Category Archives: Humour

829. 88 English expressions that will confuse everyone (Part 3)

Finally, here is the third part of this series about English slang words and expressions that most British people know, but which will probably confuse almost everyone else! I started this series in 2019. It’s only taken me nearly 4 years to get round to finishing it. Learn loads of slang and culture, plus a bit of British history too.

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Episode Transcript / Notes

Hello everyone and welcome back to LEP. This episode is called “88 English Expressions that will confuse everyone (Part 3) and in this episode we’re going to go through some expressions and idioms that, apparently, only British people know, and which confuse everyone else – and that means learners of English but also other native speakers from different countries, particularly the USA. These expressions seem to be unique to the UK for some reason.

Now, this is an episode that has been a long time coming! (Hello Francesco Gaeta!) This is actually part 3 of a series I started bloody ages ago, before COVID came along, and I always intended to finish it off, but never got round to it. So, over 3.5 years and about 200 episodes later it’s time to finish what I started.

Why did it take you so long to finish the series Luke?

I’ve said before that this podcast is a bit like a big ship that’s barreling across the ocean. If I leave something behind (like if someone or something falls overboard) it takes a long time to slow the ship down, turn it around and go back. But anyway, here we are returning to finish this series.

“88 English Expressions that will confuse everyone” – Essentially this is an episode about British slang.

This should be useful for you from a cultural point of view and to help you understand native British English speakers. It should also just be a bit of fun to be honest, so I hope you enjoy it and that you find it interesting to learn about some of our more obscure and weird expressions.

Should you actually use these expressions in your speaking?

This is always an important question when learning slang or idioms. Should you add them to your active vocabulary?

Obviously this is completely up to you, but it’s worth considering what kind of English you should a) be able to understand and b) actually use. This depends on the context in which you are using English. If you want to be able to understand British people when they speak then this is the stuff for you. If you just love English and find it interesting to explore the idiosyncratic aspects of the language, then go for it.  But slang isn’t exactly global English (this is the kind of English that most non-native speakers would understand – like the language of international business for example) and so these expressions might just be a bit confusing and weird for other non-native speakers (depending on their level of English).

But again, it is completely up to you, and after all the tagline for this podcast is “Real British English” so here you go. This is the kind of stuff that you might notice in TV shows, song lyrics, books or just the things your English mates say, if you have any, and if you don’t have any, that’s ok, don’t feel bad.

624. 88 English expressions that will confuse everyone (Part 1)

625. 88 English expressions that will confuse everyone (Part 2)

As I said, this is part 3. If you’d like to listen to parts 1 & 2 as well you can find them on the episode page, or just search for episode 624 and 625.

This is based on an article I found on independent.co.uk. You’ll find the link below.

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/british-phrases-english-language-sayings-britain-england-uk-different-a8138046.html

Text in italics has been pasted from the original article (link above).

By the way, there is a video version of this episode on youtube and on the website page. I have been attempting to add more video versions of my episodes recently. I hope you have been enjoying that.


“a Pea-souper”

“It’s a real pea-souper out there tonight!”

A “pea-souper” is a thick fog (or smog), often with a yellow or black tinge, caused by air pollution.

I should say that this is an old-fashioned expression and people don’t really use it much any more, but it does pop up every now and again usually in films and TV series which are set in the past. I think Amber said it on the podcast once too.

The idiom was first used to describe the thick, choking smogs that settled over London, caused by lots of people burning fossil fuels in a close vicinity, as early as 1200. The smogs were compared to pea soup due to their colour and density.

Pea soup is very thick and can be a bit yellow in colour if you’re using dried peas in the recipe, so this is why a fog which is very thick (and even yellow in colour) used to be called a “pea souper”. The fog/smog was so thick that it looked like pea soup. Yuck.

“Be careful when you’re driving — it’s a pea-souper out there.”

I would never actually use this phrase unless I was imitating a London cab driver from the 1950s or 1940s. The expression was much more common in those days because very foggy weather was also much more common. We don’t often get fog like that in London these days really, because the air is much cleaner than it used to be.

This is one of the stereotypes of London – thick fog. It’s the sort of thing that comes up in American TV shows and films. In many American’s minds, London is still this foggy 18th century place full of penniless pickpockets, greedy bank managers and cockney prostitutes, and fog. “Foggy London town”, but it’s not really true any more, well the weather bit – the pickpockets, bank managers and prostitutes – that’s probably still true.

All the google News searching I’ve done for this expression has returned the same results – articles about the great smog of 1952.

So, this is as much a history lesson as it is an English lesson then. What was the great smog of 1952 and how did this “pea souper” expression end up in the language?

Details from Wikipedia

Pea soup fog (also known as a pea souperblack fog or killer fog and also London Particular in the case of pea-soupers in London) is a very thick and often yellowish, greenish or blackish fog caused by air pollution that contains soot particulates and the poisonous gas sulphur dioxide. This very thick smog occurs in cities and is derived from the smoke given off by the burning of soft coal for home heating and in industrial processes. Smog of this intensity is often lethal to vulnerable people such as the elderly, the very young and those with respiratory problems. The result of these phenomena was commonly known as a London particular or London fog.

The Clean Air Act
The worst recorded instance was the Great Smog of 1952, when 4,000 deaths were reported in the city over a couple of days, and a subsequent 8,000 related deaths, leading to the passage of the Clean Air Act 1956 (a law which controlled pollution in London and was vital in changing the air quality of the whole country), which banned the use of coal for domestic fires in some urban areas.[14] The overall death toll from that incident is now believed to be around 12,000.

The phrase has cropped up in various bits of popular culture over the years.

Charles Dickens’ Bleak House – when Esther arrives in London, she asks of the person meeting her “whether there was a great fire anywhere? For the streets were so full of dense brown smoke that scarcely anything was to be seen. ‘O, dear no, miss,’ he said. ‘This is a London particular.’ I had never heard of such a thing. ‘A fog, miss,’ said the young gentleman.”

The Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes stories describe London fogs, but contrary to popular impression the phrase “pea-soup” is not used; A Study in Scarlet (1887) mentions that “a dun-coloured veil hung over the house-tops”; The Adventure of the Bruce-Partington Plans (1912) describes “a dense yellow fog” that has settled down over London, and later notes “a greasy, heavy brown swirl still drifting past us and condensing in oily drops on the windowpane”; while in The Sign of Four (1890), Holmes soliloquises: “What else is there to live for? Stand at the window here. Was ever such a dreary, dismal, unprofitable world? See how the yellow fog swirls down the street and drifts across the dun-coloured houses”; and, later: “the day had been a dreary one, and a dense drizzly fog lay low upon the great city. Mud-coloured clouds hung over the muddy streets.”

The fog plays a role in Michael Crichton‘s 1975 novel The Great Train Robbery [22] “On the evening of January 9th, a characteristic London ‘pea-soup’ fog, heavily mixed with soot, blanketed the town.

The second chapter of the book The Woman in Black (1983) by Susan Hill is titled “A London Particular” and mentions the thick, dense fog of London, which Arthur Kipps witnesses on his journey to work at his solicitors’ office.

Sections of London Below in Neil Gaiman‘s 1996 novel Neverwhere are still affected by “pea soupers”, remnants of the thick fog in London’s past that got trapped in London Below and remained.

This expression turned up in series 1 of The Crown (The Netflix drama about the Queen & The Royal Family) in episode 4. The events of the 1952 fog-deaths and their political ramifications take up the whole of the episode.

Be careful out there, it's a real pea souper.

London fog is now a bit of a cliche and we don’t get that much foggy weather since the air is now a lot cleaner, or at least the pollution we have now doesn’t create smog like it used to. So, pea-soupers and “foggy London” are now a thing of the past

  • How’s the pollution in your city or country? Do you ever get pea-soupers there?

“Pinch punch first of the month”

This is a rhyme that people say on the first day of the month. It’s sort of a good luck tradition, or maybe just an excuse to punch someone on the arm. For some reason we never ever did this in my family and so “Pinch, punch, the first of the month” is almost as foreign to me as it is to you. It’s the sort of annoying thing that a kid in school would say to you while inflicting physical pain on you, by pinching and then punching you in the arm.

