situation carefully. Consider these questions before you decide on your reponse.

1. How exactly will you phrase your response?
2. How honest will you be? Will you tell the truth or not?
3. How might your response affect Jane’s feelings?
4. How direct will you be?
5. What is the most normal, usual and common thing you would say to a friend in this situation? How would you say that in English?
6. If you were from a different culture, would that affect your answer?
7. How would an English person answer the question?

Jane: So, what do you think of my new hair cut?

Your answer: ______________________________________________(please leave your suggestion in the comments section)
Amber’s answer: Wow, you’ve completely changed! It’s completely new! It’s completely different! It’s a completely new look! (With a positive tone)
Paul’s answer: (If he noticed) It looks great!

Wrong thing to say: Don’t worry, it’ll grow out.
“it’ll grow out” = in time the hair will grow and the new style will disappear, and it will look better eventually.

Should we always tell the truth to people?
What if they’re a close friend?
Should friends always support you, or should they sometimes disagree with you if it’s necessary?
Does this change when ‘the stakes are high’?
Is this also different between different countries, or is it universal?

The Importance of Language
It’s in these difficult situations that language becomes vital – we need to be diplomatic in order to prevent problems, to keep relationships sweet, and to avoid big arguments or hurt feelings. You need to be able to use language very carefully sometimes – but how? What are the approaches and phrases that you can use to achieve these things? Let’s look into it in this episode. We’re also going to play around and improvise a few scenarios in which people have to deliver some pretty bad news, which should be fun.

Cultural Aspects
– How would different cultures react to the same situation?
– Are British people more awkward (than other countries)?
– Do we have many social codes? What are they?
– Does our language define us? Or do we define our language? (e.g. French has more formality in it – does that make them more aware of formality codes in their behaviour too?)
– Are Americans more relaxed and laid back than the Brits?

Social Codes
According to Amber’s German friend who has lived in the UK and in France: It’s possible to break cultural codes in France and you’ll be forgiven because you’re foreign, whereas in Britain they still have lots of social codes but they pretend they don’t have any! So when foreign people break the codes, even subtle ones that we aren’t aware of, Brits might get offended!
Perhaps this means the French are a lot more frank and open about having social etiquette, whereas the Brits like to think they are informal and relaxed, when actually they have social etiquette too, which you have to be aware of.

What are those behaviour codes in the UK?
There are codes around giving and receiving compliments.
Here’s the wrong way:
Girl 1: Oh those are very nice earrings.
Girl 2: Thank you. [Didn’t say anything else – which comes across as rude and inconsiderate]

It shows that there are lots of codes that most people don’t even realise exist.

Here’s the correct version:
Girl 1: Oh those are very nice earrings you’re wearing. [Paying a compliment]
Girl 2: Oh thanks! Yeah, I just picked them up in a car-boot sale (a market). I love your dress. [Being modest, then returning the compliment]
Girl 1: Oh, this old thing! It’s just been in my wardrobe for ages, and I just threw it on this morning! [Being modest]
It seems to be normal to be very modest about compliments in the UK, certainly for girls. Is it the same for guys?

Is this just the British/English? How do you react in your country when someone compliments you?
Generally speaking, the English tend to be quite self-effacing and modest, and we don’t like people who are arrogant and who show off.

What about the difference between Americans and British people?
Americans tend to sell themselves more.
The British tend to be more self-effacing and modest. Paul doesn’t want to come across as being arrogant.

Do men and women have the same social codes?

Careful and Diplomatic Language
Choosing what to say in situations like this requires diplomacy and careful attention to language.

Difficult Situations
In this episode we’re going to consider the language you would use in situations like this. Here are some categories:

  • Giving some bad news when it’s your fault (admitting to something)
  • Giving some bad news when it’s not your fault (reporting/announcing something)
  • Requesting something that you shouldn’t be requesting
  • Saying no to a request
  • Saying that you can’t do something
  • Explaining something that could cause someone to get upset or angry

Role Plays for Improvisation
How about these difficult situations? What would you say?
Listen to Luke and his friends improvising the situations. Try to notice specific language they used.

1. You agreed to look after your friend’s dog (you didn’t want to do it) and while looking after it, the dog ate your nice handbag. You’re really angry. Tell the friend.
Here’s some language used:
– There was just one thing…
– He’s a bit of a chewer…
– I wouldn’t normally mind, but…
– Oh no!
– I’m so sorry

2. You have to explain to your family or your partner that the internet has to be cut off to save money. Your partner is a total geek who pretty much lives online constantly, and can’t imagine a world without it.
– I think we need to reduce some of the expenditure that we have so we’re not always in debt
– It seems like the biggest expenditure now is the internet
– Why don’t we just potentially cut off the internet in the house
– Maybe you can go out more

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271. Catching Up with Amber & Paul

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Today I’m joined by my mates Paul Taylor and Amber Minogue, both of whom have been on the podcast before. Let’s catch up with them and see what they’ve been doing. Listen to the episode to hear a completely unscripted and authentic chat between 3 native speakers from England, as we talk about having babies, pedestrian crossings, having ginger hair, the difficulties of being English in the sunshine, and some of our favourite TV shows and films.
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Amber
Click here to listen to Amber’s previous interview on LEP, in which she talked about having a baby.
How was the birth?
You said you would go with a natural birth before. Did you?
What’s it like being a mum?
Best things? Worst things?
Sleep? Nappies?

Paul
Click here for Paul’s previous episodes on LEP. Part 1 and Part 2.
What have you been doing?
Click here to visit Paul’s YouTube channel for Taylor’s Top Tips. 

Topics in this Episode
We talk about various things including:
– Amber’s baby, the birth and what it’s like to be a Mum
– Paul’s news, including his short YouTube videos called Taylor’s Top Tips (started on Instagram, then moved it to YouTube).
– The sound effects from my terrace (the sounds of the street, the sounds of people stepping in dog poo in the street)
– Pedestrian crossings in Paris vs Dog poo
– The dangers of crossing the road in Paris
– The difficulties of being English in the sunshine
– Struggling with a folding chair while avoiding a spider
– Ginger people / having a ginger beard / being a ‘ginger ninja’
– Are Italian people obsessed with ginger people?
– Game of Thrones and other TV shows like Breaking Bad, Suits, Dexter, The Walking Dead, Lost, House of Cards etc.
– TV series vs Films
– J.J. Abrams the director of the new Star Wars film, and his love of lens flare.
– Amber doesn’t like ‘wiggly camera’ – shaky, handheld camera effects – like in the Jason Bourne films and the Taken films.
– The film Cloverfield (directed by J.J. Abrams)
– The Blair Witch Project (1999)
– Recommended TV series (plural – series, singular – series). Amber: Game of Thrones and The Wrong Man’s, Paul: Fawlty Towers, Luke: Louie.
– Vocabulary: A TV series (e.g. Game of Thrones) – not a serie, a season (e.g. season 1, season 2 etc – in the UK we used to say ‘series’ not ‘season’ but now most people say ‘season’)
– Serial? It’s an adjective to describe a series of things – e.g. a serial publication. In my opinion we don’t say a ‘TV serial’, we say a ‘TV series’. Amber and Paul don’t agree.
– Criticisms of French television (a bit of French bashing here? or genuinely valid criticisms of French TV?)
– Summarising the conversation: Jumping into gingers (“Don’t jump into anyone too quickly, you have to give them fair warning in advance”), we detoured into TV, the escapade/debacle with the chair, spending time in the sun
– Orphan Black (TV show)

Taylor’s Top Tips

For the Geeks: What is lens flare?

The trailer for Cloverfield
Directed by J.J. Abrams. Lots of shaky, handheld camera (or ‘wiggly camera’ as Amber described it)

Orphan Black trailer

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266. Telling Jokes in English (Part 3)

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This is the third and final episode in this series on jokes. In this one we’re going to consider the psychology of puns, hear an old tape recording of my brother and me telling jokes when we were children, and you’ll also get lots more gags and their explanations.
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The Psychology of Puns
Why do we tell jokes? Is it all just fun, or is there something deeper and more psychological going on here? Let’s listen to a clip.
This is a clip from Tim Vine’s DVD ‘So I Said To This Bloke’ about the psychology of puns. Tim Vine (winner of the joke of the year) talks to a psychologist called Ingrid Collins about why we like puns.
Three questions:
1. Why do we tell puns? (two reasons)
2. What’s the condition she mentioned?
3. Why did the audience laugh a couple of times?