“Pinch punch, first of the month. No returns of any kind” is a school playground rhyme often exchanged between friends on the first day of a new calendar month, accompanied by a pinch and a punch to the recipient.

If the joker forgets to say “no returns of any kind,” the recipient can say “a slap and a kick for being so quick,” accompanied by a slap and a kick.

Why on earth would people do this kind of nonsense to each other, you might be asking? To protect everyone from witches, of course.

 

According to the Metro, the playground ritual originates from the medieval times (when nobody know anything about anything, most people were completely illiterate and education was something only the richest of the rich could afford and even the school were probably full of unscientific superstitious nonsense too) , when a “pinch” of salt was believed to make witches weak, and the “punch” resembled banishing the witches entirely. As a result, “pinch punch, first of the month” was a way of warding off witches and bad luck for the near future.

Nowadays, it’s mostly a way for kids to pull pranks on their friends.

It’s basically an excuse for punching your friends.

“Pinch punch, first of the month!”

“Ha! A slap and a kick for being so quick!”

  • Do you have any weird little superstitious traditions relating to the first day of the month?

“Pissed”

This is one for the Americans really, and I expect that most long-term LEPsters will be well aware of this.

“Pissed” usually means “angry” in the US. However, in the UK, someone that’s “pissed” is most probably drunk.

“Oh leave him alone, he’s pissed!”

Here’s another expression that means drunk (add it to all those ‘nouns-as-adjective words that posh people might say like trollied, gazeboed, rat-arsed and the other expression which was mortal in Newcastle and probably the surrounding areas – see part 2 of this series).

This word is very common and used a lot. I would definitely use this as a slightly rude alternative to the word drunk.

I’m feeling a bit pissed.

If they started drinking at 6 the’ll all be pissed by now!

Remember, in the US pissed usually means annoyed. The English equivalent is pissed off.

I’m so pissed right now. (Angry – USA)

I’m feeling so pissed off today! (Angry – UK, although I think they sometimes say pissed off in the USA too)

He can’t drive, he’s pissed! (Drunk – UK)

  • When was the last time you got pissed? Have you ever been pissed?
  • What pisses you off about life in the place where you live?

*remember, the word “pissed” is quite rude.


“Pop your clogs”

To “pop your clogs” means to die.

This cheery phrase is widely believed to originate from Northern factory workers around the time of the industrial revolution. When they were working on the factory floor, employees had to wear hard clogs to protect their feet.

“Pop” has evolved from “cock,” and when someone “cocked” their clogs, the toes of their clogs pointed up in the air as they lay down dead.

“Did you hear what happened to John’s old man? He popped his clogs, didn’t he…”

Again, there’s an example of how the story of the meaning of the word is more weird than useful, but I suppose people used to die quite frequently in factories and so this phrase became quite common. I’m trying to think of a reasonable situation in which you could use this phrase today. Normally you wouldn’t use a phrase like this if you’re trying to be respectful about a death. Instead this phrase is for situations which are not so serious.

An example from a not-so-serious account of Queen Victoria’s life.

Queen Victoria’s wild royal sex diaries revealed
New Zealand Herald-25 May 2019
Sadly, Victoria’s sexual walkabout with Albert ended in 1861 when he popped his clogs and she was heartbroken to have lost her great love.


“Poppycock”

Something that is nonsense, rubbish, or simply untrue might be described as “poppycock.”

This quintessentially British idiom derives from the Dutch “pap” and “kak,” which translate as “soft” and “dung.”

So it means “bullshit” basically.

“What a load of poppycock!”

Having done a bit of research into this, it seems that they do use it in the USA as well, and no-doubt in Canada too, and other English speaking places.

Here are some examples https://youglish.com/pronounce/poppycock/english?

Other words that mean nonsense

We could add “poppycock” to the list of words meaning nonsense which also includes:

Balderdash, codswallop, baloney, bollocks (rude), bunkum, claptrap, cobblers, drivel, fiddlesticks, gibberish, guff, hogwash, piffle, tosh, tripe and twaddle.

For more info, check here https://www.glossophilia.org/?p=2569

  • Do you also have lots of words for “nonsense” in your language, or does English just have more nonsense than other languages?

“Quids in”

Someone who’s “quids in” has invested in an opportunity which is probably going to benefit them massively.

 

“Quid” is British slang for “pounds,” eg, “five quid” means £5.

“If it all works out as planned, he’ll be quids in.”

Basically, if you are ‘quids in‘ it means you’ve made some money. It is the sort of thing I might say if I’ve gained some money, like at the end of a comedy show you might say “Ah, quids in!” when someone hands you some cash that has been collected at the door.


“Round”

This is a good one, and important if you’re going to the pub in the UK.

You might buy a “round” of drinks for your friends at the pub, in the understanding that they will each buy you a drink as part of their “rounds” later on.

“Whose round is it? Is it Steve’s?”

“No way, I’ve already bought a round. It’s your round.”

  • Do you buy drinks in rounds in your country? I expect that you get a bill at the end, rather than having to keep going back to the bar to order more drinks, but let me know in the comment section.

“a Shambles”

A disorganised mess or chaotic environment might be described as a “shambles.”

“What’s happened here? This is a shambles!”

Brexit is a shambles.
My first lessons as a teacher were a bit of a shambles.
The way England play football in the World Cup is often a bit of a shambles, although they’ve been getting better in recent years.
Boris Johnson is a shambles, and so is his government. (oops, a bit of politics)


“Shirty”

Someone short-tempered or irritated might be described as “shirty”, also to get shirty with someone.

The meaning of this slang has been debated at length. The word “shirt” is derived from the Norse for “short,” hence short-tempered. However, other people believe that “shirty” has connotations of being dishevelled (creased, unironed, in a bad mood).

“Don’t get shirty with me, mister.”

  • When was the last time someone got shirty with you?
  • Are you a bit short tempered sometimes? Do you get shirty with people? When? In the mornings? Who do you get shirty with?

I got shirty with a guy who jumped ahead of me in the queue, but I can’t argue in French so I couldn’t do anything about it. (What happened Luke?)


“Skew-whiff”

Something that is “skew-whiff” is askew meaning wonky, not straight.

“Is it just me or is that painting a bit skew-whiff?”

Slightly Uneven Picture Frame In Local Cafe Driving Woman Slowly Insane –  Waterford Whispers News

Francois Hollande used to the President of France but it seems he was quite unpopular with French people. I often wondered why. Whenever I asked people about him they would say something about his appearance, or that he’s not presidential enough. I worked out that he was unpopular mainly because he couldn’t wear a tie properly. His tie was always a bit skew-whiff. Clearly, looking Presidential is one of the main qualifications for the job.

  • Look around the room (if you’re in a room) are any of the pictures or paintings a bit skew-whiff?

“Skive”

to skive off (school)

“Skiving” is the act of avoiding work or school, often by pretending to be ill. Playing truant.

“Skive” is derived from the French “esquiver,” meaning “to slink away” or “to wriggle out of something”.

“He skived off school so we could all go to Thorpe Park on a weekday.”

  • Did you use to skive off school?

I never skived off at school, but I did a lot at 6th form college. I spent more time in the park next to the college than I did in the college itself.


“Slumped”

Lacking in energy; usually after a long period of exertion.

“Do we have to go to the dinner party tonight? I’m slumped.”

Hmm. I would use slumped but not to mean exhausted. I’d use it to describe someone’s body position.

to be Slumped (over) = to lean, lie or sit so that your body is completely lifeless, as if you have died or just passed out. To be slumped over a desk, to be slumped on the floor, in a corner etc.

Presenteeism…Does it really still exist? - Engage & Prosper

I’m sure that in the recent detective story episodes (Episodes 612-614)  the word “slumped” came up. You can imagine someone slumped over their desk because they’ve been studying English so hard that they’ve passed out, or they’ve just been listening to an especially long episode of LEP.

The students were all slumped over their desks.
The teacher was slumped over his desk.
There was even a guy slumped in the corner, holding a grammar book.
What happened here? I wondered.
Then I realised. It must have been an English grammar lesson.

  • Is it considered rude to be slumped over your desk in your country?

It always used to alarm me to see my Korean students slumped over the desks during break time, especially if they had their heads on the desks. I thought they had just all given up, but apparently they were just resting. (Or maybe they just couldn’t stand my lessons)


“Smarmy”

Someone that comes across as scheming or untrustworthy might be described as “smarmy.”

He’s such a smarmy bastard.

smarmy - Curatti

Although the adjective’s origins remain largely unknown, early documented uses seem to use the word as synonymous with “smear,” further suggesting that someone who is “smarmy” is also “slick” or “slippery.”

“Don’t trust him — he’s a smarmy git.”

Draco Malfoy is a smarmy little git.
Jacob Rees Mogg is a really smarmy politician.

Jacob Rees-Mogg criticised for 'lying down' during key Brexit debate | Isle  of Wight County Press

James Bond is not smarmy, he’s classy. But there are plenty of blokes who fancy themselves as classy like Bond, but they just come across as smarmy.

  • Do you know anyone you could describe as smarmy?

Imagine a slippery, maybe slimy, charming but disreputable person.


“Sod’s law”

A British axiom (saying)( that boils down to the idea that: “If anything can go wrong, then it definitely will go wrong.”

“Sod’s law” is often used to explain bad luck or freakish acts of misfortune. This is more commonly known in the US as “Murphy’s law.”

“Of course my toast had to land on the floor butter-side-down. It’s Sod’s law.”

Here are some situations in which would count as sod’s law:

  • Dropping your toast. It always falls butter side down.
  • When you have to choose a queue at the bank or at border control. The queue you choose always ends up being longer than the queues you didn’t choose.

In the USA they would probably say “Murphy’s Law”, which could be a bit offensive as it’s an Irish name and so this might count as an ethnic slur – a rude expression which offends a certain ethnic group, in this case the Irish.

“Great, it’s been dry all summer and on our wedding day it decides to pour with rain.” “Sod’s law, isn’t it?”


“a Spanner in the works”

An event that disrupts the natural, pre-planned order of events could be described as a “spanner in the works.”

The phrase describes the mayhem caused when something is recklessly thrown into the intricate gears and workings of a machine.

“By getting pregnant, Mary threw a spanner in the works.”

UK: spanner
US: wrench
Spanish: an English key (?)

Before the pandemic threw a spanner in the works I was planning a world tour of stand up comedy shows.


“Spend a penny”

To “spend a penny” is a polite euphemism for going to the toilet.

The phrase goes back to Victorian public toilets, which required users to insert a single penny in order to operate the lock.

Although it sounds crude, the phrase is actually considered a polite way of announcing that you are going to visit the bathroom. Historically, only women would announce they were going to “spend a penny,” as only women’s public toilets required a penny to lock. Men’s urinals were free of charge.

“I’m going to spend a penny.”

“I’m just off to spend a penny”

Other euphemisms for urination:

  • to have/take/go for a slash / whazz
  • to answer the call of nature
  • to pee
  • to piss

“Splash out”

This is nothing to do with the previous expression.

To “splash out” means spending significant amounts of money on a particular item or event.

If you’re “splashing out,” it’s implied that you’re spending money on a treat to mark a special occasion or celebration.

“Wow — you’ve really splashed out on this party!”

Note: to splash out on something

I’ve been working super hard recently, so I decided to treat myself and splash out on a new guitar.

  • Have you splashed out on anything recently, or are you saving up for something?

“Swot”

Similar to “nerd” or “geek” but less derogatory — someone that takes academic study very seriously might be described as a “swot.”

“Swot” can also be used as a verb.

“I haven’t seen Tom since he started revising for his exams. He’s turned into such a swot!”

“Yeah, he’s been swotting like mad for his Spanish exam.”


“Take the biscuit”

If someone has done something highly irritating or surprising in an exasperating fashion, you might say that they’ve “taken the biscuit.”

“Taking the biscuit” is the equivalent of taking the nonexistent medal for foolishness or incredulity.

“I could just about deal with the dog barking at 5:30a.m., but the lawnmower at 3 a.m. really takes the biscuit.”


“Take the Mickey”

To “take the Mickey” means to take liberties at the expense of others — and can be used in both a lighthearted and an irritated fashion.

“Take the Mickey” is an abbreviation of “taking the Mickey Bliss,” which is Cockney rhyming slang for “take the piss.”

“Hey! Don’t take the Mickey.”

“I’m just taking the Mickey.”


“Tickety-boo”

Something that is “tickety-boo” is satisfactory and in good order.

This classic British idiom may seem stereotypically twee, however, some sources believe that “tickety-boo” in fact derives from the Hindu phrase “ṭhīk hai, bābū,” meaning “it’s alright, sir.”

“Everything’s tickety-boo.”

“I hope everything’s fine, grand, splendid and tickety boo in podcastland”


“Waffle”

When someone makes a great speech while skirting around a subject or saying little of any value, you might say that they’re talking “waffle,” or that they’re “waffling.”

In the 17th century, to “waff” went to yelp, and quickly evolved to mean to talk foolishly or indecisively.

“I wish he’d stop waffling on.”

“What a load of waffle!”

Other words for this: rambling, prattling.


“Wally”

Someone silly or incompetent might be described as a wally.

Although its origins are largely debated, the term’s meaning has evolved over the last 50 years alone.

In the 1960s, someone that was unfashionable might be nicknamed a “wally,” according to dictionary.com.

“Don’t put down a leaking mug on top of the newspaper, you wally!”


“Wangle”

If you’ve “wangled” something, you’ve accomplished or attained something through cunning means.

“I wangled some first-class seats by being nice to the cabin crew!”


“Whinge”

To “whinge” means to moan, groan, and complain in an irritating or whiney fashion.

“Stop whinging!”


“Wind your neck in”

If you want to tell someone to not concern themselves with issues that don’t directly affect them, you might tell them to “wind their neck in.”

This classic phrase is another way of telling someone that their opinion is not appreciated in the given scenario.

“Wind your neck in and stop being so nosy!”

To be honest, I only ever heard this phrase being used by my friends from Northern Ireland and I hadn’t heard it before that.


“Wind-up merchant”

Someone that makes comments just to spark controversy or argument might be labelled a “wind-up merchant.”

The “wind-up merchant” will often claim to be making their comments as a light-hearted jest when the recipients start becoming irritated.

If you’re “winding someone up,” you’re making them tense or irritated, a bit like the way you might wind up a toy.

to wind someone up = to make fun of them, to take the mickey out of them

a wind up merchant = someone who winds people up

“Stop being such a wind-up merchant and be serious for one second!”

“Zonked”

Exhausted; tired.

“I was going to go out tonight but when I finished work I was absolutely zonked.”

Other words for zonked: knackered, worn-out, shattered.

818. Monster Bogey (A Children’s Book) with Anna Brooke

My friend Anna has written a book for children (7+) which has a full publishing contract and is available in all good bookshops now. The book tells the story of a boy who accidentally creates a monster when his secret collection of nose bogeys gets struck by lightning! This conversation includes lots of talk of snot and bogeys, as well as stories from Anna’s time as a travel writer.

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Get your copy of Monster Bogey here! https://www.chickenhousebooks.com/books/monster-bogey/

Read an extract from the book here https://www.chickenhousebooks.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/Monster-Bogey-chapter-1-for-website-COMPRESSED.pdf

817. Parson’s Pleasure by Roald Dahl (Learn English with a Short Story)

Learn English with another short story. This time it’s Parson’s Pleasure by Roald Dahl, which is an intriguing tale of a dodgy antiques dealer, with a nasty twist at the end. Learn vocabulary while you enjoy a fascinating story.

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816. Kate Billington in the Podcastle

Kate Billington returns to LEP for the third time, to drink tea, talk about my pod-room, learning the bassoon, exam results, learning Chinese, responding to listener comments and talking about her videos on TikTok.