Answers
1. For two reasons. One is for the sheer joy of surprise, silliness and the joy of showing up our language in all its light and shade. Secondly, people use puns because they want to avoid talking about more serious things – emotional issues, fear of intimacy etc.
2. The condition is called paronomasia and a person who suffers from this is a paronomasiac.
3. The audience laughs a couple of times because, of course, Tim Vine makes a couple of jokes. The first one is a joke about the word paronomasiac. Para (like parachute) mosaic (a pattern) – he says; “A paronomsiac – as opposed to someone who like parachutes and strange patterns, a paranomosaic.” This is a made up word, and a pun which he came up with on the spot. The psychologist is not impressed, and just says “yes” – in fact we sense that the psychologist is probably judging him and maybe considers him to have paronomasia. Also: “Black beauty – he’s a dark horse”

Round 2 – yet more bad jokes!
11. What do you call a Saudi Arabian dairy farmer?
A milk sheik

12. Why can’t ants go to church?
Because they’re in sects.

13. Man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under one arm and says…
I’ll have a drink please and another one for the road.

14. Two fish in a tank, and one of them said…
How do you drive this thing?

15. Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field.

16. A policeman was standing by the side of a road watching traffic. He saw a bus drive past full of penguins, so he stopped it.
“Why is your bus full of penguins?” he asked the driver. “I found them all by the side of the road, they must have escaped” said the driver. “Well take them to the zoo!” said the policeman. “All right” said the driver, and drove off.
A couple of hours later the policeman saw the bus again, it was still full of penguins and now they were all eating ice-creams. He stopped the bus again and said to the driver – “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?”
The driver said “I did take them to the zoo, and now we’re going to the swimming pool”.

17. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

18. A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog. One man says to the other, “Does your dog bite”, the man replies “No my dog doesn’t” The man pats the dog on the head and it bites his hand off. The man says “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite” and the other man says “Yes. Thats not my dog”.

19. Why do Marxists like to drink fruit infusions?
Because all proper tea is theft!

20. What’s ET short for?
Because he’s got little legs.

My Brother and me telling jokes when we were kids
Here’s an old recording from when I was about 6 years old of my bro and me telling jokes. The jokes are listed below. I was a bit young to be able to tell the jokes properly, and I found it hilarious to get the jokes wrong. Nothing has changed really…

listen to ‘James and Luke when they were children, telling jokes.’ on audioBoom


Here are the jokes from the recording
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Doctor
Doctor Who?
That’s right!

Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spider (because the spider spied her)

Doctor doctor I feel like a pack of cards
Sit down and I’ll deal with you later

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
Cows go moo not who!

What did the cat do when it got to the motorway?
Meeeeooow!

– get your (py)jamas on

Louis CK talks about a joke written by his daughter
The point is that he loves his daughter’s joke because it is unexpected, and because he can imagine the situation. It’s a funny situation with no explanatory punchline. Normally this kind of joke has a contrived opening because it is leading to a punchline with a double meaning. His daughter’s joke just has a contrived setup, but no punchline, which is actually more surprising and therefore more satisfying! I’ll let Louis explain it.


Who didn’t let the gorilla into the ballet?
Just the people who were in charge of that decision.
(this is a sort of anti-joke made up by a child who doesn’t really understand the rules of jokes, which makes it funny to Louis)
For more jokes written by kids, click here.

Round 3
21. Did you hear about the ice-cream man? He was found dead in his ice-cream van, covered in chocolate sauce and pieces of hazelnut.
The police said that he had topped himself.

22. What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

23. Q – what did the grape say when the elephant trod on it?
A – Nothing, it just gave a little wine.

24. A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh in the corner. He calls over, “Hey, Van Gogh! Want a drink?” and Van Gogh replies, “No thanks. I’ve got one ‘ere.”

25. There were two cows in a field. One said “moo”, the other one said “I was going to say that!”

26. Patient : “Doctor I keep hearing “The green, green grass of home” in my head. Doctor : “That’s called the Tom Jones Syndrome”
Patient : “Is it common ?”
Doctor : “It’s not unusual”

27. Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

28. A horse walks in to a bar. The bartender says: “Why the long face?”

29. A bear walks into bar. He goes up to the barman and says “Can I have a pint of beer and … … … and a packet of crisps?”.
The barman says, “yes… but why the big paws?

30. A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything.”
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