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Links and things

The British Council on TikTok

https://www.tiktok.com/@britishcouncilenglish?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc

Kate’s video about “It’s raining cats and dogs”

@britishcouncilenglish Replying to @sentimentalbxtch Way ahead of you! #learnontiktok #learnenglish #idioms #edutok #vocabulary #english ♬ original sound – British Council English

@britishcouncilenglish ♬ original sound – British Council English
@britishcouncilenglish Kate’s back with another ‘very funny joke’ (she made me write that…)! Tell us what you think! #britishhumour #britishcomedy #englishteacher #learnenglish #learnontiktok #vocabulary ♬ original sound – British Council English

British Council Mini-English Lesson on For & Since

Previous appearances on LEP

Introduction Transcript

Hello listeners,

Welcome back to Luke’s English Podcast. I hope you are doing fine out there in podcast land.

Kate Billington is back on the podcast today. Of course, you remember her from episodes 689 and 705. 

If you heard those episodes I’m sure you will remember Kate and I know that a lot of you out there will be very happy that she is back again and yes, Kate’s return to this podcast is long overdue. She was a very popular guest when she was on the show before. So it’s great to have her back.

Some of you don’t know Kate because you haven’t heard those episodes but there’s no need for me to introduce her fully now in the intro because I kind of do that again during the conversation, except that Kate is an English teacher from England and we work together at the British Council.

People sometimes ask if Kate has her own podcast or YouTube channel or something, because they want to hear more from her.

Well, recently she started making videos for TikTok. We do talk about this during the episode, but that’s not until the end of the conversation, so I just wanted to give you a heads up about that right now at the start.

Kate is part of a team of teachers making content for the British Council’s channel on TikTok. You’ll see that they are making shorter videos (certainly shorter than mine) about things like British English idioms, culture and other entertaining bits and pieces. So, check it out – @BritishCouncilEnglish on TikTok. The link is on the page for this episode on my website.

So, what you are about to hear is another long and rambling conversation with a guest on my podcast. Hopefully you will stay engaged and entertained throughout while practising your English listening in the process.  

All you have to do as you listen to this is keep up with the changes and tangents, and enjoy this conversational journey into things like how Kate helped me with the shelves in my pod-room, how Kate doesn’t agree with the way I arrange my books on those shelves, how it feels to be filmed while talking (and yes there is a video version of this on YouTube), we talk about Kate’s academic successes and failures (or maybe I should say “failure” because it seems there’s only been one, and I’m still not sure it counts as a failure), the Chinese classes that Kate has been taking recently, quite a lot of stuff about Korea (hello Korean listeners), our blood types and what they mean, how we both feel about getting older, and how we feel about certain other English teaching video content that you might find on TikTok, Instagram or YouTube. All that, and much more, starting… now.

809. Toilets, Titanic & TikTok with AMBER & PAUL

An unedited conversation with Amber & Paul about toilet habits, Titanic (1997), weird videos on TikTok & YouTube and plenty more. Advanced level listening practice with the POD-PALs. Video version available.

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The audio version ☝️ has about 15 minutes of extra rambling by Luke at the end, not included in the video version 👇

Introduction Transcript

Hello, listeners, I hope you’re doing well today. Welcome back to my podcast. This is where you can do plenty of listening in order to improve your English. Because listening is a vital part of the process. You have to listen, listen, listen and generally get used to hearing natural English as it is spoken and my podcast can help you to do that. 

In this episode Amber & Paul are back on the podcast. In case you don’t know, Amber Minogue and Paul Taylor are my friends who have been regular guests on this show for many years. They are both stand-up comedians from the UK, living in Paris, like me. 

A couple of weeks ago, before I had a haircut, the three of us got together here in my room and had a conversation for this podcast. We didn’t plan the topic in advance. So you’re going to hear a lot of spontaneous natural speaking. We’re not slowing down or trying to use the easy words. This is just how we speak normally when we’re together. As you will notice, I try to explain things or clarify things as we go, in order to help you a bit, but still, it might be difficult, depending on your English level. 

If you like you can think of this as a kind of listening test. Can you follow what we’re saying and keep up with all the changes in the conversation?

You’ll see that the episode title is Toilets, Titanic and TikTok which gives you a general idea of what we talk about. 

We didn’t have a lot of time, so I just pressed record, and then quite quickly we found ourselves talking about toilets first of all.

So there’s a good 45 minutes of us talking about toilets.  

By the way, in British English the word toilet means both the room and the thing in the room that you sit on.

In American English the toilet is just the thing you sit on, and the room in American English would probably be called the restroom or the bathroom, although when we go there we’re not resting or having a bath, but anyway… This is a conversation about toilets.

We talk about what people do in the toilet, on the toilet, near the toilet and even above the toilet in some cases. 

So, be ready for some rather specific and possibly disgusting details about this topic. 

I don’t know how you feel about this subject. Personally I find it quite fascinating to learn about this very private thing that we don’t always talk about, except maybe when we’re together with close friends like this. 

For example, any women listening – do you know what happens in men’s public toilets? And men, do you know what goes on in women’s public toilets? I think we know what basically happens, but what about certain, other, unknown things?

For example, why is there usually a much bigger queue at the women’s loo (“loo” is UK English for “toilet”).

Do men always stand up when they pee or do they sometimes do it sitting down? And which one is actually easier or better? 

How do other people deal with public toilets, which can be dirty or messy? And in fact, why are they so messy, especially in the toilet cubicles? What are people doing in there?

And have you ever argued, with someone you live with, about leaving the toilet seat up?

Women often get frustrated with men who leave the toilet seat up. 

Toilet seat up? toilet seat down? What’s going on here? Why is that annoying? And who is right?

That’s just a sample of the kinds of things we’re talking about, OK? 

So, brace yourself – toilet talk is coming, with some specific references to hygiene and cleanliness too. 

Then, somehow we go from the toilet, to the film Titanic, and that will be generally less disgusting and problematic I think, although arguably what happened on the Titanic is much much worse than what normally happens in the toilet, but I don’t know your habits, I don’t know your life.  

Then things get a bit more graphic again at the end of the conversation as we talk about some weird, disgusting and yet strangely satisfying videos we like to watch on TikTok and YouTube.

So here is an unedited talk full of tangents about tea, toilets, Titanic, TikTok trends and more, and here we go…

Ending Transcript (These are the things I say at the end of the audio version + a few spontaneous bits)

OK audio people, how was that for you?

  • Did you manage to keep up? 
  • Did you learn anything new?
  • Do you have anything to add to this conversation?

Congratulations for making it this far. You just entered over 1 hour of English into your head. Think of the people who didn’t do that. They now have 1 hour less of English exposure.

As I said at the start, this conversation was fast (as usual) and there were probably things you missed.

I started the recording before we were ready to begin, that’s because I just needed to get started because we didn’t have a lot of time (Amber had to leave at about 3.30 as usual). So I just hit record.

Paul asked about which audience is bigger – the video viewers or the audio listeners. I said the audio listeners outnumbered the video viewers and so Paul said he wouldn’t do too many visual things, like visual jokes.

Then he pretended to take his trousers off (I guess this was in order to make a visual joke). In fact, he unzipped his jeans, but didn’t actually unbuckle his belt.

This led to Paul commenting that men only unbuckle their belt or fully undo their trousers twice each day, and then we were off and the topic turned to the topic of men undoing their trousers in the toilet, and we asked Amber about what it’s like for women to use the toilet when they are wearing a one-piece outfit, like a jump suit. Isn’t that complicated?

And that’s how it all started, you see. I guess if you’re still listening to this, you got that. I wonder how many people just gave up after the first 5 or 10 minutes. 

Anyway, that’s enough waffle at the end.

Like I said before, leave your comments (if you have a comment section where you are listening – use my website if you can. The link for the relevant page for this episode is in the show notes for this – check your podcast app of choice. The notes will be there, including a link to the website page)

Actually, could you do me a quick favour? If you enjoy my episodes, give me a rating and a quick review – on the Apple Podcasts page or Google Podcasts page – wherever you listen to this podcast. If you’re able to leave a quick review and a rating, that would really help the podcast. 

If you don’t want to help the podcast, then never mind. But if you’d like to help even in a small way – spread the word, leave a review, leave a rating and all that good stuff.

Of course you can also go further and send a donation to help support the show – there’s a PayPal donate button on my website. 

And if you have sent me a donation recently – thank you very very much. YOu make this podcast possible and you allow this show to exist. Seriously.

And then there are the premium subscribers. More premium content is coming soon I promise. As I always say, it does take some time for me to produce the premium content because it requires a lot more preparation due to the more rigorous approach that I take to those episodes, with their PDFs and everything. I’m working on more Story episodes for the premium content. I’ve been writing and re-writing some stories about my life – childhood tales and more. That’s coming soon. Thank you if you are a premium subscriber – again you are keeping the show alive.

If you have questions about LEP Premium, including “How do I get the PDFs? How do I find all the episodes?” and more – check my website. All those questions are answered there – www.teacherluke.co.uk/premiuminfo All the frequently asked questions are there.

Thank you for your support everyone! Let’s keep this thing going.

Take care out there in LEPland. Keep your chin up, keep a smile on your face if you can. Be good to yourself, be excellent to each other, have another lovely morning, afternoon, evening or night and I will speak to you in the next instalment, coming soon. Good bye bye bye bye bye! 

Call me a photoshop master

What do you think listeners? Leave your comments below 👇

808. James Harris returns to talk about his book 📖🗣

James Harris is a writer, comedian, English teacher and language learner (French, German, Chinese) from England. In this funny chat, we talk about learning Chinese, being married to a Chinese woman and his semi-autobiographical book, “Midlands” which tells several funny and touching stories about two ex-pats living in Germany; Stuart, who is a stand-up comedian trying to understand the Germans, and Doug who gets involved in a love affair. James reads several passages from the book during the episode.

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👉 Get James’ book ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ https://www.amazon.co.uk/Midlands-James-Harris/dp/B0B38CX11P

👉 Sign up to James’ email newsletter “Stiff Upper Quip” for regular short articles in English & more https://stiffupperquip.substack.com/

👇 Listen to James’ first episode on LEP


Extracts from “Midlands” by James Harris 📖

From Chapter 2

Stuart describes his early days in Germany, learning German.

Then a chance meeting in a pub had earned him an invitation to Berlin. Laura, Danish and short, was staying there for the summer, rummaging around in the archives for information about a particular Jewish family who had gone on to achieve cultural success in post-war Denmark; 

Laura, a snub-nosed Danish girl with glasses who loved Israel and wheat beer. Stuart didn’t care much about her interests but did enjoy spending the days reading on her balcony and socializing with university friends at night; 

by the end of the summer his hair had lengthened and his German increased fifty-fold, meaning he now knew about a hundred words. ‘Hallo!’ he would say, then ‘Weltschmerz’ and following a further pause ‘Auf Wiedersehen,’ saying a final farewell to people he would see again the next day. 

He also hadn’t yet learnt to ask whether something was sugar or salt, leading to an evening eating some very sweet chips. But even speechless he wasn’t, at last, uneasy in Berlin – it seemed to him a gentle city, where the trains slid in and out and the open spaces pacified tourists drunker and rowdier elsewhere. 

It was like the Germans had become one of the peaceful races in Star Trek, the ones introduced by an insert screen of their orderly, verdant planet, Bajorans, say, or some other species permanently threatened by obliteration; and what a change after the tiny cubicles and traffic-jam living of the English, who could only ever be the Borg.

Surrounded by pacifists, Stuart revelled in the license of Englishness, his ability to voice the odd mildly aggressive opinion or wildly over-celebrate during that summer’s football tournament, until England lost. He swam in lakes, and bought a bicycle, and gradually stopped thinking of England and the ashes it had fed him. 

In Oxford, where he had been President of the University sketch revue, people had printed gossip about him in the student newspapers, asked him to leave parties, dealt with him as the man who had committed that deepest and most unforgivable of Oxford crimes: failure. 

He had failed, as a comedian and a young man, and now publicly; his country had rejected him. He had been humiliated in front of an audience of his contemporaries and sent into an internal exile. 

Afterwards, many of these young dilettantes, at the time apparently picturing future lives as bereft of unforeseen distress as possible, lives composed of simply an endless procession of success, successes occurring within a network of contacts which they had built up at University and which would continue to provide them with unstinting support throughout their adult lives, never violating the simple and essential principle that all was permissible as long as it did well – did not want his name on their social CV.


From Chapter 14

Stuart is on-stage doing stand up in Germany.

‘Don’t you sometimes get the feeling,’ said Stuart, years before on the stage in Heidelberg, ‘that if Barack Obama had been German it wouldn’t have been “Yes We Can” but ”Nein das geht nicht”? No you can’t. 

‘Everyone would have been chanting it – No you can’t! No you can’t! Of course in this version Obama would not have been black.’ 

Stuart was closing in on the kill. ‘And this very lack of optimism,’ he said, treading across the stage, limbering, into the really good stuff now, ‘is actually built into the German language itself. 

Like for example, when you’re really happy in English, you say “I’m on Cloud Nine.” But in Germany you say, “I’m on Cloud Seven.”

Does this mean that even in their happiest moments the Germans are two clouds less happy than English-speaking people?’ 

And after developing that bit, which meant moving into a depiction of an exemplary German, Hannes, in his German heaven, with an allotment, board games, juice and an Autobahn heading directly to Mallorca, he noting, somewhat wistfully, the celebratory Anglophones on Cloud Nine who were dancing to ‘Video Killed the Radio Star’, which was an excuse to sing it, following which they – the Anglophones – called down to Cloud Eight “Hey Hannes man! Come and join us here on Cloud Nine” and Hannes replying “No thank you. Everything on Cloud Seven is perfectly satisfactory” then moving on to speculation as to the occupants of the other clouds, the French on Cloud Eight living it up, their motor scooters floating off the cloud and down to Cloud Zero where the Greeks were and below them the Cypriots who’d had to sell the cloud, and were just falling – after all these and other jokes, Stuart had them where he wanted them. 

‘Isn’t it funny that, since the Second World War, the Germans have been like’, change voice, German accent, ‘”We Germans. We have done so many things wrong and there is no way we can ever put them right.” 

And now Greece is like,’ pause, turn of the head, “Well, actually…”’ 

They laughed, and laughed, and laughed. They got it.

👇 Follow James on Twitter

805. A New Year Ramble 2023 / Learn English with LEP

A rambling episode about making a fresh start in the new year, and some things I just have to tell you about listening to Luke’s English Podcast using a podcast app on your phone + lots of tangents. I hope you enjoy it!

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Episode notes / Transcript

  • I start reading at 12mins12seconds in the audio version
  • Sometimes I go “off-script” and say things which are not written here. I hope you can follow it all.

HELLO!

If you’re new to this podcast – I’m Luke, I’m an English teacher and comedian from England, and I’ve been doing this podcast for learners of English for about 14 years now.

You can use my podcast to improve your English in various ways, but the main thing is that it can help you do more listening, which is essential for acquiring natural, and instinctive English. What I mean by instinctive English is that you get an instinctive feel for the language, and this is what you can get from simply engaging with English in spoken form or written form and focusing on understanding it. It really helps if the process is fun and so I do try to keep things funny (this isn’t funny though) or just entertaining and interesting as much as possible.

This is episode 805 and it’s called A New Year Ramble 2023.

I am just going to talk to you for at least an hour. Just listen to my voice for the duration of the episode and remember – all the words and sentences I am saying are all going into your brain and a lot of it will stick there! This is perhaps more effective for your English progress than slaving away over a grammar book or staring at word lists. Just listen to me, follow my words, stick with me and hopefully enjoy it all. Let the rest happen naturally.

For this episode I’ve written some notes which I am reading from sometimes, and some stuff is spontaneous.

The main thing in this episode is that I’m just going to have a ramble. That means talking and talking, sometimes going this way sometimes that way, moving from one topic to another and one thought to another without having a very clearly defined structure. As I said, I’m just going to talk to you for a while. Join me!

New Listeners, a Fresh Start & Learning English with LEP in 2023

In January I find that new people start listening (hello!) 

Also people return to the podcast and generally refocus on learning English, turning over a new leaf. 

New Year’s resolutions 

I like to make a fresh start every January and say some things on the podcast to explain what this is, how it works, and how you can learn English from my content. 

This is the 14th time I’ve recorded an new year episode. It’s my 14th January on this show so I have done quite a lot of episodes in the past welcoming new people and talking about how you can learn English with this podcast, and what the aims of this project are. 

So, instead of repeating the same things again, I’ll suggest that you check out some of these episodes. (Pick some episodes to recommend)

Where can I find all your episodes, Luke?

You can always find all my episodes in the archive on my website. If you’re watching on YouTube, not all the episodes are there. Just some.

All rest are in my episode archive on my website including episode titles, numbers, summaries of what’s in each episode and then on each page you’ll find an audio player, a download button and sometimes vocabulary notes, transcripts of some or all of the episode and more things.

www.teacherluke.co.uk/episodes 

Some things you should know about how to listen to LEP 

I’ve noticed from quite a lot of comments and emails recently that people don’t know certain key information about my show.

Let’s just clarify a few things here about this podcast. 

  • Free episodes (Luke’s English Podcast)
  • and premium episodes (Luke’s English Podcast Premium)

Free Episodes

Free episodes are free! You’re listening to a free episode right now! 

If you’re listening using a podcast app on your phone, you might notice some advertising. This helps me to continue doing the podcast and pays for things like rent, internet, food. 

Premium Episodes

Premium episodes are only available if you sign up to LEP Premium for about 4$ a month. This also helps me to pay for things like food, clothes for my daughter, flowers for my wife, and loads of other things. This is how I actually live these days! 

Anyway, premium episodes are for premium subscribers and they’re usually about vocabulary, pronunciation and grammar.

The premium episodes have PDFs.

Some premium subscribers don’t know how to find the PDFs. 

I’ll tell you more about premium a bit later including the best way to listen to premium episodes and how to get the PDFs. 

How to listen to the free episodes

My show has always been primarily an audio podcast which most people listen to using a podcast app on their phone. 

You can also listen to the episodes on my website. 

I publish my episodes on YouTube as well. 

Over the last couple of years I’ve been filming myself with a webcam while recording my episodes and putting those video versions on YouTube. Some of those YouTube videos have sort of gone viral and I’ve ended up being a kind of YouTuber as well, but I still consider this show to be an audio podcast first and foremost.

Sometimes there is more content in the audio versions, for example if I have an interview with a guest, the video version might only contain the conversation, whereas the audio version will probably include an introduction and some talking from me at the end of the episode (perhaps a short ramble or some vocabulary explanations). 

When it’s possible I add some text on the screen of video versions on YouTube so you can read while you listen, but I don’t do that every time. 

Automatic subtitles are available (usually) on my YouTube videos. 

But this show is primarily an audio podcast. This is how I think of it. It’s an audio show which you can listen to in the normal way people listen to podcasts, which means using a podcast app on your phone. 

Now, I’m going to go a bit basic here and explain what a podcast app is. 

Back to basics: What is a podcast app?

The majority of you listening already know all this stuff so I’m just patronising you, but I suppose you could just pay attention to the way I’m describing all of this. How would you explain how to listen to a podcast, to someone who is completely new to the whole thing? Here’s how I would do it.  

For those of you who don’t know, a podcast app is an app you download (free) onto your phone from the App Store (iOS) or Play Store (Android). 

Lots of apps are available as I said. Check your phone. You might already have one. If you’re on iOS, you can look for the one with the purple icon that says Podcasts. Personally I’m not a huge fan of that app, but it will work fine.  

Maybe you don’t have a podcast app on your phone, in which case, download one (PocketCasts!) then just search in the app for Luke’s English Podcast and then subscribe to it. Of course, other podcasts are available but who needs other podcasts I ask you?

New episodes will arrive there every time I publish them and it’s super convenient. You can listen to episodes on headphones (recommended) or just blare them out loud on your phone on the back of the bus or something if you want to annoy everyone around you or perhaps help them learn English too. 

You can listen when your phone is connected to wifi (probably at home or maybe in the office when you should be working) or you can listen when you’re outside using your phone’s data internet connection. 

Podcast apps will also save your place in the episode, if you press stop for some reason. The app will remember where you stopped. Then when you go back to the app later and start listening to that episode again, the app will remember where you stopped and you can carry on listening. Perfect! No need to worry about my episodes being too long! No need to listen to the whole thing in one single sitting.

There are also other advantages to using a podcast app on your phone, including being able to add my premium episodes to the app as well, if you sign up. I’ll explain more about that in a minute. 

A lot of people use Spotify to listen to podcasts. Great! The only problem there is that you can’t add premium episodes to Spotify, because it’s not a “normal podcast app”. 

Don’t use the Luke’s English Podcast App any more

By the way, I am not talking about the LEP App here. A lot of you have downloaded that on your phones. 

It’s listed in the app store as “Luke’s English Podcast App” and it might appear on your phone as simply LEP.

But, don’t use the LEP app any more. It is defunct. New episodes are no longer arriving there and in a few months it will disappear from the App Store completely. So, you can forget about the LEP App now. It’s sad, I know, but it’s not the end of the world because you can continue listening in any other normal podcast app as I’ve said.

How to listen to LEP Premium and how to get the premium PDFs

Right, so let me talk a bit about LEP Premium. This isn’t a promotion by the way, it’s just information which a lot of people don’t know. No pressure to sign up to my premium subscription or anything. It’s totally up to you. Of course I hope you do, but it’s up to you right? 

By the way, premium people – new episodes are coming including some storytime episodes. 

So, I am constantly getting emails from people saying “I have signed up to LEP Premium but how do I listen and how do I get the PDFs?” and I just feel like a surprising number of people out there are somehow missing out on basic information which you just have to know or I might go a bit mad and stick bananas in my ears and then everyone will say “Hey you’ve got bananas in your ears” and I’ll say “What??” and they’ll say “You’ve got bananas in your ears!!!” and I’ll say “What????” and they’ll say “WHY HAVE YOU GOT BANANAS IN YOUR EARS???” and I’ll say “I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’VE GOT BANANAS IN MY EARS!!!”

That’s what will happen if everyone continues not to know certain basic information about my podcast and about how the premium part works. 

So…

Let me explain as quickly and clearly as possible, then we’ll move on to some ramblings about other perhaps more entertaining matters. 

The best way to listen to premium episodes is to add LEP Premium to a podcast app on your phone. 

Let’s say you’re using Apple Podcasts to listen to the normal free episodes of LEP and you’ve decided it’s time to also listen to the premium content to push your English further. Maybe one day you just say to yourself “Hey, I think it’s time to also listen to the premium content to push my English further” but then you think, but what do I do? Where do I go? And crucially – how do I get those precious PDFS???? 

Ok, so let’s say you’ve gone to www.teacherluke.Co.uk/premium on your phone and you’ve signed up to LEP Premium and you are logged into Acast+ (the platform I use for the premium subscription). 

You’ll see that you have the option to “Listen now” or  “Add show to app”. 

If you tap “listen now” you’ll see a list of all the episodes and you can play them, listen to them. But this is not a convenient way to listen. 

You need to tap “add show to app”, so tap that and you can choose the podcast app which you have on your phone and which you use to listen to the free episodes, see? 

Again, let’s say you’re using Apple Podcasts. Let’s use that as an example.

Where it says “Add show to podcast” you then tap “Apple Podcasts” and the Apple Podcasts app will magically open, giving you the option to subscribe to LEP Premium there. Do it! You’ve already paid, you’ve put your card details in and stuff, what are you waiting for. Add LEP Premium to Apple Podcasts! Go for it!

Now you have upgraded your LEP episode list on Apple Podcasts. You will now be able to find the premium episodes in your list. Before it was just the free episodes. Now the list includes the premium episodes too. Celebrate! It’s a miracle!

Spare a thought for LEPsters who can’t sign up to LEP Premium because of government stuff (Give peace a chance)

I think at this point it would be appropriate to spare a thought for those LEPsters who are unable to sign up to LEP Premium on Acast+, probably because of two possibilities  – either Acast has been blocked by your government because they think that LEP and LEP Premium are just far too dangerous for people to listen to, because – heaven forbid, I might talk about things which perhaps directly contradict the version of reality which they are trying to pull over your eyes, OR your credit card will not work for international payments because your country is being sanctioned because your government is being very naughty indeed. In any case, if you can’t access LEP Premium, I am sorry, but have a word with your government OK? But don’t get thrown in jail. I know, that’s easier said than done. I don’t know – I don’t want to casually suggest that you all rise up in some kind of revolution or something, and overthrow the people who run your country, because you simply cannot allow this madness to continue and you simply must be allowed to sign up to LEP Premium on Acast+. This is up to you. I’ll let you weigh up the risks and the potential benefits and so on. Good luck.

OK but let’s say you’ve signed up to LEP Premium and you’ve successfully added the episodes to your podcast app of choice. The premium episodes are now in your list, along with the other episodes. It might not be obvious at first, but they are there, just waiting to be discovered and listened to.

How can you find them? Well, you’ll need to scroll through the list a bit. Just scroll down through the episode list and BINGO you’ll see them. All premium episodes start with P and a number. P42, P41 etc. Some episodes have the word [Premium] at the start. 

Premium episodes P01-P36 were all added in July 2022 and they can be found between free episodes 776 and 777. Scroll down to episode 777 and look under it – see! Loads of premium episodes are there! (if you’ve signed up to the premium subscfiption and added the episodes to your app as I explained before)

ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT PODCAST APPS AND THE PREMIUM EPISODES IS GOING TO STOP IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES I PROMISE!! TRY NOT TO GET IMPATIENT OK??

What about the PDFs for those premium episodes? 

The links for the PDFs can be found in the show notes for each premium Episode. 

Anyway, what are “show notes” for podcast episodes?

In podcast apps, all podcast episodes have some text notes. This is where podcasters can add maybe a summary of the episode or some links to other things online. 

See if you can find the show notes or episode notes for each episode. Go on, have a look right now?

Some of you are saying “Come oooon Luke I know where the show notes are” OK then, find them right now and look at them and then say to yourself “Yes, I know where the show notes are, thank you Luke”

On Apple Podcasts, while you have an episode selected (you’ll see the LEP logo, the name of the episode and a play button) just drag the screen up and the notes will be revealed below. Again, it’s like magic or a miracle or something. An actual miracle. Thanks Jesus!

(one of my new year’s resolutions is to have more FUN in my episodes again, because life is too short)

This is where you will find the links to download the PDF for the episode. 

Tap one of the links, open the PDF and read it while you listen or send it to your computer where you can study it more carefully, annotate it with a pdf reader or even print it on paper in the old fashioned way. Then use a pencil to do the tasks. 

Ok? 

OK!

If you’re not signed up to LEP premium: Hello! That’s fine! 

You don’t have to sign up to the premium service if you don’t want to, can’t afford to or aren’t allowed to due to confusing global events and the actions of powerful men who sit at tables deciding your future. 

You are still a LEPSTER and you can still enjoy all the free episodes and all the rest of it, until of course the thought police completely turn off your access to the internet. Which country are you talking about Luke? Well, whichever country is doing it. 

There are show notes for all the free episodes too. (For many of you I’m teaching grandma how to suck eggs) 

If you’re listening in a podcast app. Have a look – you’ll always find a link to the “episode page”. That’s where you can read any vocab notes, find the associated youTube video (if there is one) and other information that I mention in the episode. 

YouTube Comments / Keeping My Episodes Varied / I’m the boss round here (yes, I am a powerful man who sits at a table and decides YOUR future)

Now we’re talking about YouTube which is another platform where I publish my episodes – either in video format (where you can see me talking, if that’s your cup of tea) or just listen to episodes without video and maybe switch on the automatic subtitles (don’t forget to smash that like button and click the bell icon and all that jazz).

One thing about being on YouTube is that there are more comments. 

This is because it is much easier to comment on YouTube than it is if you are in audioland (listening on a podcast app on your phone, probably). 

On YouTube the comment section is right there, and it is an integral part of the YouTube experience. 

So, people comment a lot more, which is great. It is lovely to get your feedback and it’s encouraging when people respond to what you’re doing. 

Sometimes it is amazing, especially if people write genuinely positive and appreciative things.

It’s mostly great, but it’s sometimes a bit irritating. 

As you know, if you are a human being, the negative things tend to stick with us a bit more than the positive things. 

By and large, my audience (like any audience of learners of English it seems) is incredibly thankful and appreciative, which is lovely. But naturally there are some people who are not so thoughtful and who write comments which probably tell us more about them than they do about the content that they’re commenting on. 

Now, while I do believe it is really important to take criticisms on board, to consider them and to learn from them, some comments are just a bit annoying! 

Which comments?

Well, obviously just abusive or directly rude comments are just the kind of “bird shit on the window of life” but there are some comments which are not exactly abuse, but which just show a certain lack of consideration for the content creator. I’m not going to list all the things that irritate me, because what’s the point, but one thing I have noticed is when I upload an episode, let’s say it’s a story episode, and the comment is “I miss your rambling episodes” or “Please make content about phrasal verbs” or “Please make short videos like “Don’t say please” or “stop saying thank you”.

Or I upload a rambling episode and someone comments “Make more stories, we want stories” or I do an Amber & Paul episode and the comment is “We want a Rick Thompson Report!” You get the idea. 

I do a variety of episodes, and I’ve always tried to keep the episodes varied for the whole time I’ve been doing this podcast, for better or worse. This is because: 

  • You can’t please all the people all the time (You might think that one type of episode is the best, but plenty of others will think that another type of episode is the best – in the end, I decide)
  • Keeping things varied keeps me motivated
  • It’s important for you to hear a variety of things – not just stories, not just teaching phrasal verbs etc, but also conversations, monologues, some easier episodes, some which are more difficult etc
  • I don’t think anyone thinks about this more than I do. I put my experience, my professional knowledge and also my heart and soul into making these episodes. They’re not always exactly perfect, but there is no such thing as “perfect” and it’s a fruitless mission to try and chase it. 

Ah shit I feel like I’m being too negative now, and also overthinking everything. Ah well. 

Is my show blocked in China?

Chinese LEPsters – how do you listen to my podcast? Do you use a VPN? Is my podcast available in Apple Podcasts? Is it available on any other apps? Let me know :)

Happy New Year! LET’S HAVE FUN IN ENGLISH IN 2023! GIVE PEACE A CHANCE!

Leave a comment to let me know you’re not a skeleton 👇

800. [PART 1] EPISODE 800 RAMBLE / LEPSTER Q&A

Celebrating episode 800 and responding to lots of questions sent in on social media. Expect questions about my ill-fated music career, grammar, favourite authors, my daughter, life as an English teaching podcaster and plenty more. Video version available.

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Intro Script & Questions for Part 1

Hello listeners, welcome to episode 800.

Fireworks! BOOM! 🎆🎆🎆

Welcome to episode 800.

Here we are. It’s episode 800. It’s a big occasion but the emphasis is on chill in this episode. We’re just going to chill together and celebrate episode 800. So let’s sit back, relax and enjoy podcasting together. 

This episode might take absolutely ages – I don’t know how long this is going to be, but we’re not going to worry about that, or anything else in this episode. No concerns, no worries. 

For this one I thought I would answer some questions from listeners on social media, YouTube and my website. I recently asked for questions and I got loads. Billions. I got billions of questions. 

I’m going to try and answer them almost all of them in this episode. 

That might be seriously over ambitious and this could end up being the longest episode ever, we’ll see. If I have to divide it into parts, so be it. We’ve had episode 300 part 1 and 2, as well as several episode 666s, we can have episode 800 in a few parts. But in fact that does prove that I’ve already done more than 800 episodes. In fact I reckon it’s over 1000 if you include premium ones, bonus ones, app-only ones, phrasal verb ones. 

In any case, I’m going to go through the questions and try to answer as many as possible. This is bound to take bloody ages. I mean, hours. 

I’ve chosen nearly all the questions which came to me, except for world cup ones because I’ll talk about that in another episode. 

They’re presented here in no particular order, from various social media platforms. 

And I’m going to correct errors if and when I find them. 

So this will be a sort of error correction episode too, I expect.

We will start in a minute, but first I just want to take this moment to celebrate getting to 800 episodes!

What does this really mean to me?

A long term professional project which has been a success and continues to be. No mean feat!

It’s a nice big number

800 is a large amount of anything – name a thing and imagine 800 of it. It’s always a lot!

Satisfying to reach a milestone, but I have my sights on 1000 now.

No need to dwell on it too long…

Thank you for continuing to listen to this podcast, allowing me to keep doing this all these years. 

Recently the podcast hit 100,000,000 downloads since it started.

I love doing this podcast and I hope you love listening to it too.

I love the fact that I can do this – spend most of my working time on making content for learners of English, doing it my own way, being my own boss. It’s all thanks to the podcast, which means it’s all thanks to you, and the way it works is that those people who can afford it can become premium subscribers, which keeps the show completely free for those people who can’t afford it, and I get to keep making the episodes. 

Let’s get on with the listener questions.

By the way, I’ve removed all World Cup questions because I think I’m going to talk about that in a separate episode.

QUESTIONS

FROM LEPSTERS

YouTube

Cyril Alexander

1 day ago (edited)

Hello! Thank you for this lux podcast!

I saw you like playing guitar and maybe you have your own compositions and maybe you have some thoughts about your own rock band. 

Luke, did you ever dream of being a rock star? 

Would you be able to carry the rock star burden?

Played drums in lots of bands

Made music on computer (real instruments)

Made music on synths (Korg)

Play guitar (other people’s songs) and piano (not any more)

Play bass on other people’s songs

Bands

The bold ones were the serious ones


Engshan (English with Zeeshan)

1 day ago

Hey Luke  my name is M Zeeshan i am from Pakistan i’m your big fan so could you explain the difference between these sentences ?

“We had to stay until we had finished our podcast.”, 

“We had to stay until we finished our podcast.” 

Which one is correct?

Sera Bende  • 2 hours ago (edited)

Hi Luke, thanks for this mini episode :) Congratulations on the 800 episodes. My question is if you are considering doing more rambling episodes because they are fun and I think it is an excellent way to learn how to speak naturally and talk about daily life. Looking forward to seeing more rambling episodes.


Mariagrazia Fornarotto

17 hours ago

Hi Luke! It’s Mary from Italy writing..I was just wondering…who is your favourite contemporary English novelist and why? Thanks in advance  for your reply…

Maria

1 day ago

Hello, Luke! Thank you for your podcast Tell us, please, what stories do you tell your daughter? What are they about? Which ones are her favourite? 

Oishi

1 day ago

800 is a long way, congratulations Tr Luke. I would like to suggest that it would be great if you could upload one story telling episode per week (is it too much?) because as a lazy learner, your story telling can carry me to the end of the episode.

Janya Markevich

8 hours ago

Hey Luuuke! I really like what you do and I’m a fan of your sense humor. I was wondering as a kid at school were you this type of guy who bravely says a joke loudly so that the whole class hears and giggles afterwards? 

And do you feel that via humor you make the atmosphere (any place: job, school, family pre Christmas hassle, etc.) more amicable and lighthearted? 

Thank you in advance!))

Maria C

1 day ago (edited)

Hey Luke! Congratulations on the 800 episodes 

My question is if Jerry Seinfeld is one of your favorite comedians and if it was him or another one who inspired you. 

Steve Martin

Jerry Seinfeld

Bill Hicks

Eddie Izzard

Bill Bailey


Serg Boorow

2 days ago

Hey Luke, what’s cracking!?Thanks for your fantastic podcast, IMHO for the time being it’s one of the most fascinating podcasts in terms of immersing in British English/humor (or at least I would like to think like that) that I’ve come across. My question is, do you consider moving to somewhere from Paris in particular and from France in general? Cheers.

Living Italian style with Nina

57 minutes ago

Hi Luke,  thank you for your amazing job on your podcast.  My question is: when will you release another episode of the Rick Thompsom Report?

Antin Kuntin

1 day ago

Hi Luke.

First of all: you are doing a really great job! 

My question is: are you talking normally like in your daily life or slower and clearer than usual so that we can understand?  

Thanks in advance for your answer

Vafa Guliyeva

1 day ago

Hi, Luke! I got 3 questions for you .

In your opinion, approximately how many words do you need to have in your vocabulary to be able to speak like you do in your ramble episodes? and is there an efficient method for determining the amount of vocabulary for a non-native speaker?

https://manylex.com/

How does it work? Read the text on the website.

Native speakers know 20,000 – 30,000 words.

I got about 25,000.

Learners of English who get 10,000 can be near-native.

Aster L.H.

1 day ago

Bravo Luke! Looking forward to your next podcast talking about The FIFA World Cup. 

A question to Luke. How many Asian countries have you been to?

Jakub

1 day ago (edited)

Hello Luke. I really enjoyed your podcasts about comedy TV series, like Alan Partridge. However, I asked you (very politely) quite a long time ago about the possibility of doing an episode (likely more then one) about Peep show. I believe that we could all learn from Peep show loads of useful British expressions/phrases which never occur in textbooks for students. Is there any chance that some comedy episodes are in the pipeline?  Respect and best wishes from Poland 🇵🇱️

Teacher Zdenek

1 day ago

My questions for you: “What’s the hardest thing about doing the podcast?”

Shaping an idea into the finished product. 

Дмитрий Обухов Dmitry Obukhov

19 hours ago (edited)

Hi, Luke! I’m really into your podcasts and watch every single episode no matter what length it is. My favorite videos are about detective and horror quizzes/stories. Are you planning to make a podcast on this topic? If so, I’m looking forward to seeing new episodes soon.

Cristiano Ronaldo

1 day ago (edited)

Hi Luke, how is it going? First of all, thank you for teaching us. My question is : is it possible to speak like you, if I only listen to your podcast, I mean your intonation and your pronunciation. You speak very clearly. I like your speech that is why I usually listen to your podcast

My name is Berdiyev Azamat from Khiva in Uzbekistan

德高望重respected

1 day ago

Hi Luke, I wonder what makes you an English teacher? I am a new listener since maybe 3 months ago, and I enjoy your style a lot. Thanks anyway.

Cecília de Melo

1 day ago

Hi, Luke! Thank you for teaching us. My question is: I don’t have problems to understand you but why is so difficult for me to understand an American talking?

  1. Familiarity
  2. Are you watching TV/Films?
  3. Maybe British English is just better

vvaskey

2 days ago

Hi Luke:) 

My first question is what is the best moment in your childhood?) 

My second question is a bit personal, but anyway how old is your daughter? How is she doing?)

796. Language & Local British Identity with MARK STEEL

Special Guest Mark Steel joins me to discuss cultural and linguistic differences between the UK and France, plus accents in the UK and a little tour of some places in the UK that you don’t know about. Also includes a discussion of swearing and rude language in Britain. What is the R word which you should never say in a specific part of the UK? Listen on to find out. Video version available.

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Video Version (shorter, with automatic subtitles)

793. Rambling Through the Streets of Paris at Night on a Bike (with a VERY SPECIAL GUEST?)

Last week a very special guest visited one of our comedy shows in Paris. I was given a ticket to the show, so I decided to record a podcast while riding through the streets on the way to the show, wondering if I might be able to interview this guest on LEP. Listen to find out what happened, and to hear some rambling and atmospheric sounds of Paris streets at night.

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